Should she be upset?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from kmt09. Show kmt09's posts

    Should she be upset?

    Here's the backstory:  FI has an aunt and uncle (on his dad's side) that lived close by when he was growing up.  He was close with them when he was a kid, but I don't think he's seen them since FSIL's wedding almost 4 years ago.  I have never met this aunt and uncle since I've been with FI.

    This aunt was not invited to my shower.  I know there are differing opinions on this, but I feel that bridal showers should be just for the close friends and family of the bride (for the record, I don't think it's wrong for anyone who chooses to invite all the women to the shower that are invited to the wedding...this was just my personal preference).  I also only have an MOH who was hosting my shower on her own, so I wanted to keep the guest list and cost down for her.  So, I did not invite any of FI's family that I had not met, any of FI's friends' wives/girlfriends that I was not close to, or any of my mom's co-workers that I hadn't met.  My MIL specifically requested that a few of her friends that I had not met be invited to the shower, which I was fine with.

    So, it gets back to FI and me that this aunt is p!ssed that she was not invited to the shower.  MIL even requested that FI call her to apologize (for what, I don't know).  This aunt and uncle just sent back their response card -- they aren't coming, and we're sure that it's because she wasn't invited to the shower. 

    Is this crazy, or does she have a legitimate reason to be mad?
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    I'd say she's entitled to be hurt if she wants to be.  Like you say, there are widely differing views on who should be invited to a shower, and her view obviously differs from yours and those who threw you your shower and feels slighted.  If she had your view of the guest list, she'd probably have been fine with it.

    As hard as it may be, this is a case where every needs to move on and not worry about it.  She got hurt, but if she's any kind of adult, she'll get over it.  And, if she doesn't, what can you do?  It's not your fault she's in a tizzy, and there's nothing you can do about it.

    As for an apology, I suppose there could be a non-sorry "apology" like, "We're sorry you feel slighted because of a differing view of who 'should' be invited to a shower - it was not a personal attack.  Our criteria for the guest list was being very close to the bride."

    P.S.  If that causes her to argue, anyone talking to her can use this amazingly effective communication tool of repeating the same simple phrase after every rant she gives:  "Our criteria for the guest list was being very close to the bride."  Say it calmly and evenly after everything she says even if it doesn't sound like the most appropriate response.  Just say it again and again.  She'll eventually actually PROCESS it or at least the fact that you are refusing to get into an argument with her and will drop it.  It really works even though you sound ridiculous to yourself when you do it.  Remember, they aren't hearing you at all until the last time so to them you are not repeating yourself like a crazy nut.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    You have never met her?  No, she does not have a legitimate reason to be mad.

    I feel the same as you - I would only want close friends and family of mine.  If you're close with someone in FI's family, of course you would invite them.  But not someone you have never met. 

    I don't get why people get pissy about this stuff.  DH's cousin got married last year and I wasn't invited to her shower, but I'm not close to her either.  I would have happily gone if I was invited, but I would have been a little uncomfortable because I'm not close with that side of his family.

    I read Kargiver's post after I posted this.  Well said, as always, and good advice about the non-sorry apology.

    I don't think this was a legitimate reason to decline the wedding invite if that is indeed her motivation.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    Sorry, but the aunt is nuts. I've never heard of anyone being upset that they weren't invited to a shower. Most people look for ways to get out of them.  lol.

    Besides, how is it your or your FI's fault that she wasn't invited?  You didn't host your own shower and aren't responsible for the guest list [even if you do give your MOH a list of people's addresses].  I share your opinion of who should be invited to showers, too.  I had a very small shower that was attended only by immediate family on my side and close friends. Not a single soul from Dh's side was invited [they are also all out of state].  No one cared and no one complained.

    If anyone owes an apology, it's the aunt. She is acting like a big baby and should be ashamed of herself. 
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    Thanks, dkb. :)

    I missed that she declined the invitation.  I guess she's not an adult, after all.  Again, it's not your problem, it's hers.  Even if she does think she should have been invited for some reason, reasonable people get over such things.  Like, dkb said, what's the point of being all p!ssy?  It's not like showers are the best times of our lives - it's all about her silly pride that she let get damaged for no reason.

    If they don't want to come, so what?  Don't worry about it.  You wouldn't want them there, anyway, if they're being like that.  Obviously her husband isn't helping her come around to the land of the reasonable.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from momof3. Show momof3's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    Well feelings are just that they are her feelings and she is entitled to them.  Is the aunt over reacting? YES Is she irrational? YES.  But you can't change her feelings so my advise is let it go and move on your your wedding and do not think about it.  It will be the Aunt's loss for not attending.  I am sure you will have many other guests there ecstatic to share you joy.  Embrace them. 
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from downtoearth. Show downtoearth's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    Me-ow girls!!  goodness, an aunt who loves Fiance very much got her feeling hurt.  FI's Mother suggests an apology is in order.  Have him call his loving aunt and apologize for heaven's sake.  Sometimes people aplogize even if they are not at fault.  It happens every day and it's called 'being nice.'

    Call her and say you are soooo sorry her feelings were hurt by being left out of the shower.  You notice she declined the wedding invitation and hope it's not because of the inadvertant slight.  You will miss her at the wedding and look forward to seeing/meeting her soon.

    A nephew of hers that she cares for deeply is getting married.  She is hurt.  Fix it.  Don't spend another minute wondering which of you is 'right.'  Just make it better. 
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    Sorry, Aunt Beth, I totally disagree. She is a grown woman who is upset that she was not invited to a shower for woman she has never met.  If she had met the FI of her nephew, I could maybe understand her being miffed. However, she has never met this woman and the FI didn't control the guest list, nor did her nephew.  She needs to get over herself.  If she were still that close to the nephew, she would have seen him sometime in the last 4 years and made an effort to meet his FI before now.  She is being silly.  Yes, she can be upset, but to decline an invitation to a wedding for this supposedly beloved nephew b/c the MOH did not invite her to a shower is just insane. 
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    People who get their feelings hurt over irrational things shouldn't be coddled; they should learn to self calm.

    P.S.  I totally agree with ALF's latest post.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from onecoolchick. Show onecoolchick's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    I have to agree with Downtoearth.  Maybe she doesn't know the aunt well, but what better place to start than a shower.  She is immediate family that fiance was close to most of his life.  Life gets hectic and you don't get to spend as much time with family as you would like.

     I definitely agree that declining a wedding invitation for that reason alone is overreacting.  I think the right thing to do is call the aunt and at least make an effort to smooth things over.  I wouldn't want to start off on a bad foot with my new IL's specifically if MIL thinks it would help.  Just my two cents.

     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from kmt09. Show kmt09's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    Just to clarify, this is not "an aunt that loves her nephew very much."  Like I said in my original post, they were close when my FI was a kid -- that was about 25 years ago.  Since then he does not see or speak to this aunt more than once every 5 years or so, when they happen to run into each other at a family event.  I'd think an aunt that loves her nephew would maybe give him a call once in awhile.  Almost all of FI's family called him to congratulate him when we got engaged...nothing from this aunt.  They have grown so far apart that FI wasn't even sure if he was going to invite them to the wedding, but then he felt he shouldn't invite only certain aunts/uncles.



     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from heatherv1211. Show heatherv1211's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    I agree that feelings are feelings and we have them, irrational or not, and can't always control that.  Haven't you ever been in tears about something that, logically in your brain, you know is not something you should be feeling that strongly about?  I think whether she is right or wrong for feeling upset is neither here nor there. 

    That said, it's too bad that she couldn't have put aside her feelings for a second and thought, "Ok, it's just the wedding shower, and I know that they vary widely in how they are run and who is invited, however I'm very glad they included me in their wedding!" 

    I don't think you, kmt, should be made to feel bad about this for ONE SECOND.  You had nothing to do with it.  FI's mother or father should have said, "It will be immensely special to this aunt if she is invited to the shower," and  put her on the list!  Personally, I feel your FMIL should be the one to call and apologize, since she was the one who supplied the list for her side (inviting certain friends, etc).  You are not responsible for the shower guest list.  And FI certainly isn't responsible! 

     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from kmt09. Show kmt09's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    In Response to Re: Should she be upset?:
    People who get their feelings hurt over irrational things shouldn't be coddled; they should learn to self calm. P.S.  I totally agree with ALF's latest post.
    Posted by kargiver


    This is pretty much what my FI said.  He's not the type to say he's sorry if he doesn't feel he did anything that warrants an apology (trust me, I know, LOL).  I told him to handle this however he wanted to...I never tell him how to deal with his family members, nor does he tell me how to deal with mine.

    MIL, however, is definitely a coddler, which is why she wanted him to apologize.  She'll do whatever it takes to keep people happy.  You could kick her in the shin and she'd apologize for bumping into your foot.  :)  God love her though!
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    Irrational feelings are a part of life, and yes, I have them all teh time.  But, it's no one's responsibility but my own to rectify an irrational problem I've created in my mind.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from onecoolchick. Show onecoolchick's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    Well if fiance is okay with them not coming to the wedding then you have nothing to worry about.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from heatherv1211. Show heatherv1211's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    Part of the question was "is she right or wrong for feeling this way," and I, like some others, don't feel that feelings should ever be classified as "right" or "wrong".  I don't know if the aunt is asking for anyone to rectify this situation for her (kmt - do you know if she asked for an apology, or said something should be done?).  From what I've read, it seems to me the MIL is the one asking.  If the aunt is going around badmouthing kmt and FI, then I do think THAT would not be right.

    But I definitely don't think that kmt or her FI should be asked to deal with this situation at all.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from kmt09. Show kmt09's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    I don't know if the aunt is asking for anyone to rectify this situation for her (kmt - do you know if she asked for an apology, or said something should be done?).  Posted by heatherv1211


    Heather, I'm not sure entirely what she said, or if she asked for an apology.  MIL and SIL just told us that she said she wasn't invited to the shower and was very unhappy about it. 

    This aunt is on FI's father's side, so I have no clue what she's been saying to them.  I don't know FI's father or his side of the family very well, as they aren't around much.  They don't seem to make family a priority like his mom's side does.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    Maybe more to the point was, "Was her reaction right or wrong?"  Yes, feelings are what they are.  But, reactions - how we choose to express (or not express) our feelings - can certainly be right or wrong.  I think people use "feelings" when they mean reactions.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    This is quite a slippery slope, in my opinion.  Does she have the "right" to be upset, maybe.  Should she "expect" an invitation to a shower of a fiance she's never met because she's marrying her nephew, I don't think so.  She can be upset all she wants, but I don't necessarily think she's entitled to an invitation.  I would go the non-sorry route, if that's what you feel, and call to express your regret that they are not able to make it to the wedding.  But, to call and apologize that she wasn't invited to the shower, then to give a reason?  I don't know.  That doesn't sound like a good approach to me.  It would seem as if you're admitting guilt and/or taking the blame for something you never had originally wanted.  Honestly, if they're not coming to your wedding BECAUSE of the shower, then that seems really petty to me.

     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    You know what...I'm sorry...I'm so sick of the drama that comes with weddings. Auntie will get over it. Maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, but I'm sick of people being out of peoples lives for years and then all of a sudden when a wedding comes around popping up out of no where.

    Kmt, you know I love you....if she really needs an apology, have FI call her, but I would honestly just say "too bad".

    Liz in bad mood today!!
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    Liz, I'm right there with you.  I'm tired of people coming out of the wood-work when weddings roll around.  All the sudden they think they're entitled to an invite or some type of special treatment.  Okay... all the sudden we're related or friends??  I don't think so. 
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from kmt09. Show kmt09's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    You know what...I'm sorry...I'm so sick of the drama that comes with weddings. Auntie will get over it. Maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, but I'm sick of people being out of peoples lives for years and then all of a sudden when a wedding comes around popping up out of no where. Kmt, you know I love you....if she really needs an apology, have FI call her, but I would honestly just say "too bad". Liz in bad mood today!!
    Posted by Sept2010Bride


    Love you too, Liz!

    And I'm enjoying your feisty side today!  Smile
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from heatherv1211. Show heatherv1211's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    I agree - reactions we need to absolutely control.  A few times this week I probably would have been fired from my job if I hadn't controlled my reactions while on the phone with certain people!  :)

    In Response to Re: Should she be upset?:
    Maybe more to the point was, "Was her reaction right or wrong?"  Yes, feelings are what they are.  But, reactions - how we choose to express (or not express) our feelings - can certainly be right or wrong.  I think people use "feelings" when they mean reactions.
    Posted by kargiver

     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from jasmine09. Show jasmine09's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    Another thing to keep in mind:  if apologizing is going to lead the aunt to show up, but in a bad mood, it might not be worth it.    
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: Should she be upset?

    In Response to Re: Should she be upset?:
    I agree - reactions we need to absolutely control.  A few times this week I probably would have been fired from my job if I hadn't controlled my reactions while on the phone with certain people!  :) In Response to Re: Should she be upset? :
    Posted by heatherv1211


    I would get fired everyday if I didn't control my reactions to people on the phone...I work in HR, hello! And having a very opinionated loud-mouth personality on-top of that, doesn't help!
     
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