Advice?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from JohnDoe87. Show JohnDoe87's posts

    Advice?

    Ok LLer's, I've got an issue and could use some advice/suggestions.

    Back in 2002 I started dating a woman.  We dated for 6 years and had long term plans but things fell apart in 2008 and we split.  We haven't spoken, emailed or texted since June 2008. No contact at all. I've since moved on and have been in a relationship with someone else for the last 18 months. I was under the impression that she had also met someone else and moved on (from discussions with people that we both know).

    All of a sudden, I got 3 phone calls and 3 texts from her this past weekend. In one of the texts she mentioned that she is "going through some things right now" and wants to talk.  I didn't answer any of the phone calls but she left voicemail messages asking that I call her back.  In her last text she wrote "p.s. I love you". I haven't replied to her at all.

    This ex has some mental health issues (depression) that tend to pop up every 3 years and that, at least in part, led to our splitting and I have no interest in re-kindling anything with her.

    So my question is this:  Should I respond?  Or should I just ignore and hope she'll take the hint? 
     
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  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from Montyy. Show Montyy's posts

    Re: Advice?

    You say you have no interest in rekindling the relationship.   But being interest in getting back together is different than still having caring feelings about somebody who once was a very important part of your life.   Do you still care about this person and want the best for them?  Perhaps this person just needs some final closure.....or to ask you some questions a current relationship has brought up.  

    I certainly respect any desire to not raise false hopes or open any can of worms that can't be quickly resealed....so I understand the advice to leave it alone.  But ignoring seems a bit harsh.   Is there some sort of middle ground here where you can respond to her text - perhaps have one discussion with her and save the 'radio silence' option until/unless she becomes a pest?

    For example:  My boyfriend's ex called him the day her father passed away.  She was upset and my bf had been close to her family.   While I felt stongs pangs of jealously, I loved that he talked to her, expressed his sympathy, and went to her father's wake because I know that if god-forbid he and I ever break up I'll always be able to count on him as a friend if I need one.   

    I'd encourage you to try to be friend to your ex right now - with boundries....and my apologies in advance if her mental illness makes that blow up in your face. 
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from backbaybabe. Show backbaybabe's posts

    Re: Advice?

    johnnydoey - i agree with CHC. respectfully respond and tell her you're sorry to hear about whatever she's going through, but you have moved on, so should she.
    end of story.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from JeepersCripes. Show JeepersCripes's posts

    Re: Advice?

    I am going to make a suggestion, that may or may not go over well here. Have you talked to your current girlfriend about it? You have been together 18 months. That is a long time. Seek out her advice. She knows you best and probably knows more about the situation. If at the very least, just let her know what is going on.

    Second, its really up to you what you want to do. The ps I love you part, makes me think this isnt just a "tough" time, but more she wants to rekindle. Since you have no interest, you can either do what CHC said, or you can ignore.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from LWhitt58. Show LWhitt58's posts

    Re: Advice?

    In Response to Re: Advice?:
    [QUOTE]No, do not respond, any response would be interpreted by her as encouragment.   If she does manage to reach you, tell her you can't talk,  your significant other is waiting,  encourage her to get counseling,  and/ or talk to her Dr.   Say you are very busy and unable to spend time on the phone,   then say:  Sorry, I'm going into a tunnel,  I'm losing reception,  and hang up.
    Posted by Robin39[/QUOTE]



    Everything that Robin39 has said.  Especially the first sentence - ANY response whatsoever will be construed as you want to get back with her, as the "P.S. I love you" is clear that she wants to get back with you

    You don't want the issues you had when you were with her, don't respond. I do like what CHC has suggested by getting in contact with her family members about her text to you that she's having problems.  But that's it.
     
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  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e. Show 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e's posts

    Re: Advice?

    Normally I'd agree with CHC and say that basic good manners would require a reply, a reply that would include a firm setting of limits in terms of you not being the person to help her. After three years of no contact whatsoever, though, I'm thinking that you don't have to reply unless you want to do so. But if she's in any way part of your friends' and extended family's social circles or your work or professional circle, you kind of do have to reply, but just briefly, just to cover your you know what.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

    Re: Advice?

    Would you be ignoring her because you want to?
    Or because you think it's the right thing to do?

    I think ignoring someone without first drawing a boundary is one of the worst things you can do to someone, so I can't advise that.

    A simple text back stating that while you feel terrible that she's going through some things, you are no longer in a place where you can be of any help to her.

    Wish her well, but be firm and honest that you have no interest in a relationship with her, even as friends.

    Then, feel free to ignore.

    Good luck.

     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from bzorn22. Show bzorn22's posts

    Re: Advice?

    In Response to Advice?:
    [QUOTE]Ok LLer's, I've got an issue and could use some advice/suggestions. Back in 2002 I started dating a woman.  We dated for 6 years and had long term plans but things fell apart in 2008 and we split.  We haven't spoken, emailed or texted since June 2008. No contact at all. I've since moved on and have been in a relationship with someone else for the last 18 months. I was under the impression that she had also met someone else and moved on (from discussions with people that we both know). All of a sudden, I got 3 phone calls and 3 texts from her this past weekend. In one of the texts she mentioned that she is "going through some things right now" and wants to talk.  I didn't answer any of the phone calls but she left voicemail messages asking that I call her back.  In her last text she wrote "p.s. I love you". I haven't replied to her at all. This ex has some mental health issues (depression) that tend to pop up every 3 years and that, at least in part, led to our splitting and I have no interest in re-kindling anything with her. So my question is this:  Should I respond?  Or should I just ignore and hope she'll take the hint? 
    Posted by JohnDoe87[/QUOTE]

    You should ignore her. She has mental health issues and you finally got from under that. You don't want to go back. Messed up people always want to drag you down into the hole they are in.


     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from TwoCentDonation. Show TwoCentDonation's posts

    Re: Advice?

    In Response to Re: Advice?:
    [QUOTE] I think ignoring someone without first drawing a boundary is one of the worst things you can do to someone, so I can't advise that.Posted by ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink[/QUOTE]

    I think this only works if the person is rational and emotionally stable.  Attempting to reasonably draw boundaries with someone who is unstable tends to backfire, IMO.  You get caught in the "OK, you said I couldn't do X, so I'm going to do Y, so now we can talk, right?" game.  Or the "But why?!?!?!?!?!?!?  What have I done wrong????  I'll fix it!!" game.  And from there it just gets ugly.
     
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  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from TwoCentDonation. Show TwoCentDonation's posts

    Re: Advice?

    I'm not sure of that, CHC.  They may just think you're busy, or a jackhat.  Either way, I think that's better than dealing with crazy sauce.  I'm not sure the person who is being ignored will make the connection that you think they're unstable.  It's when you start telling them you don't want contact that they will start to wonder why.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from bzorn22. Show bzorn22's posts

    Re: Advice?

    In Response to Re: Advice?:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice? : And that's why it is so hurtful.  You are indirectly telling someone "I think you're crazy sauce"
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]

    Then tell them directly. "I am sorry but I learned that it is not a good thing to go out with crazy girls, it just makes me crazy."


     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from Seebell. Show Seebell's posts

    Re: Advice?

    To: JohnDoe87

    I would text back stating 'that you are in a serious relationship now and are very happy' and that you prefer she doesn't contact you ever again.  If she texts you AGAIN - DO NOT RESPOND. 

    If you give her an inch - she'll take a mile.   I'm sure she can turn to family or friends.  You have a decent relationship of 18 months now that you should stay focused on.  Do not 'invite trouble/your Ex' or you will regret it.  Your Ex probably just had a bust up with guy in which 'a counselor' or family & friends are best with her - NOT YOU.

    I'd change your number if I were you.


     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from justcat. Show justcat's posts

    Re: Advice?

    In Response to Re: Advice?:
    [QUOTE]Respond to the text with "I love you too, who the heck is this?!? I just got this new number and I'm getting all of these strange messages from people!  If you get in touch with JohnDoe, tell him the pharmacy called and the cream for his rash is in, he's being audited and he owes his ex-wife $10k in back child support payments for the 6 kids that he bailed on". Kthanks.
    Posted by 1personsopinion[/QUOTE]

    This is funny.  And I agree with Seebell. 
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from LWhitt58. Show LWhitt58's posts

    Re: Advice?

    In Response to Re: Advice?:
    [QUOTE]Respond to the text with "I love you too, who the heck is this?!? I just got this new number and I'm getting all of these strange messages from people!  If you get in touch with JohnDoe, tell him the pharmacy called and the cream for his rash is in, he's being audited and he owes his ex-wife $10k in back child support payments for the 6 kids that he bailed on". Kthanks.
    Posted by 1personsopinion[/QUOTE]



    This is brilliant.  :-)
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from sugarxo. Show sugarxo's posts

    Re: Advice?

    I agree with everyone that said NO COMMUNICATION.  It will undoubtedly turn into drama.  Avoid it.  She has no business saying I Love You via text... You know you shouldnt contact her. Listen to your gut.  Just Say No!!!! 
     

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