The Wedding Party

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from teeny331. Show teeny331's posts

    The Wedding Party

    Ok, I have kind of a sticky situation and I'm wondering what you all think I should do.  A little long, but necessary to paint the picture...

    My husband grew up with 3 guys from his neighborhood, and they still remain great friends today.  They've known each other for 25 years.  Two of them are brothers, one moved across the country, the other is two years older and though they're friends, they weren't the closest.  Now the third guy is a big party animal, always trying to be the life of the party.  My husband and I feel that he's having trouble letting go of high school and is doing this mostly to "please" everyone else.

    Since we're keeping costs down, I'm only having my sister as Maid of Honor and he was going to have the Party Animal as his Best Man (who he hasn't asked yet).  I was 100% on board with his decision until we bought our house.

    Party Animal was our broker, and now I despise him.  Who I thought was a fun-loving guy, turned into a major jerk.  I understand that emotions run extremely high when buying a home, but this man belittled me and talked down to me.  I was in tears because of him on more than one occasion.  Obviously emotions run high when planning a wedding too, so I don't know if I'm overreacting.  My  husband avoids confrontation at all costs, so I was pretty ticked that he didn't defend me to his friend.  I always play that song in my head, "When a Man Loves a Woman".  Silly, his love isn't in question, that's just the way he is, and he did defend me to his sisters, finally, when things got pretty bad (maybe I'll save that for another post if things heat up again).

    I asked my husband the other day, if he was still going to have Party Animal as his Best Man and he said "well who else am I going to have?"  I feel like he is choosing this person because it's almost expected, and he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  Again, the avoidance of confrontation, or fear of it.  I suggested he think about another friend of ours.  Someone we both know and love and trust, though someone we've known for a little over 2 years.  I told him it's completely his decision and it has nothing to do with me, but to please think about it, because your Best Man should be someone who you would do anything for, and who would return the favor. 

    Am I overreacting, or what should I do/say?

    Thanks ladies, and sorry!
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

    Bottom line, it's 100% your husband's choice no matter what his reasons are or what you think they are or whatever.  You have no say and need to s_ck it up and be gracious.

    Here I am being the heavy on your post, again.  Do you hate me yet? ;)

    Blessings,
    kar
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

    I'm surprised he still wants to be friends w/ this guy at all if he treated you like that when you were buying your house. 

    FWIW, you don't have to have any interaction w/ the best man, whomever he chooses. DH had his best friend from HS and his 2 brothers. I think one of his brothers is a total tool, but I'd never tell DH this.  That brother was one of the GM and his daughters were our flower girls. They all were going to be at the wedding anyway, and it sounds like this guy is going to at your wedding no matter what, even if he's not in the WP.  Let your DH choose whomever he wants.  You don't have to talk to the guy if you don't  want to.  :-) 
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

    I'm surprised, too, and I understand the aversion you have to the guy.  But, sadly, you are stuck with his choice.  ALF is right, though, you can have essentially nothing to do with him through the whole process.  And, I'm betting that they will drift apart after the wedding, anyway.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from teeny331. Show teeny331's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

    I'm ok with him going to the wedding, and I guess I'll have to be ok if he is the Best Man.  It just kinda stinks, haha.  I just won't make my sister dance with him!
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

    Teeny,
    I can totally see why you feel a little betrayed by your fiance for still considering the PA as his best man.  Having said that, (ok, who saw Curb Your Enthusiasm on Sunday??!), I kind of agree with Alf and Kar that this is your fiance's decision and you might have to live with something you don't like.  It's true that you really don't need to have any interaction with the best man - he throws the bachelor party and makes a speech, that's it.  (You might want to ask your FI to somehow check the speech in case he's the type to embarass you by saying inappropriate things!)

    Regarding the home-buying escapade, has your FI said anything to this friend like, "Hey man, you kind of hurt Teeny's feelings when you..."?  Maybe he has no idea what a jerk he was being.  Real estate brokers can sometimes forget how high emotions are when making such a major purchase, and that to the buyer it's not just a business deal.

    Good luck!
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

    well, kar and alf are right. if he wants Party Animal, there's not much you can do.
    However, it might be in your best interest to look at the whole situation this way: there's a reason why people say be wary of doing business with friends.
    Sometimes our professional behavior isn't always friendly, or even professional.
    You learned something from this unfortunate experience.
    If Party Animal ends up being Best Man, grin and bear it. Try to compartmentalize, put the business of buying the house behind you, and be the bigger person. kill 'em with kindness. all these cliches exist for a reason.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

    Also - Teeny - I love your Jimi quote!
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

    Hey Guys,

    I'm going to be the nay-sayer.  The BM will be in ALL your wedding pictures.  It is a place of honor, and if you really have a problem with the guy, you should talk to your FI about it.  In the end, it is his call.  But, he should at least know how you feel about it.  Afterall, if it hurts you or makes you angry to look at those wedding pictures because he's in it, that's an issue.  At the very least, bring up your objections.

    My FI has a friend who I have never liked.  He is just an arrogant jerk.  We talked about it a long time ago and I sort of voiced my concern that I didn't really want him in the wedding.  FI understood my point, but we weren't making decisions at the time, so it was just a conversation.  They have grown apart and the guy is not reliable anyway, so FI decided not to have him in the WP. 

    Anyway, my point is just this: your WP should be people who are closest in your life and who have supported you and you want to be up there.  I know tradition says you each choose your own side, but I believe that you should BOTH be happy with the decisions.  If it really bothers you, hopefully he will respect it and at least consider how it makes you feel.

    PS.  I don't think you are overreacting.  If the guy really treated you poorly and made you cry, I wouldn't want him in the wedding either.  And really, if FI chooses him anyway despite how much you don't want him there, I kind of feel like that is a problem.  Does FI know how upset you were during the home buying process?
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from teeny331. Show teeny331's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

    Oh I love you girls!

    My husband knows how I felt, because I called him from work crying after getting off the phone with the jerk.  This was over the summer by the way.

    We've only seen this person maybe twice since we closed on the house and I still greet him with a kiss on the cheek and a hug.  I've taken a few for the team in regards to my husband. 

    I did voice my concern to my husband, so he knows how I feel, but I did say that the decision was his to make. 

    But like Trex said, they photos are going to be there forever.  I feel like this is so petty; I usually just roll with the punches.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

    Trex, yes, it's a place of honor, but it's the honor that the husband alone gets to choose.  It's too bad it's someone teeny doesn't care for, truly, but it is what it is.

    However, it's NOT PETTY to be sad about it, teeny.  Please don't add insult to injury to yourself by beating yourself up about being disapointed with his choice.

    Believe me, chances are Party Animal will fade out of your lives after this.  You'll have plenty of photos of just you and DH.  Put those up. :)

    P.S.  Trex has a good point.  Are there other things that make you feel belittled and your feelings ignored?  His behavior, for good or for bad, will not change after the wedding.  Be sure you are sure, and don't roll with the punches right into a miserable marriage.  Not saying this in and of itself means it's bad, but it could be a red flag.  Only you know.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from teeny331. Show teeny331's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

    Well that's the thing, he's not really in our lives now as it is.  They hardly talk and see each other even less.  Which is why I feel like it's because my husband doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings and not because this person is a true friend.

    My husband does not make me feel belittled and when I have an issue.  When it came to buying the house, his argument was that we were getting a good deal, so let's just s... it up (why can't I say that?) He wasn't a fan of this friend during the process as well.  I was ready to call my nightmare of an ex boyfriend to help us buy the house since he's in real estate as well, but honestly, thank God I didn't! haha  Like Pink said, the one thing I learned from that transaction was to never to business with friends.  He was extremely unprofessional, and I don't know if that's just how he does business, or if he was a lot more lax because we were friends. 

    The only other problem I had with my husband was when his sisters were running there mouths and making up stories about me/us and he let it slide for too long.  His mother even jumped in to defend me.  He gets his nonconfrontational side from his mother, whom I adore!  I really don't want to turn this into a bashing of my husband, he's a wonderful man, he's everything I ever dreamed of.  And like all couples, we have our issues, but not deal-breakers. 
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

    if you think it will nag at your for years to come and really think it has to come out or it will eat away at you, I'd think about asking FI to tell Party Animal that, whether it was his intention or not, that he hurt your feelings during the home buying process and that you both want to forgive and forget. If FI really doesn't want to have that conversation, maybe you can?

    Response to Re: The Wedding Party:
    [QUOTE]Oh I love you girls! My husband knows how I felt, because I called him from work crying after getting off the phone with the jerk.  This was over the summer by the way. We've only seen this person maybe twice since we closed on the house and I still greet him with a kiss on the cheek and a hug.  I've taken a few for the team in regards to my husband.  I did voice my concern to my husband, so he knows how I feel, but I did say that the decision was his to make.  But like Trex said, they photos are going to be there forever.  I feel like this is so petty; I usually just roll with the punches.
    Posted by teeny331[/QUOTE]
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

    Interesting.  I experience this situation in the reverse.  I was going to ask a friend (who was sorta responsible for DH and I meeting) to be my BM and then DH expressed how he didn't want her as part of the most special day of his life.  He doesn't like her, and has legitimate reasons.  I took his feelings into consideration and just had my sisters and closest friend (who is also close to DH).

    He didn't force me to not ask her, but his feelings were important to me and influenced my decision.  That being said, this friend isn't my closest friend, and if she had been my decision may have been different.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from Toffee. Show Toffee's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

    In Response to The Wedding Party:
    [QUOTE]Ok, I have kind of a sticky situation and I'm wondering what you all think I should do.  A little long, but necessary to paint the picture... My husband grew up with 3 guys from his neighborhood, and they still remain great friends today.  They've known each other for 25 years.  Two of them are brothers, one moved across the country, the other is two years older and though they're friends, they weren't the closest.  Now the third guy is a big party animal, always trying to be the life of the party.  My husband and I feel that he's having trouble letting go of high school and is doing this mostly to "please" everyone else. Since we're keeping costs down, I'm only having my sister as Maid of Honor and he was going to have the Party Animal as his Best Man (who he hasn't asked yet).  I was 100% on board with his decision until we bought our house. Party Animal was our broker, and now I despise him.  Who I thought was a fun-loving guy, turned into a major jerk.  I understand that emotions run extremely high when buying a home, but this man belittled me and talked down to me.  I was in tears because of him on more than one occasion.  Obviously emotions run high when planning a wedding too, so I don't know if I'm overreacting.  My  husband avoids confrontation at all costs, so I was pretty ticked that he didn't defend me to his friend.  I always play that song in my head, "When a Man Loves a Woman".  Silly, his love isn't in question, that's just the way he is, and he did defend me to his sisters, finally, when things got pretty bad (maybe I'll save that for another post if things heat up again). I asked my husband the other day, if he was still going to have Party Animal as his Best Man and he said "well who else am I going to have?"  I feel like he is choosing this person because it's almost expected, and he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  Again, the avoidance of confrontation, or fear of it.  I suggested he think about another friend of ours.  Someone we both know and love and trust, though someone we've known for a little over 2 years.  I told him it's completely his decision and it has nothing to do with me, but to please think about it, because your Best Man should be someone who you would do anything for, and who would return the favor.  Am I overreacting, or what should I do/say? Thanks ladies, and sorry!
    Posted by teeny331[/QUOTE]

    I'm sorry, I'm confused a bit - you refer to your husband but you are talking about your future wedding?  (Sorry if this was discussed in another post that I didn't read...) 
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from teeny331. Show teeny331's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

    In Response to Re: The Wedding Party:
    [QUOTE]In Response to The Wedding Party : I'm sorry, I'm confused a bit - you refer to your husband but you are talking about your future wedding?  (Sorry if this was discussed in another post that I didn't read...) 
    Posted by Toffee[/QUOTE]

    I know, it is confusing.  I married my husband in March of this year, at City Hall.  We did this for 2 reasons, (1) I wanted to be married when we bought a house, and we were looking at the time, and (2) he's waiting for his annullment to be finalized, the priest said everything should be finished in February of 2010.  

    We were raised Catholic and still practice and want to be married in the Church.  We decided that getting married civilly and then religiously works best for our situation.  We will have our reception after the Catholic ceremony since we haven't celebrated with everyone yet.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

         I had a talk with my FMIL early on when not yet  engaged that helped me.  I was a little bummed that the day after a 5 hour drive to see his family,  having made plans to go out the  whole  next day with brothers (without me)  to a game, my sweetie was talking on the phone about meeting old friends in Brooklyn, another  whole afternoon without me.

        His mom said, she knew from the first time we met, we would marry - didn't she predict?  She had.
        So I might as well get it now, before wedding plans when I will finally meet some of his HS and earlier friends, and city college evening classes buddies.
         Most nice Italian Brooklyn boys from the old neighborhood  working construction trades, and many of her son's old army buddies,  would not have many ways of thinking in common with a NH college girl whose parents are both called Dr.  who raise sled dogs,  and go to museums.
         So think of it, her son is sparing me and these friends each other's company, I should be grateful.   Less conflict.  Shoes in different shoeboxes, both go with bluejeans, but you never wear 1 fancy high  heel  with a construction boot.

          I get on with my MIL,  and followed her advice through my meetings with a couple of really nice guys I turned out to get on with, and a couple with whom I have a mutual dislike.
           So what.  The two I dislike who were in the wedding party, we smiled at each other and went to seek out our own friends.

         You do not need to even pretend to like this obnoxious lout.  Just paste on a smile and walk on by.  But why argue with FI about friendships formed years back when they did for a time have something in common?   Think of all the ways your FI is different from Party Animal  and count your blessings.
        
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

    DKB:  that's exactly my point.  If FH knew that it *really* would bother you to have Party Animal in the wedding party, I think he would reconsider out of respect to you.  Unless they are really best friends, but it doesn't sound like that is the case.  And if he is going to just "fade away" after the wedding, why have him in all the pictures for posterity to see?  He should choose someone that will hopefully be a part of your life for a long time.  Not that you always know who will stick around and who won't, but in this case, you seem to know that he won't.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

    Maybe it really does depend on how close they are.  When my wedding rolls around, if my SO asks me not to have my best friend in the wedding, I will not marry him.  If he has an objection to any of my other bridesmaids, I would be willing to discuss it.  I would probably try to find them other roles so they could still feel honored.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

    Since you can't plan the "wedding" until the annulment is finalized, why don't you just wait. 

    By then, you will hopefully have gained some perspective on what went wrong between you and the Best Man during the house purchase or at least won't be so emotional about it.   Or maybe you can even talk it out with him and resolve it -- if he's one of your husband's best friends, he's going to be in your life a lot, regardless of if he's the Best Man at the "wedding". 

    Good luck. 

     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

    the question in today's Love Letters blog is very complimentary to this thread
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

    I think the reason this seems like an especially big deal is that there is only going to be one MOH and one BM.  If they were having a bigger WP, it wouldn't seem like a big deal to have a person she doesn't particularly like up there... but to have the ONE person up there be someone she doesn't like kind of s_cks!

    It seems like you have voiced your concerns to your husband and now the ball is in his court.  I don't think he should be pressured one way or another... unless the party animal called you nasty names or something really awful, besides just being an ars.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from ash. Show ash's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

    I know this was posted a while ago, and not sure if the OP is still looking for advice.

    I don't agree that the OP necessarily has to put up with an obnoxious best man.  There is a difference between putting up with someone who is just not your cup of tea and dealing with an arrogant obnoxious blowhard.  But that is only half the 

    If  this house experience was so bad for the OP and this guy was so obnoxious, what does her fiance have to say about it?  Why is this person even his friend anymore?
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

    Hi, ash!  Was just thinking about you the other day and wondering where you've been.  Happy Hannukah!  Hope all is well. 
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from ash. Show ash's posts

    Re: The Wedding Party

    In Response to Re: The Wedding Party:
    [QUOTE]Hi, ash!  Was just thinking about you the other day and wondering where you've been.  Happy Hannukah!  Hope all is well. 
    Posted by cosmogirl[/QUOTE]
    Hi Cos!  Thanks for the warm wishes.  I've been thinking of everyone over here.  All is well, and busy.  My oldest got her license, which is alternatingly liberating and terrifying.  I did see one of your responses on the "Love letters" page and I agreed with it completely (I think it was the one about the 26 year old dating a 24 year old who she thought was too immature).

    Best wishes to you and Mr. Cosmo (and all the wedding folks) for a happy or merry whichever winter holiday you celebrate and a New Year full of peace and joy.

    ash
     
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