Could use some friendship advice

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    Diamond's right, though. Once you establish that everyone is indeed interested... First, schedule a get together so everyone knows everyone and you can all talk about expectations.

    You might see a difference in attitude once people feel "inducted" (so to speak) in your wedding party.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from LWhitt58. Show LWhitt58's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    Dimmy wrote "I DO believe the remainder should be the way you want it though. It is YOUR day. If we were talking before you agreed, I might have something different to say. At this point, though, it's about managing the current issues, not creating more."

    Yes.  Absolutely agree with that.  If the query had been before all was said and done with attendants, I would push harder to have Jazzy do this the way *she* wants.  But - it's been said and it's done.  So, now it's time to manage the rest of the expectations.


    and "First, schedule a get together so everyone knows everyone and you can all talk about expectations.

    You might see a difference in attitude once people feel "inducted" (so to speak) in your wedding party.
    "


    And yes again.  :-)
     
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  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    In Response to Re: Could use some friendship advice:
    And yesterday people were getting on me because I said that maybe some guys are afraid to get married because they have to deal with the "wedding", or at least the thought of putting one together. This is a nightmare!
    Posted by WrongestWay


    Jazzy's a pro with nightmares.
    If she can handle sharks swimming around her bedroom floor, this should be easy peasy mac & cheesey

    LW58 ;-)
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from JazzyJtotheILL. Show JazzyJtotheILL's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    In Response to Re: Could use some friendship advice:
    Hmmmm...tough to give answers, because it doesn't seem like you really know the question If you're simply hurt they haven't reached out - well, you even explained that these friends are kind of inconsistent with keeping in touch. I would try to keep that in mind while figuring out how to broach the subject with them. If you're hurt because you extended them the honor to be in your wedding and they're not being proactive about it, you can take that 1 of 2 ways. They're either flattered by the invitation, but aren't actually that thrilled to be taking part OR more reasonably, they're waiting for you to make the next moves. Don't forget, wedding asides, these are people you consider your friends. Dear enough friends to include in one of your happiest days in the forest. I'd send each of them a little note saying that while you hadn't heard from anybody, the wedding business is a serious one and it's time to put some activities in motion. If you're scared that they don't genuinely want to be a part of it, offer them an out. Say maybe something like, I know weddings are nuts and there ends up being a lot of cost and burden on you, so I completely understand if you'd rather be a guest in attendance than running around like crazy with me. I wouldn't do a group thing. There are few enough of them that you can speak personally and then reevaluate from there. Don't hesitate to pick up the phone either. Emails can go into spam, Facebook can remain unchecked for weeks. If anyone opts out, you won't even have to worry about balancing out the other side. If you remain with 5 maids in waiting - then, uh, I'm sure fiance could track down a long lost cousin or something. The burden on groomsmen is far less than that for the ladies. They get to do all the fun stuff. Haha! It's supposed to be crazy planning a wedding. Look to make sure you've got the stone of reason to keep you grounded. Don't be afraid to act business, because there are deadlines and cost involved, but have as much fun as possible :-) Oh, and when you feel yourself getting stressed out, stop and have a breather. And maybe a glass of wine.
    Posted by ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink


    Thanks Dim.. I think you see where I'm coming from. You're right, they are friends outside of the wedding crap.. I don't like people feeling obligated and I don't want THEM to feel uncomfortable...

    these are all good suggestions. I worry way too much about other people and need to be confident that if they asked to be in the wedding, then clearly they want to. I keep thinking how one friend is BROKE, the other is getting married just before me and another just has her own issues... but if that's what they want to do, then I should feel confident they are making the right choices for them.

    :)
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from bzorn22. Show bzorn22's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    I know this isn't going to help but ...

    Take your one bridesmaid, your best man maybe your Mom and all the money you are going to spend on this and get thee to Hawaii. It will be something you will always remember and you will have a ball without the pre-marriage nonsense which has been clinically shown to be the leading cause of ulcers in this country. OK I made that part up but ya know what I mean.

    Mazel Tov

     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from PowerCord. Show PowerCord's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    This is easy.

    Ask Dimmy.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from EnjoyEverySandwich. Show EnjoyEverySandwich's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice


    Maybe your brothers should be on your side of the wedding party, Jazzy.

    For my wedding, my side had 2 bridesmaids and one "man of honor", and my husband's side had 2 men and his then 9-year-old daughter.

    Toughest problem was the photographer who kept insisting on photographing the traditional gender-line groups, but since he also did the photos the way we wanted them, it was fine.

    Just a thought.

    I hear ya about absent friends from the planning process.  I didn't have family where I was living at the time, and a lot of the fun things I imagined -- going with friends to try on ridiculous poofy gowns, for ex. -- I did alone (and ended up only trying on one dress).   I know some of that stuff maybe is just in the movies, but there were really no fun planning moments for my wedding, which seems a shame.  But enough about me........ 8^)

     
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  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from soxygirl123. Show soxygirl123's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    jazzy-
    I wish you had stuck to your guns in the first place -- nobody should guilt you into anything on your big day (mom's & random friends from the train included) -- it should be just how you want it, but what's done is done. i totally don't think you need to have the same number of men & women stand up for you. So one guy walks w/ 2 girls or vice-versa, who cares... YOU"RE GETTING MARRIED!!! don't sweat the small stuff.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from wizen. Show wizen's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    Tongue outJazzy,
    Do your wedding the way you want.  While that doesn't mean become bridezilla, it does mean that if you compromise away the things you want one by one, soon you are having somebody else's wedding starring you on your day, and you'll end up feeling resentful, frustrated, angry and stuck - which is no way to feel on your wedding day. 

    What you could have done is assign your brothers as ushers and have them bring up the gifts or do a reading, or whatever ceremonial functions your worship service allows.  I'll assume they're too old for ring bearer and flower boy.  ;)

    Now that you do have the crew assembled - if they said yes when you asked them to be in your wedding, it's their own damn fault.   It's up to you to play camp counselor and head up the pack.  Whichever is your maid/matron of honor is the bad cop.  You can be as rigid as you want.  When I got married I had one attendant - I told her the church was robin's egg blue and I was wearing ivory, don't clash.  (I was pretty sure she wouldn't show up in a Rockette's outfit with a feather headdress.) 

    Look at it this way - anyone who can't make the shopping trip is opting out of being in the wedding party - unless they make other arrangements.  So you have 5 or 6 now - you may be back down to 3 before you know it!  Just don't add any more!!! 

    And, if it's Mom's fault you have so many attendants now, you can make her go along on the shopping trip.  Unless that will be more punishment for you than for her.  Good luck!  There's ALWAYS ways to get people involved in a wedding - they don't necessarily have to wear the uniform. 
     
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  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from JazzyJtotheILL. Show JazzyJtotheILL's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    In Response to Re: Could use some friendship advice:
    Jazzy, Do your wedding the way you want.  While that doesn't mean become bridezilla, it does mean that if you compromise away the things you want one by one, soon you are having somebody else's wedding starring you on your day, and you'll end up feeling resentful, frustrated, angry and stuck - which is no way to feel on your wedding day.  What you could have done is assign your brothers as ushers and have them bring up the gifts or do a reading, or whatever ceremonial functions your worship service allows.  I'll assume they're too old for ring bearer and flower boy.  ;) Now that you do have the crew assembled - if they said yes when you asked them to be in your wedding, it's their own damn fault.   It's up to you to play camp counselor and head up the pack.  Whichever is your maid/matron of honor is the bad cop.  You can be as rigid as you want.  When I got married I had one attendant - I told her the church was robin's egg blue and I was wearing ivory, don't clash.  (I was pretty sure she wouldn't show up in a Rockette's outfit with a feather headdress.)  Look at it this way - anyone who can't make the shopping trip is opting out of being in the wedding party - unless they make other arrangements.  So you have 5 or 6 now - you may be back down to 3 before you know it!  Just don't add any more!!!  And, if it's Mom's fault you have so many attendants now, you can make her go along on the shopping trip.  Unless that will be more punishment for you than for her.  Good luck!  There's ALWAYS ways to get people involved in a wedding - they don't necessarily have to wear the uniform. 
    Posted by wizen


    Wizen thanks for this note... I love your last line here :)
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from wizen. Show wizen's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    In Response to Re: Could use some friendship advice:
    In Response to Re: Could use some friendship advice : Wizen thanks for this note... I love your last line here :)
    Posted by JazzyJtotheILL


    You're welcome.  I had a lot of trouble with my inlaws over our wedding.  Fortunately, my groom and I agreed on most everything and we backed each other up.  They had all kinds of demands and wanted all their friends invited, which would have doubled our guest list!  Criminy.  There's always a compromise that can be made - don't sweat it.  And remember - this is a good test of your couples communication and decision making skills - trial by fire for sure! 
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from heavyblaster. Show heavyblaster's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    In Response to Re: Could use some friendship advice:
    I know this isn't going to help but ... Take your one bridesmaid, your best man maybe your Mom and all the money you are going to spend on this and get thee to Hawaii. It will be something you will always remember and you will have a ball without the pre-marriage nonsense which has been clinically shown to be the leading cause of ulcers in this country. OK I made that part up but ya know what I mean. Mazel Tov
    Posted by bzorn22


    You're right. Telling someone who posts for wedding planning advice to "just screw'em all and get married in Vegas" is both unrealistic, completely useless, and guaranteed to be redundant with the 20 other people who said the same dumb thing.
     
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  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from cb156. Show cb156's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    Jazzy--
    With the exception of noting that you are really attempting to be a good team player here, I'll forego my usual persona for this advice.
    I'm with the others here that are telling you to do this the way you and the Future Mr. Jazzy (FMJ) want, and not what anyone else wants.
    I suggest that you sit down with FMJ and talk about your concerns, and that the two of you decide what it is you really want this day to mean and to be.  This is a special day for both of you, and it will be one of the most important memories you will create together.  This is when the two of you stand up in front of your own community (friends and family) and formally commit to each other in public.
    It is extremely important that how you do this is a reflection of who each of you are and what you want your life together to become.
    This is not about other people's expectations.
    I am going to guess from what you've written that you are your parents' only daughter.  In that case, your Mom has likely had this day planned in her head for a long time.  But I repeat, this is a day that represents you and FMJ, not anyone else.  While I agree with others here that you cannot "un-ask" anyone to be in the wedding party, what you can do is decide to change the wedding plans to either limit, or eliminate, the wedding party.  If you are having a reception afterwards, perhaps you can still have those same people seated with you at the head table.
    Your mother might be upset with this, but really her main concern should be your happiness, and that you really get the day YOU and FMJ want, which may not be the same thing that she wants.
    As for the "friends" you already asked to be in the party--well, a real friend would only have two questions for you:  "This is what you really want?", and when you say "Yes", they should ask "OK, how can I help?".

    Congratulations to you both, and my Best Wishes for your future together.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from JazzyJtotheILL. Show JazzyJtotheILL's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    JoCo and CB

    I apologize, I didn't even see these two messages until today. Thank you for putting so much thought into your responses :)

    I've decided to leave things the way they are right now and just be a little less antsy... there isn't much for anyone to do at this point so I need to just be patient lol. Something I lack.

    I appreciate everyone taking the time to give me their thoughts on this situation. I have met (both physically and virtually) some amazing people through this process. :)
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from Another-Veronica. Show Another-Veronica's posts

    Re: Could use some friendship advice

    I've been away from LL & the forums lately but I want to add my 2 cents. 

    I did not read everyone's responses but having been through this, I feel a bit qualified to answer. Okay, I did read Zeptember's comment only because her first statement got my attention. 

    If I had to do it all over again, I'd elope too.  The only people who would have been bothered by this would be the parents but you know what?  They'd get over it.

    So if you've been dreaming about a wedding since you were a little girl & must go through with it, keep in mind that no matter how hard you try, you will not make everyone happy & that you must stand ground & insist on vital issues. 

    Jazzy -"I want my bridesmaids to wear black & the maid-of-honor silver."  Someone - "But I don't look good in black, whine whine whine.....

    Jazzy - "I love these sleeveless dresses," Someone - "But my arms are flabby"  whine whine whine.....

    Jazzy - "I'd prefer all of you to wear your hair similar or at least a flower (or head piece) on the same side for sake of the pictures,"  Someone - "But I don't look good with my hair that way,"  whine whine whine....

    Everyone is going to have an opinion.  Everyone.  Make sure the only people you make happy are you & Mr. Jazzy. 

    Unless your parents & future in-laws are contributing money, that's another story.  You'll have to make them happy to some degree.

    Also keep in mind that the photos are really the only thing (besides the marriage) that you will have forever to cherish.  If you don't have money to burn, invest in a reputable photographer & less money on flowers, doves, balloons, centerpieces, etc.....  That's my opinion.

    Oh yeah, spend money on a wonderful honeymoon too.  To this day, the best time in my life was my honeymoon.  I wish I took more pictures.

    Of course if you elope, you can set aside money for the wedding towards a down payment on a house.

    Good Luck Jazzy.
     

    Revised -- I've been reading some of the responses & I like JoCo's.  When she isn't being sarcastic, she really does give great advice especially since she has been through it.  Besides being a bride, I've also been a bridesmaid about 4 times & a maid-of-honor 3 times.  I've found the most difficult women are the groom's sister plus his mother.

    I hope by the time you read this that the communication between you & the girls have improved.  Keep in mind that not every girl wants to be a bridesmaid no matter how close the friend but will feel obligated to do so.

    Updates please!
     
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