Wedding Babysitter

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from venforknot. Show venforknot's posts

    Wedding Babysitter

    Something EnjoyEverySandwich said in a recent post got me thinking. My wedding is no kids. This is mostly because if we added kids 1) we would literally have 35 children under the age of 11 running around our wedding which really didn't appeal to us (two big Italian families remember), 2) there are several very badly behaved children who feed off each other's mischief and whose parents do nothing to control them (these are my family members and yes, they knocked over the guitarist at a recent family wedding and the guy almost broke an arm, fingers in the cake, and at my sister's wedding they knocked down one of our elderly great aunts who ended up leaving early witha badly bruised hip) 3) we have an open bar and want people to fully partake without worrying about kids.

    We've made it really clear to everyone no children and everyone is actually more OK with it than I expected , looking forward to a night away from the little ones (fatigue from the last two events perhaps). The only person I haven't talked to is my cousin who is coming from out of state. She has four little ones ranging from 8 to infant. I don't know that she has anyone to leave the kids with at home and I'm not sure where she is planning on staying. If I offer to get her a babysitter do I have to offer that to everyone else? Paying for a babysitter for 4 kids is a lot different than paying for several babysitters for 10-35 children (and a trained marine sargeant for the little devils). We're getting kind of tight with our budget now so I really don't want to open this up to everyone. Everyone else is local so I figure it would be easy for them to use their normal childcare routes for this one night.

    Do I have to offer everyone a babysitter or can I just quietly tell my cousin that I'll get one for her 4 kids to stay at the hotel?
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Wedding Babysitter

    I'd say let the cousin fend for herself, frankly.  It's not up to the bride and groom to accomodate kids if they aren't inviting them.  The cousin can make arrangements for her kids to be cared for during her trip or decline to come because she has 4 kids.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from venforknot. Show venforknot's posts

    Re: Wedding Babysitter

    My wallet likes your thinking!
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Wedding Babysitter

    Remember, your wedding isn't the first nor will it remotely be the last thing she has to work something out to attend or decide to decline because she's got 4 little ones.  Her choices, her family, her responsibility.  If she declines, I'm sure you'll be disappointed to not have her there, but let her know you understand and look forward to seeing her and her family another time.

    We're visiting my in-laws next week, and we're kenneling our dog, not expecting our hosts to do it so we can visit them, you know?
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Wedding Babysitter

    If you want to pay for your cousin's babysitting, that's great. You don't need to, nor do you need to pay for sitting services for anyone else.  You are having a wedding - you choose who to invite.  The invitees get to choose whether they want to come.  If they choose to come and they have kids, it's up to them to figure out a way to find a sitter.  They chose to be parents; they  can choose to find childcare when they get an invitation to an event where the kids are invited, or they can decline the invitation. 

    Your heart is in the right place, but you are not obligated to do this.  GL.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Wedding Babysitter

    venforknot,
    You are under no obligations to pay for a baby sitter for your cousin from out of state. Like the other posters say, it is totally up to your cousin to accept or decline your invitation. It is her "problem", she has 4 young children - not yours. And she will have to deal with this "problem" over and over again in the future.
    If you are being really nice, and your cousin brings it up, you can offer to try to find her a sitter here, then give her that person's info, so they can agree on place and price. Or you can send her a few links to web sites, that advertises babysitting. If your cousin tells you, she cannot attend b/c of the children, be strong and tell her, "Sorry, we will miss you."
    - Pingo
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from EnjoyEverySandwich. Show EnjoyEverySandwich's posts

    Re: Wedding Babysitter


    My ears were burning, so I thought I would pop in.  ;-)

    I agree with others here.  You don't need to provide and pay for a babysitter.  For one thing, you have enough on your plate just handling all the wedding details.  You could hand this off to another family member (like the cousin's parents), if you think your cousin needs extra assistance.

    My point in the other thread was that often in a destination wedding, the couple will provide info about babysitting services that the hotel might offer, not that the bride and groom should actually provide the sitter themselves.

    I would send your cousin the "adults only" invite and leave the ball in her court.  But please, don't be offended if she opts not to attend.  Travel expenses for her and her family, plus babysitting for 4 kids will add up very quickly.  I have seen sometimes on other threads people getting very hostile towards parents who opt to decline invitations because of their children.  I find this hard to fathom, because no one really knows someone else's situation from the inside.   I've also heard of people having destination weddings who get irate when people decline due to travel costs. 

    Weddings and children -- two topics that seem to bring out the best and worst reactions in people, it seems!

     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from laryan. Show laryan's posts

    Re: Wedding Babysitter

    DH & i have been to weddings with and without kids.  DH & i have seen alot..from situations where a couple with kids was invited, along with some, but not all of their kids.  when they asked why suzy but not johnny was invited, they were told on more than one occasion that johnny was "too much of a rough-houser and dosen't know how to behave"...

    we've also seen situations @ weddings where kids were running around the reception, and have knocked down everything from pastry tables, cakes, and in more than one situation running into wait staff knocking over large heavy trays w/meals on them..alot of times w/mom & dad @ the bar oblivious to their kids behavior/actions..  

    these were the main reasons we chose a "child free" reception... 
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Wedding Babysitter

    I agree with everyone else, and want to add that I think EnjoyEverySandwich's situation was different because it was a destination wedding. While super fun, destination weddings can be harder on guests because there are a lot of extra expenses to think about (and if you're just an out of town guest, I think most of the time you'll know people in the area and maybe won't have to pay for a hotel or all of your meals).
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from EnjoyEverySandwich. Show EnjoyEverySandwich's posts

    Re: Wedding Babysitter

    In Response to Re: Wedding Babysitter:
    [QUOTE]I agree with everyone else, and want to add that I think EnjoyEverySandwich's situation was different because it was a destination wedding. While super fun, destination weddings can be harder on guests because there are a lot of extra expenses to think about (and if you're just an out of town guest, I think most of the time you'll know people in the area and maybe won't have to pay for a hotel or all of your meals).
    Posted by WhirledPeasPlease[/QUOTE]

    I agree!  I was thinking that since venforknot's cousin would be coming here, where I presume she has family, there are probably teenage relatives who she already knows here who'd be happy to babysit.

    Also, in my situation, I was fine with not attending the wedding -- as has been said by everyone, it's the parents' choice to not attend, which is what we did.  Plus, I had no problem with the kids not going to the ceremony, but was surprised that they were also unwelcome at the beach BBQ, which seemed like the most casual type of event you could have.  And a side note, in our case, it involved family that we have not seen in years -- they had never even met my youngest (who was almost 4) -- so that was our one regret in terms of not getting to visit with everyone and introduce her to them.  So our situation was a different kettle of fish from venforknot's in many different ways.

    BTW, venforknot -- I think it is really really sweet of you to be concerned for your cousin.  You seem like a very caring person.  You have my best wishes for a wonderful wedding!!


     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Wedding Babysitter

    I would hope that the bride and groom would leave it be, even if the cousin declines the invitation, unless the cousin asks for ideas.  It's really none of anyone's business even if it is family.  

    If I decide to kennel our dog before we go on vacation I don't care for the whole family calling with unsolicited ideas about what we could do with her instead.  If I needed help deciding what to do with our dog I'd make the calls and ask for help figuring out a game plan.


     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from laryan. Show laryan's posts

    Re: Wedding Babysitter

    i think weddings are just plain expensive...whether you're the bride or a guest.  obviously, the bride has the biggest expense.  if you're a guest you have to think gifts, transportation costs, drinking costs if you drink, clothing, babysitters, etc...
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from venforknot. Show venforknot's posts

    Re: Wedding Babysitter

    Thanks for all the input. EES - I saw that yours was a destination situation but it just got me thinking, this is kind of like a destination for her! lol. I would never be offended if she chose not to come. It can be really expensive to travel to a wedding (especially one near Salem on Halloween weekend!).  I've declined out of state wedding invitations due to cost concerns and I don't even have kids. I was thinking that I would love to make it easier for her to come so I would pay for the babysitter since she's my only cousin from out of state with children and we are pretty close.  I'm just glad there's no hard and fast rule that says I have to do this for everyone.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from zenbat. Show zenbat's posts

    Re: Wedding Babysitter

    In Response to Re: Wedding Babysitter:
    [QUOTE]venforknot, You are under no obligations to pay for a baby sitter for your cousin from out of state. Like the other posters say, it is totally up to your cousin to accept or decline your invitation. " - Pingo[/QUOTE]
    I think I'm going to be showing some of these posts to DF! We're having a wedding with no children under 11 (reception food is expensive; there is no space for little kids to run around; open bar). My family is fine with this, our friends are fine with this. But FMiL insists we arrange and pay for babysitting (even an extra hotel room) for a family friend with a toddler and for DF's cousin who has four children under 6. Said cousin had a child-free wedding and made no accommodations for those with kids. Said family friend hasn't left her toddler with anyone for more than a few hours. I think pointing out the hotel's baby sitting referral service is adequate, or maybe even arranging one, but paying for the sitter? And for a hotel room for the sitter and kids? We really have no room in the budget for this.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: Wedding Babysitter

    I think that nothing would say "I love you and want you to be with me on my big day" more than telling your cousin that you will be happy to find a babysitter for her and pay for it.  Assume it costs $100.  What percent is that of your wedding budget?

    If they are coming from out of town, I assume they wouldn't know anyone to call.  It would be great if you could get one or two of your not-invited teenage relatives, but if not, try sittercity.com. 

    As for the zenbat's FMIL's suggestions, I assume that the family friend is staying somewhere (a hotel or at home), so the baby sitter should be there.  If they want a hotel room at the reception site just for baby sitting, that should be on their dime.

    Since it's zenbat's FMIL's idea, her FI should tell his mom that they appreciate her concern about the baby sitting and it would be a lovely gesture if SHE would pay for it.  Let her put her money where her mouth is.

    Good luck!!!

    P.S.  Child-free weddings?  Priceless!!!
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from Lizard. Show Lizard's posts

    Re: Wedding Babysitter

    I agree with everyone here...you don't need to pay for a baby sitter for her children; however, since you are from the area and she is not, perhaps you could offer her some suggestions.

    You are very sweet to worry about her, but with 4 kids I'm sure she's had to deal with a baby sitter from time to time.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from JJLen. Show JJLen's posts

    Re: Wedding Babysitter

    It isn't an issue of whether you have to pay for babysitting -- you don't have to pay for anyone's babysitting. Or you can choose to pay for your cousin's, because she's coming from out of state. But you never have to pay for babysitting. So don't worry about that -- if you pay, that's very generous, and if you don't, you've done nothing wrong.

    The main thing is not to be upset or mad if she declines the invite -- with 4 kids, and out of state, it probably just isn't feasible for her (I have a lot of kids, and I'd decline in this situation, with no hard feelings on my end). As long as you understand that, no worries.

     
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