Thoughts on not having a registry

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from purrfect99. Show purrfect99's posts

    Thoughts on not having a registry

    Hi Everyone! 

    I have a registry related etiquette question.  My fiance and I own a home together and don't really need a lot of stuff.  Is it rude to not have a registry for our wedding?  I am not having a bridal shower, and instead will probably have a Jack and Jill party.  I prefer those who are giving wedding gifts to give cash, since we are using most of our savings to pay for the wedding.  But I also don't want to be tacky or rude.  A friend suggested maybe using a store that allows cash back for returns, but I feel bad having people go out of their way to buy and wrap a present just for me to return it.  (although I'm sure there is some stuff we could keep and use). 

    Please let me know your thoughts.  Thanks!
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from Prill. Show Prill's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

    DH and I had no gifts (not even cash) for our wedding.  We went as far as having on the invite "please no gifts, your presence is gift enough".  As, like you, we had a home, had each lived out of home for quite some time and really didn't need or want anything.

    I think cash in lieu of gifts is becoming more and more common.  I have been to a few weddings where in with the invite is a little card indicating that they want cash - I'm sure if you google it you can find some appropriate language (most I've received have been short rhymes).
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

    purrfect, I was exactly in the same situation as you.....long-time couple, own home, did not need any household items.

    On the advice of these wonderful ladies on this board, I did register for a few things that we wanted.  Some people do not or don't like to give money gifts.  And we definitely needed a few things. 

    But if anyone asked, my friends told them that we were saving for new livingroom furniture, so we did get 95% cash gifts.

    I also felt that a shower was inappropriate, not to mention that I hate them and wouldn't subject my friends to it, but my BFF had a "not a shower" cocktail party for my girlfriends and we had a blast.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from Prill. Show Prill's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

    Cosmo - I am right with you on the shower.  I wouldn't want to ever subject my friends to sitting there watching me open gifts for over an hour, so also didn't have one.  I would have never spoken to my BM or family again if they threw me one, especially if they attempted to engage the group in some games.

    Shudder.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

    I would do like Cosmo did:  set up a small registry for those who want to give an actual gift.  The rest will probably give a check.

    However, I do have to say, if I received a wedding invite with a poem about how the couple wants cash, I would totally think it was tacky. 

    In Response to Re: Thoughts on not having a registry:
    [QUOTE]I think cash in lieu of gifts is becoming more and more common.  I have been to a few weddings where in with the invite is a little card indicating that they want cash - I'm sure if you google it you can find some appropriate language (most I've received have been short rhymes).
    Posted by Prill[/QUOTE]
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

    Honestly, I would do a very limited registry.  Who can't use new towels or sheets?  Put a very few items on there for the people who absolutely, positively have to get you a physical gift [and yes, they exist].  Most other people will get the hint that you want cash or checks if you don't have a big registry.

    There is no 'cute way' to let people know you want cash. I would vomit if I got a 'cutsey card' w/ a poem about 'please give us cash'.  Seriously. The only way you can let people know you want cash, other than by having a limited registry, is to pass the word by word of mouth if people ask.  If they don't ask, don't offer the info. 

    I also don't know of any store that lets you return registry items for cash.  Most places either credit the card with which the purchase was made, or give you a store credit.  They don't give you cash.   HTH!
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from FriarGirl03. Show FriarGirl03's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

    My FI both have separate houses so we have two of everything! We did register for some things as upgrades and the expensive things we're too cheap to buy ourselves (food processor, anyone?) but we're passing the word along that we're okay with whatever people want to do, either go in together on a big gift, get us a small gift or just give cash. We just want people to be comfortable. I personally hate giving cash as a wedding gift, but I understand that not everyone feels that way.

    If I ever got an invitation with a poem about giving cash, I would absolutely make sure to buy that couple a gift. Maybe even something personalized so they can't return it! Smile
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkandpearls. Show pinkandpearls's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

    I agree with a limited registry idea.

    Some people will find "please give us cash" offensive....so a small list would be appropriate for them to choose from. There really is no polite way to ask for cash only. But at the end of the day, it's your choice.

    I'm pretty sure Crate and Barrell gives cash back...one of my friends recieved duplicates of several items on her registry and when she returned them, cash was given...but that's not the most ethical way to go about collecting money.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from purrfect99. Show purrfect99's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

    Thanks so much for all the advice!!  I will go with the limited registry. 
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

    I'm with FriarGirl - if I received a "please give us cash" invitation, I would go out of my way to find a gift that could not be returned.  Maybe something handmade from a state fair or something similar.  Cool

    You could also do a Honeymoon registry - a lot of the items on those registries are cash gifts toward something you intended to do on your honeymoon anyway, so you're saving money.  PK did one, if you have questions.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

    There is always the possibility that some people, with no guidance at all from a pre-selected registry list, will get you a gift you love.

    But if you do register, even a few things -  they should only be things you will absolutely keep if purchased for you.  You are right that suggesting gifts then returning them is causing a lot of trouble for people, for nothing.  Also a waste of money, when they send a $200 gift with additional $37 shipping and $12 state tax-  So that a full 20% goes down the drain when you exchange for cash back or credit.  Abominably Rude.

        The cutest note saying "Please give us cash" - should prompt the recipient to buy an etiquette book, or 4 - and in magic marker circle the sections saying how rude this is.  Perhaps a note inside the cover, Black ink, Permanent - If ever anyone ever needed a lot of help with socially appropriate manners, dear, it is you!

        Note:  If someone asks you or your family if you are saving up for something,  it is fine to let them know.   Soliciting a gift of cash is different.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

    I agree with Alf, you can always use new towels and sheets. A limited registry is never a bad idea.

    I did a honeymoon registry. If you think your guests would go for it, you should consider it. It's best to leave off airfare and hotel rooms. Just register for nice activities that people might want to give: museum passes, couple's massage, dinner at a nice (but not incredibly expensive) restaurant, snorkeling, etc.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from FriarGirl03. Show FriarGirl03's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

    Pink - What website did you use? I'm thinking about doing the same. I've probably gone a little registry crazy!
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

    thehoneymoon.com

    there are a lot of options now, though. I'd look for the one with the lowest fees.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

    No one should ever ask for cash, no matter how it is hidden in poems or otherwise. Tacky, tacky, tacky. There is no "purrfect" way to ask for cash.
    I do not agree with the "Honeymoon" registry either. We once got an invitation with a note, that said "For our registry, please see our website". Entering the website, there was a registry for down payment on a house and one for their honeymoon. All set up with bars on how much received for what and how much still needed (if  I remember correctly the down payment was for $25.000 and the honeymoon $10.000). There was even a list on who gave and how much. That was the tackiest register, I have ever encountered. We made sure we gave a gift and had it engraved.


     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

    pingo- most honeymoon registries don't work that way. you purchase an "item" like you would for any registry. it shows what "items" have been purchased and what has not. We also certainly didn't register for $10k worth of honeymoon activities. Not even close. Although I'm sure most traditional registries have a pretty high total if the site showed it all totaled up.
    Remember, there are people who will register for PS3s and flat screen tvs. I find that tacky, even though it's a "traditional" registry.
    There's a right way and wrong way to register for things.
    That's why I suggest things like museum passes ($20 each, at the most) and dinner out ($20-$30 per person).

    the registry should look like this:
    http://www.thehoneymoon.com/registries/1267-aruba-caribbean
    very similar to traditional registries. Only instead of platter and blenders there are activities.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

    I am sorry pinkie, if I offended you. My post was not directed to you personally. I think your idea with registering for several items - as the ones you mentioned - to use on your honeymoon is fine.
    But the honeymoon register I was referring to was "just" - give us $10,000 towards our honeymoon and $25,000 towards a down payment. I hate to say, that my bristles stood straight up. What?
    I am trying to see if I can still find the couple's website. If I do - I will post it.

    In Response to Re: Thoughts on not having a registry:
    pingo- most honeymoon registries don't work that way. you purchase an "item" like you would for any registry. it shows what "items" have been purchased and what has not. We also certainly didn't register for $10k worth of honeymoon activities. Not even close. Although I'm sure most traditional registries have a pretty high total if the site showed it all totaled up. Remember, there are people who will register for PS3s and flat screen tvs. I find that tacky, even though it's a "traditional" registry. There's a right way and wrong way to register for things. That's why I suggest things like museum passes ($20 each, at the most) and dinner out ($20-$30 per person). the registry should look like this: http://www.thehoneymoon.com/registries/1267-aruba-caribbean very similar to traditional registries. Only instead of platter and blenders there are activities.
    Posted by pinkkittie27

     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

    pingo- no worries, you didn't offend me. I just wanted to show that not all honeymoon registries are created equally.
    I also dislike those deposit-account-type registries that list a "goal". I don't want to know how much money the couple is hoping to get from their guests0 and I can't believe it shows how much they've already received! That sounds more like a fundraiser than a registry.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

       " I also dislike those deposit-account-type registries that list a "goal". I don't want to know how much money the couple is hoping to get from their guests0 and I can't believe it shows how much they've already received! That sounds more like a fundraiser than a registry. "  pinkkittie

    That is exactly what they are.   I only have received registries for down payments or honeymoons 3 times that I remember, I know 2 were this bar chart on the loot brought in.  Also, 2 of DH's sisters and SIL were looking at them, wedding planning.  Even these 2 pretty mercenary women could not find the totals, gift amounts by donor  etc  anything they would send out.

       DH Mother (small bus. accountant),  took one look at one that SIL's friend had, the girlfriend  who had told her 'maybe you should do what we are doing.'

         They already have over 8,000 for a honeymoon?   If their idea of managing money is blowing 15,000 dollars (goal) on a honeymoon, when we save all year to spend 2,500 for our 2 weeks   (fade out to Italian curses...)

         Then without skipping a beat - that means so far the registry fee is 620  of relatives money, and if she gets all 15K,  the registry will get  over 1100 dollars.   It should be in large print - any fool who uses this registry should know we take 1,000 of the 15,000 just for collecting your money!

    This is why so many, including me, hate these registries.
        Total gifts - nobody's business.  How much other friends and relatives gave as gifts?  Nobody's business.   Paying someone 1,000 dollars to collect money, when they could give cash or a check directly to the B + G?  Highway robbery.

        On a 25,000 home down payment, the registry would get  nearly 2,000  at the 7.5% we looked at on that registry over Christmas.    Wouldn't the bride and groom benefit from receiving the money directly from guests?
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from flem26. Show flem26's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

    We are getting married in September and while we don't need a lot of household items, I do think it is a good idea to register (I love to cook so I'll use the opportunity to upgrade to Calphalon stuff, etc.) and I wanted to throw a few ideas out and get your thoughts.

    We love the outdoors so we'll likely register for camping equipment, grilling stuff or something like that. I once attended a shower where the bride opened a power-saw because the groom had registered for stuff at Home Depot, which I actually thought was kind of refreshing (and good for a giggle). We're not a frilly, china/placesetting type of couple so I love the idea of non-traditional gifts. But I wouldn't want to do anything tacky.

    The only other thing we'd like is some new furniture. What are your thoughts on somehow letting people know we'd like gift cards to a particular place to put towards furniture. I'd like to "register" at West Elm but no one is going to buy us a $900 dining room table, you know? By buying a gift card to a particular store, they can feel like they are contributing (in an amount they are comfortable with) to something specific - unlike cash.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from FriarGirl03. Show FriarGirl03's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

    I personally think that's fine. FI and I were going to register for a tent, and probably will once the camping stuff at Target comes out in the spring. The way I see it, wedding presents are for things to start your life together and things you can use together. None of things you mentioned sound tacky.

    As for the West Elm registry, I would definitely register for the furniture, but also some small things like pillows etc. Even if no one gets you any West Elm gift cards, you'll at least get the 10% off for finishing your registry! I would tell your family and close friends to spread the word that you were really hoping to get some gift cards to help defray the cost of the more expensive items on your registry. I wouldn't publish that anywhere, but if people ask, that's what you'd want them to know. I just wouldn't make that registry exclusively high-ticket items for the people that do want to get you a more tangible gift.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

    wag- I just still can't believe anyone could even hope to get $25k in gifts at their wedding! That would be $125 per person if you had 200 guests! Talk about wishing for the moon...
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

    My friend wants to register at REI.  I think that is cool and totally fits their personalities.  I'd buy off it!
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

    In Response to Re: Thoughts on not having a registry:
    wag- I just still can't believe anyone could even hope to get $25k in gifts at their wedding! That would be $125 per person if you had 200 guests! Talk about wishing for the moon...
    Posted by pinkkittie27


        We aren't that well off, but most often for family and close friends give a gift that  costs or is worth at least $300, plus shower gift.
    It is not traditional for any but family to give cash gifts in my family  circles,  and most of our area.  True of DH's family, too -  until this last generation, when many people's friends near NYC may  well give a small gift and a check for the wedding.

         But DH's parents generation, all but 1 own or are partners in small businesses, or are tradesmen,  mostly partners with relatives and often now their own children.
         DH's 20+ couples of aunts and uncles gave 500-1000 apiece.  My parents have 15 sibs   who  did similarly.
      We are not talking inherited wealth, there is none, except some were in business with a parent (like, plumbers, funiture makers)  or farmland was passed on.   Aunts and uncles who always worked a job and had apple orchards, sugaring or summer farmstands,  hand crafted things as second businesses (hard work).

         Any one of his or my family would have dropped in a dead faint at the idea that wedding gifts,  from their hard work to help with our future,  went for a vacation.   Phht!

         A lot of attitudes / values like this are passed down in families.

       One of my sisters married a well to do CT boy, parents professionals  who inherited some to start out.  He only had 5 aunts and uncles (couples) but they gave 5-10K each. His parents and both sets of grandparents  started over $25 K.    Her husband bought toys with it, over 100,000 worth, and after 2.5 years when they split, he was in debt.
        He learned all about money from his family !
        
         Many people these days - if you add up their registries,  HALF of what they register for   may equal $5K,  but I have seen some where it is $30K.

          pinkkittie, I know you and I are not the only people who do not have cash to spend  on whims-  but lots of $300 a pair shoes get sold, and 2,300 flat screen monsters, to people with no equity in their homes and CC debt.
    Lots of couples give and expect to get $250 from friends.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Thoughts on not having a registry

    well that's a big and generous family. not everyone is so lucky. and I have a few friends I couldn't expect $125 from, not unless I expected my wedding gift to come before their bills.
    plus, if I had 200 people at my wedding, it wouldn't be just close friends and family.

     

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