Need Some Non-Love Related Advice

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from ElCeeDee. Show ElCeeDee's posts

    Need Some Non-Love Related Advice

    Hello LL Crew,  I am a long time reader, sometimes commenter.  I would like some opinions on how to address something that is baffling/bothering me and hope you can help.  Please bear with me as my story will probably be a bit long due to the background of the situation.

    Two plus years ago, my mom and stepdad ran into some pretty serious financial difficulties due primarily to job loss.  My husband and I discussed the situation and lent them $15k, without them having asked.  Probably mostly out of pride, my parents did not want to accept, but ultimately did.  We assured them that they could take as long as needed to pay the money back.  Fast forward about six or so months from that time, my mother was diagnosed with extensive small cell lung cancer.  Needless to say, finances only became worse and the focus for all of us was my mom's survival.   In spite of everything going on, my mom and dad always mentioned the pressure they felt to pay us back.  We in turn always said they didn't need to worry about it and could pay us back when they could.  My mom was thankfully in remission for about a year and half.  When we learned that her cancer had returned (discovered while she came to town to visit for Thanksgiving) we took immediate steps to relocate her and my dad (moving into our house) so that she could receive treatments. Throughout this process they discussed that as soon as they sold their home in TN they would pay back the money they owed us.  Shockingly, my mother succumbed to cancer on Christmas day, essentially less than month after she simply came to town to visit.  It has been a long, sad winter..

    In the midst of our devastation at having lost our matriarch, we proceeded with the plans as agreed up and wished for prior to her passing.   

    Ultimately, and I apologize again for this being so lengthy, my dad received money from two life insurance policies and sold their home, and received the proceeds from that sale.  He is living with us with essentially no expenses.  Despite the above he has made neither mention, nor attempt to pay back to the $15k.   It is so baffling to me that I can't think how to, or if I should even address the topic.  I heard consistently for over two years how much they wanted to be able to pay us back and now that he has the financial ability to do so, he hasn't made the effort.   I thought the fact that I got laid off from work last week might have triggered the impulse to pay us back, but nope, nothing. 

    At the end of the day, I would rather have my mother here, fully supporting the both of them if needed, but I just can't shake a slight feeling of slight resentment.  It's not about the money, really, but more about sort of feeling taken advantage of?

    Am I crazy/wrong to be feeling this way?   Does anybody have any thoughts on if/how to approach this?

    I sincerely appreciate any advice.

    Thanks!
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from WillDeerborn-of-Gilead. Show WillDeerborn-of-Gilead's posts

    Re: Need Some Non-Love Related Advice

    If it's truly not about the money I'd just let it go and not say anything about it. You have consistently told them not to worry about when they pay it back. I've gotten used to "loaning" people money knowing I'll never get it back. Unless you really need it don't ask. I'm guessing he'll probably get around to giving it to you eventually. You sound like you had a great relationship with your parents, just let it go.

    I know you just lost your mother but he just lost his lifelong partner. I'm sure financial obligations are not on the top of his mind these days. After all our parents did for you growing up the least we can do to repay them is to support them in their old age to the best of our abilities.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

    Re: Need Some Non-Love Related Advice

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom and the pains you and your family have been going through these last couple of years. You sound like a wonderful daughter to have really come through in a time of need. This is what "family" is all about.

    I have to say, Christmas was not that long ago. Your father just lost the love of his love, and I'd be willing to say that no matter what he focused on prior to her loss, he hasn't even been thinking about it since she passed.

    I honestly think you should just give it a little time. You've gone for years without the money, so unless there are pressing factors which requires some pocket lining, let everyone continue their grieving process, without the interruption of settling past debts.

    There's a chance you could never see the money, but I don't think that's likely, given the short family dynamic. If he still hasn't made mention of it by fall, I think that's a safe window of time to make a simple request for repayment.

    But just put it out of your mind for now. You lost your mother. You're with your father. Find comfort and love in each other until you're both in a better place.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from Nut-Shell. Show Nut-Shell's posts

    Re: Need Some Non-Love Related Advice

    Dear ElCeeDee,

    I'm so sorry for your loss -  such a sad time in all of your lives.

    You are not crazy.  It's just a crazy time in your life.

    I also loan money often because I like to help when I can, but I always keep in mind that I may never see it again.  Harder to do with larger amounts, but I wouldn't loan the cash without at least considering that as a potential outcome.  That doesn't mean I don't feel a bit taken advantage of if someone stretches out repayment without discussing with me.

    Since you had repayment conversations in the past, I think I'd cut a little slack for now.  As Will said, financial obligations may be the furthest thing from your dad's mind right now.  If the time comes when money starts getting tight due to your unemployment, then use that as the catalyst for a convo with your dad. 

    Good luck, and sorry again for your devastating loss.
     
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  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from TheRealJBar. Show TheRealJBar's posts

    Re: Need Some Non-Love Related Advice

    ElCeeDee, I was going to give you my answer, then I read these posts, and I realized that, while I have the soul of an accountant, I wasn't seeing the entire picture.  Will, Dimmy, Nut-Shell and CHC are right.  Don't say anything right now.  Help your Dad through his loss and let him help you through yours.  I see that you were laid off so there may come a time that the money will become an issue.  Your Dad will see that and he will do the right thing.  You mentioned at first he was your step-Dad right?  But I think he's been your "Dad" though for a long time.  He and your Mom raised an incredibly loyal, "devoted to family" daughter so his ethics have to be as awesome as yours. 

    Please don't feel guilty about feeling resentment.  It's human nature LCD.  BTW for what it's worth, it sounds like you have one hell of a fine husband too.  Focus on the good things in your life, be thankful that you were able to help your Mom in such a meaningful way, and take very good care of yourself.  The rest will sort itself out.
     
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  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from PowerCord. Show PowerCord's posts

    Re: Need Some Non-Love Related Advice

    I'm sorry.  I've lost several family members recently, so I understand.
    Karma will take care of you.  You did the right thing.  When the time comes, if you find yourself in a bind, I'm sure you'll be taken care of.

    Meanwhile, enjoy your family.  Give your stepdad a hug.


     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from ElCeeDee. Show ElCeeDee's posts

    Re: Need Some Non-Love Related Advice

    Thank you all so much for your wonderful comments and advice.  It certainly helped me to get this off my chest.   To answer CHC's question - we have had conversations about the day to day expenses so that is all set.  I am not afraid to have the money conversation, I just don't want to push the issue when it sincerely isn't about the money...just the feeling.  In any case, I think it is wise to give some more time from my mother's passing.  I am still reeling and I guess the lack of a job is giving too much time to think about things.

    Again, my sincere thanks.  I'm glad I posted and appreciate you taking the time to respond.

    P.S. JBar...I do have a wonderful husband, he has been a complete rock - in the good way :o)
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from TwoCentDonation. Show TwoCentDonation's posts

    Re: Need Some Non-Love Related Advice

    ElCeeDee, I am so sorry for your loss!  My heart goes out to your family.  Along with everyone else, I would hold off on this discussion.  Grief is a weird thing - it causes people to act in strange ways, so that could be why your dad hasn't mentioned anything.  Also, while it is completely natural for you to feel some resentment, your feelings may be amplified because YOU are grieving, both for you mom and for your job.

    *hugs*
     
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  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e. Show 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e's posts

    Re: Need Some Non-Love Related Advice

    First, I am so very sorry for your loss. It's a big one.

    I have a little different view, perhaps because I'm older. I'm not sure how old your step-dad is but it is possible that he sees the loan differently than you do and it is also possible that your mom explained it to him privately in a way that is different from what you think was the agreement. I think it's possible that if you pressed the money on them, unasked, and then, every time it's been brought up, said that there's no reason to deal with it now, then he may have no expectation of paying you back. If you had said, every time it's been mentioned, something about expecting a payment within a few months of the sale of the house, i.e. something specific, then I think that might be more recognizable to him as a debt. If you add the that the message that you are currently supporting him, I think he may be not thinking at all about funds flowing in your direction. I don't think it comes from selfishness, and grief may well play a role, but it may just not occur to him to cut a check for the 15K.

    I think you have to decide if you want the money back or not. If you don't want it back and consider it a mitzvah, then you've got to get over feeling offended that it hasn't occured to him that he has a debt. If you do want it back then you've got to sit him down and remind him of the loan and tell him you want to have a conversation about how to handle it.

    The loan/gift was in many ways a gift to your mother, once you realized you wouldn't press to collect when she was diagnosed with cancer. Perhaps knowing that you eased her last few years will be enough, if you don't truly need the money for your own needs.

    I hope this helps. You sound like a wonderful daughter and a good woman.
     

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