Could use some friendship advice

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from JazzyJtotheILL. Show JazzyJtotheILL's posts

    Could use some friendship advice

    hey team... brunette, blonde, Wrongy, nobody... whatever you're on..

    I have a question that I'm sort of struggling with... it's a wedding/friend question but thought I'd throw it out here...

    Below is one of the reasons I protested having a wedding in the first place ...I hate this crap.

    So.. when it came time to pick my wedding party, I had ONE friend I wanted...my fiance had one friend he wanted.

    I have a million girls I love and could see in the wedding but none that I was dying to have stand up with me... IDK, when it comes down to it, I'm more of a loner and I feel like my friends don't really know me anyway.

    So - my mom FREAKED out that I didn't ask my brothers to be in the wedding... after a long battle I decided to give in and just ask them.. one gladly accepted the other obligingly. That meant that my fiance now had to has his brother (they aren't close).. that means he now has four people on his side.. I have one.

    I'm sort of anal when it comes to things needing to be symmetric... so I asked three other friends that I love to stand up with me..

    1. I reconnected with on the train two year ago and we are like two peas in a pod (lucky her lol)
    2. Is a long time friend I see maybe once every 3 years but I love her to death
    3. Is my sister in law (again, this was a huge fit that I was asking one and not the other ..blah blah blah)

    So I meet up with friend 1 one night and she tells me another one of our childhood friends is dying for me to ask her to be in my wedding (I hadn't asked #1 yet )... ???? so the two of them are talking about who's gonna be in my wedding before I even know who is?? So now I feel obliged to ask number 4.

    I do... 

    4. Neighbor from across the street growing up, also reconnected on the train but she blows me off anytime I ask to meet up..??

    so... Now fiance has to find an extra person on his side because I'm 5 and he's 4. JESUS CHRIST.

    Anyway...

    It's been 3 months since I've asked these friends to be in my wedding (2 of which wanted to be) and I haven't heard from any of them.. (my sister in law if I call my brother).

    I don't really need help with anything today but I feel extremely uncomfortable asking them to look at bridesmaid dresses... to give me their opinions on the wedding... or anything to do with it..because I feel like they don't care. 


    IDK.. I'm feeling really lonely and I don't know how to approach the subject. It's one of the reasons I didn't want anyone in the wedding in the first place. I just prefer to do my own thing but now I'm "supposed" to be doing it with others??

    The friends I've met on here (two in particular) want to hang out more than the friends I asked to be in my wedding for god's sake... my coworkers want to take me out to do wedding crap?? not my friends..

    Idk.. am I blowing this up ?
    It might just be me being me.. but how do I confront this issue without being my normal bullish self and tell them I am hurt that no one has contacted me and anytime I reach out to them they blow me off or find some reason not to meet up.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from JazzyJtotheILL. Show JazzyJtotheILL's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    wow that was long.. lol
     
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  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from diamondgirl. Show diamondgirl's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    Okay.... your maid of honor is the one who should be organizing most bridesmaidy type things.  If you haven't assigned a maid of honor, your maids will be all unsure of who is to do what.  So make sure one of them knows she is in charge.

    Bridesmaids' dresses are basically the only thing that you have to tell them to do.  I have gotten emails from brides that basically say;

    Ladies, I am so glad you all were willing to share the fun, etc. - I have decided I may want your dresses to be (model #2929 from whatever store, or black cocktail dresses, or anything you want as long as it is David's Bridal in Candy Apple Red, or whatever).  Let's plan a date to go to (store) and try them out.

    Then ask them to go bridesmaid dress shopping with you.  Everyone gets to try them on, and you find out that Jess looks ugly in blue, or Becky cries because she looks horrible in strapless or whatever, and you can negotiate around until you find a color you like that doesn't make them look sallow and doesn't cost $3,000,000.  Unless you secretly hate them.

    Order them up; they pay for their dress, unless you are feeling super flush.  Make sure they have enough time to get them altered; my sister had a bridesmaid dragging three inches of hem.

    I only had my sister and my cousin, which was pretty manageable.  I just got them pink - well, they are in my FB profile.  It was a color that looked pretty on both of them.

    So toss out the email to them, and remember - You Are The Bride.  It is not Bridezilla-ey to make decisions.  They expect you to make the decisions.

    Now go out there and get dresses!
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from netsr. Show netsr's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    Ok, here are some thoughts...

    1.  You could make a day of it.  Invite them to have lunch or whatever and then stop at a couple places to look at / pick out dresses.  Try not to make it a big deal, just a fun day of hanging out.  They will inevitably ask about all the details of the wedding, which is when you could bring up anything you'd like to.

    2.  Don't have them pick out bridesmaid dresses; instead, have them wear whatever they would like.  I'm sure they'd appreciate it - and then it won't be another stressful situation for you.

    Either way, if you have expectations for them as bridesmaids, tell them.  If you feel like they should be doing something to help, but aren't, they can't read your mind - you will have to come out and ask.  And if it's within reason, I'm sure they'll be happy to help; when it comes to weddings, people usually are.  So, try not too feel too awkward about it and just put it out there... I read the LL comments enough and know you should be able to do that with no problem!

    Good luck.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from JazzyJtotheILL. Show JazzyJtotheILL's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    In Response to Re: Could use some friendship advice:
    Oh My. Let's start with the easy one: Tell one of your bridesmaid's that your fiance only has 4 groomsmen and you want a matched set and then ask that person to participate in the wedding in some other way (one friend I know had friends do readings ... but then included that person at the head table and in all the pre-wedding festivities) As for the other part: Start small, start casual.  Ask them to come shopping with you for your wedding gown and for their brides maid dresses This is going to sound harsh - but lose the attitude about what they are doing for you.  A wedding is your day on the day ... but all of the details heading up to it are yours to manage.  They take a cue from you regarding what you want to include them in
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick


    the first part is a good idea... especially since one of them is getting married two weeks before me and she and I have already tossed around the idea of not being in each other's wedding.. but then she said she wanted to be. So maybe I just ask her if we do something else for each other. Shoulder to complain on? lol

    As for the attitude of what they need to do for me.. its quite the opposite actually... I don't think they NEED to do anything but I AM hurt that they wanted to be in it and I haven't heard a word from any of them...

    I guess maybe the real question is - how do you tell your friends you're hurt that they don't reach out to you?

    I am petrified to ask them to do things WITH me that are wedding related because I question if they REALLY want to? Does that make sense? lol
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from jkjband. Show jkjband's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    It's probably too late now, but when I got married we had a unbalanced number of people in the wedding party (1 more usher than bridesmaid) what we wound up doing was to give a reading to the extra guy.... It worked out well he had an important part of the wedding and got to take part of all that went on, while keeping the alter balanced
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from LWhitt58. Show LWhitt58's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    Jazzy - I'll post something that could be controversial, but this is YOUR wedding.  I'll go out on a limb that you and Mr. Jazzy are paying for the majority of it? 

    If so, and if you would really prefer a much smaller wedding, you could use cost as a factor to ask to winnow down the number of bridal and groom attendants on either side.  Have those who are not standing up for you recite a special passage or poem at the wedding ceremony, so they are still involved.

    Your mom might have freaked out that your brothers weren't going to be "in" the wedding, but they could still be "in" the wedding if they gave a toast, recited something.  I have to believe most guys wouldn't care much about being "in" the wedding per se.  It's your Mom that freaked out - not your brothers, right?

    And if your parents *are* paying for the majority of it...well, sorry - I gotz nothing for you.  :-/

    If the attendants remain the same, I agree with DG - just ask them to go with you, and have an idea of what you'd like (go online and see what's out there).  It *is* your wedding - your choice of the colors, and the style of dress you want for your attendants - which hopefully looks good on all.  They are waiting for a cue from you.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from JazzyJtotheILL. Show JazzyJtotheILL's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    In Response to Re: Could use some friendship advice:
    Ok, here are some thoughts... 1.  You could make a day of it.  Invite them to have lunch or whatever and then stop at a couple places to look at / pick out dresses.  Try not to make it a big deal, just a fun day of hanging out.  They will inevitably ask about all the details of the wedding, which is when you could bring up anything you'd like to. 2.  Don't have them pick out bridesmaid dresses; instead, have them wear whatever they would like.  I'm sure they'd appreciate it - and then it won't be another stressful situation for you. Either way, if you have expectations for them as bridesmaids, tell them.  If you feel like they should be doing something to help, but aren't, they can't read your mind - you will have to come out and ask.  And if it's within reason, I'm sure they'll be happy to help; when it comes to weddings, people usually are.  So, try not too feel too awkward about it and just put it out there... I read the LL comments enough and know you should be able to do that with no problem! Good luck.
    Posted by netsr


    haha thanks.. yeah.. I think I worded my question wrong up there.. It's less of a what they SHOULD be doing and more of a " i wish they'd call me just to say hi " since they are going to be part of such a big day of my life? lol.. and you're right, you'd think I'd have no problem being upfront but I think LL has given me a complex about how to approach my friends... and I'm realizing I'm doing things all wrong.. and now I just don't know where to start.. but those are great ideas.. I did have one lunch day.. I bought everyone lunch and drinks so I could introduce them all to each other..

    thank you

    I guess I just have to take it day by day, person by person... and
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from Honeyes. Show Honeyes's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    Personally Jazzylicious- I think your day should be just that, your day. It'd not about hurt feelings etc it should be about who you want to be up there with you sharing your special day. You shouldn't feel obligated to ask ANYONE that you don't really want to be there with you.

    And I disagree with the majority here- for people that wanted to badly to be in the wedding you would think that they would be contacting you and asking what you have planned or how everything is going etc. maybe they don't have to help plan but if they wanted to be a part of it wouldn't that count as trying to help as well??

    I do agree that typically the maid of honor does the bachelorette party and most of the other weddingy (spelled wrong) planning but you would think they would at least be interested in the dresses for hecks sake :-)

    At the end of the day though Jazz- This is your journey and your special day, and about you and Matt, no one else. DO what's going to make you happy even if that means kicking everyone out of the wedding and doing it Vegas style lol.
     
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  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from JazzyJtotheILL. Show JazzyJtotheILL's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    In Response to Re: Could use some friendship advice:
    Okay.... your maid of honor is the one who should be organizing most bridesmaidy type things.  If you haven't assigned a maid of honor, your maids will be all unsure of who is to do what.  So make sure one of them knows she is in charge. Bridesmaids' dresses are basically the only thing that you have to tell them to do.  I have gotten emails from brides that basically say; Ladies, I am so glad you all were willing to share the fun, etc. - I have decided I may want your dresses to be (model #2929 from whatever store, or black cocktail dresses, or anything you want as long as it is David's Bridal in Candy Apple Red, or whatever).  Let's plan a date to go to (store) and try them out. Then ask them to go bridesmaid dress shopping with you.  Everyone gets to try them on, and you find out that Jess looks ugly in blue, or Becky cries because she looks horrible in strapless or whatever, and you can negotiate around until you find a color you like that doesn't make them look sallow and doesn't cost $3,000,000.  Unless you secretly hate them. Order them up; they pay for their dress, unless you are feeling super flush.  Make sure they have enough time to get them altered; my sister had a bridesmaid dragging three inches of hem. I only had my sister and my cousin, which was pretty manageable.  I just got them pink - well, they are in my FB profile.  It was a color that looked pretty on both of them. So toss out the email to them, and remember - You Are The Bride.  It is not Bridezilla-ey to make decisions.  They expect you to make the decisions. Now go out there and get dresses!
    Posted by diamondgirl


    hahahah I don't secretly hate them.. I fear they secretly hate me LOL... I guess I just feel like I'm annoying the ish out of people lately and I'm afraid of what their reactions will be when I do ask them to come with me... god I'm ridiculous hahaha..

    You're right though DG.. they are probably waiting for me to start shouting orders LOL...
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from JazzyJtotheILL. Show JazzyJtotheILL's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    In Response to Re: Could use some friendship advice:
    Jazzy - I'll post something that could be controversial, but this is YOUR wedding .  I'll go out on a limb that you and Mr. Jazzy are paying for the majority of it?  If so, and if you would really prefer a much smaller wedding, you could use cost as a factor to ask to winnow down the number of bridal and groom attendants on either side.  Have those who are not standing up for you recite a special passage or poem at the wedding ceremony, so they are still involved. Your mom might have freaked out that your brothers weren't going to be "in" the wedding, but they could still be "in" the wedding if they gave a toast, recited something.  I have to believe most guys wouldn't care much about being "in" the wedding per se.  It's your Mom that freaked out - not your brothers, right? And if your parents *are* paying for the majority of it...well, sorry - I gotz nothing for you.  :-/ If the attendants remain the same, I agree with DG - just ask them to go with you, and have an idea of what you'd like (go online and see what's out there).  It *is* your wedding - your choice of the colors, and the style of dress you want for your attendants - which hopefully looks good on all.  They are waiting for a cue from you.
    Posted by LWhitt58


    yeah it's all Mr.Jazz and I... which was one of the sources of contention with my parents and I... my brothers could(n't?) care less if they are IN it or not.. but my mom took it so personally.. I'm just going to leave it at this point so as not to cause friction again... my mom and I typically get along great, for her to be upset with me about anything is a big deal.. so this is clearly a big deal for her.. oh well.. you win some you lose some. lol
     
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  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from JazzyJtotheILL. Show JazzyJtotheILL's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    In Response to Re: Could use some friendship advice:
    Personally Jazzylicious- I think your day should be just that, your day. It'd not about hurt feelings etc it should be about who you want to be up there with you sharing your special day. You shouldn't feel obligated to ask ANYONE that you don't really want to be there with you. And I disagree with the majority here- for people that wanted to badly to be in the wedding you would think that they would be contacting you and asking what you have planned or how everything is going etc. maybe they don't have to help plan but if they wanted to be a part of it wouldn't that count as trying to help as well?? I do agree that typically the maid of honor does the bachelorette party and most of the other weddingy (spelled wrong) planning but you would think they would at least be interested in the dresses for hecks sake :-) At the end of the day though Jazz- This is your journey and your special day, and about you and Matt, no one else. DO what's going to make you happy even if that means kicking everyone out of the wedding and doing it Vegas style lol.
    Posted by Honeyes


    I love you :) wanna be in my wedding? lol

    this line "for people that wanted to badly to be in the wedding you would think that they would be contacting you and asking what you have planned or how everything is going etc. maybe they don't have to help plan but if they wanted to be a part of it wouldn't that count as trying to help as well?? "

    Is maybe where I'm caught up... two of them basically asked me (indirectly but sure) and the other said she still wanted to when I asked if she was sure... yet I haven't heard from them..

    so yeah.. I've pinned it down..

    I just want them to want to call me/hang/talk.... lol

     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from JeepersCripes. Show JeepersCripes's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    lol- and THIS is why guy and I are getting married at city hall....with just the two people that were there when we met.

    Listen- i know we have had this debate about weddings and etiquette and all on the blog before, but at the end of the day, the wedding is between you and your fiance. I would send out an e-mail telling them you need an answer by such and such date if they want to be part of your wedding. Let them know that if they dont (due to money, travel, snow storm etc....) that you completely understand and hope that they would still be able to attend the wedding. Then pick your maid of honor ( if you havent all ready) and get the party started. Sit down with her first and discuss what your expectations of her are, where you would need the most help, what you dont need help on, what kind of bridesmaid dresses you would like to see, and what you definitely DONT want to see,  etc....then its up to her to gather the troops and start looking at dresses.

    enjoy!
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from LWhitt58. Show LWhitt58's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    Honeyes wrote "DO what's going to make you happy even if that means kicking everyone out of the wedding and doing it Vegas style lol."


    BINGO.  That's exactly what my sister and BIL did....and it was the BEST wedding!  My sister, BIL, me, my brother, and one of my BIL's sisters and his cousin and cousin's girlfriend (now wife).  SEVEN of us total.  We had a blast.

    They ended up having to go to a lunchtime party at some restaurant down on the water in Boston that her in-laws arranged because they wouldn't fly to Vegas.  But they didn't want a big to-do - THEY chose Vegas because it's what they wanted to do.  Anyone who wanted to go - family, friends, whoever - also went.

    But I know family dynamics can be different, so what she did might not fly with your families.

    Good luck to you.  Always tough dealing with the varied personalities and crazies that crop up at wedding time.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from LWhitt58. Show LWhitt58's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    In Response to Re: Could use some friendship advice:
    In Response to Re: Could use some friendship advice : yeah it's all Mr.Jazz and I... which was one of the sources of contention with my parents and I... my brothers could(n't?) care less if they are IN it or not.. but my mom took it so personally.. I'm just going to leave it at this point so as not to cause friction again... my mom and I typically get along great, for her to be upset with me about anything is a big deal.. so this is clearly a big deal for her.. oh well.. you win some you lose some. lol
    Posted by JazzyJtotheILL



    Hugs to you girl.   The only other thing I can think of is your brothers convincing her that they don't want to be in the wedding, AND that you're fine with that!  LOL
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from JazzyJtotheILL. Show JazzyJtotheILL's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    thanks everyone..

    and WRongy I love your advice... at this point, like I told LWhitt, I'm not sure changing the brothers thing is going to fly with ma dukes...

    I guess I just need to work on my communication skills and figure out how to manage friendships :(

    its different when your in a relationship.. you have something solid (even if it's sex) to offer the person your with... friendships... IDK.. that's where I feel like I'm lacking.. what do I have to offer? and so when I want to ask for something.. I am left instead saying "why do I deserve to ask this and why would they want to when I've got nothing in return??"
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    Hmmmm...tough to give answers, because it doesn't seem like you really know the question Foot in mouth

    If you're simply hurt they haven't reached out - well, you even explained that these friends are kind of inconsistent with keeping in touch. I would try to keep that in mind while figuring out how to broach the subject with them.

    If you're hurt because you extended them the honor to be in your wedding and they're not being proactive about it, you can take that 1 of 2 ways. They're either flattered by the invitation, but aren't actually that thrilled to be taking part OR more reasonably, they're waiting for you to make the next moves.

    Don't forget, wedding asides, these are people you consider your friends. Dear enough friends to include in one of your happiest days in the forest. I'd send each of them a little note saying that while you hadn't heard from anybody, the wedding business is a serious one and it's time to put some activities in motion. If you're scared that they don't genuinely want to be a part of it, offer them an out. Say maybe something like, I know weddings are nuts and there ends up being a lot of cost and burden on you, so I completely understand if you'd rather be a guest in attendance than running around like crazy with me.

    I wouldn't do a group thing. There are few enough of them that you can speak personally and then reevaluate from there. Don't hesitate to pick up the phone either. Emails can go into spam, Facebook can remain unchecked for weeks.

    If anyone opts out, you won't even have to worry about balancing out the other side. If you remain with 5 maids in waiting - then, uh, I'm sure fiance could track down a long lost cousin or something.

    The burden on groomsmen is far less than that for the ladies. They get to do all the fun stuff. Haha!

    It's supposed to be crazy planning a wedding. Look to make sure you've got the stone of reason to keep you grounded. Don't be afraid to act business, because there are deadlines and cost involved, but have as much fun as possible :-)

    Oh, and when you feel yourself getting stressed out, stop and have a breather. And maybe a glass of wine.

     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from Honeyes. Show Honeyes's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    IDK Jazzers- you seem to have some pretty high expectations, could I handle them lol.

    No but seriously, I would be feeling the same way. It's not about them not necessarily helping but more about the fact that they so badly wanted to be a part and are now acting indifferent.

    Personally if I ever get married I would want the people that are standing up there with me to be just excited about that day as I am. Otherwise what's the point. So many people say yes to being in wedding and then b*tch the whole time because they really don't want to be a part of it but say yes to be nice but in your case every single one of the people you asked wanted to be there so they should be acting like it.

    And I'm with jeeps. Like I said yesterday I am either going to Vegas or Town Hall. F all of the stress lol.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    Who cares about the dresses? Seriously.
    Jazzy, what are your bridesmaids wearing for SHOES? ;-)

     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from jdrotten. Show jdrotten's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    Guess I'm on team 'nobody' lol

    You can please some people, some of the time, but you can't please everyone all the time.

    With a large wedding, you just aren't going to please everyone.  You have to figure out what you and your fiance want.  Stick to it, and don't get railroaded by outside influences.

    My ex and I eloped to avoid the whole thing.  Some people were happy about it, and some weren't.  The one's that were unhappy, got over it.  It's you and your fiance's day.  Make it everything you both want.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from diamondgirl. Show diamondgirl's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    They may be waiting for direction....once you go out together a couple of times as a gang, you may get more response?  And they may feel comfier calling you and chatting with you?  It seems that you have a good bond with them, but they are not necessarily friendships that are frequently maintained.  So they may think of the silence as normal?
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    I don't know, I have to say, I think the concession to Ma Dukes was good...

    Marriage is about 2 people, but the wedding - well it is about everyone there too. You definitely can't make everyone happy, but some things are very important to some people, and I think it was awesome of you to be concerned with your mother's wishes. You are her only daughter.

    You're not just merging 2 people, you're creating a whole, big family... so I can see how it was important for your mom to see your brothers included.

    I DO believe the remainder should be the way you want it though. It is YOUR day. If we were talking before you agreed, I might have something different to say. At this point, though, it's about managing the current issues, not creating more.
     
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