Recurring Awkward Situation

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from bianca01. Show bianca01's posts

    Recurring Awkward Situation

    Hey all,
    I was really hoping for some advice on a BM situation. One of my bridesmaids has been asking me to invite her parents (probably 9 or 10 times now). My wedding is over 7 months away so I haven't sent out invitations yet. I have only met her parents a handful of times and I really don't feel close to them at all. I think the last time I met/spoke to them was over 2 yrs ago. I have already explained to the BM that my wedding is on the smaller side ~80 ppl and consists mostly of family members--however, she keeps asking me to invite them.
    The other odd part is throughout my engagement she has asked me to email her pics of my dress, ring, flowers, cake, etc so she can show her parents. I thought it was really sweet at first, but her parents live 20 mins from me. I now find it a little odd that if they were so interested in my engagement they would have said something to me over the last 2 yrs. Any thoughts on how to handle this?
    please HELP!
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Recurring Awkward Situation

    I think the best way is probably just to be honest.  "Unfortunately, we have limited space issues and, while we understand that you would really like your parents to be there, we don't think it's going to be feasible."

    On the other hand, you could B-list them.  But, if you don't know them very well, I would think you'd have others that you would rather give that spot to.  Is it so important to them to see their daughter as a bridesmaid?  Are the other bridesmaids' parents invited?
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Recurring Awkward Situation

    I think the only way to get her to stop is to be very clear that it's not going to happen.  "I'm sorry, but it's a fairly small and we're only inviting people we know very well." 
    You could add that if they want to see her all dressed up, they could come to the ceremony.
    Will she know a lot of people there?  Maybe she is worried about feeling uncomfortable for some reason?
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from bianca01. Show bianca01's posts

    Re: Recurring Awkward Situation

    Hi,
    Thanks so much for getting back to me. No BMs parents have been invited. She has been a BM in several other weddings to which her parents were never invited. I'm not sure why she feels so strongly that they should come to mine. I am very flattered by this and I do feel truly sorry about not accomodating them. My reception is a couple hundred dollars per person and as a graduate student with limited income adding to the budget makes my stomach churn. It is not as though she doesn't know anyone else at my wedding. She currently roomates with 2 of my other BMs and has been friends with the other BMs for the last 6 yrs.
    I offered to invite them to the ceremony and gave her a loose answer about the reception (to the effect of: limited budget, too many family members, etc) and she said "why bother." She has also hinted several times that her parents would be hanging out in the neighborhood of my reception hall the night of my wedding.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: Recurring Awkward Situation

    I had the same question as Lucy - any other wedding party parents (who are not your family) invited?  Right now, since your wedding is so far out, I think your answer to her is perfect - that you're keeping the wedding small and have not yet finalized the guest list.  Just keep repeating that every time she asks.  If she's still asking 2 months before the wedding and you're definitely not inviting her parents, just say you were not able to include them due to number restrictions (or whatever reason you want to give). Don't let her make you feel badly for it.

    These situations are so odd to me.  I cannot fathom asking someone to invite someone I want to come to their wedding.  The part that makes this a bit less annoying to me is that this bridesmaid is obviously very excited about your wedding... but definitely do NOT invite her parents just because she seems to be trying to wear you down by asking infinite times.  I would even guess that the parents probably aren't the ones jonesing for an invite - I am guessing it's all the BM.

    ETA: Bianca - I just read your second post, so ignore part of my post.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: Recurring Awkward Situation

    Huh, this is a weird one.  One of my BMs mentioned that her parenst would love to see me get married, but she's a really close friend and I love her parents!  If we could afford it, I would invite them.  But she would never do what your BM is doing...

    Yeah, I say stick to your guns and just be firm about it.  Don't feel bad.  She's the one who is being rude to continue to ask you.  If you end up having space at the end, you could add them, but only if you want to. 
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from bianca01. Show bianca01's posts

    Re: Recurring Awkward Situation

    I am just sort of worried about upsetting her and having a grouchy BM at my wedding. I feel badly I can't accomodate her, and I haven't completely told her that I wasn't inviting them. Would it be really tacky for me to just invite them to the ceremony?
    I should also had that this conversation with her was prefaced with her saying that her finances were really tight and she didn't think she could afford to get me a wedding present. Don't get me wrong...i am NOT expecting gifts at all....but I am amused she seemingly disregards my financial plights
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Recurring Awkward Situation

    That's odd.  So, is her gift to you the presence of her parents at your wedding (when you don't want them there)?

    I think the risk you run of only inviting them to the ceremony is that they might decide to just tag along and crash the reception - and that's a headache you don't need.  Is it worth asking her why it's so important to have them there? (And does it matter?)
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Recurring Awkward Situation

    That is really odd. Sounds liek she's so excited about your wedding that she wants a little piece of it all to herself. I agree that you just need to tell her that you're sorry, but there's no way you can work them in. Tell her you're touched that her family is so excited for you.

    See if you can't arrange a dinner party at your place or something for them after the honeymoon. "So we all can celebrate"

     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from EosErigeneia. Show EosErigeneia's posts

    Re: Recurring Awkward Situation

    It would not be fair to the other BMs if only hers were invited.  Tell her that.  Put the kibosh on it now firmly but kindly. 

    Perhaps her mom at least would enjoy accompanying the bridal party to a fitting or two, and being treated to lunch. 

    Her behavior does seem strange, and conflicted. Any chance she'd prefer to be released from her BM role and just be an invited guest? Although then it would be unkind not to let her bring a guest--so that will inflate your guest list by one. 

    If the BM's are paying for their dresses, I hope you discourage all of them from giving you and the groom both shower and wedding gifts   I know that goes against tradition but, it's something to consider, and yes, I lived by "Eos rule"  

    P.S. If the wedding ceremony is being held in a church and includes a mass or service,  anyone can attend. 

     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: Recurring Awkward Situation

    This whole thing is odd.  Could she be suffering from wedding envy?  She sounds very focused on herself and her "needs" and not at all on yours.  I think it's very strange she announced to you that she probably won't be able to get you a wedding present... I mean, even a bottle of wine or something would make a thoughtful gift, so the fact that she's already decided she can't get you a gift makes me think there is something else going on here... possible insecurities, maybe?
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Recurring Awkward Situation

    In Response to Re: Recurring Awkward Situation:
    This whole thing is odd.  Could she be suffering from wedding envy?  She sounds very focused on herself and her "needs" and not at all on yours.  I think it's very strange she announced to you that she probably won't be able to get you a wedding present... I mean, even a bottle of wine or something would make a thoughtful gift, so the fact that she's already decided she can't get you a gift makes me think there is something else going on here... possible insecurities, maybe?
    Posted by poppy609


    There are other gifts she could give, too.  Bringing in the mail and watering the plants while they're on their honeymoon, for example.  Having them over for a home-cooked meal when they get back.  Dropping them off/picking them up at the airport.  Drawing them a picture, whatever.  I've never heard of someone saying, "By the way, I won't be able to give you a gift in eight months."

    I know the gift isn't really the issue, here.  It's just so weird that it also makes me think something else is going on. 

    The only thing I can come up with that makes any sense is that one of her parents has been diagnosed with something horrible and untreatable and, since they will never see her get married, will somehow get incredible joy out of her being a BM.   And, really, that doesn't make a lot of sense, either.  Undecided
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from MM379. Show MM379's posts

    Re: Recurring Awkward Situation

    Are you really close with this BM?  Perhaps if you are really close, her parents know that and have asked about you often.  Despite not seeing you regularly, her parents and she may view you as close to them b/c of her friendship with her.  I would be as upfront and transparent with her as possible saying that you are so touched by how invested she has been in the wedding and how excited she and her parents are.  You noticed a few times that she mentioned them coming and you wanted to be upfront with her and let her know that unfortunately, you won't be able to include the bridal party's parents.  In some circles, it is the norm for the bp parents to be invited - at least in the Italian American community I grew up in.  We didn't do this b/c of the size of our party and the fact that my husband and I were from different states and most of our bp were friends from even more different states and thought it would seem weird and gift grubby, but I will say it is a "norm" where I grew up.  It doesn't sound like it is the norm for your friend however, if her parents weren't invited to other weddings.  I'm wondering if she considers you her BFF and may just be more invested in your wedding than you anticipated.  Add on that the chance that she might not be currently at a point in life when she's thinking about marriage for herself, she may be caught up in the vicarious wedding fun for you. 
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from allreadymarried. Show allreadymarried's posts

    Re: Recurring Awkward Situation

    Weird.........  You need to tell her they are not invited plain and simple.  You are sorry but due to limitations everyone can not be include.

     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from laryan. Show laryan's posts

    Re: Recurring Awkward Situation

    I agree with the other posters.  I think you're best bet is to be honest and up front.  The sooner you tell her the better off you are.  Let her know that you're going to have a small wedding, and the guest list is very limited to immediate family and relatives. 
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from Rapunzel41. Show Rapunzel41's posts

    Re: Recurring Awkward Situation

    Heh.  I told my MOH I would invite her parents (I've known them since I was 12!) but she said hell no - she needs them to watch the kids!  LOL!

    Her mother is going to bring MOH's daughters to the hotel to see us getting ready.  Smile  It's up to them whether they come to the ceremony or not, but they know they're not included in the reception which is at the same venue - MOH will deal with her mom on that front!
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Recurring Awkward Situation

    It's odd and truly rude of her, but obviously very important to her for some reason for her to keep mentioning it, practically begging.  Of course, its being something she REALLY wants doesn't make it right for her to suggest it even once.  However, if I were you and had the room and budget, I'd invite her parents.  If she's a BM she's a close friend and it's obviously very important to her.  In the end, two more plates probably doesn't mean as much to you as it would to her to not have them there, and there's probably a couple that you really do want to have and will invite that won't be able to make it for some reason, anyway.  I'm NOT excusing her behavior just telling you I'd handle it on the gracious rather than the correct side.  Sometimes gracious and correct are not the same.

    However, that being said, you have every right to not invite them and to ask her to stop asking you.
     
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