Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from MarketSurfer. Show MarketSurfer's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    CHC, 

    I just started this mid life dating phase last summer, July to be exact, and I expect it to take 2-3 years until i find my next long term relationship.  Not about marriage, just about having a relationship. . .

    I just stumbled upon this blog, for lack of a better term, and gawd, its not the first date at all.  Its what happens when one clicks with chemistry and the other doesn't.  Or what happens on the 4 or 5th date, if i ever get that far.  So far, I have gotten as high as 3. 

    What have I learned so far, the first 10 or so are all practice, to get back into the game.  What is interesting also is that the conversations all tend to be about the same, similar questions, family, jobs, vacations, where have you travelled? do you own a house? where are your kids?  etc

    The other issue is how to handle yourself if you really, really, really like the person after the first date. . . or to be dramatic, how do you handle a love at first sight date?  that one I nearly needed some sort of anti anxiety pills for about a month. . . .   was. not. prepared. emotionally!  I made all the typical rookie mistakes after the second date, what not to do, and really, i don't want to see her again for at least a year.  Its like I met her too soon, but then again, there are other potential love at first sight people out there also, just not counting on them.  neither of us has said no to each other, but some future time.  Also doesn't help that i may be moving across country in the next couple of months.

    any other suggestions to a guy about how to handle a potential love a first sight date? 

    surf
     
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  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from justcat. Show justcat's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    "Don't be a Jezebel.  Unmarried genitals are the devil's playground."

    I flove this post - but even better is, "good girls get to go to heaven.  bad girls get to go everywhere"...
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from MarketSurfer. Show MarketSurfer's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    Its not that i was afraid of getting hurt or rejected, I was afraid of being perceived as a bumbling geek, which is what happened. . .

    I guess the question comes down to:  How often do you call and chat?  how often do you plan to go out together?   Oh the stress. . .  the one issue i had was that i met her in October, and I had to wait three months to go skiing with her, so what to do with her for three months before skiing?

    And then how do you tell if she was just being nice, instead of being honest. . . that one kills me. ..  We didn't have that much in common, just she was just such a perfect 10, . . .

    ah, the memories. . .
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    "I guess the question comes down to:  How often do you call and chat?  how often do you plan to go out together?   Oh the stress. . .  the one issue i had was that i met her in October, and I had to wait three months to go skiing with her, so what to do with her for three months before skiing?"

    Restaurants? Autumn sailing? Just hanging out?

    "We didn't have that much in common, just she was just such a perfect 10, . ."

    That may be the issue - that you even mentioned it, that you even mentioned it to us, here, an anonymous (sort of) group. Ten? Why is that so important to you?

    Sailing in the Caribbean and Salisbury Cathedral I have done, but it would not be something I'd throw out on a first date unless it organically emerged. I'll say it here because I'm not dating any of the LLL. I'd rather know about the quotidien from you, the stuff that matters:
    What is interesting also is that the conversations all tend to be about the same, similar questions, family, jobs, vacations, where have you travelled? do you own a house? where are your kids?  etc" Remember your William Carols Williams:

    so much depends
    upon

    a red wheel
    barrow

    glazed with rain
    water

    beside the white
    chickens.


    -- and fruit:

    I have eaten the plums that were in the icebox  and which you were probably saving for breakfast  Forgive me they were delicious so sweet and so cold
    -- Ie, don't sweat the big stuff, revel in the small stuff (which is the big stuff). Talk about - plums, for instance!


    "
     
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  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from jdrotten. Show jdrotten's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    MarketSurfer wrote:

    I guess the question comes down to:  How often do you call and chat?  how often do you plan to go out together?   Oh the stress. . .
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I'm new at this too marketsurfer.  I'm pretty much in the same boat as you just starting dating last summer after a 20 year hiatus.  Take my advise with a grain of salt.

    Calling and chatting seems to progress naturally if mutual feelings are there.  A common desire to learn about each other needs to be there.  I say call and chat as often as you feel comfortable.  If she responds in kind, then you know she has feelings for you.  If she is luke warm, well....

    Same thing with planning dates really.  If you are both crazy about each other then things just kind of play out.

    Careful with the '10' thing too.  Not having a lot in common isn't a good sign really.

    My last piece of advise is to listen to CHC's advise.  She's a smarty.

    It is stressful buddy...I know
     
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  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from bzorn22. Show bzorn22's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    I would not trust love at first sight. It isn't love its hormones. Unless she feels the same way this is the beginning of an uneven relationship. Those don't end well. So until you can be in better control of your emotions I would not advise dating her again because it will make things worse for you. Dating is an organic process. Start by enjoying the activity whatever it may be and go from there. Real realtionships build from shared values and expectations. The pow-zoom of love at first sight clouds those issues.
     
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from sm1231. Show sm1231's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    I am so happy to read all of this, I'm trying to get over someone and just starting to date other people...advice is welcome!
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItalianIce84. Show ItalianIce84's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    Dating is scary whether you've been out of the dating pool for 6 years or 6 months.... the worst part is when you know you like someone, but you just can't figure out what their feelings are for you....
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from JeepersCripes. Show JeepersCripes's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    Dating is scary and wonderful at the same time. Its just depends on how YOU percieve it. I think first and foremost, you have to be relaxed about it. You cant think that everyone you meet and date will end up being the love of your life, no matter how awesome they seem. Keep the perspective in check, that just because you may not click, doesn't mean you cant maintain some kind of relationship with that person. You never know who they may know ;)

    Second, have fun. If you are nervous and skittish, that will come across and make the other person nervous and skittish. Dating should be enjoyable! Don't take yourself too seriously. I remember one particular date with guy when we were first dating moons ago. We went to some restaurant and I ordered a Caesar Salad......with Balsamic Vinaigrette dressing (because who knew that Caesar Salad already came with dressing). When the waitress said, "it already comes with dressing", I just laughed it off to being a hick from NH where we have to mix everything ourselves. He laughed, thought it was endearing.

    Third, be honest. Be honest about your feelings and your intentions. Take the time to get to know someone, give them a chance. But if you really don't feel a connection, then say that. You cant expect to connect with everyone. But even those you don't connect with on a relationship level, doesn't mean you cant connect on a friend level. The one thing I never understood is why people just dismissed people they didn't have sparks with. I mean unless they show stalker or bat-shizznat-crazy tendencies, it is ok to be friends with someone.


    As for love at first sight....I am torn with this one. When I met guy 20 years ago, I knew he was the one. Took us long enough to get here, but there is something about that connection with someone when you know it....you know it. At least for me anyway.

    I am in this boat now with my mom. She lives in some small NH town where everyone is married with families. Kind of difficult to date in that area.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from jesseyeric. Show jesseyeric's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    Do not over analyze dating in any and all forms. Be yourself because that is what your date is hoping for. Do not be something that you are not because you have perceived yourself to be more attractive that way. If you are a geek, be a geek; if you are a hipster, be a hipster; if you are a shallow minded wannabe, be a shallow minded wannabe. Chemistry will kick in if it is there. And whatever you do, please don't settle because you think that is the best you can do. Don't be afraid of being alone - there is nothing wrong with that.

    And for all the lookers out there (guys and girls); remember, there is always someone better looking than you. So be respectful if someone who you feel is not in your class fancies you a bit. Grace and elegance go a very long way in life.

    And remember - Don't need nothing but a good time, how can you resist.

    That's all I have to say.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from TheRealJBar. Show TheRealJBar's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    jesseyeric, excellent point about looks.  I started working for a firm and my God, the best looking man I had ever seen worked there.  Seriously, jaw-droppingly good looking. THEN he opened his mouth and his personality was I swear the basis of the theme song to How the Grinch Stole Christmas. He was that bad, a real toad.  Mean, haughty, pretentious and arrogant. 

    I've also met men that at first blush are clearly never going to be Chippendales, or the leading man on The Bachelor.  However, once I got to know them and how endearing, funny, loyal, kind, intelligent and independent they are, then in my eyes they became the handsomest men I'd ever met. 

    Back to my first post on this thread - unless you feel skeeved out, or in some kind of danger, don't cut a potential sweetheart loose if you don't feel a world class "connection" on your first date, or even your second.  Sometimes the best mate's are the ones who take a little time to reveal themselves to you.  And if you are one of the ones who enters the dating pool inch by inch, instead of by diving off the high board, don't be afraid to show a little of yourself to a new potential partner fairly early on.  I'm not talking about baring your soul and trashing your ex-wife before the salad's been served, but if you have a few comments you can make about yourself, especially if you can laugh at yourself, it will tell your date something about you, and also open the door for them to share something about themselves.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from jesseyeric. Show jesseyeric's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    In Response to Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while:
    [QUOTE]jesseyeric, excellent point about looks.  I started working for a firm and my God, the best looking man I had ever seen worked there.  Seriously, jaw-droppingly good looking. THEN he opened his mouth and his personality was I swear the basis of the theme song to How the Grinch Stole Christmas. He was that bad, a real toad.  Mean, haughty, pretentious and arrogant.  I've also met men that at first blush are clearly never going to be Chippendales, or the leading man on The Bachelor.  However, once I got to know them and how endearing, funny, loyal, kind, intelligent and independent they are, then in my eyes they became the handsomest men I'd ever met.  Back to my first post on this thread - unless you feel skeeved out, or in some kind of danger, don't cut a potential sweetheart loose if you don't feel a world class "connection" on your first date, or even your second.  Sometimes the best mate's are the ones who take a little time to reveal themselves to you.  And if you are one of the ones who enters the dating pool inch by inch, instead of by diving off the high board, don't be afraid to show a little of yourself to a new potential partner fairly early on.  I'm not talking about baring your soul and trashing your ex-wife before the salad's been served, but if you have a few comments you can make about yourself, especially if you can laugh at yourself, it will tell your date something about you, and also open the door for them to share something about themselves.
    Posted by TheRealJBar[/QUOTE]

    Good points, especially the one about trashing ex's. Wait until your dates have hit double digits before you do that.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from MarketSurfer. Show MarketSurfer's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    so, i get it,

    turn off the analytical brain from work, difficult as it might be.
    Meet many more people, gain confidence, before attempting to revisit the love at first sight interest.  I will be relocated across country by then most likely.  She will be safe to move about the region again!  (that was a joke to you serious types!)

    I had a nice first date on Saturday, 3.5 hours eating pizza, she's fun, we'll see.

    RDG,
    If they haven't sailed or are known to get seasick, that's a NO further.  If they are not athletic in any way, that's a NO further.

    I specifically am looking for how to handle emotions when the person causes some sort of uncontrollable "WOW!" this person does everything i do, was almost more athletic than me, is very very attractive to me, and kind of sets off the "this is the type of person i have dreamt about" bells.  (TO ME!) 

    Talking on the phone to people in far away offices is all i do all day at work.  I hate to come home and do it again.  Of course, it doesn't help when the company is having layoffs, during the month you have met the person, and you don't know if you are on the list.

    thanks, just continue to gain experience which builds confidence, which is the plan, wherever i am.

    M'surf  (not S'murf)
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from yogafriend. Show yogafriend's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    In Response to Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while:
    [QUOTE] I specifically am looking for how to handle emotions when the person causes some sort of uncontrollable "WOW!" this person does everything i do, was almost more athletic than me, is very very attractive to me, and kind of sets off the "this is the type of person i have dreamt about" bells.  (TO ME!) 
    Posted by MarketSurfer[/QUOTE]

    Remember that all you are doing is learning about activities the person likes to do, you still have no idea who they are.  You have no idea if the person is a nice person, or a decent person, or a caring person.  All you are attracted to is the fact they can pump iron.   Or ride a bike.   Or ... things lots of people do.  That's how you handle it.   Don't get ahead of yourself.  There is no need to go crazy over someone just b/c she has run a marathon.  It's a start maybe, but it has nothing to do with her character.  And her attractiveness early on might be superficial, too.  There is inner beauty that you might not see right away.   

    And if you are attracted to someone just b/c she is a mirror image of yourself, consider that, too.    Don't you want to learn something new?  Or meet people who are willing to learn about your interests?  Just b/c someone has different interests than you doesn't mean they wouldn't be thrilled to be with someone they can explore and evolve with.   I can understand the idea that you're an active person and really could not hang with someone who isn't active or athletic, or you love the outdoors and know you would not be happy with someone who's a cave dog, granted.  But sometimes it's really nice to learn something new and meet someone who would love to introduce you to a world that you knew little about.   Makes life interesting.
     Smile
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from EnjoyEverySandwich. Show EnjoyEverySandwich's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while


    MarketSurfer said:  "I had a nice first date on Saturday, 3.5 hours eating pizza, she's fun, we'll see."

    Surfer, that is a LOT of pizza!  8^)

    I've been out of the dating pool a loooong time, so I don't really have any current advice.  But I would say, on the one hand, I think if you're athletic, looking for someone who is similarly into health and fitness is a reasonable requirement. 

    But limiting your pool of women to those who sail is quite restrictive, only because there's a limited number of people who even have the opportunity to sail.  My husband is a sailor, and I'm more of a ducker (as in duck before the boom hits me).  I also get seasick.  But there's this amazing invention called dramamine.   So I guess I'm lucky my hubby and I fell in love at first sight, before he had a chance to reject me for my lack of sailing experience.

    Things can be worked around for the right person, and the right person might not be who you expect.  My hunch is that you're just not 100% ready yet, and that is a-okay.  Putting your toes in and testing the waters takes time, even for an experienced sailor like yourself.  If you really are going to relocate, that move will probably bring you all kinds of adventures and new people to meet -- and could be the start of a new chapter in your love life as well as your career.

    I really do think you're on the right tack and that great things are going to happen for you!

    'Sandwich

     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from bzorn22. Show bzorn22's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    As one of those men who will never be mistaken for a chippendale dancer (Maybe Chip n' Dale) I have always been grateful that women can and will look past that. I believe that men can look beyond that also. If we are looking for arm candy or a conquest of a 10 then we can be so fixated on looks but other than that the ties that will bind us over a lifetime are much different ones.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from phsmith8. Show phsmith8's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    i never realized i had a type until she found me.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from jesseyeric. Show jesseyeric's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    Dating doesn't always have to be about searching for the love of your life. There are millions of bachelors and bachelorettes that have sworn off marriage. I don't think that means they have sworn off dating. Afterall, it is a social interaction thing that has the potential for some very nice perks.

     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from katel. Show katel's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    Super glad for all of these dating tips, as I spent New Years Eve day starting to fill out divorce papers...Husband walked out on me 3.5 months ago, haven't seen him (or a dime from him) and have barely heard from him since then. He has been very clear that he wants a divorce, and in fact, went to live with another woman for a month, but has done nothing to make that happen.  So taking the reins and beginning to fill out the paperwork has been a small bit of control I can take in what has otherwise been an uncontrollable situation. Not ready to send them in to my lawyer yet, but having them in my home and partially filled out feels like a good step.

    I know for SURE that I'm not ready to date yet...still too many tearful days to consider that. But I'm working on myself, working out like a madwoman (partially because it makes me feel better and partially because it's taking off those marriage pounds!), spending time with friends and trying to have a good time. Thankfully, I'm relatively young (30 years old), and I think I'm nice, funny, smart, and not horrifyingly ugly. I know that there is love out there for me again eventually, but thinking about dating again is sort of terrifying! Never thought I'd be in the situation to have to, so I'm trying to think about all of the fun I had doing it before I met my husband 6 years ago. Of course, dating at 23 is different than dating at 30, but we'll see what happens in a few months when I'm ready to consider it...
    Good luck to all of you out there! Thanks for the advice and hopefully I'll have some to share, too!
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from jesseyeric. Show jesseyeric's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    In Response to Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while:
    [QUOTE]Super glad for all of these dating tips, as I spent New Years Eve day starting to fill out divorce papers...Husband walked out on me 3.5 months ago, haven't seen him (or a dime from him) and have barely heard from him since then. He has been very clear that he wants a divorce, and in fact, went to live with another woman for a month, but has done nothing to make that happen.  So taking the reins and beginning to fill out the paperwork has been a small bit of control I can take in what has otherwise been an uncontrollable situation. Not ready to send them in to my lawyer yet, but having them in my home and partially filled out feels like a good step. I know for SURE that I'm not ready to date yet...still too many tearful days to consider that. But I'm working on myself, working out like a madwoman (partially because it makes me feel better and partially because it's taking off those marriage pounds!), spending time with friends and trying to have a good time. Thankfully, I'm relatively young (30 years old), and I think I'm nice, funny, smart, and not horrifyingly ugly. I know that there is love out there for me again eventually, but thinking about dating again is sort of terrifying! Never thought I'd be in the situation to have to, so I'm trying to think about all of the fun I had doing it before I met my husband 6 years ago. Of course, dating at 23 is different than dating at 30, but we'll see what happens in a few months when I'm ready to consider it... Good luck to all of you out there! Thanks for the advice and hopefully I'll have some to share, too!
    Posted by katel[/QUOTE]

    Dating should be the last thing on your mind now. But I like what you said about doing all those things which are good fo you; physically, mentally and emotionally. And if you think you deserve money, please get a lawyer.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from katel. Show katel's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    Hey Jessey,
    I don't know if I'd say I think I deserve money...I want half of our debts and half of the household bills, as he and I signed a lease for our apt. 3 weeks before he left, which leaves me no choice but to live there for the next year. So, I think it's fair for him to have to pay half, as he signed the lease, too.
    I have a lawyer who is helping with the divorce, and she's pretty great. So, we'll see what shakes out. I can carry all of the bills/rent, etc on my salary, but not a whole lot leftover. I'm very lucky (and grateful) that I can swing it on my own, so far...
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from redwolf68. Show redwolf68's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

     I flirt on LL, but I hope the LL men know I'm not chasing them. It's all in friendly affection, no more, no less. I admire their writings and their cheerful spirits.The ones who give constructive opinions are, like the women, the best. Posted by reindeergirl[/QUOTE]

    Would still love to hang out with you sometime, RDG.  All in the spirit of pure friendliness, of course... :-)
     
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