Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from engagedkat. Show engagedkat's posts

    Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    My FIL's do not want to do an open bar for the rehearsal dinner. They aren't going to even put a bottle of wine on the tables...Personally, I think that there are only about 30 people, and we are inviting them to privately celebrate with us...HELLO? Give 'em a drink!!?!?

    I'd like to do at least beer and wine for the evening or just before dinner OR ONE bottle of white/red for each table...there will be like 3 tables.
    They won't do it. 

    I'd like to offer to pay for it now - just beer and wine. Or just wine Am I pushing it?
    I'm just really embarrassed to have to tell people to bring some money with them since all of the others in the wedding party have done the same for us at their rehearsal's... and the wedding is open bar.

     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    Oh, this is a tough one.  I know it must be difficult to approach your FIL's about this type of subject.  I'm thinking you could sensitively say that you would like to offer wine and beer to the guests. 

    Also, is this at a venue that would allow you to bring your own?  Perhaps you could tell your FIL's that you'll purchase a few bottles of wine and beer and drop it by the day before. 
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    I would just tell them that you will pick up the expenses for the wine, then. I wouldn't ever have my guests pay at the RD, because like you said, it is much more personal than a reception.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    Is there a really good, non-monetary reason for not wanting to serve alcohol?  For example, if they were both recovering alcoholics, I would probably respect their wishes - they are, after all, the hosts.

    Otherwise... it's tough.  Since they're hosting it, they should have a say, even if they're hosting it for you.  What you need is some non-confrontational way to say, "Capt. Kirk and I really appreciate all you're doing for a wedding, so, we'd like to provide champagne at the rehersal dinner, so everyone can enjoy a toast."

    .... But find a way to include wine and beer in that. 
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from Brighton1. Show Brighton1's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    I would offer to pay for beer & wine.  These are presumably your closest friends & family and they shouldn't have to pay for their own drinks.  We had 3 hours of beer & wine at ours and that was plenty.  FWIW, my FIL, a recovering alcoholic, paid for everything. 
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from heatherv1211. Show heatherv1211's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    Hmm... I agree with everyone so far.  If you didn't want to approach the FILs beforehand and just wanted to quietly do something, you could start a "tab" at the restaurant and ask the bartender/waitstaff that if guests tried to pay to let them know it was taken care of... then pay the bill.  Of course, that risks you ending up paying for all sorts of fancy martinis, etc!!

    Are they vehemently against it, or is it just a case of not knowing any better maybe?
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    I agree with the others. Find out if there's a reason other than money. If it's money, offer to pay in the way Lucy suggested "I want to show my appreciation for you doing so much by providing the wine..." as tactfully as possible.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from downtoearth. Show downtoearth's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    In Response to Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...:
    [QUOTE]My FIL's do not want to do an open bar for the rehearsal dinner. They aren't going to even put a bottle of wine on the tables...Personally, I think that there are only about 30 people, and we are inviting them to privately celebrate with us...HELLO? Give 'em a drink!!?!? I'd like to do at least beer and wine for the evening or just before dinner OR ONE bottle of white/red for each table...there will be like 3 tables. They won't do it.  I'd like to offer to pay for it now - just beer and wine. Or just wine Am I pushing it? I'm just really embarrassed to have to tell people to bring some money with them since all of the others in the wedding party have done the same for us at their rehearsal's... and the wedding is open bar.
    Posted by engagedkat[/QUOTE]

    Can you fix it with the bartender so that you descreetly pay the bar bill without in-laws being embaraassed?  That way - guests aren't buying drinks but MIL throws the party she can afford. 
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    Talk to the venue where you are having the RD.  Tell them that you are having an issue w/ your DH's parents not wanting to pay for an open bar, but that you want one. Give them the credit card number for you or your FI and have them settle it up w/ you quietly after the fact.  There is no need to let your ILs know you are doing this.  This way, you avoid a fight or hurt feelings, but still get to treat your guests approrpriately. 

    Good luck.

    ETA: guess I should have read the responses before I posted. It  seems great minds think alike and this idea was already mentioned. 
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    I'd be careful about paying the bar bill without discussing it openly with the in laws.  They are the hosts, I believe it is their decision as to how the party is thrown.  And they could find it insulting if you "discreetly" open a tab. 

    As it is the grooms parents, I would suggest you have him discuss it with his parents.  If it is just a money thing, then hopefully they will be open to letting you guys pay for it.  However, they are the hosts, so I believe it is their decision. 

    You could always offer to take your friends out for drinks separately after the dinner!  Good luck!
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    TREX, if you can, go on FB...I sent you a message...

    Sorry for being OT!
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from downtoearth. Show downtoearth's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...:
    [QUOTE]Talk to the venue where you are having the RD.  Tell them that you are having an issue w/ your DH's parents not wanting to pay for an open bar, but that you want one. Give them the credit card number for you or your FI and have them settle it up w/ you quietly after the fact.  There is no need to let your ILs know you are doing this.  This way, you avoid a fight or hurt feelings, but still get to treat your guests approrpriately.  Good luck. ETA: guess I should have read the responses before I posted. It  seems great minds think alike and this idea was already mentioned. 
    Posted by ALF72[/QUOTE]

    :)
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from engagedkat. Show engagedkat's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    Thanks all, I would HAVE to discuss it with them. I couldn't just do it - I think they'd catch on. And not that liquor is the end all be all, but I don't want my nearest and dearest to be pulling out their wallets!!!!

    They find it "unneccesary." 

    BUT I do think that me putting it as "thanking them" might help...It's swallowing A LOT of pride since they've done nothing really to help.
    But I suppose, I'm going to have to deal with it and see if it gets me somewhere.

    Thanks all, I don't have the calm to talk with them about this yet, but you are bringing me some clarity!
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from klm44. Show klm44's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    kat--similiar issue with my FIL--he did not want open bar at the RD but we insisted.  We are just doing wine and beer and are paying for it ourselves.  he had no objection since we said we would pay for it.  I agree with all others, and yourself.  If you put it as a "I want to thank all fo coming" type statement, I can't imagine they would have a hard time disagreeing with that.  My FIL hasn't done anything---didn't even RSVP to the wedding.  Some in-laws are just that way, I guess.  :)
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from TarheelChief. Show TarheelChief's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    Let them set the rules now.you will set them later when it counts.It's best to let in laws get their way in the beginning,and an intelligent daughter in law will know how to manipulate them and their adorable son.
    If you decide to defy them,it may cause needless drama and make them into martyrs for their faith or their egos.
    I found myself in a similar situation and managed to avoid all trouble by having a second,quiet get together with my relatives and my in laws who drank.
    I am not going to say you are better than they are,I am going to say you will have many more occasions for differences to get into the way.It is the nature of healthy marriages for everyone is raised differently,and not everyone believes when they look in the mirror,they see the fairest of them all.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    Honestly, the bar for the RD didn't even cross my mind.  I believe my MIL did passed wine only.  Alcohol just isn't that important to me.  Not saying that to be nasty AT ALL, but it honestly never crossed my mind.  I think it's perfectly OK for you to tell the FILs that you will foot the bill for the bar, so hopefully they will be OK with it.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    After all the time, energy, and money that your very best friends and closest family are spending for your wedding, I think it's out of line to have a cash bar at the RD.  I would be humiliated.

    If your FILs aren't willing to pay for the open bar, then you guys really need to.  Restaurants with a full bar will serve whatever is ordered, not just beer and wine, and wine by the glass at most restaurants costs as much or more than cocktails. 
    Just give a credit card for the bar bill knowing that you'll be getting plenty of $$$ for wedding gifts in a few days if you're worried about paying it off.

    I feel for you! 
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from heatherv1211. Show heatherv1211's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    I do agree that if they are reasonable people who you can talk to, talking to them (not just paying the bill) would probably work out best.  I also agree with Trex that maybe FI can do the talking?  Give yourself one less stressful thing to do before the wedding!!  :)

    Let us know how it turns out!
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from Scorpio75. Show Scorpio75's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    Do your IL's drink? Sure it would be great to get a drink but quite frankly I don't see what the big deal is. The IL's are hosting and it is not like the guests will not have anything to drink they just won't have alcohol, and it is their prerogative to serve or not serve alcohol for whatever reason.

    Yes I drink occasionally but not all the time and not for every celebration.  I cannot imagine looking down on someone hosting a party and not offering alcohol, it is their choice as to what to provide.  If you are having one meal option (lets say chicken) at your wedding how would you feel if someone said well I really wanted steak so they will just pay for it?    It is the same thing you are the host and you determine what to provide.

    A glass of wine or a cocktail is nice but it is not essential to a party or celebration.  I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill.  As long as the guests are being feed and provided with some type of beverage, why do you get to determine what that is if you are not the host?  Are people that consumed by alcohol that it must be present at every dinner, party or celebration? 
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    Scorpio- It's traditional and preferable that at an occasion worth toasting and celebrating that you'll be able to make that toast with wine as opposed to Diet Coke.
    And it is traditional that you not make your guests pay for their beverages at a dinner you've invited them to.
    This is a rehearsal dinner with the people who have given their time and presumably some money towards the impending marriage. It's your closest friends and family. Making them pay for a glass of wine or two is like charging them for their plate at Thanksgiving dinner. You just don't do it, it's just not proper. Not unless you're religiously opposed to alcohol consumption.
    If you can't afford to give people food and drink, don't invite them to dinner.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from luvRIboy. Show luvRIboy's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    I had a similar issue, and like you, it was important to me that we have an open bar that night.  We also had an open bar at our wedding, so I thought it was all the more important to do the same for the people who were the most important part of it! 

    In our case, it was the $ that was the issue, not the alcohol; my FIL really wanted to know up front what his costs would be, which I can understand.  Since we could estimate the food bill more easily than the drinks, we agreed that he'd pay for food, and we'd do the drinks.  We did it very discretely and gave my FIL credit for hosting the entire event when we thanked him that evening in front of our guests.  It worked out fine for us. 
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from Scorpio75. Show Scorpio75's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    I guess we will have to agree to disagree here. Sure it is tradition but how many times do we see tradition tossed out the window?  I would be happy with what the host provides.  How many times have I choked down seafood or mushrooms because that is what the host provides?  Too many to count and this is the same thing in my mind you take what the host provides.

    I know several people that don't drink because they don't like the taste and not because of a moral issue.  They would never think about having any alcohol served because they do toast their events with diet coke.  The OP never really said why the IL's don't want to have an open bar or pass wine etc, so we don't know if it is money, moral objection, or just that they see no reason not to toast with diet coke.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    This isn't choking down something the host provides that you don't like to eat. This is having to pay for something you want because the host doesn't want to.
    And not BYOB, but paying the price of and choosing a beverage from a list from the place the host picked and invited you to.
    A host isn't going to say "I'm paying for dinner, but only if you order x"
    The host pays for whatever you order. Thus it shouldn't matter if it's fish or chicken or soda or chardonnay. The host can eliminate the chances of having to pay for expensive wine by ordering inexpensive bottles to be passed for the table.
    And what about people who don't like to drink soda? Is it water or nothing for them?
    I would be mortified to leave my guests with only water or soda and charge them for anything else. And I'm not a big drinker. I'll maybe have a glass of wine or two with dinner on the weekends, but anything more than that and DH would be carrying me home.

    And those who would do all toasts with Diet Coke are not the majority. Unless you know no one there will want a drink, you should offer them one.

    In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...:
    [QUOTE]I guess we will have to agree to disagree here. Sure it is tradition but how many times do we see tradition tossed out the window?  I would be happy with what the host provides.  How many times have I choked down seafood or mushrooms because that is what the host provides?  Too many to count and this is the same thing in my mind you take what the host provides. I know several people that don't drink because they don't like the taste and not because of a moral issue.  They would never think about having any alcohol served because they do toast their events with diet coke.  The OP never really said why the IL's don't want to have an open bar or pass wine etc, so we don't know if it is money, moral objection, or just that they see no reason not to toast with diet coke.
    Posted by Scorpio75[/QUOTE]
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    Uh oh, I see this is becoming an open bar vs. cash bar battle... maybe we should just agree that people disagree on this issue?

    I will just say one thing in response to Pink's comment:  A host isn't going to say "I'm paying for dinner, but only if you order x"

    That's not really true.  I went to a RD at a restaurant where you go to pick your meal from a list of 3 choices.  That is pretty much saying, I'm paying for your dinner only if you order X, Y or Z.  In my mind, that is the same with drinks. 

    I feel that if the in laws are hosting, it is their choice as to what they offer.  If they are okay with the B&G picking up the tab for alcohol, that's great.  But if not, you have to go along with what they want to do since they are the hosts.  I know my parents would be insulted if someone went behind their back and opened a separate tab.  If you are unhappy with how they are hosting, maybe you host the event yourself and pay for the whole thing?  (PS.  this is a general comment, not directed at the OP, so please don't get mad at me!).

    Did you ever see the Friends episode where Rachel's dad took Ross and Rachel out to dinner?  The dad paid for dinner, but left a lousy tip.  Ross tried to leave a larger tip, but the dad saw him and got mad and basically said, if you don't like my tip, pay for the whole thing.  That's exactly how my dad would feel.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...

    but you still had a choice. It wasn't soda or nothing. They gave you a limited menu, you can do the same with wine and beer.

    It's just not proper for a guest to have to pay for food or drink when you've invited them out to a place of your choosing for an occasion of yours that you want them to celebrate with you.
    MOST people will want a beer or glass of wine, sure, not ALL people- but then that's one less drink you'll be buying, but MOST people will want one. To charge them for wanting what most people would want is just petty.
    At a RD it's your closest friends and family. If these people aren't the people who you'd want to buy a drink for, then who?
    And if you just never want to buy anyone a drink, aside from moral objections, then I don't know what to say about that. Buying someone a drink is an almost universal sign of goodwill and comraderie. It's woven into the fabric of our society.

    In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinner - Bar Question...:
    [QUOTE]Uh oh, I see this is becoming an open bar vs. cash bar battle... maybe we should just agree that people disagree on this issue? I will just say one thing in response to Pink's comment:  A host isn't going to say "I'm paying for dinner, but only if you order x" That's not really true.  I went to a RD at a restaurant where you go to pick your meal from a list of 3 choices.  That is pretty much saying, I'm paying for your dinner only if you order X, Y or Z.  In my mind, that is the same with drinks.  I feel that if the in laws are hosting, it is their choice as to what they offer.  If they are okay with the B&G picking up the tab for alcohol, that's great.  But if not, you have to go along with what they want to do since they are the hosts.  I know my parents would be insulted if someone went behind their back and opened a separate tab.  If you are unhappy with how they are hosting, maybe you host the event yourself and pay for the whole thing?  (PS.  this is a general comment, not directed at the OP, so please don't get mad at me!). Did you ever see the Friends episode where Rachel's dad took Ross and Rachel out to dinner?  The dad paid for dinner, but left a lousy tip.  Ross tried to leave a larger tip, but the dad saw him and got mad and basically said, if you don't like my tip, pay for the whole thing.  That's exactly how my dad would feel.
    Posted by trex509[/QUOTE]
     
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