Cheat or not to cheat

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from The Guinevere. Show The Guinevere's posts

    Cheat or not to cheat

    Before the pitchfork clan comes out, I know cheating is wrong. There really is no justification for it aside from the selfishness. That said, I have been in a relationship with a man for over 5 years,  that is wonderful, I love him dearly.  But, our sex life is horrible. When I say horrible, I mean, unless it's oral, he cannot climax. It is definitely his issue, but he will not do anything about it, because he still gets off a few times a week (yes, most times he reciprocates). I did stop for a while, hoping he would get the hint, it did not phase him. He is 50 and I am in my early 40's. Aside from the sex our relationship really is fantastic, so I am contemplating having that particular need met by someone else. I am a very sexual person and I need that physical desire met. Oral is great, toys are great, but they only go so far. We have talked about this, and I am sympathetic to his feelings and understand that it is a physical thing and do not take it personally. But at the same time, he will not discuss with his doctor to try and remedy it. 

    Has anyone ever been in this situation? Any suggestions from the men as to how to approach this in a non-awkward, emasucating way?
     
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  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from -kaptainfriday-. Show -kaptainfriday-'s posts

    Re: Cheat or not to cheat

    Um,...

    HOWDY.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from ThatJneenGrrl. Show ThatJneenGrrl's posts

    Re: Cheat or not to cheat

    Wait, I'm confused.

    Does he DO other stuff, but can't get there any other way?

    Or does he not do other stuff?

    I suppose it doesn't matter.  If you are unsatisfied, you guys either need to have a talk about opening this thing up, or you need to figure out whether to end it or stay.

    No skulking around, though.  That's not an option.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from EnjoyEverySandwich. Show EnjoyEverySandwich's posts

    Re: Cheat or not to cheat


    I had a relationship like this long ago.  The guy was so great in so many ways, but our sex life was deflating.   It's not just that it's not satisfying physically, it's tough on the ego that your guy can't see to get there with you.  Over time, it really eats at your self esteem.  (I feel like I'm putting in way too many unintentional double entendres here.)


    In my case, I broke up with him, as it was not something I thought I could live with.  (And, oddly enough, I met the love of my life shortly after.)  I'm impressed that you've hung in there for five years.

    I wish I had advice for you -- it's really between the two of you, and it doesn't sound like you want to leave him (completely).  Does he know you are thinking of getting satisfaction elsewhere?  Maybe he doesn't know how dire the situation is?






     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from The Guinevere. Show The Guinevere's posts

    Re: Cheat or not to cheat

    That is the issue, he cannot maintain during normal sex, but can during oral. I have no idea why that is, and wish he would discuss this with his doctor. According to him, he hasn't masturbated in a long time. Honestly, I don't think there is a need since he is satisfied a few times a week. He could be lying, I guess, but I don't think he is.

    He does do other things to satisfy me, but the toys are getting boring. Sometimes you just want a sweaty, steamy romp in the hay. He is unable to do that. I certainly do not sulk, as I said, our relationship is wonderful otherwise. I am sure at some point, my sex drive may dwindle and this will be a non issue. It just happens to be an issue now. I have tried to make the best of it for the past 5 years. 
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Cheat or not to cheat

    I agree, it is emotional, not physical because he is physically able get there.  Something about intercourse shuts him down emotionally first, then that cascades to a physical problem.  His MD isn't the way to go, but a sex therapist might be, though.  If he isn't willing to explore and remedy the emotional problem leading to not being able to climax by intercourse I'd say he's not the man for you because if you cheat just to get this need met, he'll resent it and the original emotional problem will get that much worse and you'll break up, anyway.  Might as well break up while your integrity is still in tact.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from EnjoyEverySandwich. Show EnjoyEverySandwich's posts

    Re: Cheat or not to cheat


    I'm impressed by your resilience.  You must have a strong sense of self to have accepted this for so long -- I'm assuming this has been the status quo during your whole relationship?

     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from ThatJneenGrrl. Show ThatJneenGrrl's posts

    Re: Cheat or not to cheat

     I certainly do not sulk, as I said, our relationship is wonderful otherwise.

    ~~~~

    Guin, I didn't mean "sulk", I meant "skulk"...like sneak around.

    Cheating is never an option.  Either have a frank discussion about your need to experience this with someone else, or end it. 

    Or continue to live with it as is.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from The Guinevere. Show The Guinevere's posts

    Re: Cheat or not to cheat

    Interesting point, I assumed it was physical as did he. Something about tightness (not that I am a wide girl!!) and the physical sensation of the mouth as opposed the other orphus.

    This has been the status quo for pretty much the entire relationship. It did not seem as important the first couple of years because we were creative. But now that creativity has become the norm and quite frankly I am bored with it.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from Snarky Snarky Mark. Show Snarky Snarky Mark's posts

    Re: Cheat or not to cheat

    Look on the bright side. Apparently you give good hummers.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from Seebell. Show Seebell's posts

    Re: Cheat or not to cheat

    Put on RING ON IT.
    You know those rubbery-plastic rings that goe around his johnson.....
    Comes in all sizes....
    When he inflates - the ring tightens.....

     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from Seebell. Show Seebell's posts

    Re: Cheat or not to cheat

    OR sounds like the guy wants 'REAR ENTRY'.
    I wonder if he's gay?
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from McFriendZone. Show McFriendZone's posts

    Re: Cheat or not to cheat

    The Guinevere - he may have what is known on reddit as "death grip syndrome".  If he can't achieve the big O without a lot of stimulation, he needs to retrain himself to different sensations.  I would ask him about his, eh-hem, self pleasuring habits and ask him to change those habits.  It will be challenging to do but definitely doable.  www.reddit.com/r/sex

     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from McFriendZone. Show McFriendZone's posts

    Re: Cheat or not to cheat

    I apologize for not seeing your statement about his masturbatory habits...but my "death grip syndrome" item is still fitting.  You've trained him to only be able to get his cookies via oral...I think the two of you need to take an intimacy sabbatical for a month and let him build up for a bit.  After a month, he'll be ready to go and might be more sensetive to PIV intercourse.  This is really about breaking the cycle and retraining the nerve endings to different sensations and most likely psychological on his end.  Maybe's it's performance anxiety tied in there as well as others have noted.  He's freaked out about not getting you your cookies and then the air goes out of the balloon so to speak

     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from The Guinevere. Show The Guinevere's posts

    Re: Cheat or not to cheat

    Thank you McFriendZone, that made me chuckle a bit! I have tried taking a break from any kind of intimacy, it just did not work, literately! When we have tried regular intercourse, it just feels like some awkward high school moment, where he is trying so hard, and then it just flops. I feel bad because I know he is trying, but I don't want to make his feel worse than he probably already does. I just do not understand why he will not broach this with his doctor. That is why I am at the point of just getting that somewhere else. 
     
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  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from Inter-Planet. Show Inter-Planet's posts

    Re: Cheat or not to cheat

    Once again, women really are in the dark about what lurks inside of men.
    Posted by Moco Mauricio

    Yeah.....but if they don't know.....you can never really explain it to them.
    Posted by Gee-off

    Moco and Gee-off please enlighten us.
     
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  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from two-sheds. Show two-sheds's posts

    Re: Cheat or not to cheat

    I know this is tough on you, but I bet it's also tough on him.  Try to go to a therapist with him.  There may be some excercises you can do together to help him improve his staying power. 

    He very well might take the approach that he is what he is, and if that's not good enough, tough.  At which point it's up to you to leave or accept this.  Cheating is not the right option.

    If you think you can have an open relationship, then that is an option.  However, be realistic about what you two need in a relationship to be happy.  Open relationships aren't for everyone. 
     

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