Losing Friends....and being an idiot

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from MrCorvin. Show MrCorvin's posts

    Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    I was scanning through the piles and piles of comments on today's letter, and I saw someone respond to Porkchop about losing friends when he got married.


    My only relationship/friend issue was that I wish my friends told me I was being an Idiot when I was in Long Distance relationship gaga over She Who Shall Not Be Named. I never really lost friends so to speak, but I have had a couple fade to acquantiences.

    I don't know Mr. Chop's story, and it's probably happened to others, but if you lost friends due to a relationship you chose to be in, did you have any regrets?


     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from wizen. Show wizen's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    One of the saddest things I've ever seen is when a partner dies, and friends drop the new single like a hot potato.  Usually it happens with young widows, but I'm sure it probably happens to widowers as well.  Probably because they don't know what to say, or because a onesie doesn't fit in where everything is based on couples, but it's really really sad, just the same. 

    I saw it happen with my own mother when my father died, and I've seen it happen to others, at exactly the time that they need those friends.  Oddly, they start to drift back as they get divorced or become widowed themselves. 
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from diamondgirl. Show diamondgirl's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    I have lost friends over relationships in three ways so far;


    1. Friends dumped me when I dated an idiot.  Most of them came back when the idiot dumped me.

    2. I dumped friends when I started dating my husband and they were rude to him.  I realized they were jerks and not my real friends. 
    3. Friends dumped me when I married my husband, and I realized they were all ~~~ />--^--:> ~~~ anyway, not my real friends.

    You know, I have started to decide that having people come into your life and leave your life is a normal cycle, and I try really hard not to mind when it happens any more.

    But getting dumped when I got married was pretty depressing.

     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from MrCorvin. Show MrCorvin's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot:
    I was an idiot for a guy and it ended badly.  I never fully forgave my friends who gave me the old 'I told you so' attitude. We all have a negative voice in our heads that tells us how stupid we are/were - the last thing in the world I need is a so called friend saying the same thing.
    Posted by Montyy


    I would have rather my friends have told me in the process "You're being an idiot..."
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    Three men with whom I'd been platonic for 20 years, not their GF ever, dumped me when I got married. Years later they told me they were jealous, that they'd always hoped I'd choose one of them. One got over it, we're friends again. The other two didn't. I've been sad about it for the longest time.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from Archangel Michael. Show Archangel Michael's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot:
    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot : I would have rather my friends have told me in the process "You're being an idiot..."
    Posted by MrCorvin


    Its possible they were trying to and you weren't having it.  I've seen that a lot.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from Empire-In-Ashes. Show Empire-In-Ashes's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    I don't think I've been "around" long enough to having many lost friend stories due to relationships.

    However, I did have one relationship where I was an idiot. My friends didn't dump me, just stayed on the edges of my life until I broke up with her. They only did it because my girlfriend at the time didn't want me hanging out with any of them because of jealousy reasons.

    I would hope that one of my friends could tell me I was being an idiot in compelling argument. I think if they said "You're being an idiot and we think she's wrong for you," I wouldn't take it very well.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from wizen. Show wizen's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    I did lose a friend when she got married.  We were good friends for years, we stayed friends with her after our good friend treated her badly and dumped her, (we kept her and left him) and she even had me do a reading at her wedding, and that's the last time I saw her. 

    Boom!  Ize a wife, I don't need youze no more.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from Gracelan. Show Gracelan's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    Hey, I would like to stick up for the single/unmarried folks here...losing our friendship is not necessarily our fault and it doesn't always have to do with that new spouse of yours not being good enough and you being an idiot.

    A lot of times what happens is that the married person becomes unavailable because of the new person in their life.  If your friendships with your single friends are important, yeah, you may have to make more of an effort to make plans, keep in touch.  Much of the time, I suspect the married people don't really care that much...friendships fade as a normal part of life, and there's already a new "friendship" to fill the void.  They only have enough room for X many people in their lives, and well, now there's a new person.  They start hanging out with the spouse's friends---these people are new and exciting.  And, well, who cares about the old friend? They're not married and don't have anything in common with married people.  They don't "get it."  They're always out partying.  Why bother including them?  Who needs a third/fifth wheel?

    But friendship's a two-way street.  The married people have to reach out to their single friends and show they still value their friendship.  And if this is coming after a year or two of ignoring said single friend, while the wedding was being planned (or whatever), then it's going to require a REALLY forgiving single friend.    Also, single people don't like being invited ONLY to "couples" things, so maybe that's why some of these friends "ditched" the married folks.

    Don't get me started on when the married people start having kids.  Nice knowing ya!
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot:
    I have lost friends over relationships in three ways so far; 1. Friends dumped me when I dated an idiot.  Most of them came back when the idiot dumped me. 2. I dumped friends when I started dating my husband and they were rude to him.  I realized they were jerks and not my real friends.  3. Friends dumped me when I married my husband, and I realized they were all ~~~ />--^--: /> ~~~ anyway, not my real friends. You know, I have started to decide that having people come into your life and leave your life is a normal cycle, and I try really hard not to mind when it happens any more. But getting dumped when I got married was pretty depressing.
    Posted by diamondgirl



    I can't tell you how many times I told my ex-wife to go out with her friends after we married!  First, I can take care of myself. Second, I never wanted her to feel that she had to lose friends because she got married or had kid's....It didn't work, she still blamed me for losing her friends because she never went out with them....

    Laughing
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from wizen. Show wizen's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot:
    Don't get me started on when the married people start having kids.  Nice knowing ya!
    Posted by Gracelan


    Sooooo true!  Fortunately, this phase only lasts about 20 years. 
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from Gracelan. Show Gracelan's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    Only 20 years--that's good.

    I'm going to start referring to baby showers as "friendship funerals."  It would be more appropriate.  And there should be slideshows about the good times during the friendship, instead of games with baby faces.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from MoVa. Show MoVa's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    I had a group of friends, male and female, in my early professional life, some I had even known in college. We had a great time together. As the guys started to couple up, (these were not guys I ever had any romantic interest in at all), the new GF's and then wives, made it very clear that I was not welcome. No weekend canoe trips, no dinner parties, nada. I was no threat, but they perceived me as one. I was sort of cute, but not  brazen , by any means.
    I really had no choice but to move on.
    Divorces and maturity brought some back.
    I welcomed them with open arms.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from StormyMonsoon. Show StormyMonsoon's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    I saw friends disappear after the drama of my divorce ended.  They were there for the worst of it, which I appreciate. But when things stabilized, and, I suspect the "juicy" stories came to an end, they all disappeared.  
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from MrCorvin. Show MrCorvin's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot:
    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot : Its possible they were trying to and you weren't having it.  I've seen that a lot.
    Posted by Schlippo


    Honestly....I had this conversation about 30 times after I dumped She Who Shall Not Be Named.

    MrCorvin: WHy didn't you tell me I was being an idiot?
    Friends: Well we thought being an idiot made you happy, so who were we to butt in?
    MrCorvin: Next time, Corvin, you're being an idiot.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from bostondad_. Show bostondad_'s posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    I lost friends when I got divorced.  Not my close friends - they'll always be my friends.  Not my wife's friends - they became my friends over the years and were smart enough not to choose sides - they remain friends with both of us. 
    The friends I lost were casual friends - married couples, mostly parents.  I'm not sure why they dropped me.  Maybe they thought I was the "bad guy" that caused the divorce.  Maybe they didn't want to have to explain divorce to their own precious little smowflakes.  Maybe the site of me reminded them of their fears that divorce could happen to them too.  I don't know why they dropped me, but a lot of them did, and it hurt. 
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from bzorn22. Show bzorn22's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    Lovers have come and gone and most friends have stuck around. I have never been an idiot about it because I value friendships over most other things. I have broken up with women who did not want me to see a friend. 

     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from a3888b5accef493a59715074b2eb8c72. Show a3888b5accef493a59715074b2eb8c72's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot:
    I had a group of friends, male and female, in my early professional life, some I had even known in college. We had a great time together. As the guys started to couple up, (these were not guys I ever had any romantic interest in at all), the new GF's and then wives, made it very clear that I was not welcome. No weekend canoe trips, no dinner parties, nada. I was no threat, but they perceived me as one. I was sort of cute, but not  brazen , by any means. I really had no choice but to move on. Divorces and maturity brought some back. I welcomed them with open arms.
    Posted by MoVa


    It's because you're a hot little firecracker and they know their men.  YOU might not have had romantic interest in them, but they may have had some in you.

    And I'm so glad you picked the right set of appendages, in that last sentence...
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from diamondgirl. Show diamondgirl's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    Haha, Roger - ask any blog person - I am out without my husband All The Time.  Believe me, I have my own friends.  These were very specific people who were being very specific jackazzes.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from MrCorvin. Show MrCorvin's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot:
    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot : It's because you're a hot little firecracker and they know their men.  YOU might not have had romantic interest in them, but they may have had some in you. And I'm so glad you picked the right set of appendages, in that last sentence...
    Posted by TubThumper


    I was having a debate on something like this on a friend's social network, when she was accused of being intimidating. The debate was is being intimidating a good or bad thing. It was mostly decided it was bad, but unless you are purposely thinking "I am going to intimidate them to get my way..." there's nothing you can do to stop it.

    I think in a lot of relationships, having single female friends is enough to cause the intimidation factor.
     
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  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from bzorn22. Show bzorn22's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    I agree with Sally. Of course if I wanted to get married again or if there were little children involved then things would be different. 

     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from naturalginger. Show naturalginger's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    I've lost friends as I've gained them, usually all around pivotal times in my life. Graduating high school, college, grad school, new jobs, new cities, being single, being in a relationship, living alone, living with a boyfriend, living with roommates...

    There are so many factors that go into it. I've "lost" friends to marriage and kids (but we're still friends on facebook, so, you know, things are cool), but I've also gained friends through new spouses/significants of old friends. 

    As long as I've got good people to surround myself with at the present, I don't bothing dwelling too much about those I've lost from the past or why. We all have our reasons. I've phased people out, and I've been phased out myself. It happens, it's life. When it's abrupt it sucks, but it shouldn't necessarily be unexpected.

     
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from user_4376881. Show user_4376881's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    An interesting and enlightening thread.

    "Friendship funerals".  Yikes.
     
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