Was I supposed to ask?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from lilyanna79. Show lilyanna79's posts

    Was I supposed to ask?

    Hi ladies, longtime lurker first time writer :-) I'm getting married November 12 this year. Super super super excited!

    So here's my story- it starts many moons ago, 11 years ago actually, on a phone call. My cousin in New Jersey who I used to be close to got married at 23 (11 years ago!). 11 years ago,she called and told me she was getting married. She then spent 30 minutes complaining that she was short one bridesmaid. I'll never forget it because at the time I was really confused whether she was asking me to be in the wedding or just complaining. I told her I'd do it for her if she needed an extra. I thought that was the most reasonable response since I wasn't sure what she was getting at.  I didn't mean to invite myself into her bridal party but she was complaining and I thought I was being nice at the time (I was 21,what the heck did I know!) She "let me " be in the wedding and I traveled back and forth to New Jersey for her bridal shower, engagement party, bachellorette, wedding. Like I said, back then we were close.

    But as life and 11 years will do, we went in different directions and we went quickly. I stayed the party girl well into my late 20s and she was popping out kids by they time she was 24. She has three kids now, and I'm just getting married. We barely talk to each other. Nothing bad, it's just we haven't had anything in common in years. I wasn't even going to invite family from out of state until she called to tell me she had heard the news that I was getting married. She said to me "I better be in your wedding because you were in mine." I was kind of confused. I barely talk to this girl anymore, maybe once a year or when one of us has big news. I have 2 sisters and a best friend and they are the ONLY bridesmaids I wanted.

    I told her I wasn't sure about that but of course she would be invited. She got upset about that. Now we've got our wedding party all set and she isn't in it. I don't know if she'll come to the wedding or not but now I feel totally awkward about having her there because I know she got upset that I didn't ask her. But I was in her wedding 11 years ago! Some of her family have said I should have asked her because I "invited myself" into her wedding party (I didn't think I was at the time, I thought I was offering to help, she could have said no to me). My family says if I had to reciprocate a spot in the bridal party for every wedding I've been in then I'd have no guests left! 

    Do I have anything to feel awkard about or should I just not worry about it and go on with my days content? Should I apologize? But apologize for what?

    I'm confused. Undecided
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from koala. Show koala's posts

    Re: Was I supposed to ask?

    There is no assumed quid pro quo for inviting someone to be your bridesmaid.  You should ask people with whom you are close now.  There will always be people who will be unhappy about some aspect of how you are planning your wedding.  Without being a bridezilla, you need to do what's best for you and your fiance, and then just smile and be grateful for the guests who have come to help you celebrate.
    In my experience, I got married later than many of my friends and had a small wedding.  My two best friends at the time were single and I asked them.  That left out all of the women for whom I had been a bridesmaid in the past 20 years.  They were all understanding that I did not ask them.
    Best wishes for a happy marriage!
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Was I supposed to ask?

    Just send her the wedding invitation when they go out.  Then don't give it another thought.  If she comes, she comes; if not, oh well. There is no requirement that she be in your wedding party.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from ajuly09. Show ajuly09's posts

    Re: Was I supposed to ask?

    You are doing the right thing. Stand your ground and don't give in to her. It will just make this awkward for you and her being out of place in your wedding with your two sisters and best friend standing there with you and then...her.  This is your day and you should be able to have who YOU want in your bridal party.  Whatever happened 11 years ago is water under the bridge and even if SHE thinks that you invited yourself to be her BM, so what. It was 11 years ago... planning weddings are stressful and you don't need to be stressed out more by having her in your wedding, esp. from out of state.  GL!   OH and congrats and welcome! 
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: Was I supposed to ask?

    No you definitely did not do anything wrong.  You are under no obligation to have her as a BM.  Stick with who you have chosen and don't add her out of guilt (that always just leads to problems later on!).  I'd send her the invite and just not worry about it.  For some reason people can get all bent out of shape about weddings, but this is her problem, not yours.  I also would not apologize bc that is basically saying you did something wrong, which you didn't.  If you do talk to her, just tell her that you wanted to keep your wedding party small and that you thought she'd enjoy the day easier as a guest (especially if her children are invited too!).
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Was I supposed to ask?

    I didn't read everyone's response, but I caught ALF's first and I agree 100% with that one.  And, I'll add that what do you have to lose, anyway?  You haven't been friends for years, and there's nothing wrong with that in the first place.  If she's offended and doesn't come, that's her sad life.  But, you certainly wouldn't ask someone you don't talk to anymore to be in your wedding party, and, frankly, probably wouldn't invite them, either.  But, invite her if you want, and never worry one wit about it.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from EnjoyEverySandwich. Show EnjoyEverySandwich's posts

    Re: Was I supposed to ask?


    If she's making a stink about it, don't even invite her -- you have my permission.  :)

    As you know (or will know by the time your wedding has come and gone), every person you add to your guest list adds some complication -- as in, "I invited cousin Amy, and now cousins Betty, Carol and Debbie all insist on coming."  and/or "Cousin Amy insists you invite her spouse, children, and mutual friends X, Y and Z," etc etc.

    Everybody will have an opinion about your wedding, and once you come to terms with the notion that's impossible to please them all, you can relax and ignore those who are going to bring your happy day down.

    Oh, and I agree with everyone else: you did nothing wrong 11 years ago -- you didn't even invite yourself into her wedding party, you simply offered your services -- and you have done nothing wrong now by not having someone you rarely communicate with in your wedding party.

    Best wishes for a joyous and stressfree wedding!!

     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from Obbieite. Show Obbieite's posts

    Re: Was I supposed to ask?

    Please don't stress yourself over this.  You did her a favor eleven years ago.  She was stuck and you came to her rescue.  I have to agree that you absolutely shouldn't apologize to her as you have nothing to apologize for.  You both have gone your separate ways.  Don't let her make you feel guilty.  Enjoy your day whether she is there or not. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage.

     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Was I supposed to ask?

    Sounds like your friendship petered out for a reason.  No harm in that; she sounds like a petty child who never grew up.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from venforknot. Show venforknot's posts

    Re: Was I supposed to ask?

    Wow. You don't need to ask her. You wouldn't have even had to invite her if you hadn't told her you would. Now I'd say you kind of have to invite her. Just tell her to keep the fist pumping and hair poofs to a minimum.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from CConnors08. Show CConnors08's posts

    Re: Was I supposed to ask?

    It's your day. I wouldn't worry!
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: Was I supposed to ask?

    It is awkward, especially where it's family (where awkwardness is always magnified) but I agree with pretty much everyone.  Just send her an invite, and don't worry.  It can be hard if other family members insist on sticking their nose in your business, or if, say, meddling folks go to your mom and say something like, "I can't believe what your daughter's doing..."

    Your situation is very specific, but this type of awkwardness is par for the course, unfortunately.  One of those many trials and tribulations of getting married and having a wedding to which people are invited.  I say do NOT worry about her, enjoy your time, ignore anyone who has anything judgmental to say to you, and just focus on your fiance and on your happiness.

    When that becomes difficult, come to this forum and vent. :)  good luck!
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from miscricket. Show miscricket's posts

    Re: Was I supposed to ask?

    Wow..what kind of person tries to dictate who should be in your wedding..?? Geez..she sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do. Bottom line is..it's your day and you deserve to be surrounded by people who care about you. You haven't done anything wrong. I am with the others..send her an invitation. If she comes , she comes, if she doesn't ..no great loss.

     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from laryan. Show laryan's posts

    Re: Was I supposed to ask?

    i wouldn't worry about it.  you shouldn't feel the need to ask her to be in  your wedding just because you were in hers.  you shouldn't feel awkard or guilty either. 
    invite her anyways.  if she comes, she comes..if she dosen't, she dosen't! 
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Was I supposed to ask?

    i agree that you're under no obligation to have her in your wedding party. just send her the invite and leave it at that. if anyone says anything to you about it, just say "I'm sorry that she feels that way."
     
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