I am interested to know...
If one's SO wishes one to not speak to someone, because SO does not feel that that person treats one very well - where does the gang stand on that?
A Question of Independence
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A Question of Independence
posted at 1/28/2011 10:16 AM EST
- diamondgirl
- Posts: 3094
- First: 7/30/2007
- Last: 3/28/2013
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Re: A Question of Independence
posted at 1/28/2011 10:41 AM EST
- backbaybabe
- Posts: 2158
- First: 3/18/2010
- Last: 4/29/2013
good question DG
i think the SO could possibly be witnessing something that that one doesnt see themself, thus the SO being concerned and voicing their concern. but ultimately, i think it should be the one's decision as to whether stay in contact with that said person.
unless that said person is causing friction between one and their SO, or causing real emotional distress, i think its up to that one to make the decision.
but there again, we're not privy to what "really" is going on between one and said person to really decipher whether its a truly toxic friendship or that hte SO might potentially be jealous of that friendship.
i dont know, just throwing different scenarios out there...
and not sure i made sense so probably didnt help much... -
Re: A Question of Independence
posted at 1/28/2011 11:09 AM EST
- diamondgirl
- Posts: 3094
- First: 7/30/2007
- Last: 3/28/2013
In this case, the SO is concerned that the other person treats one badly, but is applying no pressure to end the relationship yet.
It did help, thanks.
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Re: A Question of Independence
posted at 1/28/2011 12:02 PM EST
- diamondgirl
- Posts: 3094
- First: 7/30/2007
- Last: 3/28/2013
How seriously would you take it, Sal, if Diver thought one of your friends was treating you badly? Would you consider dropping the friend? -
Re: A Question of Independence
posted at 1/28/2011 12:14 PM EST
- wizen
- Posts: 302
- First: 3/4/2008
- Last: 4/16/2013
Ultimately, it's up to the person whether they want to end the friendship or not. But it's nice to have feedback from the concerned SO regarding the relationship - and good that they feel comfortable giving their opinion. Not good if they insist you take their advice. Because then you have TWO people abusing you. -
Re: A Question of Independence
posted at 1/28/2011 12:23 PM EST
- JeepersCripes
- Posts: 304
- First: 11/9/2010
- Last: 1/18/2012
Ultimately its up to one. Not the Esso. But saying that, it depends on how badly the Esso thinks said friend is treating one. Is it just a personality conflict? Or is friend a manipulative, back-stabbing, tool bag? -
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Re: A Question of Independence
posted at 1/28/2011 1:57 PM EST
- dkchoc
- Posts: 3
- First: 12/29/2010
- Last: 8/29/2011
I think it also depends on what the SO's beef is with the friend. I mean, are we talking about the friend standing you up on occasion or showing up late, or the friend being verbally/physically abusive? -
Re: A Question of Independence
posted at 1/28/2011 2:46 PM EST
- diamondgirl
- Posts: 3094
- First: 7/30/2007
- Last: 3/28/2013
SO is protective and possessive, which is a warning bell in and of itself, because he usually isn't. Also, alcohol is usually involved, which is a complicator.
There is no physical abuse. -
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Re: A Question of Independence
posted at 1/28/2011 2:57 PM EST
- diamondgirl
- Posts: 3094
- First: 7/30/2007
- Last: 3/28/2013
The reasons given are valid and well thought out, but the potential harm appears to be in intangible terms like hearsay, reputation, respect, impression, assumption, etc.
Since there is no concrete harm, it is difficult to gauge the level of impact on the person involved. The impact perceived by the SO and by others might be the chief issue. -
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Re: A Question of Independence
posted at 1/28/2011 3:03 PM EST
- diamondgirl
- Posts: 3094
- First: 7/30/2007
- Last: 3/28/2013
Yep.
No, seriously; this is about a couple of people none of you have ever met. Sorry to spoil any speculation. You don't know the friend. If you did, I wouldn't post it here. I would post on an advice site in Alabama or something. -
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Re: A Question of Independence
posted at 1/28/2011 4:41 PM EST
- TwoCentDonation
- Posts: 1492
- First: 3/26/2010
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In Response to Re: A Question of Independence:SO is protective and possessive, which is a warning bell in and of itself, because he usually isn't. Also, alcohol is usually involved, which is a complicator. There is no physical abuse.
Posted by diamondgirl
Who's hitting the booze? The SO, or questionable friend? Or the SO's SO?
And the warning bell - is that a warning bell that the SO is alarmed enough that the SO would be out of character, or that the SO is showing themselves to be a potential abuser?
My head hurts. Can we give these people gender neutral names, like Jamie and Chris? -
Re: A Question of Independence
posted at 1/28/2011 5:32 PM EST
- JohnCocktosten
- Posts: 109
- First: 3/19/2010
- Last: 12/5/2012
Don't ask people in Alabama. They'll tell you to divorce your husband and marry your cousin.
I gotta tell you, I've known my husband for 20 years and he's never made this type of request, so if he did, it would be a big deal and I would definitely consider it seriously. However, if I know he's very protective and has made requests like this in the past that I didn't agree with, then I think I'd talk to him and try to figure out a way to make him more comfortable with the relationship without having to actually end it. -
Re: A Question of Independence
posted at 1/28/2011 6:37 PM EST
- bzorn22
- Posts: 258
- First: 8/23/2006
- Last: 3/2/2012
I don't think anyone has the right to tell anyone else what to do. In this case it depends on the character of the SO. You said he was protective which is generally a good trait and possessive which is not a good trait. Mix in alcohol and it doesn't seem like there is a clear way out.
However, there are more ways to be in an abusive realtionship than romantically so perhaps the one cannot see this and if that is the case then the bonds that bind two people who consider themselves SO's make it imperative that the SO do something, although not speaking to somebody is a really passive-aggresive way to do it. Situation sounds pretty involved DG and nobody gets out of here unscatthed. -
Re: A Question of Independence
posted at 1/30/2011 4:56 PM EST
- diamondgirl
- Posts: 3094
- First: 7/30/2007
- Last: 3/28/2013
Jamie & Chris are married.
Dana has a crush on Jamie.
Chris thinks Dana treats Jamie like a possession/conquest when everyone is out drinking, and is unimpressed by this rudeness.
Jamie tends to tipsily ignore the whole thing, and is not much fussed about it.
Chris is getting increasingly irritated by Dana's behavior.
Did that make more sense? -
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Re: A Question of Independence
posted at 1/30/2011 8:54 PM EST
- bzorn22
- Posts: 258
- First: 8/23/2006
- Last: 3/2/2012
If Jamie is married then why is Dana involved in a crush with a married person. It sounds like maybe Jamie is enjoying the attention and Chris is jealous. So is Chris really being altruistic - just trying to help - or does he have another agenda. If it is Jamie who is the target of Dana's possessiveness and Jamie does not mind then Chris shouldn't interfere. Am I being thrown off by the crush?
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Re: A Question of Independence
posted at 1/30/2011 11:19 PM EST
- diamondgirl
- Posts: 3094
- First: 7/30/2007
- Last: 3/28/2013
Chris thinks it is creepy.
Jamie hadn't really noticed any special creepiness, but doesn't want Chris upset.
Dana is kind of a control freak, and likes to get power over people.