InterFaith Marriages

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from sweetmagic00. Show sweetmagic00's posts

    InterFaith Marriages

    Hi, I'm recently engaged and am starting the planning process. My fiancé is Jewish and I am Catholic. We are not very religious, but we wanted to have both a priest and a rabbi present to perform the ceremony. Originally we wanted to have an outside wedding but just found out this week that the catholic church will not allow an outdoor wedding ceremony. I brought up the justice of the peace conversation with my fiancé and he was against it. We contacted his rabbi and he wants to meet with us to talk about what we plan to do before he agrees to marry us. I'm getting nervous about talking to the rabbi because he will bring up the conversation as how we will raise our kids. My fiancé and I talked about bring them up learning both religions and I don't think they will like that and refuse to marry us. Has anyone gone through this?

     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    I'm sorry you are experiencing such problems.  Especially with them impeding on the happiness of your engagement.  Not to worry.  If this rabbi or priest will not marry you, you can find someone who will.  If they don't agree with how your children are going to be raised, then again, someone else won't mind. 
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    Of course, any good faith leader of any religion involved in marrying you will ask about how you have worked out how to raise your children especially with regard to your faiths.  Only be nervous if you haven't discussed it with your fiance and have no idea.  That should make you very nervous.  Otherwise, share your plan.  Be honest.  They ask because it can cause major marital problems when the time comes if there's no plan, not to judge or try to force you to do anything.  That being said, though, if you get married in the Catholic Church as a sacrament, you will have to agree to raise your kids Catholic, i.e. have them partake of all the sacraments, etc.

    We are both of the Christian faith, but I'm Protestant and DH is Catholic.  We agreed on a plan and shared it with who married us.  (We couldn't get married in the Catholic Church for other reasons.)  We also did the workbook Preparing for Marriage, which was very good at getting our beliefs about a lot more than religion out on the table for discussion.

    I'd say that you need premarital counseling more than most people do to get past your nerves that might be arising from not really knowing what you want to do about a lot of issues. 

    If you're not going to be a religious couple in your life after the wedding, why have a particularly religious ceremony?  You can get married outside if you don't want it to "count" in the Church.

    There are MANY books on the subject.  Type in "interfaith marriage" on Amazon and you'll find plenty.  You aren't the first or the last couple to marry being Jewish and Catholic, but it does introduce unique issues that have been covered extensively in many informative, fact-based books.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    My friend got married in August 2007.  They had an outdoor ceremony with a rabbi and a retired priest.  She is catholic, he is Jewish.  I know a retired priest isn't the same as a practicing one, but my point is that you will be able to make it work if you try!  Good luck!

     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    I know what you are saying, kar.  We went in to speak with the priest who is going to marry us.  My fiance is a different religion than me, but has happily agreed to getting married in my church.  The priest did ask how we are going to raise our kids, and we were honest in telling him that we were going to raise them under my fiance's religion. 

    I definitely think it's important that the couple discuss all the variables involved in their marriage, so they are fully prepared for all the questions that the person marrying you is going to ask. 
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from wendy98. Show wendy98's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    I would check with another priest as I was pretty sure that if it is an interfaith marriage between Catholic and non Christian you could be married by a priest outside of the church.  If it is that important to you I would ask other priests or call the the Caridal's office.  Here is the site for the Boston Marriage Ministry office.

    But I have to wonder if neither of you is particularlly religious why go with a religious service?  Why not have a beautiful secular service that incorporates any tradition for either religion to make it meaningful for the both of you? 
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    I agree that if you're not very religious, you might as well save yourselves the touble and go secular for your ceremony.

    But, if your FI has his heart set on having a rabbi marry you, I'd say go talk to him. The worst that can happen is he'll say no. If he does, then perhaps your FI will reconsider the JP idea.

    I think teaching your children both religions is a wonderful way to teach them both faith and a repsect for diversity.

    But I have to wonder if neither of you is particularlly religious why go with a religious service?  Why not have a beautiful secular service that incorporates any tradition for either religion to make it meaningful for the both of you? 
    Posted by wendy98

     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from WMegs5. Show WMegs5's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    I was raised Protestant, but we are having a Jewish ceremony.  Like you, I was nervous about meeting with a few rabbis.  I would just recommend being honest with him or her about your feelings and not to get discouraged if they won't marry you.  Although my FI & I agreed beforehand to raise our children Jewish, no rabbi with met with would marry us unless I assured them of this.  There are rabbis that will do true interfaith marriages as long as you do your research.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from Cyclechic06. Show Cyclechic06's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    I'm sure if the Rabbi is ok with a dual ceremony, they'd be ok with you not raising your kids Jewish.  I'm surprised how easily you found a Rabbi to perform a dual ceremony.  My sister had a dual ceremony (A priest and a rabbi) but searched long and hard for one that would perform this type of ceremony. 

    Another thing you want to check with is ceremony time.  Most rabbis won't perform a marriage ceremony during Shabbat, so if you are getting married on a Saturday night before sun down you'll want to ask them about that.


    I have a name of a fantastic rabbi I'm using, both me and fiance are Jewish, but she performs interfaith ceremonies all the time, I think we're her first all Jewish wedding in a long time :)  I can send you her name if you are interested.  And we are getting married on a Saturday night before sundown, just had to push our ceremony time back to 6:30 is it was a little closer to the end of Shabbat.

     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from CityGirl07. Show CityGirl07's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    It can be done, like others said you might just have to do a little research.

    I am Jewish and my husband is Catholic. We had our ceremony performed by a judge, who is a close family friend of mine. We used aspects of both traditions and it made everyone happy. I can send you a copy if you decide to go that route and write your own ceremony. Totally respect wanting to be married by a priest/rabbi though. We thought about it, and decided that since neither of us has a relationship with a priest or rabbi, we prefered to be married by someone we know and who knows us.


     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    More than the actual ceremony and what an officiant might say before you get married, I'd get a good book on interfaith marriage that will prepare you for the unique issues you'll encounter after you get married.  I'm not sounding the alarm for it not working, but instead suggesting it will help to pave the way instead of muscling through the uncleared brush.  Marriage is a challenge for every couple; smooth out as many wrinkles ahead of time as you can.  Reading a book on this subject is an easy, painless way to do that and a way you can gain even more closeness during your engagement to your fiance.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    I have never heard that Catholic ceremonies can't be performed outside (and I was raised Catholic).  How very interesting....

    If you're getting married in MA, considering that you can have anyone you want act as a JP for the day, is there a friend or acquaintance who is religious that could do it for you, since your FI hates the JP idea?  Oooh... do you have any half-Jewish/half-Catholic friends?

    Personally, I can look forward to planning a Jevohah's Witness/Wiccan/Catholic ceremony.  Doesn't that sound like fun?
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from luvRIboy. Show luvRIboy's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    On the Catholic question: you cannot receive the Sacrament of Marriage outside of a church, it's not that a priest can't marry you outside of a church.  If he does that, he's doing so as an officiant only, just as if a JP were marrying you.  The trick to that one is that you need to have a relationship with a priest who will do this for you...you're not going to get a priest who you have no relationship with to do this, since their focus is on the sacrament.  My aunt was married in my grandparents' living room by a priest who'd known my family forever...my cousin was married outside by a priest who had been his chaplain in college...

    Hope that helps!  Maybe your parents have a close relationship to a priest who would do this for them? 
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from sweetmagic00. Show sweetmagic00's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    Thanks everyone... we found some Rabbi's that wiill perform interfaith marriages. We still need to meet with them to determine what we are going to do. My FI spoke to one of his religous friends who also suggested a JP. So now he is saying that if the Rabbi and Priest do not work out will we be doing just a JP.  
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    I have never heard that Catholic ceremonies can't be performed outside (and I was raised Catholic).  How very interesting.... If you're getting married in MA, considering that you can have anyone you want act as a JP for the day, is there a friend or acquaintance who is religious that could do it for you, since your FI hates the JP idea?  Oooh... do you have any half-Jewish/half-Catholic friends? Personally, I can look forward to planning a Jevohah's Witness/Wiccan/Catholic ceremony.  Doesn't that sound like fun?
    Posted by lucy7368


    Wow, that's eclectic!  There are two of you getting married and 3 very different religions in your list...I'm confused - who's what religion if you don't mind my asking?
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    Wow, that's eclectic!  There are two of you getting married and 3 very different religions in your list...I'm confused - who's what religion if you don't mind my asking?
    Posted by kargiver


    My SO is undecided (thankfully - I'm glad he's easy).  I'm Wiccan.  My parents are Catholic, and will only pay for everything if I have a Catholic church wedding.  His mom is a Witness and her faith is very important to her.  She also isn't aware that my SO isn't really a part of the church.  So.... I'm still thinking the courthouse is lovely. :)
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    Wow, that's a sticky wicket! I got lucky, an agnostic married to another agnostic, but then again we wouldn't have it any other way. I think it's easier for both partners to have the same level of faith, even if their religions differ.


    My SO is undecided (thankfully - I'm glad he's easy).  I'm Wiccan.  My parents are Catholic, and will only pay for everything if I have a Catholic church wedding.  His mom is a Witness and her faith is very important to her.  She also isn't aware that my SO isn't really a part of the church.  So.... I'm still thinking the courthouse is lovely. :)
    Posted by lucy7368

     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    Wow, that's a sticky wicket! I got lucky, an agnostic married to another agnostic, but then again we wouldn't have it any other way. I think it's easier for both partners to have the same level of faith, even if their religions differ.
    Posted by pinkkittie18


    I'm a fairly agnostic Wiccan.  :)  You're right - it is easier.  I remember I went out with this one guy who was really religious, and all his friends told him he would burn in Hell if he went out with me, and they staged an intervention on our first date because they were worried he would kiss me.... all very bizzarre.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    My SO is undecided (thankfully - I'm glad he's easy).  I'm Wiccan.  My parents are Catholic, and will only pay for everything if I have a Catholic church wedding.  His mom is a Witness and her faith is very important to her.  She also isn't aware that my SO isn't really a part of the church.  So.... I'm still thinking the courthouse is lovely. :)
    Posted by lucy7368


    Interesting!!

    If your mom won't pay if it isn't Catholic, does she mean she won't pay unless you receive the Sacrament of Marriage in the Catholic Church or does she mean physically getting married in a Catholic church?  If it's the former, there are certain rules and restrictions that will allow it to count as a sacrament.  You're such an analytical person I'm sure you've thought of this, but just in case, iron all this out with your mom to see what she actually expects (semantics can be a b*tch) and what the priest expects, as well.

     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    Yeah, I went home crying from middle school one day because all my friends were going to CCD and hey finally asked why I wasn't too. When I explained that I wasn't baptized and didn't go to church they all told me I was going to hell. Then my mom and I had a nice talk about how sometimes religious people can do some harm when they think they're helping.

    I'm a fairly agnostic Wiccan.  :)  You're right - it is easier.  I remember I went out with this one guy who was really religious, and all his friends told him he would burn in Hell if he went out with me, and they staged an intervention on our first date because they were worried he would kiss me.... all very bizzarre.
    Posted by lucy7368

     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from Epigal. Show Epigal's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    Hi Cyclechic -

    I'm also having trouble finding an interfaith rabbi (I'm Jewish, fiance is Methodist), and would really appreciate the name of someone who has worked out well for you! I have a list of interfaith rabbis from a website called interfaithfamily.org (actually a really helpful site for a lot of interfaith issues), but without personally knowing anyone who used these officiants, it's hard to pick someone.




    I'm sure if the Rabbi is ok with a dual ceremony, they'd be ok with you not raising your kids Jewish.  I'm surprised how easily you found a Rabbi to perform a dual ceremony.  My sister had a dual ceremony (A priest and a rabbi) but searched long and hard for one that would perform this type of ceremony.  Another thing you want to check with is ceremony time.  Most rabbis won't perform a marriage ceremony during Shabbat, so if you are getting married on a Saturday night before sun down you'll want to ask them about that. I have a name of a fantastic rabbi I'm using, both me and fiance are Jewish, but she performs interfaith ceremonies all the time, I think we're her first all Jewish wedding in a long time :)  I can send you her name if you are interested.  And we are getting married on a Saturday night before sundown, just had to push our ceremony time back to 6:30 is it was a little closer to the end of Shabbat.
    Posted by Cyclechic06

     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    I find interfaith marriages to be very interesting and beautiful. Catholic priests can be difficult to work with when it comes to this though. My family is 100% French Catholic and my FI's mother is 100% Irish Catholic, but his father is 100% Ugandan, so we are going to incorporate many African traditions into our wedding. We will be getting married in a Catholic church however, because my FI and his father are perfectly OK with that. One tradition we will be performing at our ceremony is the traditional broom jumping which occurs right after the kiss, we had to ask our priest permission, and luckily he granted our wish :)

    Broom Jumping:

    The most widely known African American wedding tradition is "jumpin the broom". This tradition was started in southern colonies of the United States during the days of slavery. Marriage for field hands was uneconomical and prohibited, but for house and yard servants and for artisans it was sometimes permitted but without legal sanction. Broom jumping signifies the beginning of the bride and grooms life together.

    Another tradition we will be doing, that is very important to my FI's father is called Yoruba:

    When a bride in the United States desires an "African-style wedding," she may be referring to the tradition of Yoruba. This very spiritual service reflects the depth of the African family by the sharing of gifts and love.

    The ceremony process may begin about a month before the wedding with a spiritual reading. Elements of the actual ceremony may include a Libation (a prayer with an offering, usually water or liquor offered by an elder). This ritual calls upon and asks God's blessing and the blessings of ancestral spirits. The groom verbally seeks permission from the bride's mother to marry her daughter.

    Gifts are presented to the brides family symbolizing the ability of the groom to take care of this woman. They are accepted by the bride's father. Other elements of the ceremony may include a tasting and explanation of spices, prayers, exchange of rings. A great celebration follows.

    I just wanted to share some of the inter-faith traditions I will be having in my wedding :)
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    Also, my FI was raised in the Catholic Church, which made it easier for the priest to agree with our traditions more. We will raise our children Catholic, and teach them about African tradition as well.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    Also, my FI was raised in the Catholic Church, which made it easier for the priest to agree with our traditions more. We will raise our children Catholic, and teach them about African tradition as well.
    Posted by Sept2010Bride


    Very interesting, Liz!  Not to sound glib, but it brings to mind all the wonderful food traditions in the family, too.  I love African Samosas!  Mmm, I haven't had breakfast yet, so right now everything is all about the food. ;)
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: InterFaith Marriages

    Kar, yes the food is very good, but also a little hard to stomach at times. I have been to Uganda once to visit his grandparents and other family, and the traditional goat is not something I find "delicious"! My FI is not into the traditions at all, it is very much his father, so he respects that. It is a very interesting family. It took about 20 years for my FI's mother's parents to finally accept FI's father's family.
     
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