need advice - dating a person with children

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from Seebell. Show Seebell's posts

    Re: need advice - dating a person with children

    Hi BBB:
    It depends on how long you've been seeing him.  From my experience,  I had to stay out of it until I could understand the situation.  When my boyfirend would do something "out of line" regarding the kids or his Ex - I made a suggestion as to how he should handle it; JUST A SUGGESTION.  When he actually took some suggestions - he told me and said "You were right - it worked and we had a great time"......and I was like "I'm so glad......
    Some suggestions that I had - I kept to myself and was glad after....
    Some suggestions the I gave - didn't help matters.......
    I suppose it's like anything else - you can suggest or do something and it's OKAY TO MAKE A MISTAKE.....mistakes happen.......
    But it's a tough situation - and if you are dealing with them "hands on" it's easy when all is going nicely - but when danger or conflict (if the child is in danger - esplain to the child - if the child doesn't heed your warning/suggestion - then wait for their Dad to get back and tell him.....
    Oh and another thing - if the kids are small - MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T LEAVE YOU WITH THEM ALL THE TIME WHILE HE GOES OFF SOMEWHERE - because then he's using you as a babysitter instead of "family time".

    Good Luck.....it's not easy dealing with someone elses kids - every little thing you say or do goes directly back to his Ex where she can twist it or be jealous and make life difficult for both of you......
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from Seebell. Show Seebell's posts

    Re: need advice - dating a person with children

    If the child makes "snyde remarks" NIP IT IN THE BUD!  He or You should not tolerate any BACK TALK PERIOD.  Once a parent lets the kid talk back and be nasty - then it's almost already too late to teach the kid to NOT TALK BACK.
    If the child is being nasty - the child should be YELLED AT immediately to STOP THAT KIND OF TALK - and say I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THAT and I'm taking you home NOW or something like that...
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from backbaybabe. Show backbaybabe's posts

    Re: need advice - dating a person with children

    In Response to Re: need advice - dating a person with children:
    Well, now you're just teasing us BBB - we are used to hearing about problems in one day and solving them before 5 pm - LL can't wait until August!
    Posted by hsmbs


    tehehehe, HSMBS, its kind of complicated. im hoping i wont need to come back and bother ya'll for advice when we tackle our next situation.

    keep fingers crossed i wont. but if i do, i'll be writing in on the forum
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from Seebell. Show Seebell's posts

    Re: need advice - dating a person with children

    Most parents I've met have said "I wish I could've sent the kid away when they turned 12 yrs old - and not have any contact with the child/children till they turned 21 yrs old."
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from backbaybabe. Show backbaybabe's posts

    Re: need advice - dating a person with children

    OMG... thanks Seebell!!!!!
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from EnjoyEverySandwich. Show EnjoyEverySandwich's posts

    Re: need advice - dating a person with children

    bbb:

    I have a guess about your August potential situation.  The 17 year old is graduating from high school and is thinking of going to college in Boston -- and maybe coming to live with Daddy?   And with Daddy's gorgeous girlfriend?

    That's my guess.

    If my guess is right, that 17 year old should be treating both of you like royalty right now(!) -- and you and CG would be wise to set the tone for what behavior you expect now, before all three of you are under one roof.  (I'm guessing that possibility might be making the current snarky behavior particularly tough to take.)

    Anyway, if my guess is anywhere near right, you have my sincere and heartfelt sympathy!  And early nomination for sainthood.  8^)


     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from backbaybabe. Show backbaybabe's posts

    Re: need advice - dating a person with children

    In Response to Re: need advice - dating a person with children:
    bbb: I have a guess about your August potential situation.  The 17 year old is graduating from high school and is thinking of going to college in Boston -- and maybe coming to live with Daddy?   And with Daddy's gorgeous girlfriend? That's my guess. If my guess is right, that 17 year old should be treating both of you like royalty right now(!) -- and you and CG would be wise to set the tone for what behavior you expect now, before all three of you are under one roof.  (I'm guessing that possibility might be making the current snarky behavior particularly tough to take.) Anyway, if my guess is anywhere near right, you have my sincere and heartfelt sympathy!  And early nomination for sainthood.  8^)
    Posted by EnjoyEverySandwich


    LMAO!! thanks EES. great way to start my day!!!! love it

    unfortunately my condo is too small to allow that.. but i would love to have him/her join us. but you are correct in setting the tone prior....

    the issue come late summer will be more complicated than that. just trying to sort out all variables and preparing ourselves for which one will be chosen.
    good bad or indifferent... we'll see.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from EnjoyEverySandwich. Show EnjoyEverySandwich's posts

    Re: need advice - dating a person with children

    Aw, gee, I thought I'd really nailed it.  ;-)


     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from backbaybabe. Show backbaybabe's posts

    Re: need advice - dating a person with children

    ok, hint: house
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from Another-Veronica. Show Another-Veronica's posts

    Re: need advice - dating a person with children

    ah ha. No kidding -- I was thinking the two of you were thinking about buying a house together?

    I know you didn't want to share any info until later in the year but it's hard to stop something once the ball starts rolling.

    By the way, your avatar today is the closest as you look in real life, in my opinion.
     
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  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from backbaybabe. Show backbaybabe's posts

    Re: need advice - dating a person with children

    In Response to Re: need advice - dating a person with children:
    ah ha. No kidding -- I was thinking the two of you were thinking about buying a house together? I know you didn't want to share any info until later in the year but it's hard to stop something once the ball starts rolling. By the way, your avatar today is the closest as you look in real life, in my opinion.
    Posted by Another-Veronica


    i know AV, its like a slow drip of info here and there... hehehe

    yes, we are already thinking about buying a house together, down the road though....the house in question is his house with his ex, and children live in
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from backbaybabe. Show backbaybabe's posts

    Re: need advice - dating a person with children

    In Response to Re: need advice - dating a person with children:
    B3 - How long did you know kids before your BF moved into your apt? We built a lot of trust and familiarity before coming together. Their dad needs to explain that he is happy, moving forward and wants them to be a positive part of his life. Look...I play the mean ol' daddy while Mrs. V feeds 'em sugar, paints nails and pops popcorn. She raised kids of her own so she has perspective. I enjoy her input about my kids. Why is it again that his kids don't live with him? That 'everyday' thing is a perfect time to build the trust. Intermittent contact makes it tough. You guys are babysitting...not raising kids.
    Posted by valentino--



    Hey Val!!!!!!

    i knew the kids several months before the children knew he was living with me....and to be quite honest, they're totally fine with us living together. as they love to come into town(the 2 younger ones)(and when they do come into town, i stay on the couch and they all stay in my bedroom) and on several occasions ive had the kids without him(basically until he comes home from work)
    we've putzed around town, went to museums, top of the hub visitor center, duck tours...so the kids and i get along great..


    wife won custodial parent

    as for why he doesnt have a place.... that's another long story...

    lost his job last january 1/10, had to move out of apartment, moved into relative's apartment. then we started dating and voila, it just naturally morphed into him living with me...

    i do agree we(or he) are baby sitting not raising... and that is one of the issues i have with him when he sees them... there is very little in guidance/parental input. its more like " lets have fun and not rock any boats while i have them"

    which to me, is not helping the larger picture in instilling good values/ethics/respect .

    so i have been watching from the sidelines
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from jdrotten. Show jdrotten's posts

    Re: need advice - dating a person with children

    I'm heading into the same situation with my girlie, however her kids are much younger.  I can't really offer advise from the significant other standpoint.

    I can offer advise having been a teenager living alone with my father though.  I lived alone with my dad through highschool and had to deal with a parade of his girlfriends.  The ones I resented most were the ones that tried to play my mommy.  It drove me nuts.  I pushed them away.  His girlfriends never had to worry about me disrespecting my father though, he would have beat me severely, ha!

    The ones I got along with the best were the ones who eased into a relationship with me.  I had a couple of his girlfriends actually take me out alone for pizza or whatever.  I really enjoyed that at the time because I could tell they were trying to reach out to me and listen and talk to me.  One of those girlfriends eventually became my step-mom. :)

    Good luck bbb, I feel for ya, it really is a minefield dealing with teenagers.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from backbaybabe. Show backbaybabe's posts

    Re: need advice - dating a person with children

    In Response to Re: need advice - dating a person with children:
    I'm heading into the same situation with my girlie, however her kids are much younger.  I can't really offer advise from the significant other standpoint. I can offer advise having been a teenager living alone with my father though.  I lived alone with my dad through highschool and had to deal with a parade of his girlfriends.  The ones I resented most were the ones that tried to play my mommy.  It drove me nuts.  I pushed them away.  His girlfriends never had to worry about me disrespecting my father though, he would have beat me severely, ha! The ones I got along with the best were the ones who eased into a relationship with me.  I had a couple of his girlfriends actually take me out alone for pizza or whatever.  I really enjoyed that at the time because I could tell they were trying to reach out to me and listen and talk to me.  One of those girlfriends eventually became my step-mom. :) Good luck bbb, I feel for ya, it really is a minefield dealing with teenagers.
    Posted by jdrotten



    Hey JD

    thanks for your input. very helpful

    one thing im quite aware of is that im NOT their mother, nor will i ever be. but if i can be a friend, who happens to care for their father and them, then i'll be a happy person. but right now, i am navigating that minefield very carefully and allowing them and their father make the first moves on how involved i am allowed to be in their lives.not my call but their call...

    thanks JD!!!! good luck on your end as well... Smile
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from cbrevik01. Show cbrevik01's posts

    Re: need advice - dating a person with children

    I started dating my soon to be ex when his daughter was 9, my daughters were 3.5.  His daughter was a spoiled brat, got away with everything, until she started hitting my kids.  I let her have it but he never did.  Felt guilty about the divorce so he never disciplined her.  Her mother just bought her stuff instead of dealing with her, so that just made it worse.  She moved in with us at 16, things didn't get better, she moved out after she dropped out of college.  We got stuck with the bill.  It wasn't totally her fault, neither one of her parents had the  balls to discipline her. 
    Your bf isn't doing those kids any favors by not putting them in their place.  They will never respect him.  Do NOT get involved with any situations, it will not change, he will not listen to you.  My ex and I never fought until problems with his daughter started and I'm telling you, that has a lot do with why we're getting divorced.  I didn't respect him either for not standing up to her and his ex wife and being a man.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from bzorn22. Show bzorn22's posts

    Re: need advice - dating a person with children

    It is very hard to be a disciplinarian when you are not the custodial parent. You see them so infrequently that you don't want to me remembered as the stern one so we tend to overcompensate the other way. A parent has fears of abandonment also. Not one we talk about at all but we become very invested in our children and we fear that in a non-custodial environment our children will grow away from us. What really can trigger this is when our ex gets re-married. The non-custodial parent is always in a very insecure environment.
     
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from backbaybabe. Show backbaybabe's posts

    Re: need advice - dating a person with children

    well, CG and i are very open communicative wise. we discuss anything, and nothing is off limits... we listen to one another and offer whatever advice to the other we can.
    that said, i do say things to him( alone, not in front of the kids) when i see him being steamrolled by the kiddies, and offer my opinions on how possibly it, or he should have handled it..
    and he does heed my voice/suggestion/opinion and has already put some of my suggestions to use/practice when dealingwith the kids or even the ex-wife. as i se things differently than him as an outsider. but again, it comes down to plain old respect of one another, and most importantly an older person, parent, friend, friend's parent. whatevah

    also, i do understand not being THE custodial parent does put a heavy burden of NOT rocking the boat when he sees them. that i totally understand. but what im trying to make him see, is that being the parent also means guiding the children in day to day life experiences. and if that means children  conversing(ie sassing)with their own parent, or god forbid others, he as the parent needs to step up and make them aware of their behavoir.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from bzorn22. Show bzorn22's posts

    Re: need advice - dating a person with children

    In Response to Re: need advice - dating a person with children:
    well, CG and i are very open communicative wise. we discuss anything, and nothing is off limits... we listen to one another and offer whatever advice to the other we can. that said, i do say things to him( alone, not in front of the kids) when i see him being steamrolled by the kiddies, and offer my opinions on how possibly it, or he should have handled it.. and he does heed my voice/suggestion/opinion and has already put some of my suggestions to use/practice when dealingwith the kids or even the ex-wife. as i se things differently than him as an outsider. but again, it comes down to plain old respect of one another, and most importantly an older person, parent, friend, friend's parent. whatevah also, i do understand not being THE custodial parent does put a heavy burden of NOT rocking the boat when he sees them. that i totally understand. but what im trying to make him see, is that being the parent also means guiding the children in day to day life experiences. and if that means children  conversing(ie sassing)with their own parent, or god forbid others, he as the parent needs to step up and make them aware of their behavoir.
    Posted by backbaybabe


    I agree that is what he must do. You have to be a parent all the time. It is what they really need. I hope he communicates with his ex about these issues because a united front is paramount because the little darlings will play one against the other. But if only one of the parents is being an adult then it is very hard
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: need advice - dating a person with children

    In Response to Re: need advice - dating a person with children:
    I started dating my soon to be ex when his daughter was 9, my daughters were 3.5.  His daughter was a spoiled brat, got away with everything, until she started hitting my kids.  I let her have it but he never did.  Felt guilty about the divorce so he never disciplined her.  Her mother just bought her stuff instead of dealing with her, so that just made it worse.  She moved in with us at 16, things didn't get better, she moved out after she dropped out of college.  We got stuck with the bill.  It wasn't totally her fault, neither one of her parents had the  balls to discipline her.  Your bf isn't doing those kids any favors by not putting them in their place.  They will never respect him.  Do NOT get involved with any situations, it will not change, he will not listen to you.  My ex and I never fought until problems with his daughter started and I'm telling you, that has a lot do with why we're getting divorced.  I didn't respect him either for not standing up to her and his ex wife and being a man.
    Posted by cbrevik01


    An older child who should know better hitting toddlers? I would have taken my children and been out of there like a bat out of hell.

    Even though you did read the 9-yr-old the riot act, how could you possibly have stayed? Isn't your loyalty to your children, first? God Forbid the older child did something worse when you weren't looking.

    For shame - on you.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from jh2458. Show jh2458's posts

    Re: need advice - dating a person with children

    Wow, I wish I saw this yesterday, but I married the guy with 3 teenagers and they stay with us one night a week and every other weekend. We are in the same boat and I'm glad we are not alone. I feel for you BBB .The only hope I have at this point is in 2.5 years they will all be off at college (please God) and hopefully grow out of this rude, selfish stage.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from MarketSurfer. Show MarketSurfer's posts

    Re: need advice - dating a person with children

    BBB,

    i have sort of been there, not quite.  Couple of points:

    I would do some family therapy, i have seen it work very well.  I did it with my daughter, and it helped tremendously, to the chagrin of the bwitch.  I know some others where it helped as well.

    I told ex GFs kids that they didn't have to like me, but they had to be respectful.  I told GF this as well.  I also didn't take a bunch of crap from the defiant one, a bit disordered, and that helped for a period of time, but  its also a growing and separation process, especially in late teenage years.

    Second, there is a great book, "I hate you but can you first take me and cheryl to the mall?"  by a family psychologist.  Talks about the teenage phases alot, the reason why today is more difficult without physical punishment that prior generations with physical punishment.

    maybe you and CG can read it together, both learn alot. I read it and understand much better, since it also explains the difference between boys and girls acting out and separation anxiety fits. . .

    BTW, I just started dating a near albino blonde, blondes rule, others drool.




     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from MarketSurfer. Show MarketSurfer's posts

    Re: need advice - dating a person with children

    I forgot to say that my GF tried to influence my daughter through IM and facebook, and daughter didn't like it.  She stopped responding to GF and told me about it.  But she did not want me to interfere to talk to GF about it.  I repsected that wish, and GF doesn't know I know affirmitively.

    So its a difficult, fine line, and it does have its difficulties with more difficult family situations.  I would also recommend to always back up CG, and never criticize him in front of the kids, because that will just reinforce the kids' bad behaviors. . .

    mahket surfah
     
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