Uninvite my Boss...

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from snowbuns00. Show snowbuns00's posts

    Uninvite my Boss...

    My Boss has been in a lot of trouble at work and has recently said if she goes down, she's not going down alone.  Since I sent out the Save the Date cards 7 months ago she has been actively spreading malicious gossip about me and complaining to her bosses about me.  Actually, while I was writing this a coworker just told me she was gossiping about me yesterday too.  Her gossiping has been a huge part of why she is continually in trouble at work.  All of my other coworkers, including her bosses, that are invited have stated that they do not want to sit with her if she is invited. 

    We can sit in our tiny office for hours without speaking to each other.  She does not even extend the basic courtesies to me such as saying goodbye back to me when I say goodnight as I'm packing up to leave for the day. 

    I do not want to share my wedding day with this person and as it is, it was a courtesy invite to begin with.

    Do I just not send the invitation and see if she says anything?  I am definitely not inviting her but I just don't know how to handle it.  I honestly really can't see how she thinks she would even be invited at this point. 

    Oh, and I should mention that I am actively job hunting so I can get out of this miserable situation.  Smile

     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    Well, etiquette dictates that, if you send a STD, you must extend an invite.

    But, well, sometimes, I think the rules of etiquette should be bent a little. Plus, you know, etiquette doesn't dictate that the invite can't be "lost" in the mail.  Wink

    What an awful situation.  I wouldn't want her at my wedding, either.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkandpearls. Show pinkandpearls's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    Have you tried having a private one on one conversation with her?

    If she can't even say hello/goodbye I wouldn't stress over it...you should be able to have basic communication with people attending your wedding.

    There's no excuse for her behavior in any case...

    Sorry you have to deal with this...good luck!
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    You were short sighted, frankly, to send an STD to your boss.  And, now that you have, you should invite that person.

    However, given the situation, I'd expect it would be declined.  But, if it isn't declined and someone who doesn't deserve to be there decides to go, lesson learned.  You essentially invited him, like your thread title implies, and you're stuck with that.  Not sending him a formal follow up to the STD, an invitation, will only fuel the fire at work, anyway.  It would be very rude of you, and rudeness fighting rudeness...well, enough said.

    P.S.  "She," sorry - I turned the boss into a man in my head.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    I would normally agree with Lucy, but, this is a sticky situation because you have invited everyone else at the office.
    Because of that, actively uninviting only one person without giving expressed cause would be disastrous for you in office politics.
    Honestly, there are only two ways you can deal with this:
    1.) Have a conversation with her about the issues you're having. Maybe even request a mediated meeting so that you can settle the gossip issue once and for all. After such a meeting, you can be honest with her about whether or not you'll be comfortable having her attend the wedding
    2.) Express with deep regret to ALL your coworkers that you are now unable to invite anyone from work due to space/budget restraints.

    this is just another reason I usually shy away from inviting co-workers to anything. You have to invite everyone or invite no one. Doing anything other than that just causes problems.

     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    I missed that your other coworkers were invited.  That somehow makes it stickier, especially since none of them want to sit with her.  Of course, if you have a work table, honestly, where else would you put her?  You're not going to sit your boss next to your husband's grandmother.  I think PK is right - you should sit her down, with an impartial third party, and have a conversation about the whole thing.

    I agree with Kar that she will probably decline, for what it's worth.  I just, personally, would probably not invite someone who treated me that way, even if I had sent a STD, despite the fact that the rule says I have to.  But I also wouldn't send STDs, partially to avoid this issue.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    Ah, great idea, pinkkittie.   It definitely would be a disaster if you uninvited just her, not to mention rude.  But, if you absolultely can't stomach the idea of having her there, express with great regret to the whole office list that your financial constraints have changed from the time you sent out the STDs and you need to scale back the guest list to not include ANY work associates.  Not the most gracious thing to do, but it's a decent enough alternative to get past this problem.

    My original suggestion stands, though, of dealing with her being an asss and letting the guest list stand.  I spent about 30 seconds per person with my work friends at the wedding, and I actually like all of them.  We stopped at their table, and they each found us to say good night before they left.  That's it.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    even if you do decide on univiting the whole office, I'd still try and get a mediated sit-down. There's no reason to let this toxic situation perpetuate itself, especially when her supervisors disapprove of it.
    gossiping is bad for morale when anyone does it, and she's in a position where she should be leading by example. I think getting it sorted out, or at leats showing that you're willing to be part of the solution, will do a lot fo good for your workplace.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from MaisieFinn. Show MaisieFinn's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    Do you know for certain that you will never, ever need a reference from this woman?  Aside from the wedding dilemma, it would be in your best self-interest to follow others advice and have a third party intervention to put a band-aid on the work situation.  Her boss should be stepping to facilitate that, but I know that's not likely to be your call.

    I don't see how you can invite everyone else from your office and exclude her without burning that bridge completely.  Are the invitations about to go out?  As long as you're still working there I just don't see how you can avoid inviting her, even if you hadn't already sent the STD.  Sorry.  That sounds like a really lousy work environment.     




     

     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from MaisieFinn. Show MaisieFinn's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    Our posts crossed.  Your update has changed my mind.

    I would not invite her. 
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from Prill. Show Prill's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    Is it a social faux pas to send her a STD and then not invite her?  Yes.  Will it possibly be awkward when everyone around you is talking about the great time they had at the wedding that she wasn't invited to?  Sure.  But it is your wedding and if you  (and toyr DF) don't want her there, save yourself the stress and just don't invite her.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    have you been at any of these mediated sit-downs to address her gossiping about you directly?
    if so, there shouldn't be a problem with you going to her and telling her that due to the circumstances that you're no longer comfortable having her at your wedding.
    if the meetings haven't dealt with her gossip about you directly, you need to have another.

    if you make the rule that you're only inviting people you associate with outside work, you might be able to manage not inviting her. However, she could use it as further ammunition against you.
    that's the only reason I suggest approaching this situation delicately. She could turn this around on you very easily, and since it is a faux pas, others might sympathize.
    If she's gossiping about you repeatedly, someone else must be enabling it. Gossipers will stop gossiping if you say "I don't like talking about other people be hind their backs", so some of your co-workers are lending her an ear. Be cautious.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from MaisieFinn. Show MaisieFinn's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    But I didn't answer your original question: don't invite her, don't tell her, don't engage in any conversation with her about it.  If she asks (would she really?), I'd shrug, give a vague non-answer, and sort of wander away.  It's a tactic I've used pretty effectively to head off belligerence inthe past.

     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    Being passive-aggressive is never a solution to anything, it only creates more problems.

     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    Very tricky situation.  It sounds like you would be really unhappy if you invited her to the wedding, so I say don't invite her.  If she has already tried to get you fired, what worse can she do??  But be prepared for the consequences because I am sure there will be some.

     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from FriarGirl03. Show FriarGirl03's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    When is the wedding? Is it possible that you'll have transferred out of your department by then? *fingers crossed*

    I will agree that you don't have to invite her, even though it breaks etiquette. I wouldn't be proactive about telling her, but if she brings it up, I would be straight-forward about it. "I decided not to invite you because our relationship has taken a sour turn over the past seven months. You have said some hurtful things about me and my FI and I have decided that we do not want people who behave this way to be at our wedding." It sounds like you have a lot of people on your side and it's not like she doesn't know how she treats you. I disagree with Maisie that being vague will work here. It sounds like she has too much of a mouth on her to let that slide.


     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from MaisieFinn. Show MaisieFinn's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    Actually, avoidance of conflict is a viable option.  Snow's been proactive about the dynamics of her work environment and the conflict has escalated.  She's already decided, with her FI's concurrence, not to invite her boss to the wedding.  I would not engage in another detailed discussion that will just be used as grist for the mill. 

    I do agree though that she needs to be cautious about who else is engaging in the gossip.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    You could go halfway between Maisie and FriarGirl.  If she asks, say, "After we sent the STDs, unfortunately, we realized that we were going to have to have a smaller affair than we thought."

    Remember, a "small affair" is one for which the numbers could not be extended to include the person asking why he or she was not invited.  So, you're not openly confronting her and making things worse, but you're also not obviously dismissing her question with some mumbling and hand-gestures.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    You haven't requested time off for your honeymoon yet?  Are you going right after the wedding?  Not sure how it works in your office but it seems like you might want to do that asap and make sure she doesn't refuse to give it to you because you aren't inviting her to the wedding.  Sounds like a sucky situation!

    ETA:  Haha, funny that I can post sucky but not s_ck.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    I can understand that. I was thinking you shoudl head her off at the pass, but if you really think that it would be better to wait and see then you should totally do what you're more comfortable with.
    Hope everything works out for the best.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    oh, yikes! Trex makes a good point :/
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    Are you going to send her a postcard?  Wink
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    Do not uninvite her. Now, if you get a new job, or she gets fired, go ahead and refrain from sending an invitation to her.  But until then, just follow the rules - you sent her a STD so you have to send her an invitation.

    This is a perfect example of why STDs are unnecessary unless people have to make travel arrangements....
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    (Indeed, cute little magnets aren't worth locking in your whole wedding guest list months in advance.)
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: Uninvite my Boss...

    In Response to Re: Uninvite my Boss...:
    Are you going to send her a postcard? 
    Posted by lucy7368


    Once again, Lucy makes me laugh!
     
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