My ex is an absolute haunt

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from neenee326. Show neenee326's posts

    My ex is an absolute haunt

    Ok, so I could use some help with something, because everything I have tried has not worked.

    Quick history, I was with my ex for 12 years, married for 4 years.  We have a child together.  Been separated for almost 4 years.  He was a chronic liar, manipulator, "user" in every way.

    I have found the "love of my life" and my ex is being a complete haunt.  He doesn't have any friends, never did, other than his "user" buddies.  He calls me all the time, sends me text messages all the time.  He wants to talk about things that are bothering him, health wise and mentally.  I've tried to tell him, I don't want to hear it.  I've tried to "yes" him to death. 

    This morning at 5:12, I received a message from him, telling me he was in the hospital for yet another stupid reason.  He woke up myself and my daughter.  He has been calling me at work all day.  I have told him in the past, not to call me at the office unless it's an absolute emergency.  His idea of an emergency is telling me his brother got a new dog because he had to put the other one down. 

    I need help tryring to rationalize with a complete moron, and I'm out of ideas.  Please help?
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from backbaybabe. Show backbaybabe's posts

    Re: My ex is an absolute haunt

    neenee

    i think you need to sit this man down again, and adamently tell him you 2 are through and that he should should find another shoulder to cry on as your's  has been retired...end of story... you no longer wish to hear anymore from him

    if this doesnt help... i unfortunately think you might need to change your phone #.
    this is harrassment, and if it still doesnt stop, hmmmmm, hate to say it restarining order might be the way to go...

    you have a child to think of, and your safety as well....
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from jdrotten. Show jdrotten's posts

    Re: My ex is an absolute haunt

    That stinks.  It really does sound stalkerish. 

    If he really is a 'user' than I'm guessing a blunt talk with him really may not help.  Like bbb said, it may be time to consider a restraining order.

    best of luck
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from RPS123. Show RPS123's posts

    Re: My ex is an absolute haunt

    I went through this.  Everytime life was good for me, the ex was there to interfere.  Simply stop responding unless it's directly related to the parenting of your child.  End of story.  By responding, you're enabling the behavior.  For example, if it's a true emergency, the hospital will call, not him.  If they call then respond (to the hospital) as it relates to your daughter.  Just keep circling back to that.  Also don't try to interfere with the father/daughter relationship.  If his constant calling is bothering her, she'll tell him.  If she complains to you, you need to let her know it's okay to tell him directly.  If it's something big, then definitely help her with this.  Once again, keeping in that small focused circle of parenting.  He'll get it eventually. 
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from neenee326. Show neenee326's posts

    Re: My ex is an absolute haunt

    Thanks for all the advice. 

    I did try the restraining order when we first split up and the judge would not extend the order, as he didn't feel I feared for my safety.  And didn't feel that my ex was causing myself or my child any imminent danger.  That judge was a complete jerk.

    RPS, I will absolutely try your method.  I don't get in the way of my daughters relationship with her father, as she is still at that age where her Daddy is a superhero.  I've tried to tell him that our communication should only consist of our daughter. 

    I truly hope he does get it soon, as it's starting to have an impact on my relationship.  He always refers to me as "Hon" and my bf caught it.  He was not too pleased.  It's getting to a point where my BF wants to get involved. 
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from LifeLessonsLearned. Show LifeLessonsLearned's posts

    Re: My ex is an absolute haunt

    Question NeeNee - did your ex-husband step up the harassment after you fell in love with someone else? Is his jealousy driving this?

    If he did start new harassment in response to your entering another relationship, maybe you have new grounds to seek another restraining order. I'd consider it. Jealousy is a powerful motive in abuse cases - maybe a judge will listen.

    At work - do you have a direct line, or does he need to go through a switchboard or a receptionist? If he has to go through someone else, you could tell them to never put through any more of his calls.

    At home, can you turn off your ringer at night, and let the answering machine take his calls? Can you do the same thing with your cell?

    An idea occured to me - if you make it impossible for him to simply reach you by phone and in response he starts leaving a slew of messages - well, you've got that pile of messages to enter into evidence when building a case he's harassing you.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from neenee326. Show neenee326's posts

    Re: My ex is an absolute haunt

    LLL, the calls and the text messages have been consistent since we broke up.  He tells me that he has no one else to talk to and since I was with him through all the bad stuff, he feels I am the only person he can talk to.  I try to keep things nuetral for the sake of my daughter, but it's starting to get ridiculous now that I am with someone else. 

    At work - I have a direct line, and since I was working here when we were together, he still has the number.  I do see the number(s) pop up on my console and don't answer them when they come in. 

    I can shut off my cell phone ringer at night.  I usually use my cell as my alarm clock, but I could stop.

    I also can start saving the text messages that he leaves me as well as voice mails.  If they do start to get threatening, I will absolutely take the necessary precautions.  He hasn't gone down the threat road yet, but think it's onkly a matter of time before he does, since I'm ignoring his attempts to comminucate.

    I was just hoping that someone would have some advice on what I could say to get my message across without sounding like I am concerned.  I don't want him to have any kind of upper hand, thinking he is intimidating me, when he kind of is.  I'm just concerned that there is going to be bad blood between my bf and my ex, and that's where it's headed.  The bf sees how upset I get when he calls and it gets him upset.  The ex always seems to call when he has our child and knows I am with my bf. 
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from jdrotten. Show jdrotten's posts

    Re: My ex is an absolute haunt

    "The ex always seems to call when he has our child and knows I am with my bf. "

    Right, since he has your child, you feel the need to pick up...ugh.  I get that, but you know, I'd still let him go to voicemail.   If it's about your daughter, call back.  If it's about anything else, don't.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from diamondgirl. Show diamondgirl's posts

    Re: My ex is an absolute haunt

    NeeNee, I would definitely follow Lils' advice and politely excuse yourself unless the question directly involves your daughter. 

    Don't allow your old habit of indulging his 'emergencies' continue. 


    Good luck; this is hard.  Unfortunately, it is not illegal to be annoying as hell.

     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from BannedAgainBoston. Show BannedAgainBoston's posts

    Re: My ex is an absolute haunt

    NeeNee,

    Your Ex is obviously a "Child", so you should treat him as such.  A tried and true technique for misbehaving children is the "Active Ignore" technique, you completely ignore their behavior; this will result in one of two things: He will stop, or he will up the ante to the point where it results in severe punishment.

    Technology is your friend, you don't even need to do anything.  Set you landline phone to no ring, and the answering machine to mute; you can wait an hour until the instinct to respond subsides, and you will see that 99% of the calls do not merit any response.  Same thing with your Cell, ringer/vibrate off - again 99% of calls and texts will be seen as pointless if you wait.

    If he becomes more obnoxious, this is OK too.  <- That is what we call "allowing him to hang himself".  Good, let him go ballistic, then you have you have your legal out to get a better restraining order.

    The man is a child, he turned you into his surrogate mother.  Stop being his stooge, he feeds off of your torment.  Follow my advice, or the only one to blame will be yourself.

    Good Luck!
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from lovellstrreet. Show lovellstrreet's posts

    Re: My ex is an absolute haunt

    Tell him, "You need counseling.  I can't give it to you.  So call your health insurer and get some recommendations."  Repeat as often as necessary.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from RPS123. Show RPS123's posts

    Re: My ex is an absolute haunt

    Glad I could help neenee.  I didn't mean to imply you got in the way of the father/daughter relationship.  I was working off what you said about him waking her and wasn't sure how crazy it might be driving her too.  Sorry about that.  Just stay strong and consistent no matter what because he can't really argue too long (well maybe he can) with a wall.  Good luck to you.
     
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  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from neenee326. Show neenee326's posts

    Re: My ex is an absolute haunt

    Lily,  No he's not threatening me at all.  I would not jump to a restraining order unless I actually feared for my and my childs life.  Most often the calls start out being about our child, and I am open to those discussion, it's just that they tend to veer off to him wanting to talk about absolutely nothing.  He thinks that we are friends.  I've tried every angle, I've been nice and friendly, which makes him think that he still has a chance, I've been nasty and witchy.  I answer the calls, mainly because he usually wants to talk to our daughter, once he is done with her, he usually asks for me.  I normally take the phone and tell him I am busy and I have to go. 

    I appreciate everyone's advice so far.  I think I can apply a little of what everyone wrote to different situations. 

    I just worry when I get a phone call when he has our child.  And, when I don't answer the phone, he leaves the guilt message, that my daughter wanted to talk to me.  She's 6, and I know she can call me if she really needs me.  But, I do end up feeling guilty.  When I call back to talk to her, she usually says, she didn't ask to call me.  It's a miserable circle.  I know it's all mind manipulation, and I fall into to it each time.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from wizen. Show wizen's posts

    Re: My ex is an absolute haunt

    Just because he has no friends, doesn't mean you have to be one. 

    Tell him you're his ex, not his friend.  If he needs friends, he should make one.  He can call you about the health and safety of your daughter, but all the rest of it, he needs friends for.  If he can't make friends, he needs a therapist.  That's a friend you PAY FOR, so they HAVE to listen to you. 
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from BannedAgainBoston. Show BannedAgainBoston's posts

    Re: My ex is an absolute haunt

    Again, Technology is your friend.  If you have a Cellphone plan, you usually can add a second phone for ~$10-20/month.  Give your kid the Cell when she visits psycho-dad, tell him it is only for her to call you and he is not to use it.  Sometimes ya just have to throw money at the situation.

    The guy is clearly in need of serious psychological counseling.  I knew someone just like him, the "veering off" conversations is a classic ploy.

    The only way to make him stop, is if you stop enabling him.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from BannedAgainBoston. Show BannedAgainBoston's posts

    Re: My ex is an absolute haunt

    I'm wikkkkkid smahhhhhhht
     

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