We're going down this road...

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from teeny331. Show teeny331's posts

    We're going down this road...

    So we've found our venue, we're just waiting to get the date settled with the Church!!  I'll give the details as soon as everything's set in stone!

    We're expecting to invite about 130 people.  Hubby and I went over the guest list, there's actually 170 we'd like to invite and 115 must invites.  Our parents are going over the lists.  My MIL thinks there are 4 people we need to invite that I really disagree with.  I agree with her others though.  Hubby and I discussed cutting these 4 people because they are not nice people, and our excuse is that we had to keep it to close friends and family because of budgetary reasons, which really is the truth.  If any of you remember, we're spending our $8,000 tax credit to fund the wedding, and realistically see ourselves spending about $10,000 total.

    These are two couples, who live in the neighborhood Hubby grew up in.  One couple happens to be the parents of his best friend.  The problem is that these 2 women, along with my 2 SIL's have nothing better to do than gossip and have been very cruel to me and Hubby.  One even tried to spread a rumor that the only reason we were getting married was because I got knocked up (which is not true, I take my BC like they're tictacs!).  They nearly ruined our relationship and after putting up with it for too long, Hubby finally stood up for me to them.  I only see his sisters at family obligations.  I think the only reason my MIL wants these people invited is because she lives next to them and has known them for 25 years and she wants to avoid confrontation (where Hubby gets it).

    I spoke with Hubby about his mother's wishes and he said he agrees with me and will talk to her about it.  Do you think this is something we should stick to our guns about?

    Thanks ladies!
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    YES!!! OMG- I can't even believe that after all of that, she wants them at your wedding!!!
    You don't even have to use the budget excuse with these people. If they have the gall to ask why they weren't invited, I would strongly suggest saying "You seemed to be the experts on my wedding and the motivations behind it not too long ago. I thought actually attending would be un-necessary for you, seeing as though you already felt you knew everything about it."
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    I agree, *please* do not cave to his mother's wishes just to make her happy!  Sounds like these people have obviously wronged you, and they do not deserve to be at your wedding, especially when it sounds like you have REAL friends/family you would rather invite.  Afterall, you guys are paying for this yourselves, no need to invite people you don't want there.

    Stick to your guns!  You deserve it!
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    "Oh, I'm sorry.  We only invited people who don't spread lies about us."

    Ok, you can't really say that.  But, it's fun to think up all the mean things you could say.  And, I'm with PK - don't invite them and don't offer an excuse.  Really, if they ask, couldn't you just say, "We both know you know the answer to that question."?
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    I agree with pinkie.  You are paying for this, and money is tight so seats are precious.  And, even if you weren't it's offensive that you'd be asked to have those people at your wedding.  The guest list, ultimately, is up to you.  It was a COURTESY, not a requirement, to let the parents go over the list and make suggestions.  They are suggestions, and, therefore, can be rejected at will with no reason required.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    I completely and utterly agree that these people should NOT be invited (and neither should the SILs, in my opinion, but a tougher issue there). 

    However, I think the tricky part is giong to be dealing with the MIL, not the actual wives of these two couples.  Who cares what they think.  But MIL could make your lives unpleasant because of this if she feels like it has made HER life more difficult.

    Is she reasonable at all?  Would she be able to understand why these couples are not welcome by you and your DH at your wedding?  I cant' recall - are she and your DH close?  When he tells her that the two of you agree that these couples should NOT be invited to your wedding, perhaps he can help her brainstorm what to say to them if they ask her why they weren't invited.  Maybe that would make her feel better about not inviting them.

    Yes, I realize she's an adult, but where MILs are concerned, if something might help keep the peace without actually requiring you to give in on an important issue, I'm for it!  But perhaps this wouldn't help, I don't know...
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    Honestly, it's very very rude to ask why you weren't invited to a party/wedding/shower/whatever.
    No excuse preparation is necessary. If MIL asks "What will I say to them?" respond "Say whatever you feel is appropriate, as I'm sure what I tell you to say will not be."
    You, or DH, need to express the emotional abuse you suffered due to these women to your MIL if she doesn't already know. You and DH need to firmly state that you do not want these women, who put so much effort into ruining your relationship, there on the day that you commit to said relationship in front of your dearest friends and family.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    Indeed.  It IS rude to ask, but these people have proven themselves beyond "rude."  However, if they do ask, the MIL is totally off the hook with what to say because it's not her party and not her perrogative to invite people or offer excuses as to why people weren't invited.  All she has to say is that she's not in charge of the guest list.  As for why her son doesn't invite them, she can claim ignorance of their reasoning.  Why should she be required to answer for them?  She isn't.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from teeny331. Show teeny331's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    Thank you so much! What a relief to know we're not in the wrong!  Hubby's friend, the son of one of the women is actually coming home tomorrow from a distant state to try and settle an issue between his brother and mother, because this woman is just a miserable person and has made life very difficult for many people.

    I get along great with my MIL, I love her dearly and her and Hubby are very close.  The problem with her and Hubby is that they avoid confrontation at all costs and unfortunately they don't realize how it hurts others when they don't do the right thing because they don't want to confront someone.  As for my 2 SIL's, I'd love to not invite them, but we have a strict working relationship now, we're we'll see each other and they'll behave at family gatherings, but that's it, I don't socialize with them anymore.  Plus, not inviting them would open a whole new can of worms for me/us and I rather behave gracefully about it than make myself look like the bad guy. 

    And does anyone know who "that-guy" is?  If I wanted the opinion of others on if we should spend our tax credit on our wedding, I would have posted that question in "Details".  We saved our money to buy our home, our parents have barely a pot to p!ss in, so we're doing what we can with what we have to celebrate our marriage with our friends and loved ones.

    =)
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from teeny331. Show teeny331's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    I was just rereading everything, these 2 women are pretty much the type who would ask why they weren't invited, lol.  I'm going to let Hubby take care of speaking with her about it, though. 
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    No obligation exists to invite people so recently downright rude to you as a couple,  to your wedding.   Mother can keep up her friendly neighborhood relationships by inviting these 2 couples to dinner,  at her home,  not your wedding.   Given your budget, spending 250 for dinner on these 2 couples would be galling.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    Just ignore that-guy.  He gets bored and goes away if he's ignored.  Responding just encourages him.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from that-guy. Show that-guy's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    OK, so you both grew up poor, your parents are still poor.  All the more reason not to toss that money away on something like a wedding.  But you're 25, you have a world of knowledge already - you know these things.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from italianqueen. Show italianqueen's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    As the mother of the bride this spring, I would definitely NOT invite or allow (by mother of the groom) to be invited, (since my husband and I are paying for the wedding) any people that have spread rumors about my daughter.  The only people that should be invited to your wedding are people who are important in your life (family, best friends).  Even then, some family members are better left out!!!  You want to be looking at everyone at your ceremony and reception and feel wonderful that they are all there wishing you well and having a wonderful time at your celebration.  As far as I would be concerned, this topic would be a closed issue not to be even discussed further.  End of story!!!
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    That-Guy: I am interested to know what kind of wedding you had?

    Also, I find it kind of hypocritical that you don't want the government telling people how to spend their money, yet it is okay for you to tell Teeny how to spend hers.  You'd probably be okay with it if it was a Bush tax credit.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from that-guy. Show that-guy's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    Yeah, I had the full wedding.  Sure it was a fun day.  But now that all the years have passed, it is so unimportant that I view it as a complete waste of money.  Actually I thought it was a waste then, too.  Point is, you get all wrapped up in this you lose sight of what you're even doing.  Do you need a photobooth? No.  Do you need chair covers? No.  Do you need 98% of the garbage you're throwing money at in a wedding?  No.

    And for the record, I'm not necessarily telling her what to do, just offering an opinion, same as you.  And no, I don't think tax credits are any different depending on who's sitting in the chair when they're distributed.  Unless a government is running a surplus(which in case you aren't aware - we're not) then credits are merely a way of getting the uninformed, unintelligent public to go out and spend money that they'll only be repaying later.  Pretty foolish.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    ----so we're doing what we can with what we have to celebrate our marriage with our friends and loved ones.-----

    Teeny, you are answering your own question. No, you don't need to invite your MIL's neighbors, if you don't want to. Even if they were the greatest people of all times. They are so removed from your friends and loved ones.
    If your MIL feels they are important people - to her that is -, she can always have a party later on in her home (or elsewhere) for them, where you and your new husband just show up.  This is done all the time.
    When our son got married, we had quite a few friends, clients, neighbors we would have loved to invite to the wedding. However we were not the hosts, so we stuck to the guests list my son and DIL agreed upon. Several months later, we had a cook-out for about 40 people to celebrate their marriage. Son and DIL attended, and everyone had a great time.
    Cut these people off your list and enjoy your wedding.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    Yes, but it is a stimulus and she will be spending it, thus stimulating the economy, no?  And I do realize we will be paying it back later.

    I do agree that SOME people get caught up in the whole planning process but not everyone goes overboard.  We didn't do photo booths and chair covers, etc because it wasn't worth the extra money for us (actually, this kind of thing is discussed on these boards a lot - what you don't need to spend money on because you won't miss it).  We had a simple, frugal wedding that was a great day for everyone involved and we didn't spend money that we didn't have. 
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    no photobooth, expensive dress, flowers, chair covers, officiant, limo, centerpeices, DJ or frills for me either. you set a budget, and you follow it. what your budget is, how you choose to spend it and where it comes from is your business, not anyone else's. unless of course you stole it ;)
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from MissWolff. Show MissWolff's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    don't respond to that guy...it just fuels him, clearly.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from princess-cal. Show princess-cal's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    Okay, perhaps he didn't put it very eloquently, but "that-guy" does have a point.

    Back to the topic though, I wouldn't invite these people, especially seeing they haven't been nice to you.  I'm sure your MIL will have beautiful pictures she can show them later.  I also like pingo's suggestion of her inviting them over after the wedding.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from Rapunzel41. Show Rapunzel41's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    I have to ask - how are you affording a wedding of 130 people on a $10K budget?!  We only have 85 and we haven't been able to keep costs down that low, no matter how we try! 
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    Rap, we had a long thread about this when teeny joined us, maybe you can find it.  It was pretty much a back and forth between people who think she's setting heself up for disappointment and those who believe it can be done if you're super frugal.  I'm eager to find out myself as I was in the former group (as much as it pained me to be so).  I hope I was totally wrong and she can do it the way she envisions on that budget!   Teeny is good peeps and seems pretty determined.  If anyone can...
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    Ok, to bring us back to the original topic...

    Teeny, It sounds like the only real issue is that your MIL doesn't want to deal with confrontation with these ladies since - no matter how many of us post how RUDE it is - they're likely going to ask why they weren't invited. 

    If this is indeed the only issue (e.g., your MIL is not making it difficult because she WANTS them there, wants control over the guest list, etc.), then I totally agree with Kar.  MIL needs simply to say, "I am not in charge of the guest list."

    p.s. your cats are cute :)

    ETA: I started writing this after one of "that-guys" posts, but now that i've posted it I see it actually appears several posts later...
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from teeny331. Show teeny331's posts

    Re: We're going down this road...

    Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your advice on this.  We were talking last night with Hubby's friend (the one who lives out of state and is the son of one of the women in question).  He said he apologized on behalf of his mother, but completely agrees.  They all just grew up with the women in the neighborhood being that way, nothing but gossip and trashing other people for no other reason than boredom and jealousy, so they learned to ignore it, but when Hubby realized how much it hurt me to hear these things being said about me, by people who really only knew me in passing, he stood up for me.  Who knows if they're still talking, since I don't speak with my SIL's anymore, I have no way of knowing, but maybe I'm better off that way.  It's true what they say "it's none of your business what other people think about you" but when people start spreading poison and begin influencing what other's think of you, it's hurtful.  I'm such a wallflower, too!

    Kind of OT but it relates to another thread I posted, we got the best man situation figured out!  The friend that I mentioned above (Hubby's best friend growing up) said he would be honored to have that role and wouldn't miss it for the world!  I'm psyched that we got that issue resolved!

    And Rapunzel, we're giong the DIY route.  No real flowers, instead I'm going to make them out of either coffee filters or fabric.  We hope to find a student photographer to take care of pics.  We got a great deal on a dj because he knows the family, same with the venue.  I'd love a photobooth for our guestbook, but instead will try to set up a makeshift version.  DIY paper everything, invites, etc.  We're going to buy our wedding bands on Etsy.  I haven't gone dress shopping yet, but plan to keep those costs very low.  We're undecided about a limo.  And we'll prob do cupcakes instead of a cake.  Chair covers look beautiful, but they're expensive and really a pain, people trip over them, can't tuck they're feet under the seat, etc.  We're pretty casual and just want everyone to have fun, dance and help us celebrate our love. 
     

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