Losing Friends....and being an idiot

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from ThatJneenGrrl. Show ThatJneenGrrl's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    Yeah, the new mom thing.

    New moms, even if they make an attempt to stay connected...by the very nature of the reality shift they go through when having a baby, their entire world revolves around this little being and they become obsessed with talking about it and therefore completely boring to the people who are not also in that particular phase.

    It takes a really tight friendship to make it through that, unless you're both going through it within a couple of years of each other.

    The good news is, you can reconnect with people once the kids have moved on to a more independent phase.  Old friends are awesome like that.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from Gracelan. Show Gracelan's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    Yes, J9, that's it exactly.  It's too bad, really, but I guess it's a part of life.  Perhaps "friendship funeral" was a bit too strong.  I haven't really LOST friends this way, but the friendships do seem to change in a permanent way, so yes, in a way a huge part of these friendships are indeed lost.

    Also, I read what Porkchop had said yesterday on the blog (which I believe started this thread) about being very hurt by former friends who just disappeared and now act like they never knew you (complete indifference, as opposed to hatred) once you got married.  That is awful and very hurtful.  But I had just wanted to make a little comment for the other side of the argument, that it is just as hurtful when married or new-parent friends drop you because of the new people (spouse or baby) in their lives.  This doesn't always have to happen, and I have close friendships that will definitely survive those types of life changes.  But, all too often, there are some friends that you just have to let go....because it's part of life.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from diamondgirl. Show diamondgirl's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    Yeah, I don't need to hear about other people's bathroom accomplishments.  I don't care if they are three years old.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from user_4376881. Show user_4376881's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    "Yeah, I don't need to hear about other people's bathroom accomplishments.  I don't care if they are three years old."


    But isn't that what the blog is about from about 11:30am on?
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from MoVa. Show MoVa's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    I can remember my young single self going to a Super Bowl party. One of the young mommies was describing, in excrutiating detail, the most hidious toilet training method I had ever heard. Seriously, call Amnesty International kind of awful. She was almost finished, when some poor soul wandered in to the room and said "what are we talking about". The mommy proceeded to launch into the entire thing again. At that point I said "I'm done" and went in to the room to hang and drink beer with the men.
    That was my last invite to a gathering of that group.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from shoeaholic. Show shoeaholic's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    It goes both ways. My married friends have, for the most part, kept in touch however mostly to invite me to a kiddie birthday party. When the kids are babies, sure I'd go, but now that those kids are a little older and I know I will be the only single person there and sometimes upwards of 20-40 kids I won't go. Mothers will be chasing their kids around or talking about mother things of which I have nothing to contribute to the conversations. So if I'm going to stand alone at a party I'd rather stay home. I try to keep in touch, occasional phone call, email, dinner. I know as the kids get older and things settle down they'll have more time. For now, I'll be there when I can, if they need to vent, even if it is about mommy stuff.
    I have had friends ditch me during a particular rough time in my life (not due to a relationship). That's how you know who your real friends are. I reached out to them for support, they'd take my calls, but not ONE ever called me and asked how I was doing. Instead, used my life as a gossip rag and spread my business around.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    All my loser friends drop off the face of the earth when they're part of a new couple.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from JazzyJtotheILL. Show JazzyJtotheILL's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot:
    All my loser friends drop off the face of the earth when they're part of a new couple.
    Posted by ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink



    all my loser single friends don't bother reaching out to me because i'm in a couple.. they assume i'm too busy. sad truth is - i'm dying to hear from them. it can actually be quite lonely when you're in a relationship and it feels like all you have left is your SO.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from JazzyJtotheILL. Show JazzyJtotheILL's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot:
    It goes both ways. My married friends have, for the most part, kept in touch however mostly to invite me to a kiddie birthday party. When the kids are babies, sure I'd go, but now that those kids are a little older and I know I will be the only single person there and sometimes upwards of 20-40 kids I won't go. Mothers will be chasing their kids around or talking about mother things of which I have nothing to contribute to the conversations. So if I'm going to stand alone at a party I'd rather stay home. I try to keep in touch, occasional phone call, email, dinner. I know as the kids get older and things settle down they'll have more time. For now, I'll be there when I can, if they need to vent, even if it is about mommy stuff. I have had friends ditch me during a particular rough time in my life (not due to a relationship). That's how you know who your real friends are. I reached out to them for support, they'd take my calls, but not ONE ever called me and asked how I was doing. Instead, used my life as a gossip rag and spread my business around.
    Posted by shoeaholic


    I am a new "step mom" .. I kept my distance for a very long time. Now that I am living with him I have to play a bigger part. I am always unsure how to act during parties with moms... i feel like I don't deserve the same respect and story tellings that they do. yet when I try to mingle with the singles, they seem to think I'm more of a mom than I am.. it's tough being in any of these situations for anyone.

    have I ever mentioned that I HATE getting older
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from Archangel Michael. Show Archangel Michael's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot:
    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot : I am a new "step mom" .. I kept my distance for a very long time. Now that I am living with him I have to play a bigger part. I am always unsure how to act during parties with moms... i feel like I don't deserve the same respect and story tellings that they do. yet when I try to mingle with the singles, they seem to think I'm more of a mom than I am.. it's tough being in any of these situations for anyone. have I ever mentioned that I HATE getting older
    Posted by JazzyJtotheILL


    Jazzy, this will change the longer you are in the child's life.  You will end up with your own parenting stories to tell.  I was in a sort of step-parent role (and still kinda am in ways) and I was uncomfortable at first.  I would pick the child up from pre-school and feel weird cos I didn't have any pewp stories. :|  After a while, I had plenty!  Haha, but by the time he was 10 years old and playing hockey, I was just one of the hockey dads, I'd done my time and had my stories, as well as parenting advice to give.

    It won't always be awkward!
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from ygren. Show ygren's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    I feel so alien reading this string. It's OK, but it's just another reminder.

    I lost a few friends, but not many, when I married. My friends did not move to new places when I did and I was moving a bit. No effect on the long distance friends.

    For the local ones, the assumption was that now that I was a real wife, that I would be different from who I was when I was living with him. When I asked how I was different, I was told that I wasn't yet, but once I got the hang of being a good wife I would be. I've changed over the years and a long history with him has undoubtedly been part of that evolution. Still, I'm told that I don't seem married - whatever that means - and it creeps some people out.

    When we moved again, I made new friends - single and coupled - who knew I was married but rarely interracted with me as part of a couple. Some doubted that I was married, but the occasional husband sighting argued in my favor.

    Since my son was born, I've told a few stories on him. I have a picture on my desk. But people began to snipe at me because I didn't carry around pictures to show. Apparently I'm not a real mother either, although my son would disgree

     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from redwolf68. Show redwolf68's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot:
    Yeah, the new mom thing. New moms, even if they make an attempt to stay connected...by the very nature of the reality shift they go through when having a baby, their entire world revolves around this little being and they become obsessed with talking about it and therefore completely boring to the people who are not also in that particular phase. It takes a really tight friendship to make it through that, unless you're both going through it within a couple of years of each other. The good news is, you can reconnect with people once the kids have moved on to a more independent phase.  Old friends are awesome like that.
    Posted by ThatJneenGrrl


    Very true - I think it's the main reason my wife and I have so few friends who have kids.   It's hard to relate to someone who only wants to talk about their kids, and every subject of conversation is how Bobby did the cutest thing today or little Susie is SOOOOO smart that yadda-yadda-yadda.  Most of our friends who are couples don't have kids, and we ourselves don't plan on having any.  It's definitely easier when the kids are old enough to do their own thing and the parents can spare some time for themselves.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from JazzyJtotheILL. Show JazzyJtotheILL's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot:
    I feel so alien reading this string. It's OK, but it's just another reminder. I lost a few friends, but not many, when I married. My friends did not move to new places when I did and I was moving a bit. No effect on the long distance friends. For the local ones, the assumption was that now that I was a real wife, that I would be different from who I was when I was living with him. When I asked how I was different, I was told that I wasn't yet, but once I got the hang of being a good wife I would be. I've changed over the years and a long history with him has undoubtedly been part of that evolution. Still, I'm told that I don't seem married - whatever that means - and it creeps some people out. When we moved again, I made new friends - single and coupled - who knew I was married but rarely interracted with me as part of a couple. Some doubted that I was married, but the occasional husband sighting argued in my favor. Since my son was born, I've told a few stories on him. I have a picture on my desk. But people began to snipe at me because I didn't carry around pictures to show. Apparently I'm not a real mother either, although my son would disgree
    Posted by ygren


    ummm wow. This is just sad. I told Mr. jazz I wouldn't be putting pictures up of his son at work. I'm at work to work.. I don't want people to have ANY feelings one way or another about me raising a child. I think especially as a woman- people view you differently at work if they know you have kids to rush home to or cook for or go see in a play or at a game. They seem to completely disvalue your worth in the market. Its a shame but it's true.

    I hardly hear from anyone anymore. And having two hours of a commute each way (on a good day) exemplifies the feeling of loneliness. I call people.. no one picks up the phone. People think - "oh she won't care if I don't answer, it's just me" but when more than one "just me" happens.. consistently.. it gets hard to handle and smile about.

    I talk to more LL people than I do any of my old friends and family.

    I really wish people would pull themselves out of their own arses for once and realize the affect they have on other people.

    (((ygren))) you ARE a mom and you ARE a wife.. but you are also - a person, friend, daughter, coworker, citizen... etc.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from JazzyJtotheILL. Show JazzyJtotheILL's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot:
    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot : Jazzy, this will change the longer you are in the child's life.  You will end up with your own parenting stories to tell.  I was in a sort of step-parent role (and still kinda am in ways) and I was uncomfortable at first.  I would pick the child up from pre-school and feel weird cos I didn't have any pewp stories. :|  After a while, I had plenty!  Haha, but by the time he was 10 years old and playing hockey, I was just one of the hockey dads, I'd done my time and had my stories, as well as parenting advice to give. It won't always be awkward!
    Posted by Schlippo


    I don't know how I feel about it all.. like, I'm not one for WANTING to share kid stories.. I guess it's just a means of feeling like a part of something or being included right? I could care less about someone's kid's grades or what they do with their friends, etc. So part of me is ok not being "the mom" but then other parts are pulling at every chance I can get to feel a part of something. I honestly feel like I'm in junior high again. in fact, I think I cared less back then. It was cool to be in the out crowd. Now it's like - ok, what do I do to get someone to include me?

    ugh...

    thanks Schlippy
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from Jim-in-Littleton. Show Jim-in-Littleton's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot:
    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot : ummm wow. This is just sad. I told Mr. jazz I wouldn't be putting pictures up of his son at work. I'm at work to work.. I don't want people to have ANY feelings one way or another about me raising a child. I think especially as a woman- people view you differently at work if they know you have kids to rush home to or cook for or go see in a play or at a game. They seem to completely disvalue your worth in the market. Posted by JazzyJtotheILL


    IMO, the whole thing can be a minefield for both men and woman.  If you put up family pics at work it tells your co-workers something about you (even if that something is only that you have a family...).  If you don't put them up people seem to assume that there isn't any spouse/kids to discuss. That minor insight either gives them an opening for office socializing or shuts it down and it works both ways no matter which way you go.

    In my experience, if you put them up you sort of have to go out of your way to make it clear that you have the ability to discuss other things too.  I've seen the same sort of thing play out time and time again with the sports fans that put up things identifying their fav teams. People seem to cease discussing anything else with them. 

    In one of the jobs I had, I didn't put up anything in my cubicle and I found out later that the women assumed that meant I was avaiable (I wasn't) and that in itself became a bit of the office chatter amongst them.  I got asked out by several women that worked there and it was a little uncomfortable (for them and me) having to work with them after declining.  Once the word finally got out that I had a long-term g/f that died down but it was frustrating at the time. 
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from EnjoyEverySandwich. Show EnjoyEverySandwich's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot


    Jazzy:

    Most of the parent conversations that happen are not the my-kid-is-so-awesome stuff; they're really the same as what non-parents discuss with friends:  I'm-having-this-issue-and-I-don't-know-what-to-make-of-it.  It's touching base with other people, trying to find commonalities. 

    I think there are often assumptions that everyone makes that causes us to exclude people -- married people think single friends will find them dull, parents think non-parents don't want to be around them (and their kids), non-parents think that parents only want to talk about parenting.  All of those assumptions are probably true, but only a small fraction of the time.

    For example, a mom of a baby or toddler would probably love to go out for coffee with one of her single girlfriends, but she might need to bring the baby with her.  She might assume that her GF would not be interested in that and not even ask.  Or the GF might assume that having a baby in tow is a major handicap, when really, depending on the child, it's not necessarily an issue. 

    People think bringing up these concerns might hurt the others' feelings, and they stop trying to get together just to avoid conflict.  It's a shame, but, as a card-carrying member of the non-boat-rocking society, I can understand it.

     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from diamondgirl. Show diamondgirl's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    I just dislike having conversations about things that I can't relate to.  Most people do.  If I were speaking with someone, and they took a deep breath and started going on and on about their antique car rebuilding business and the vintage parts they had scored from a junkyard near their house, I would start getting really bored.  It would be totally considered okay to change the subject to something both of us could contribute to.

    But kids are weirdly exempt from this.  They Can't Stop Talking About Them.  I would be happy discussing the weather, or the price of peas, or ANYTHING else!  Pets are like that, too.  No, I don't want to see eighteen pictures of your pugadoodle.  It just looks like a dog.  And I don't have dogs.  Can we talk about the weather?  We both have weather.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from Archangel Michael. Show Archangel Michael's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    Noted: DG does not like talking about pen1ses because she doesn't have one.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from MrCorvin. Show MrCorvin's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot:
    Noted: DG does not like talking about pen1ses because she doesn't have one.
    Posted by Schlippo


    Not even Diamondguy's?
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from Archangel Michael. Show Archangel Michael's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot:
    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot : Not even Diamondguy's?
    Posted by MrCorvin

    In that case, it would depend on the definition of possession.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from ygren. Show ygren's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot:
    (((ygren))) you ARE a mom and you ARE a wife.. but you are also - a person, friend, daughter, coworker, citizen... etc.
    Posted by JazzyJtotheILL


    To be sure. I know what I am. As one of my mentors is fond of saying, I am comfortable in my own skin. [Doesn't mean I'm always thrilled, but I know who I am]

    I don't find that the picture of my son on my desk limits me in this career go-round, but it would have done for the younger, ambitious woman I was in my prior one.

    It always hits me sideways when people express shock when learning something new about me. Like my passions for making quilts, for designing needlework, and cooking.

    Now you are all imagining a cutesy, big-hair lady who shops at WalMart and is all ducks and bunnies and kittens ... Aren't you?Wink
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from JazzyJtotheILL. Show JazzyJtotheILL's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot:
    Jazzy: Most of the parent conversations that happen are not the my-kid-is-so-awesome stuff; they're really the same as what non-parents discuss with friends:  I'm-having-this-issue-and-I-don't-know-what-to-make-of-it.  It's touching base with other people, trying to find commonalities.  I think there are often assumptions that everyone makes that causes us to exclude people -- married people think single friends will find them dull, parents think non-parents don't want to be around them (and their kids), non-parents think that parents only want to talk about parenting.  All of those assumptions are probably true, but only a small fraction of the time. For example, a mom of a baby or toddler would probably love to go out for coffee with one of her single girlfriends, but she might need to bring the baby with her.  She might assume that her GF would not be interested in that and not even ask.  Or the GF might assume that having a baby in tow is a major handicap, when really, depending on the child, it's not necessarily an issue.  People think bringing up these concerns might hurt the others' feelings, and they stop trying to get together just to avoid conflict.  It's a shame, but, as a card-carrying member of the non-boat-rocking society, I can understand it.
    Posted by EnjoyEverySandwich


    I'm a boat rocker.. as you all know.. and I always ask my friends who have babies - why don't you call me? "eh.. I don't know, I assume you don't want to hear about my kids" .. well this might be SOMEWHAT true, but since it's important to you, then yes I do... I'd rather hear than not hear... 

    although I appreciate the consideration, I think it's more of a cop out than anything.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from JazzyJtotheILL. Show JazzyJtotheILL's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot:
    I just dislike having conversations about things that I can't relate to.  Most people do.  If I were speaking with someone, and they took a deep breath and started going on and on about their antique car rebuilding business and the vintage parts they had scored from a junkyard near their house, I would start getting really bored.  It would be totally considered okay to change the subject to something both of us could contribute to. But kids are weirdly exempt from this.  They Can't Stop Talking About Them.  I would be happy discussing the weather, or the price of peas, or ANYTHING else!  Pets are like that, too.  No, I don't want to see eighteen pictures of your pugadoodle.  It just looks like a dog.  And I don't have dogs.  Can we talk about the weather?  We both have weather.
    Posted by diamondgirl


    I'd rather talk about someone's love for insects than something super ficial that we have in common. I like to see what people are passionate about. I mean, it might not be a long conversation but at least it's something I'm learning, even if it's just about my friend's passion for something other than me or our compatible interests.

    I think where it starts to bug me is when it's ONLY about the other person's interests.

    My ex was 7 years older than me.. and all his friends were extremely close. They'd known each other since highschool. So when they all started marrying and popping out babies and buying houses, it's ALL we talked about, singularly and in groups. No one ever said - hey Jazzy, how's work, how are the cats, how are your friends/family.. nope - it was always a listening party for me. Listen. Listen. Listen.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from diamondgirl. Show diamondgirl's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    You are right.  I don't.  It's an icky topic.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from JazzyJtotheILL. Show JazzyJtotheILL's posts

    Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot

    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot:
    In Response to Re: Losing Friends....and being an idiot : To be sure. I know what I am. As one of my mentors is fond of saying, I am comfortable in my own skin. [Doesn't mean I'm always thrilled, but I know who I am] I don't find that the picture of my son on my desk limits me in this career go-round, but it would have done for the younger, ambitious woman I was in my prior one. It always hits me sideways when people express shock when learning something new about me. Like my passions for making quilts, for designing needlework, and cooking. Now you are all imagining a cutesy, big-hair lady who shops at WalMart and is all ducks and bunnies and kittens ... Aren't you?
    Posted by ygren


    hahahha it's like when I tell people I love crafting.. they think I'm too young and fun for it.. Oh, I'm sorry.. I didn't realize only women in their 60s were allowed to do homey things.

    Well - if you know who you are, it still doesn't hurt to hear that others know who you are too :) else, we wouldn't complain when they don't know.
     
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