Help with a parent who needs care

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  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Help with a parent who needs care

    I'm sorry, Lily, what a horrible situation and lifetime of pain she's caused.  Genetic material does not make a woman a mother.  She isn't your mother as far as I can see, and therefore you are not her daughter.  I would handle it (phyically speaking) as if she were a complete stranger.  She will manage without you somehow the same as a stranger would have to; she's a grown woman, sick or not, and she is continuing to make bad decisions that are landing her in continuously bad situations.  What business is that of yours?  None.

    Emotionally, speaking, I don't know how I'd handle it.  But, as far as the nuts and bolts go, she made the decisions that created the relationship you have with her...or, don't have, as the case may be.  You were too young at the time she made most of those decisions to be able to share responsibility for where the relationship went.  She'll have to accept the consequences imo.

    As for the rest of the family, you'll have to accept the consequences of protecting yourself and your son.  If they don't understand, that's truly unfortunate, but do the best you can and move forward with your life with or without them, depending on their response to your necessary choices.

    Best to you and hugs,
    ~kar

    ETA:  Her decades of bad choices that are continuing today are not your fault nor your responsibility to remedy.  And, the fact that she's sick now doesn't change anything.  Your having guilt over how to handle HER bad decisions is adding insult to injury in your life.

    ETA #2:  Mistakes are made in good faith thinking that the right thing is being done but wasn't by accident.  Purposeful, selfish, mean decisions made without regard for one's children are not mistakes.  There's a big difference.  Not that bad decisions are unforgiveable, per se, but seeing them as "mistakes" makes it harder for you to do the right thing for you and your son.  A lifetime of mean, selfish decisions has consequences, and you are not responsible for those consequences.  She is.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from dog-lady. Show dog-lady's posts

    Re: Help with a parent who needs care

    Well,  she needs to get her affairs in order first, ie: consult a lawyer who deals with these matters,  file for bankruptcy?  Then evaluate her options as far as what living arrangements would make sense, depending on what benefits she receives. If she is getting medical care where she is, where will she get it if she moves? If you can find a way to assist her and still keep her at arm's length that may be the best solution, people make terrible mistakes and often regret them, especially toward the end of their lives,  I would give her the chance to try to make amends with you, obviously you have unresolved issues with her, I understand you're not close...but these things have a way of coming back to haunt us later, I would try to make peace with her.  Be honest with her that she can't live under the same roof with you as it didn't work out in the past.
     
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  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from AlyssaJones. Show AlyssaJones's posts

    Re: Help with a parent who needs care

    Ugh Lily. I know you've talked about this a bit before, but it really does sound like an awful situation. I think you need to do what's right for you and Lily Jr... Meaning, don't let her move in with you. Tell her and the rest of the family that it's not an option. And be firm about that. So what about your other siblings? Can she possibly move in with them? Can you all pitch in to get her her own place in some kind of assisted living.? What about your Aunt? I'm not that familiar with government programs in cases like these, unfortunately.
     
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    Re: Help with a parent who needs care

    I have lived a similar situation in my relationship with my mom.  Catholic guilt made it impossible to move on.  (coupled with her "I changed your diapers").  The way I have dealt with is to come to the realization that I really don't owe her anything.  But I owe my kids the world.  She has had ample opportunity to do right by you and seems to only want to bring you down.  (Moms know so much about their kids: they have the unfair advantage that at the  start your relationship together she was an adult while you were just a child).  She doesn't seem to have been there for you, now you are torn about being there for her.  Sucky situation to be in, just know that you MUST think of your mental well being and that of your kids.  
     
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    Re: Help with a parent who needs care

    My mother was a mother in name only.  She was a narcissist and didn't have an ounce of maternal instinct.  I tried for years and years to make it work, but in the end, she chose the life she led and I had to let her go.  When she had all the end of life decisions (she had also told me for years that she was dying), she was in Kentucky.  Once I decided to excise her from my life - once and for all - I felt as though a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.  No one wanted to take her in either.  She was estranged from all my siblings except one.  She leaned heavily on her church.  That one sibling was down there towards the very end, when it was actually the very end.  But she was like a cancer in my life and I knew I would never be whole with her in it.  As far as the relatives who may look down their noses - so be it.  Let them judge you - you know what you're doing is the right thing for you and your son.  Don't look back. 
     
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    Re: Help with a parent who needs care

    Good luck Lily.  That sounds like a good plan.  Its so expensive to move, anyway.  
     
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    Re: Help with a parent who needs care

    For anyone dealing with something similar (my BIL has NPD) I highly recommend a book that helped me understand what the heck was WRONG with him and to see that I cannot help or change him, 


    It was invaluable when I was trying to figure out how to deal with a person so mean to his family I was at a complete loss as to how to wrap my mind around it.  It has a long portion on narcissistic parents and the specific type of damage they do to their kids that I especially recommend to Lily and justcat.  I know you lived it and know what it's all about on many levels, but this is written by a psychiastrist that treated hundreds of patients for the damage their NPD person has done to them and has a LOT of great insight imo.  My DH read a lot of it and it helped him understand more than he ever did before about his brother, what drives his brother's destructive actions, and about his own responses that have undermined my husband as a person (and everyone else in the family) largely subconsciously.

    (You've got to figure with over 125 reviews and 5 stars it's got to be helpful for more than just me!)
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from ChickSingah. Show ChickSingah's posts

    Re: Help with a parent who needs care

    Jeeezus, Lilz...  First of all, {{{hugs}}} to you. This actually made me cry...

    You seem ambivalent about whether to help her. First you say, NO WAY she's living with me, but then later on in the post you start to cave, saying you can't let her be homeless and she might just HAVE to live with you. Are you wavering because you're afraid of what your family will think of you if you turn her away? DO NOT let them make you feel guilty about anything. Consider carefully the emotional, financial and physical impact this would have on you and your son if you let this woman live in your home again. You need to take care of yourself - just as you have always had to do, as a direct result of HER abandonment. You need to put your son's needs FIRST here and your own second.

    I honestly think you are under NO obligation to this woman, and she has no right to expect you to help her now, and neither does anyone else in your family. Sure, she's your mother, but she's not your "mom" if you know what I mean. She has never been there for you, and I'm sorry, but that DOES count for something in this life. If it makes you feel better, you can help her in other ways, but make it clear to everyone involved that living with you is NOT an option, not ever, not even for one day.

    There are plenty of services out there for the elderly in this country. You don't know if she's even really sick at this point, because she has lied repeatedly all her life to manipulate you (and others in your family).

    So, here's my advice.  Call Elder Services at 978-975-4547 and ask them where to go for resources for elderly housing and financial advice. Family services might be helpful too - to get your siblings and your mother all together in a room with a mediator to talk about this whole issue.

    Are you seeing a therapist? If not, that might be a good idea too.

    An aside:  my father left my mother with 5 kids under the age of 10 so he could go out drinking and gambling and womanizing.  He was never there for us, didn't even send money for financial support.  Then he comes crawling back when we're all in our twenties, wanting a "relationship" with us. I told him in no uncertain terms, Sorry, Daddy-O, but you'll get nothing from me. I kicked him to the curb, literally. My siblings all thought I was horrible and mean and heartless. I didn't lift a finger for that man throughout his illnesses at the end of his life. I never helped financially, I never visited him, and I never let him in my house. He received the same treatment from me that he afforded me my whole life. And guess what? I am fine with that decision. Like you, I didn't love him and I didn't like him. He was the man who fathered me, NOT a father and certainly never a "dad." I owed him NOTHING.

    Good luck, honey.

    {{{another HUG}}}
    -Chickie
     
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    Re: Help with a parent who needs care

    I have nothing to add, Lily, except sympathy and good wishes. I am sure you will make a humane decision that still protects you and your child.
     
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    Re: Help with a parent who needs care

    Without seeing the original post, but drawing on bits gleaned from other discussions, living with you would be [have been] a disaster.

    My own experience with a somewhat less dyfuntional mother is that it was better for me, for her and for my son that she not live with me. She lived and died ~1,000 miles from my present home. [I offered to find her a place closer to me, but she felt I should move to a warmer place ...] I did not wish her ill, but I didn't want too much to do with her either. Although I knew I was doing my best, I often felt a little guilty for not seeing her more - especially after my sister died. It didn't help that others were praising me as a saint for what I saw as adequately humane behaviour.

    There are options. Take care.
     
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    Re: Help with a parent who needs care

    Lily-

    Please talk to CHC privately. She has a private group elsewhere where you might get some good ideas. That's all I feel free to say here.
     
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  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from chattynewgirl. Show chattynewgirl's posts

    Re: Help with a parent who needs care

    I missed the original post but from reading what others have to say, I would recommend Kargivers book: 
    The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists  also.
    My father was abusive, selfish and hurtful to me and my three sisters.  Once I had children, I became the "bad" sister because I wouldn't bring my children into his life.  I rarely visited and never with the kids.
    He died the way he lived--alone.  I made peace with this by understanding that I didn't make him the way he was, I couldn't change him or control him.  I could only change how I interacted with  him. 
    I refused to take him in (the "good" sisters did too).  It was a good decision. 
    I have forgiven myself!
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Help with a parent who needs care

    Chatty, what an inspiring story!  Loved this statement, "I made peace with this by understanding that I didn't make him the way he was, I couldn't change him or control him.  I could only change how I interacted with  him."

    Thanks for backing my book suggestion.  If nothing else, it hits home so hard that you can't help but feel better for just knowing it's NOT JUST YOU and your family that is dealing with this terrible disorder.  And, to read the behavior patterns and emotional ramifications of all of those patterns in black and white is so validating. I wish I could send one to the OP and to everyone who said they can relate...
     
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  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Help with a parent who needs care

    You're welcome - I really do wish I could send you a copy as a gift.  My heart breaks for you.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from chattynewgirl. Show chattynewgirl's posts

    Re: Help with a parent who needs care

    In Response to Re: Help with a parent who needs care:
    Chatty, what an inspiring story!  Loved this statement, " I made peace with this by understanding that I didn't make him the way he was, I couldn't change him or control him.  I could only change how I interacted with  him. " Thanks for backing my book suggestion.  If nothing else, it hits home so hard that you can't help but feel better for just knowing it's NOT JUST YOU and your family that is dealing with this terrible disorder.  And, to read the behavior patterns and emotional ramifications of all of those patterns in black and white is so validating. I wish I could send one to the OP and to everyone who said they can relate...
    Posted by kargiver

     
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    Re: Help with a parent who needs care

    Thank you Kargiver.  I think the biggest accomplishment (and I hope inspiration) was forgiving myself.
     
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    Re: Help with a parent who needs care

    In Response to Re: Help with a parent who needs care:
    Thank you Kargiver.  I think the biggest accomplishment (and I hope inspiration) was forgiving myself.
    Posted by chattynewgirl

    I totally agree - it's the hardest thing in the world for a sensitive, caring, loving person to work through a relationship like that and forgive themselves for letting go and living the life of freedom you deserve to live.

    ETA:  And, I love your avatar - how apropos.
     
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  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from Inter-Planet. Show Inter-Planet's posts

    Re: Help with a parent who needs care

    In Response to Re: Help with a parent who needs care:
    For anyone dealing with something similar I highly recommend a book that helped me understand what the heck was WRONG with him and to see that I cannot help or change him,  The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists .   Posted by kargiver


    _________________________________

    Thank you kargiver - I am going to get this to hopefully help deal with my ex.
     
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