Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from ulsterman37. Show ulsterman37's posts

    Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Here is the promblem. My fiancee wants to get married on labour day weekend in 2011 so her friends from Canada and Florida can have extra day to fly back home. Only problem I have with that day is that my sister and her family that want to come live in the UK and that will be first days of new school for her kids starting first grade. My sister says "I would think your fiancee would try to make every effort so her grooms only sibling can make the trip. (I have extremly small family. I only have about 20-25 people on my wedding list. While my fiancee has 60-70 coming).  Meanwhile, my fiance says " I think your sister would make every effort to try and make it to her only brothers wedding". So what do i do? Are these two just going to be upset with each other no matter what? I'm stuck.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I think it's a no-brainer that your sister coming from the U.K. trumps the other guests' needs.   (The closest relatives and/or those traveling the farthest get the most consideration.)  (I just made up that rule, but it's good, right?)  LOL

    Remind her that many people dislike having to attend a wedding on a holiday weekend.  Guests travel home on Sunday from most weddings, and it won't hurt yours to do so....

    Best of luck!


     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from RedFishBlueFish. Show RedFishBlueFish's posts

    Re: Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Not to mention that if you're planning your wedding in Boston, hotel rates are going to be ridiculous, with so many parents moving their kids into college.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I agree with Cosmo, I would think your sister's needs trump the friends.  I would have a talk with your FI and let her know that it is very important that your sister be there and infringing on school for her young child is just not a reasonable request.  You definitely need to talk about it in a reasonable way (that is, don't get mad about it, just try to explain it calmly).  I would hope she would understand.  After all, that is a long trip for your sister, so it would require her child to miss most likely several days of school.  If that can be avoided, I think you should try your best to accommodate her (your sister).

    How do you feel about the date otherwise?  After all, it is your wedding too, so you should have a say in it.  From your post, it kind of sounds like the date is mostly being selected by your FI to accommodate her friends, which is not really fair.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Sorry, once you have people flying in from a different time zone and on a transatlantic flight, their needs take precedence.  Also, the needs of a bride or groom's family members take precedence over the preferences of friends.

    We rescheduled our wedding to accommodate DH's brother's schedule.  Yeah, it was a bit annoying [particularly since I don't like that brother lol], but it was for a legitimate reason, it was his BROTHER, and said brother was a groomsman.  Your FI is being ridiculous.  Reschedule the wedding to a different weekend.  GL.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from ulsterman37. Show ulsterman37's posts

    Re: Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thanks everyone. I'm very flexible. I said she could any other date. She says she wants my input on the wedding plans, but then it just seems to not matter. It would be my secound wedding (divourced) and her first. So I say what ever she likes i'm ok with. I want her to be happy on her wedding day. If I dont say anything about plans, she says I dont care about the wedding. I'm so confused. :(
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I agree with the rest, your sister takes priority over a few friends.

    I understadn you're confused, but your fiancee is probably just stressed and wants to be sure you agree with her, however it seems she wants you to agree with what she wants.
    Just calmly explain to her that all you want is to have your loved ones with you and get married. This means you both have to work around your sister's schedule, you realize it's not ideal, but that's just the way it is.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e. Show 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e's posts

    Re: Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    The question I have is whether you'd silently resent this if you give in. If you're never going to get over not having your sister there then you'd better speak up more forcefully. She may be planning the event, but the marriage is for both of you. I hope the two of you can talk openly and calmly about all sorts of conflicts. If you can't, have you considered some pre-nuptial class, like the Pre Cana classes the Catholic Church has? Also, did you talk to your sister about how she feels? Perhaps her husband can cover the first day of school and she can get the red-eye back as soon as the wedding is over. Another option would be to have an evening wedding on the Friday or a day wedding on the Saturday and then your sister could get home on Sunday.
    If you are getting married here in New England Columbus Day weekend is a better choice for a three day weekend.
    Personally, I'd never make my husband choose between family and the flight convenience for friends. But I don't automatically read his mind and see things from his point of view and sometimes he has to spell things out for me.
    Hope this helps.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    My question will probably start a firestorm, but is it typical in your relationship that your opinion and family's needs "don't seem to matter" to her?  This particular situation has an obvious solution, and she's displaying very selfish behavior to not see it and do it with love and affection for you and your family.  A lifetime is a long time.

    I'm NOT saying you should call off the wedding because of THIS!!!!!!!  I am saying it's a red flag (in my mind, anyway) that bears noticing and deserves due consideration.  There is always a switch that can be thrown on the way to the alter that shunts you off your current track.  It's not set in stone until you say "I do."  And, if the relationship is meant to be, it can stand up to YOUR most serious scrutiny.  I hope you'll look carefully at your relationship as if you were a close friend of yours.  What would you tell him?  Would you slap him on the back and say "Of course!  Go for it, she's obviously the woman of your dreams that you can't live without.  She's just stressed and not being herself."  Or, would you say, "Gosh, buddy, are you sure?"

    Blessings and best wishes,
    ~kar

    ETA:  The other reason I'm reacting this way is the title of your post.  You display HUGE emotion in it.  Choosing "Serious" and "Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" is much different than something far less emotional like, "Groom looking for opinions on wedding issue" and indicative of just how upset you are.    You are obviously VERY upset and see this as very serious, and it could be argued that it's a reach from that evidence, but I'm betting it's a boil over thing from how you've expressed your need for help, not necessarily a departure from her generally sweet and thoughtful behavior.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I really don't think it's a red flag. She's probably thinking to herself that sis has options like those Green Mountain pointed out. Unless she's flat out said "I don't care if your sister can't make it" then she probably just thinks that sis is the one being inflexible, and doesn't really grasp how important this is to you.
    That's why, in my opinion, you need to just make it clear that if your sister can't make it on that day, you need to pick another day. No if ands or buts about it.
    Say whatever it is that you need to say to make her understand that this could not be more important to you and that it's not up for discussion. Either your sister is there, or neither of you will be.

    I'm not one to issue ultimatums and I almost never advise anyone else to make them, but this seems like one of those cases where maybe it's the only thing that will make her understand.

    Don't be afraid to tell her exactly how you feel.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Mm, maybe it's a yellow flag, but the extreme emotion expressed in the title makes me wonder - how can he be this upset and not have already told her exactly how he feels?  But, sure, it could be nothing.  See how she reacts when you lay it all on the line and determine for yourself how green, yellow, or red the flag is.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Hi, ulsterman....

      well, here's a little secret from the Bride Club!  Brides tend to ask their fiances for their opinions, fiances tend to not really care about 90% about what we're asking about, and we tend to choose what WE want.

      But this applies to things like cake decorations, bridesmaids dress colors, and the father-daughter dance song.  It should not apply to things like scheduling the wedding so your sister and nieces and nephews can attend without missing school! 

      It just goes without saying that the wedding date should be in the summer so as not to interfere with the kids' school schedule (or during a school vacation period).

      I assume that some of your other friends also have kids and their decision to attend or not will be affected by their kids school schedule also.

      It's fine for you to let your bride have her preferences on most things, but picking the date is something you should both agree on.  The fact that this isn't your first wedding has nothing to do with it.

      Remind your bride that people who love you enough to fly in from Florida or Canada will also love you enough to take a vacation day from work if necessary.  But I think if you survey the brides on this forum, you'll find that 99% of guests do fly out on the day after the wedding (presumably Sunday).

    Bottom line, talk to her.  She probably has this big vision in her head about something (i.e. a next-day brunch) that she hasn't communicated to you.  YOu need to gently separate her "vision" from reality.  Good luck!  :)

     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    In Response to Re: Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:
    [QUOTE]Mm, maybe it's a yellow flag, but the extreme emotion expressed in the title makes me wonder - how can he be this upset and not have already told her exactly how he feels?  But, sure, it could be nothing.  See how she reacts when you lay it all on the line and determine for yourself how green, yellow, or red the flag is.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    some people like to avoid confrontation and fights and will desperately seek any alternative. that was what I read into the title (I could be totally wrong, no offense meant). but this is one of those situations where confrontation just can't be avoided.

    Cosmo's advice is excellent.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I'm not offended. :)  It could be nothing, it could be something.  Only he knows.  I'm asking him to be sure in his own heart that he's doing the right thing, not implying (or believing) I know anything I can't possibly know from this extremely limited glimpse into the relationship and his emotional state.  If he can't handle being asked, "Are you sure?" he probably isn't.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    In Response to Re: Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:
    [QUOTE]I'm not offended. :)  It could be nothing, it could be something.  Only he knows.  I'm asking him to be sure in his own heart that he's doing the right thing, not implying (or believing) I know anything I can't possibly know from this extremely limited glimpse into the relationship and his emotional state.  If he can't handle being asked, "Are you sure?" he probably isn't.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    I was mostly meaning no offense to OP! I get what you're saying, though. I'm just trying to be bride-forgiving, which may not be applicable.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Oops!  You mean it's not all about me?  Embarassed
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from ulsterman37. Show ulsterman37's posts

    Re: Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thank you everyone for the advice. It's very helpful.Well to let u all know, i put my foot down last night with a smile on my face at the same time. I wasnt looking for fight. I explained to her that if it was the other way around, I would change the date so her brother in law and nephews could make it cuz i know it would be important to her. I just hope the new date we want is avalible at the venue. It will just add to the stress if it's not because it is avalible on labour day weekend like she orginally wanted. Fingers are crossed.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    good to hear she came around. good luck to you with the venue!
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e. Show 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e's posts

    Re: Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Nice job, Ulsterman. We'll all keep our fingers crossed. Just had our 19th wedding anniversary and can't stress enough forming your own "pack" so that you take on difficult issues together. It's always...I want this...you want that...how do we talk it through and make a decision together. Sometimes it is "us against the world" and we work it out. Cheers.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Uhhhh?

    Not a good start to a marriage....

    Trust,communication,consideration and compromise are the "basic" elements of any relationship.  You're posting here? - communication issue with you and your spouse to be. His way - Her way , where's the compromise? There are 365days in a year why only Labor Day? Why not a school vacation week?

    Sorry, no matter what you do here......you lose, both short and long term

    Step back, take a deep breath and sit with her ASAP - talk it out.

    just noticed this post was....11/19/2010

    Need Serious help. I'm the groom. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    posted at 11/9/2010 2:33 PM EST




    If it took all this time to resolve this issue......start looking for a good divorce lawyer!  ;)
     

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