Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from TheRealJBar. Show TheRealJBar's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    Oh Katel I'm so sorry that this carp all got dumped on you around the Holidays.  There's never a good time, but some times are just worse than others.  Can you come play on the LL board tomorrow?  There are some awesome people on there and we'd love to have you jump in. 
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from TwoCentDonation. Show TwoCentDonation's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    {{Katel}}

    How awful!  I'm glad that you are working on taking back your life, though.  I wish the best for you - this year sounds like it will be bumpy, but a necessary transition.  We're rooting for you!
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from EnjoyEverySandwich. Show EnjoyEverySandwich's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    Katel:

    I'll join the others in a big group {{{hug}}}.  Keep on pluggin', hon!
     
  4. This post has been removed.

     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from jesseyeric. Show jesseyeric's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    In Response to Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while:
    Hey Jessey, I don't know if I'd say I think I deserve money...I want half of our debts and half of the household bills, as he and I signed a lease for our apt. 3 weeks before he left, which leaves me no choice but to live there for the next year. So, I think it's fair for him to have to pay half, as he signed the lease, too. I have a lawyer who is helping with the divorce, and she's pretty great. So, we'll see what shakes out. I can carry all of the bills/rent, etc on my salary, but not a whole lot leftover. I'm very lucky (and grateful) that I can swing it on my own, so far...
    Posted by katel


    If his name is on the lease, he is definitely has responsibilties towards that. That being said, being able to handle everything for now will only enhance your confidence as you move forward. And then when the time comes, flip him the bird and walk away from him with a strut and a swagger.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from MarketSurfer. Show MarketSurfer's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    Just one last point,

    I know that I can choose who I can ask out, what I can't always know is the emotions which I will have after going out with a person.  My question was around how to handle emotions or the situation when the person matches the type of person, woman in my case, you are attracted to, which is undefinable in logical terms. 

    The woman i went out with i only saw a face shot and knew she liked skiing, before i met her.  Who I saw and talked with was way more than the face shot, but someone who i can best describe, was a love at first sight.  That is the only description from my emotions.  The logical questions do not apply of why her, or why not someone else, etc.  It was just a perfect match for me, from the dates we had. 
    I will most likely never see her again, or the stars will have to align perfectly, so I am not concerned about the outcome of this particular woman.  She did irritate me about something, but, anyone know how to deal with these love at first sight close encounters?

    thanks

    M'surf
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    What's considered a 10 these days?

    I've a friend who says "If you want to get a 10, you have to be a 10." I ask him "Really? How so?" My kind of 10 begins with character, compassion, a heart, ability to empathize. Good to children, seniors, and 4-legged critters. Having a classical or an arts education is a plus. Looks? Meh. If he makes me a "football widow," all the better, I can do my own thing without worrying about him. Although I flirt with some of the younger men on LL, in r/l I tend to like them older, not younger - but it has something to do with my idea of being nurtured.

    I don't see why she has to be impressed, MS, by Caribbean or one of the seats of Celtic Britain. If she's willing to learn about Roman-Celtic Sorviodunum, or earn her sea legs, I feel that should be enough.

    People have enough dating pressure without worrying about being a square peg in a round hole. And besides, you're limiting your dating pool if you demand that and that she be a 10 right from the start. (Disclaimer: you don't limit your dating pool by preferring humanities types or artists, as there are so many out there. Bo Derek lookalikes? Not so much.)

    I'm not wanting to be contentious, truly I'm not. And I get that men often prefer the visual (and yeah, Marilyn Monroe *was* well-read, and *did* have many other creative and intellectual talents as well her looks). But if that delightful man rejected me because I didn't want to parachute out of airplanes, well, we never would have had that delightful relationship. Please consider looking outside your activity zone. The *holistic* 10 just might be waiting for you there. Consider Rumi:

    "“Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field. I'll meet you there.”
     
  8. This post has been removed.

     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from jesseyeric. Show jesseyeric's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    In Response to Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while:
    What's considered a 10 these days? I've a friend who says "If you want to get a 10, you have to be a 10." I ask him "Really? How so?" My kind of 10 begins with character, compassion, a heart, ability to empathize. Good to children, seniors, and 4-legged critters. Having a classical or an arts education is a plus. Looks? Meh. If he makes me a "football widow," all the better, I can do my own thing without worrying about him. Although I flirt with some of the younger men on LL, in r/l I tend to like them older, not younger - but it has something to do with my idea of being nurtured. I don't see why she has to be impressed, MS, by Caribbean or one of the seats of Celtic Britain. If she's willing to learn about Roman-Celtic Sorviodunum, or earn her sea legs, I feel that should be enough. People have enough dating pressure without worrying about being a square peg in a round hole. And besides, you're limiting your dating pool if you demand that and that she be a 10 right from the start. (Disclaimer: you don't limit your dating pool by preferring humanities types or artists, as there are so many out there. Bo Derek lookalikes? Not so much.) I'm not wanting to be contentious, truly I'm not. And I get that men often prefer the visual (and yeah, Marilyn Monroe *was* well-read, and *did* have many other creative and intellectual talents as well her looks). But if that delightful man rejected me because I didn't want to parachute out of airplanes, well, we never would have had that delightful relationship. Please consider looking outside your activity zone. The *holistic* 10 just might be waiting for you there. Consider Rumi: "“Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field. I'll meet you there.”
    Posted by reindeergirl


    Every woman is a 10 to somebody.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from bzorn22. Show bzorn22's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    In Response to Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while:
    Just one last point, I know that I can choose who I can ask out, what I can't always know is the emotions which I will have after going out with a person.  My question was around how to handle emotions or the situation when the person matches the type of person, woman in my case, you are attracted to, which is undefinable in logical terms.  The woman i went out with i only saw a face shot and knew she liked skiing, before i met her.  Who I saw and talked with was way more than the face shot, but someone who i can best describe, was a love at first sight.  That is the only description from my emotions.  The logical questions do not apply of why her, or why not someone else, etc.  It was just a perfect match for me, from the dates we had.  I will most likely never see her again, or the stars will have to align perfectly, so I am not concerned about the outcome of this particular woman.  She did irritate me about something, but, anyone know how to deal with these love at first sight close encounters? thanks M'surf
    Posted by MarketSurfer


    How does she feel about you? If it is love at first sight for you but not for her that sets up a very unequal relationship. You would be willing to die for her. She would be willing to go the movies with you on Saturday. Why do you feel you will never see her again?

    Usually love at first sight is all about instantaneous attraction and that makes it difficult to have a real relationship because the ties that bind go deeper than that.

    That happened to me once. I dove in with both feet. And for 6 years I was in an unequal relationship that spoiled every other relationship that might of been possible during those 6 years and for some time after. Essentialy I allowed her to use me and that she did. Nobody to blame but myself. Now if I feel that powerful rush at first sight I walk away and a musician, I make her my muse for a couple of years but that is it. Good luck. The best woman in one who is looking for the same things you are. And if you can make her laugh you are halfway home.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from bzorn22. Show bzorn22's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    RDG wrote:
    "“Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field. I'll meet you there.”

    I want to thank you again for showing me someone and something I did not know (Rufi) and I am better for it. I found some echoes of Whitman in his poetry - well the other way around of course. Again - thank you
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from MarketSurfer. Show MarketSurfer's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    RDG,

    I know you are stuck on the assumption that I only want a 10, on the pua scale, but that is not true.  I only want someone to whom I am feel attracted, and with whom I can share some fun outdoor activities.  The 10 was a euphemistic description about how i saw the woman.  The woman I had a date with saturday emailed me because she likes to sail and to ski and to travel.  She travels more than I do, and sails more than I do at the moment.  She is fun and nice, and cute!

    bzorn's comment actually makes the most amount of sense about his experience, as that is the road i was heading down, and then stopped myself. . . .   that is why i most likely will never see her again.  I could feel myself getting sucked down the path of beauty and not compatability, and I just had a hard time coping with the feelings.

    I am open to many, but also have dated/married non sailors, non athletes enough to know that I end up wanting a partner with whom to have that type of fun.  you don't have to agree, you are not me.

    m' surfer
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItalianIce84. Show ItalianIce84's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    I'm beginning to discover, after lots of dating, lots of quasi-relationships, and even after a fairly long romance that began my freshman year of college, that it's not necessarily the ones who give you the biggest butterflies (that "love at first sight" feeling some have mentioned) that are going to mean the most- it's the ones who give you that nauseous feeling when you start to question if your lives are truly compatible that you have to watch out for... 

    I've thrown caution to the wind (or, actually, didn't put much thought into any possible obstacles at all) for butterflies, and sure, I was upset when those situations ended- thought I was heartbroken once or twice, too. Never in those situations, though, did I stay awake at night wondering how I could actually make something work with someone long term- I just sort of assumed they'd work out of they were meant to, somehow...

    I've just started spending some romantic time with a guy I've known for a while, and it's damn terrifying to be in a situation that isn't just fueled by butterflies. This one FEELS different, and it's because I actually care.

    We've only been hanging out in a romantic sense since November, and I find myself being more cautious with my feelings than I've ever been.. I think about how we'd make a truly serious relationship work with such opposite work schedules, where we'd live if things got to that point, would we be able to afford kids (I swear I'm not thinking this in a creepy way- more like a logistical  well this is his job and this is my job and neither of us make a ton of money, but I'd like a future with this guy, and this is something to consider)... it keeps me awake at night...

    and sure, he definitely gives me butterflies, but I'm telling ya, with dating, it's the ones that make you nauseous that you've got to worry about- because this situation is scaring the bejeesus out of me :)

    so yeh, look for the one that makes you want to retch instead of the one that just makes your heart go pitter patter :)
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from MarketSurfer. Show MarketSurfer's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    LOL!

    yea, I can relate, as you can tell.  though i think wretching is a bit of hyperbole. . .  unable to sleep, yea, that's more like it.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from jdrotten. Show jdrotten's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    ItalianIce wrote:

    and sure, he definitely gives me butterflies, but I'm telling ya, with dating, it's the ones that make you nauseous that you've got to worry about- because this situation is scaring the bejeesus out of me :)
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    So true Ice!  I so know that nauseous feeling.  I started talking with my gf last summer and the further things progressed the worse my stomach felt.  It was like this 'oh dear' feeling.  I was falling for her and it scared me to death...hehe.  Thankfully the nauseousness went away over time.

    I also don't think it's bad for you to consider what the future may hold for the two of you.  However, if you're meant to be together, things have a way of working out.  Just don't get so caught up worrying about the future that you forget to enjoy the present.

    I'm glad you have found yourself someone special!  Enjoy
     
  16. This post has been removed.

     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from justcat. Show justcat's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    Market Surfer: the stars will align again - just with someone else.  Trust me, it happens... when you least expect it.  I know that sounds trite and cliched but let the last one go so the next one can move into synch...
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from MarketSurfer. Show MarketSurfer's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    I agree and have. . . not to worry, my post was initially about dealing with emotions and it gets easier with practice, just meeting people and being outcome neutral. . . more about studying the people and their reactions, etc.

    but why should i trust a fake internet friend called, "justcat"?

    LOL!

     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from MarketSurfer. Show MarketSurfer's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    Two months later, and getting the hang of weeding out the players in the dating pool.  There is one woman who had Sailing all over her profile, and asked if one would wnat to sail with her, i bet she is taken, but she hasn't responded yet.  I have had skiing dates, which were a blast, followed by hot tubs, and then dumped, no big deal, so i think that Jeeps had the correct advice, its just meeting people and eventually someone will click. There was an not yet divorced Blonde beauty but had no feelings for whatsoever but was she cute. . .  most dinner dates right now last about 2 - 3 hours. . . which isn't too bad. . . just more time to rack up the bill!

    Even a hawt chick doesn't faze me anymore, just another face and date, lets see if anything happens, and if the third date sucks, or can't get past the fourth date, not the right one. . . keep looking. . .  what i do find amazing is that everyone pretty much figures out yes or no by the second or third date, don't know why, but its that fast. . .

    cervidaegirl, its about common themes and activities, to be able to participate together with shared fun,  i don't want a work wife or a business wife, i want a FWB who we can play together and have fun. . .

    anyway, someone did say that if one did a date a weekend one would be broke, and there is a bit of truth to that. . .  but it sure beats sitting around waiting for one to drop in the lap from heaven. . .

    confidence comes fro mpractive and the experience

    M'surfer




     
  20. This post has been removed.

     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from MarketSurfer. Show MarketSurfer's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    True,

    the woman i met this weekend, whose divorce is not final, and who isn't really ready for dating, said that she could see being someone's girlfriend, just never getting married again. . . she assumed she would be getting divorced again. . . i thought FWB immediately as her interpretation.

    the key is to be outcome independent, which once i adopted that attitude, took all the anxiety away, and just going to meet people to see who is out there. . .

    thanks, and its a numbers game. .. i haven't found anyone that i can get past a second date with since i started the thread but maybe this weekend or next week. . . neva nose.

     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from katel. Show katel's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    Good Lord, these posts are timely...
    So, husband has now been gone for 6 months. Divorce paperwork is submitted. Hasn't gone through yet, I've learned that these things take time! Still working out like crazy, taking care of myself, walking my dogs, cleaning my house, going out and having fun and trying to learn how to cook. I know for sure that I'm not ready to date (M'surf, if you hadn't said blonde, I would think you were on a date with me!), but trying to figure out what I could handle. I can handle a sleepover. I can handle a few dates here and there, perhaps, but I know I'm not ready or able to commit to anything yet. So, the question becomes, how do I put that out there without sounding either like a harlot or like a jerk? I supposed the answer will be "don't worry about it, you'll figure it out as it happens" and that is likely correct...but I don't like not knowing how to handle things beforehand!

    A good thing, I think, is that I'm more comfortable being open about what I'm going through. I've started to tell a few select people at work. A few customers at my weekend job have found out and I've chatted with them VERY briefly or jokingly about it. So, at least I don't feel ashamed of what happened anymore. It's certainly not what I expected, I never thought I wouldn't have a successful marriage, but I'm realzing now that I can't change what happened, I can only add it as an experience to my life. No judgement.
     
  23. This post has been removed.

     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while

    I don't want to remarry, but I do want a life-long partner.

    I'm very cautious, though, because DD's safety and well-being must come first.

    She has a friend down the street who lives with her mother and step-grandfather. The grandfather seemed like a perfectly nice man; a little older than I am; handsome; not too high on the intellect, but passable. In the early days, I thought he could make a nice companion for me. Then, as time moved forward, I learned he treated his step-daughter as a sex object when she was still a young teen; his other kids don't talk to him because he molested them; he's starting to flirt with DD's friend, who is only a pre-teen. Once I had even a bit of this information, I stopped allowing DD to go to her friend's house. The friend can come here; DD can go nowhere near the grandfather.

    I find it a little scary out there. The diddlers often don't present as anything more than a pleasant neighbor. But they're out there.

    The mother and daughter live with him because they have nowhere else to go (it's his house). Childrens' services has been involved, but they close the case when they don't see the grandfather being inappropriate in front of the caseworker. I did a SORI on him and couldn't find anything. Mother is terrified of returning to the shelter, although that's not her only option. I can't take them in for the long-term (although they've stayed with me short term).

    So, this long-winded story - I am really, really careful about dating. Call me the safety soldier, I don't care. Often the diddlers have been neither charged nor convicted of a crime, so one has to go by instinct; reputation; first-hand knowledge.

    Thank God he never touched mine (nor said anything inappropriate to her).
     
    If my attitude means I date less, and take longer to find my life's partner, then that's the way it has to be.

    In other business, I'm kind of broke right now, but I'm also uncomfortable with strangers paying for me on dates. So the evenings out can be kind of limiting. Typically I might do with he-who-shall-not-be-named: a date at the museum; I have membership so we get in free; if he wants to treat to coffee and dessert, I won't feel guilty about it, because I am making (hopefully) a nice time for him at the MFA. Art history is my forté.

    I try to look my best, although I have a body issue I'm working on. High heels; flippy skirt or dress; demure make-up; hair swept up; pretty jacket. Probably the same way I'd dress for a LL event, if I ever can get to one. I DON't like outdoorsy activities for a first date. I want conversation, thought, light intimacy if we're attracted to each other. I want to see what his intellect is life, not just his strength riding a bicycle up a moutain. I'm looking for a modern Orpheus, not the AMC version of Hercules. (Not that there's anything wrong with Hercules, and I love to swim and snorkel.) (Too bad Rilke was an anti-Semite; I could have fallen for him otherwise.) I want to see if he's daring in some ways - for the longest time, I had a friend who would not try a dish unless he could easily pronounce its name. He went through Europe literally hopping from one McDonald's to another.

    Science Museum trips are also a lot of fun. I particularly like the lightning exhibit. The salad bar isn't bad for r&r, and the cafeteria has ice cream and a gorgeous view of the river.

    The adventure trips can come later. But I want a partner who can eat and talk.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from EnjoyEverySandwich. Show EnjoyEverySandwich's posts

    Re: Dating Tips for those that have been out of the dating pool for a while


    " But I want a partner who can eat and talk. "

    SUCH high standards, RDG!  8^D



     
Sections
Shortcuts

Share