Should I take a hint? Not sure what to do..

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from octbride09. Show octbride09's posts

    Should I take a hint? Not sure what to do..

    Okay, so I have this situation where I'm not really sure what to do. My MOH told me I should take a hint. What do you think?

    So, I have this college friend (also my college roommate) who has sort of alienated herself from our group of friends over the years. I've stayed friends with her and was in her wedding a about two years ago. I was 1 of three bridesmaids in her wedding. The other bridesmaids were her mother and her younger cousin. I helped throw her bridal shower and bachelorette party. We've stayed in touch through emails, and a few phone calls. After she got married, I was the only college friend who attended her baby shower.
     We kept trying to make plans to have dinner and lunch, but with our busy schedules we never got around to meeting up. In the past few months she has fallen off the face of the earth. My emails to get together don’t get returned, my phone calls go to voicemail and she recently rsvp’d no to both my shower and my bachelorette party without so much as an email or phone call. My feelings are definitely hurt. I don’t want to seem like the pathetic friend that keeps reaching out to her. People grow apart and friends come and go…it just kind of stinks. I thought she would always be there for me when I was there for her. Makes me sad. 

    My MOH told me that maybe her invitation should be lost in the mail because she is obviously not going to come to the wedding. Anyway, I don’t know what I should do. I’m obviously still sending her an invitation.

  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Should I take a hint? Not sure what to do..

    It sounds like she doesn't want to see you.  It could be for any number of reasons.  I'd still send her a wedding invitation [you have to if you sent her a shower invitation] and leave the ball in her court.  If you don't hear from her again, send her a Christmas card or holiday card, and if you don't hear from her then, just write her off.  Your MOH has a point, but the woman could just be busy w/ her baby, be having money problems or have some other issue.  Good luck!
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from octbride09. Show octbride09's posts

    Re: Should I take a hint? Not sure what to do..

    yeah, there is no question I'm still sending her one. I just don't know if I should man up and call her. I hope she's okay.
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from Prill. Show Prill's posts

    Re: Should I take a hint? Not sure what to do..

    Def send her an invite.

    It would be tough conversation to try and balance - you would need to show that you are genuinely concerned in case there is something wrong with her/DH/baby and you also don't want to come off sounding like a demanding bridezilla wanting to know why she isn't dropping everything to attend your events.

    Could it be that she P*ssed that she isn't a bridesmaid??
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Should I take a hint? Not sure what to do..

    I'd wait till after the wedding to call her.  If it's a financial problem, she's probably going to avoid you till after the wedding anyway.  Once there are no upcoming events which are gift giving occasions, give her a call.  Maybe when you get back from your honeymoon?  If she is having money or marital problems, she may be more willing to discuss them when you aren't in the midst of wedding planning. Good luck.
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kmt09. Show kmt09's posts

    Re: Should I take a hint? Not sure what to do..

    I think you're making the right decision in still sending her an invitation.  However, if she doesn't come to your wedding and you don't receive so much as a phone call or an email from her, I'd make that your last effort.  It sounds like you've been trying hard to spend time with her, and she's just very rudely blowing you off.  Of course, any new mom is busy, but nobody is too busy to return a phone call or an email.  Even if it's just to say "hey, I've been busy, but I wanted to say hello," it only takes a few seconds out of your day.  To not bother doing so much as that is inconsiderate.

    I can totally understand what you're going through.  It always hurts when it feels like a friendship is coming to an end.  I had a similar situation with a group of friends several months ago, but I made the decision not to invite them to the shower or the wedding.  Gradually they started calling me less and breaking plans at the last minute, but they all still got together all the time.  Eventually, the only time I would get a call was when the one mom in the group wanted me to babysit for her so they could go out.  That was the end of it for me.  It was upsetting, but it did help me to realize who my "real" friends were.

    Good luck with your friend, Octbride.  I really hope she comes around!
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Should I take a hint? Not sure what to do..

    Send her an invitation, as I know you are, and see where it goes.  If she is distancing herself from you, and it sounds like she is, try, try, try not to take it personally.  She might go to the wedding for old times' sake, or she might send you a clearer message with regrets.

    As I've given advice to the one feeling like she wants to pull away, I'll give to you, the one being pulled away from.  Lives change after we become friends with anyone.  Either they change such that we continue to feel a kinship, or they change in a manner that causes a drifting apart.  If the things that led us to be friends change or even go away completely it generally makes the friendship obsolete and too awkward and laborious to force to exist.  When that happens, it's not a poor reflection on either friend, just a manifestation of how adult life really is.  The "BFF" concept really only lives in the minds of teenagers who haven't seen how drastically life does change and how often it does so.  Friendships, therefore, are fluid.  Very few stand the test of time and are truly forever.  And, it's really a good thing.  We all only have so much emotional energy to invest that deeply in friendships so we must choose wisely.  And, when a friendship fizzles naturally, let it go quietly.  Appreciate what you had and be relieved to not have to force a friendship to stay like it was when it isn't anymore.

    P.S.  No need to call her.  It's not about having the courage, it's just that it will be terribly awkward for no payoff.  Either she wants to be friends and will come and let the wedding be a springboard back to how things were, or she doesn't and it won't.  Let the RSVP tell the story even if you are disappointed about the ending.
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from octbride09. Show octbride09's posts

    Re: Should I take a hint? Not sure what to do..

    Thanks everyone.I've definitely pulled away from friendships before and people have pulled away from me. I do miss her and wish her nothing but the best. Thanks fo the advice and I know what to do and expect now.

    You guys rock.
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from heatherv1211. Show heatherv1211's posts

    Re: Should I take a hint? Not sure what to do..

    That's such an upsetting situation - to feel like you are losing/have lost a friend and just do not know WHY.  I think it's great that you are still sending her an invite - if something truly is terribly wrong in her life (marriage, baby, health, etc) she will know that you are still reaching out even though she may be unable to communicate with you.  My guess is that eventually, somewhere down the line, you will hear from her because it will stick with her that you tried to reach her.
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Should I take a hint? Not sure what to do..

    I don't want to repeat what everyone has already said, but I agree that sometimes you just have to give up on people, as much as it s*cks.  Go ahead and send her the invitation if you like.  At least then the ball is in her court.

    I had decided not to invite one of my best friends from college to the wedding because she was always sooooo busy that she didn't return calls or emails or show up to our 2 friends' weddings.  Then she invited all of us to her wedding and a whole bunch of us went... So I invited her to mine... And of course she "had a business trip that weekend."  I am done now.  It has taken all of my will power not to go on Facebook and write "Have a nice life!"  But it does stink because she truly was one of my closest friends back in college.  At some point, though, you have to stop reaching out to people and let them come to you.

    However - if you think there might be something serious going on, it would be nice of you to call her.  When this friend got married, one of the girls couldn't make it and everyone assumed it was for the reasons above, but actually she had just filed for divorce and I was the only one in our group who knew!!

  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from tibird. Show tibird's posts

    Re: Should I take a hint? Not sure what to do..

    Hey Oct,  Just thought I'd chime in here.  Lots of good advice already!
    I don't know this person or her situation, but I have a college friend (roomate, too)  that goes in stages like this.  She will drop off the face of the earth for a while, but for her, it's been due a lot to depression.  She gets in a funk & then pulls away just when she needs people the most.  When a few of us realize that nobody's heard from her in a while, we generally step it up a bit and find her (we are all in different states and she has moved a few times, so it has come down to calling her mom to relay a message or get contact info on occassion).
    Like I said, I don't know your friend, but if you suspect that there could be a problem, why not give her a call if she RSVP's no & just let her know you'll miss her?

    Just my 2 cents.
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from booklover. Show booklover's posts

    Re: Should I take a hint? Not sure what to do..

    I wonder if this friend suffered from post-partum depression after the birth of her baby.  That would explain the pulling away and not returning calls, e-mails, etc.  Just a thought.

    I've learned that often these sorts of things really have nothing to do with me and everything to do with the friend in question, so I don't really take it personally any longer if this happens.  And let's be honest - how many times do you look at the calendar and go "Cripes, how did it get to be JUNE already?" or whatever month.  Life gets in the way of our best intentions, doesn't it?
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: Should I take a hint? Not sure what to do..

    I would be on the phone to her husband or anyone else I could think of to see if she's okay.  I agree with other sounds like something serious to me.

    If there's nothing wrong, THEN I would "take the hint" but I wouldn't feel comfortable just accepting the brush off without finding out why. 

    Over time, friends do drift away, but this sounds a little stranger than that!

    Good luck!