Advise: Processing the loss

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from jdrotten. Show jdrotten's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    In Response to Re: Advise: Processing the loss:
    [QUOTE]JD - Live in the present, my friend.  Don't borrow trouble.  (Not that you do this) but be wary of projecting your feelings onto someone else as well.  What I'm hearing is that neither of your are happy about a LDR.  You started the conversation with the observation that she is looking for a commitment.  Now she's going to dump you because of the distance? Sounds like you need to talk with your GF ....
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]
    We've talked about it, but you never know....just having an insecure moment.  Who knows what tomorrow may bring.

    'Live in the present' - I like that.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e. Show 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    Married almost twenty years, never divorced, no kids. My parents divorced when I was 27 and all us kids were thinking...what did they wait for??? There have been numerous divorces in our extended family. So, I can't speak to your exact situation.

    What I can do is echo the advice about taking things slowly and living in the present. I have a tendancy to rush things and to be uncomfortable with ambiguity, so, over the years, I've learned to tell myself: "Life is a journey, not a destination." This helps me a lot when I'm comparing myself to other peoples' lives, their achievements, their timelines.

    Also, getting pulled in a million directions can take away from one's inner growth, so it is good to have a space of some sort where you process things privately. I had a car that was my safe space during some tough years; when I had to trade that car in I cried all the way to the dealership. It was like we grew up together or something. Sometimes it's a mental space. Now I do a lot of my thinking when I walk.

    As for the folks i know who divorced, I think that it was hard to find equilibrium until the legal process was finished. The people I know who divorced did much better in their lives after everything was finished and they adjusted. I know that is harder when you share children but I think it has been true for the most part.

    Pushing for a commitment? I think this is a very personal thing between you and your friend. I'm so stubborn and boneheaded that I don't like to be pushed about anything, but that's me. I had a psychologist who said that what she wanted to leave me with was the ability to have her to consult in my head...someone who knew me who was in my corner...like having a good friend in my head. So, that's why I often post the question: if this were your best friend asking the question...how would you advise him/her?

    You seem like a very caring thoughtful person and my gut sense is that you're going to make good decisions.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from HipHepcat. Show HipHepcat's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    JDRotten,

    You've got introspection going for you, I think that's worth a lot.  It's been almost three years since my divorce and even though I've had a few relationships since, I can't say I'm 100% over it.  It was definitely the most painful event of my life.

    I think I've come to acceptance, but it still pulls at my heart a bit, mostly if I bump into her.  I used to get upset with myself for not being 'over her' quick enough.  With the help of a good therapist, I've come to accept that there's no time frame that's 'normal' for getting over something like that.  We're all different, and it takes the time it takes.  Don't beat yourself up for not getting past it quick enough.   I hope you're able to get some therapy, it really helped me a lot.

    I'm always trying to live in the moment, and at these times it's so important.  Lean on your friends as best as you can.  You seem like a sincere, kind, likable guy.  I'll give you something my very good friend gave me when I was at my lowest point.  Hope it helps a very tiny bit:

    The most beautiful people we have known
    are those who have known defeat, 
    known suffering, known struggle, known loss, 
    and have found their way out of those depths. 
    These persons have an appreciation, 
    a sensitivity, and an understanding 
    of life that fills them with compassion, 
    gentleness, and a deep loving concern. 
    Beautiful people do not just happen, They are made. 

    -- Elizabeth Kubler Ross


    Good luck.  Take the good from each day you can.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from bzorn22. Show bzorn22's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    Well JD I have been divorced three times and I must tell you that while it gets more predictable it doesn't get easier. If you are not the custodial parent you have to make sure that you are in there lives on a consistent basis. If you call them every night at 8 then you have to keep doing that. Just like you are feeling your way in a world that has markedly changed, so are they.

    You asked about dating. Depends on what kind of dating you have in mind. If it is date to do something together, that is one thing. If it is date to mate, that is something all together different.

    Be careful with the LDR. LDR's can be very tricky because we can put the person on a pedestal and blind ourselves to the real issues at hand. Are you ready to commit. Ready in mind and spirit to do so. Ready to deal with the confusion that your children will feel. If so then what the heck. But if not slow it down. There are so many more things that come into play now that were not there when you first began dating your ex.

    Good luck and take it slow.  
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from EnjoyEverySandwich. Show EnjoyEverySandwich's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss


    HipHepcat:

    That was a beautiful quote by Kubler Ross.  Thank you for posting it.

     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from HipHepcat. Show HipHepcat's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    My pleasure Sandwich. I've passed it along to a few since.  You might even see me post it when a LW looks like they could use it.
     
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  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from EnjoyEverySandwich. Show EnjoyEverySandwich's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    In Response to Re: Advise: Processing the loss:
    [QUOTE]My pleasure Sandwich. I've passed it along to a few since.  You might even see me post it when a LW looks like they could use it.
    Posted by HipHepcat[/QUOTE]

    The quote reminds of a book my mom gave me a long time ago called Necessary Losses.  The premise was that the losses we experience are necessary for us to grow and have better relationships in the future.   I have to confess that I never read the book(!), because the premise seemed to say it all -- even the lowest of low points in our lives are learning experiences -- probably better learning experiences than the good moments.

    I think that Kubler Ross quote though, really sums it up, and spares you $10 and 450 pages!  The book got good reviews on Amazon, though, so perhaps others may find it helpful.

     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from LifeLessonsLearned. Show LifeLessonsLearned's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    Hey JD --

    Never been married, but I do know something about toxicity, because I had to "divorce" my parents a decade ago. Some relationships just break beyond repair, and when all there is left is the poison, it's time to go.

    So I'm writing to say that yes, in my personal experience, indifference is the opposite of love/hate. When I was able to reach the point of indifference to my mother, the past quit casting a pall over the present. The hate had gone away just like the love had. I was finally free.

    As for your current GF, live for today. Planning a future together involves give and take under the best of circumstances. And circumstances aren't so hot right now for either one of you. Just enjoy what you have and help one another heal. Continue to heal, I should say -- the fact that you have a functioning relationship right now shows both of you have made progress.

    Keep the faith. I enjoy your advice to LWs - your own experience brings depth to what you say to others struggling with love.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from Seebell. Show Seebell's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    Hi there jdrotten:

    I am sorry you have to go thru divorce.

    I found divorce to be like a "death" of a loved one.  It takes awhile to recover....and then one day when you least expect it - the worst of the hurt is soothed.  I remember praying and praying that the hurt would go and praying that I heal quick and move on.......didn't happen as quick as I wanted it to - it has to take it's own course somehow.

    To me - it was so painful that I could not imagine having to ever go thru it again.

    Good luck.

     
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    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    @L to the third power: are we sisters? Toxic parents. Now that's a topic all on its own. And, no, you (parent) darlings who contribute to LL, I don't mean you. Think Nurse Ratchet on steroids.

    @HepCat: I loved the Kubler-Ross quote. I am often complimented on how compassionate I am...guess how I got that way? It's my way of paying-it-forward for all the help I've received.

    @jdrotten: keep on keepin' on, as we used to say back in the sixties and seventies.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from McBostonrob. Show McBostonrob's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    Best wishes, JD.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from JeepersCripes. Show JeepersCripes's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    Second Lilerz.

    Like wicked second.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from jdrotten. Show jdrotten's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    thanks for sharing everyone!  I got busy with my 3 kids so had to step away yesterday.

    hiphep: thanks buddy...love that quote, it's a keeper.  I'm definitely seeing a therapist, which helps a lot.
    lily: I need to learn how to live in the present for sure
    bzorn: I've got my kids 50/50, which is awesome.  It's not easy being a single dad with
    3 kids.  It's challenging, rewarding and overwhelming at times doing it alone.  I'll try to take things slow.
    LLL: Like you said, planning a future is hard under the best of circumstances.  So true!
    Like so many have said, I need to take things slow and try to learn to live in the
    present.

    more to come a bit later....thanks again everybody, I really really appreciate it!
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from jdrotten. Show jdrotten's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    gmv wrote:Also, getting pulled in a million directions can take away from one's inner growth, so it is good to have a space of some sort where you process things privately.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I do feel like I'm being pulled in a million directions.  Feel like I'm on a runaway treadmill at times.  I have much to be thankful for though, and I try to remind myself of that all the time.  Thanks for the kind words.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from yogafriend. Show yogafriend's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    Hi JD,

    Nice advice.  What I really like about you is that you are receptive to all of the advice you receive and seem to appreciate all of the feedback.  That speaks to the way you sincerely want to process your feelings in a productive way so they don't come back to haunt you, and/or, when they do come back, you'll have the coping skills to deal with them.

    To me, that's what this is really about.  Developing a skill set to manage, deal with, and cope.  No matter what comes up in life in the way of loss, whether it is divorce, death, even job loss, it's the logistics, and the "end goal" and the environment that is different, but the process is very similar. 

    I have not read many "self help" books, but for me, the best book I have ever read that has helped me in my every day life and has helped me get through some rough times is "The Art of Happiness"  -- the main premise is that happiness is a state of mind, and even though it is the end goal in life, it is a state of mind, and you are not going to feel happiness all the time, or in every aspect of your life.  It is a goal, and we do not "reside" there.  The books point out that we all have negative, difficult, if not terrible experiences in our lives, but when we get a grip, we realize that our emotions are within our control, and we can learn to release emotions that are destructive to achieving balance and righting our paths.  It is very important to realize that happiness and even stability are not constants -- they can be very unpredictable and fleeting, so when you feel unsettled, that doesn't mean anything is wrong. 

    All emotions serve a purpose.  All of your questions, fears, your anger at times, insecurities, your longings, all of it, serve a purpose, as you go through your path from your life married to your ex, moving into your new path on your own, you are still a father, a friend, and a good person.  You are on a new path. 

    Take care, JD. 
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from jdrotten. Show jdrotten's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    Seebell wrote: To me - it was so painful that I could not imagine having to ever go thru it again.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I'm sorry you went through such a tough patch.  You mentioned praying, which is funny cause I was thinking of going to the chapel and lighting a candle and praying for a bit this morning(I haven't been in a church in a very long time)  I could use some spirituality in my life.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from jdrotten. Show jdrotten's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    In Response to Re: Advise: Processing the loss:
    [QUOTE]Best wishes, JD.
    Posted by McBostonrob[/QUOTE]
    thanks man.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from jdrotten. Show jdrotten's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    LifeLessonsLearned
    Posts: 36
    First: 8/24/2010
    Last: 12/6/2010
    Hey JD --

    Never been married, but I do know something about toxicity, because I had to "divorce" my parents a decade ago. Some relationships just break beyond repair, and when all there is left is the poison, it's time to go.

    So I'm writing to say that yes, in my personal experience, indifference is the opposite of love/hate. When I was able to reach the point of indifference to my mother, the past quit casting a pall over the present. The hate had gone away just like the love had. I was finally free.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Sorry about your parents.  Glad to hear you could move on and not get stuck in a crazy cycle with them.  Some people don't know when to let go, so good for you recognizing the toxicity and living your life for you.

    I've had an up and down relationship with my dad over the years.  He was physically and mentally abusive to us kids growing up.  He's pushing 80 now and has sincerely apologized for his actions.  I've managed to find a happy medium in dealing with him.  It's been good for me.  I have a brother that hasn't spoken to him in a very, very long time.  For him it was toxic and I totally understand my brother's need to stay away.

    take care!
     
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  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from JazzyJtotheILL. Show JazzyJtotheILL's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    I love Yogi and her advice..

    and I loved the art of happiness too...
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from wizen. Show wizen's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    CHC - I am with you on the beauty -
    two of the first things I did when I started going through my divorce was to join the MFA - and to schedule a regular massage - two very nice peaceful rituals grounded in self-care.  Both were priceless.  :)
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from yogafriend. Show yogafriend's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    In Response to Re: Advise: Processing the loss:
    [QUOTE]I love Yogi and her advice.. and I loved the art of happiness too...
    Posted by JazzyJtotheILL[/QUOTE]

    So nice of you Jazzy, and I luv you, too.  We seem to be in sync a lot!  So happy you like and have learned from the wisdom in that book.  We also have a mutual love for indoor cycling / spinning classes!   

    We're all different, there's no telling what JD will put in his "blender" to come up with the right combination that will work for him, but it sure is nice to see all of the feedback, suggestions and caring. 
    Smile
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from HipHepcat. Show HipHepcat's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    Hey Yogagirl, I must say I really liked what you had to say too:)

    And CHC, when people ask my religious beliefs, my answer is almost always:

    "The mountain top is my church"

    I can't get any closer to 'god' than that.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from MsWoman. Show MsWoman's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    JD, I wish you all the best.  I've always thought of you as sincere, reflective, honest and compassionate  - and this will make all the difference in the world to your kids.  You're doing a fine job.
    For what it's worth I, I've always believed that indifference is truly the opposite of love/hate. 
     
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