Advise: Processing the loss

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from redwolf68. Show redwolf68's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    JD - all I'll add is this:

    In the words of Dan Savage, "It gets better."  Granted, he's talking about a different situation, but it still fits.  I've been married 6 years, no plans on getting divorced, but I've seen how messy it gets (depending on the couple in question, of course), and you have my sympathies.  Stay strong, bro.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from jdrotten. Show jdrotten's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    yogafriend:  thanks so much...you're a good friend.  You are obviously a kind, sincere person with a warm soul.  I appreciate your advise.  I'll have to check out that book. 

    Hopefully my new path doesn't take me straight to hell...haha.  I'm kidding of course. :-)

    So much great advise to filter.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from jdrotten. Show jdrotten's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    CHC wrote:
    JD -

    You can find spirtuality in many places:
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    You are so right, just never looked at it that way.  I guess it's part of living in the moment.  Appreciating now.   Stopping to smell the roses, as it were.

    Thanks for that, you're a wonderful, caring person and I consider myself lucky to have you as a friend.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from WalkingTheWalk. Show WalkingTheWalk's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    JD - you are doing all the right things - reaching out to friends, being receptive to advice, and learning from others experiences. From my experience, going through the same thing as you and having two young ones, you have to keep it as real and normal as possible for your children.

    They definitely know there has been a change in all of your lives even if they are very young. I think it's important to let them know how much you love them, let them know you will always be there for them, and try to keep with the normal routines they have become use to in their lives.

    Your always going to have a connection with their Mom so no matter what don't talk bad about her to the little ones. They need to know that Mom and Dad both love them unconditionally.


    I wish you all the best brother and you know you have people here that care about you.



     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from solodad999. Show solodad999's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    JD – I post infrequently, and almost exclusively about divorce and fathering. You sound like you’re doing just fine, and I hardly know what to add, since you really seem to have it covered.

     

        I've been separated almost six years, and officially divorced for two and a half. My therapist told me to expect it to take two or three years to work through the divorce emotions – and he was absolutely right. He also said that people who seem to move on quickly and easily (such as my ex) are merely putting off their day of reckoning, and will pay for it later on, perhaps by repeating their mistakes.

     

        If you are still feeling a little bit like a basket case, I can only say that it will get easier, and you will adjust to the new reality.  I no longer wake up at night with panic attacks, or avoid going home on my alone nights (I have my two kids 50-50). This year, I sailed through both my wedding and divorce anniversaries without even thinking about them.

     

        On your dating situation, I don’t know what to advise. I know a guy who divorced at the same time as me who quickly remarried and became a father again with his new bride. Another has dated a lot but can’t click with anyone. I’ve barely dated at all, so I’m no model of moving on. But I can only suggest taking it slow, making sure that you put your kids first.

     

       Oh, how’s this for advice? Get your divorce finished before making any life-changing commitments with someone new. Does that make sense?

     

        And one more bit of wisdom: The stages of grief are NOT something you go through in order. You bounce around in them, back and forth, till eventually you end up more or less on the other side. Just because you are feeling “acceptance” now, that doesn’t mean you won’t be denying or raging or bargaining next month.

        Good luck, and remember, there's a lot of us out there going through this!

     
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  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from TwoCentDonation. Show TwoCentDonation's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    solodad999 wrote:
    I post infrequently, and almost exclusively about divorce and fathering.

    I originally read this as, "I post... almost exclusively about divorce and far ting."

    And one more bit of wisdom: The stages of grief are NOT something you go through in order. You bounce around in them, back and forth, till eventually you end up more or less on the other side. Just because you are feeling “acceptance” now, that doesn’t mean you won’t be denying or raging or bargaining next month.

    So very, very true!!!!!!  Going through the stages is like a roller coaster ride.  Be sure your seatbelt is fastened and the safety bar is locked.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from Folkenstein. Show Folkenstein's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    So much great feedback here!

    Solodad, your response is right on target.
    It's been twelve years since my separation, 11 since the divorce(initiated by me after a long marriage that started way too young,when neither of us were fully-formed yet)...and I truly feel that it will never be something I've "gotten over", especially with a child(now adult) involved.
    Thankfully we are at a place where we are cordial:infrequent emails to check in on what's up with the *kid* and our elderly parents, while keeping the topics light. It took us a couple years of getting past the worst emotions before we were able to reconnect to be there as parents(when our son had a crisis a few years ago).
    After all, we were together for a long time, and that doesn't just disappear into thin air.


    BTW, I'm remarried now almost 7 years, someone I met post-divorce, so it's in no way a longing for the former partner, but is a recognition of his continued existence in our son's life, I guess, and the need to be civil and grown-up about that.

    Things will happen in the time and space that they are meant to, JD. 


    Wishing all good things for you and for the kids...they have a wonderful Dad!
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from wizen. Show wizen's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    Solodad's comment about not processing the stages of grief in order reminded me about something else - that every loss brings up all previous losses.  So don't be surprised when you get super emotional about things that you've thought you were "over".  Previous losses resurface - usually at the most inopportune times, so expect to be a bit of a mess on many fronts for some time - don't let it throw you and don't think it's abnormal.  It's not. 


     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from johnny1963. Show johnny1963's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    jd great thread - be well and just try to stay steady~!!

    this is most difficult the people here are the best
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from jdrotten. Show jdrotten's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    solodad wrote:

    He also said that people who seem to move on quickly and easily (such as my ex) are merely putting off their day of reckoning, and will pay for it later on, perhaps by repeating their mistakes.

    I'll have to watch out for this, make sure I'm not skipping through anything.

        If you are still feeling a little bit like a basket case, I can only say that it will get easier, and you will adjust to the new reality.  I no longer wake up at night with panic attacks, or avoid going home on my alone nights (I have my two kids 50-50).

    Glad to here you've finally moved on.  I'm down to having that panicky feeling only a few times a week.  'Only' haha

        On your dating situation, I don’t know what to advise. I know a guy who divorced at the same time as me who quickly remarried and became a father again with his new bride. Another has dated a lot but can’t click with anyone. I’ve barely dated at all, so I’m no model of moving on. But I can only suggest taking it slow, making sure that you put your kids first.

    I've managed to click with someone out of the gate.  I consider myself lucky that we have each other to lean on through all this.  It's been a very positive thing in my life.  I need all the positive I can find right now, so I'm going with it.

       Oh, how’s this for advice? Get your divorce finished before making any life-changing commitments with someone new. Does that make sense?

     Absolutely, I'm not making any life changing commitments until after my divorce for sure.

        And one more bit of wisdom: The stages of grief are NOT something you go through in order. You bounce around in them, back and forth, till eventually you end up more or less on the other side. Just because you are feeling “acceptance” now, that doesn’t mean you won’t be denying or raging or bargaining next month.
    Gotcha, I'll keep that in mind.  The finality of the divorce may send me into the various stages again.  That makes a lot of sense.
        Good luck, and remember, there's a lot of us out there going through this!

    Thanks solodad, I appreciate your sharing and advise.  Good luck to you too!
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from jdrotten. Show jdrotten's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    twocent wrote:
    Going through the stages is like a roller coaster ride.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------
    One of my brothers told me last summer that going through a divorce is like a crazy roller coaster that you just have to hold on to for dear life.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from jdrotten. Show jdrotten's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    MsWomen: thanks, I really try to give good positive advise.
    WTW: thanks buddy, I'm very thankful for my love letter friends.  I hope things are going well for you over there.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from solodad999. Show solodad999's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    JD -- I'm glad you found some of that helpful. This morning I thought of some things to add:

       If your separation/divorce is causing you any measure of financial ruin (a reasonable assumption, as it's true for me), then that stress will of course aggravate the emotional difficulties you go through.

       Also, about panic: I used to panic during the night, as I said, but also while grocery shopping, where I would get anxious, depressed, and felt hopelessly inadequate as a parent and provider. And the constant hello and goodbye, as we shuttled the kids back and forth between houses, was excruciating. But, at this point, I'm taking all of those things a lot easier.

       However, I still dread any and all discussions with my ex. And parent-teacher conferences and the kids' sports events, when we both go, are a still nightmare for me.

       
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from jdrotten. Show jdrotten's posts

    Re: Advise: Processing the loss

    solodad wrote:
    Also, about panic: I used to panic during the night, as I said, but also while grocery shopping, where I would get anxious, depressed, and felt hopelessly inadequate as a parent and provider. And the constant hello and goodbye, as we shuttled the kids back and forth between houses, was excruciating. But, at this point, I'm taking all of those things a lot easier.
    _________________________________________________________________________
    It always seems to hit me in the morning, usually before work.  I've found that getting to work and getting busy really helps.

    Yea, the shuttling the kids back and forth is hard.  It's hard on the kids.  I've just tried to make my apartment as comfortable and homey for them as I can.  A place where they can relax and feel safe.  My kids actually helped me pick out the apartment back when I was looking last summer.

    Sorry sporting events are still so hard on you when she is there.  Hopefully with time that will get easier for you.  I wouldn't say seeing my ex is a nightmare, but it's certainly uncomfortable and awkward.  I just try to ask her how things are going with this and that, she never asks how I'm doing or anything in return though.  I've learned to live with that.

    And yes, financially it's going to take a while to recover, as expected.  It's definitely a stressor.  I've got a lot of years between me and retirement, so I've got time to bounce back.  I guess once the divorce is final and everything is signed and I know for sure where I stand, I'll feel better.  It's the not-knowing that can be hard.

    Sounds like we've got lots in common.  Take care my friend.
     
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