Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from TwoCentDonation. Show TwoCentDonation's posts

    Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    Good morning all!

    I've got something of an etiquette question.  I found out that an acquaintance of mine who's married and older was pressuring Mr. Cent to propose to me at a recent get together.  She was good naturedly asking him when he was going to pop the question.  I wasn't in the room, so I didn't find out about it until after.  And, if I had been there, I would have felt uncomfortable as well.  I know she's did this because she likes Mr. Cent and thinks we're a good couple, so it isn't out of jealousy or anything like that.  But, it is still annoying.

    So, how do I handle this?  Should I talk with her privately before the next get-together?  I imagine she'll get defensive and annoying about it, although it'll only  last as long as the conversation about it.  Or, should we give a snappy comeback the next time she starts?

    P.S.  For anyone who does this to their single friends: STOP IT!  It's annoying and uncomfortable.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from PowerCord. Show PowerCord's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    If this was the first time she did it, I'd let it slide for now, but if she does it again, just tell her you're flattered she thinks you guys are so good together, but talking about it is embarrassing.  I think she'll understand.


    Or you could just say you're waiting for his brother to get out of prison.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from TwoCentDonation. Show TwoCentDonation's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    Thanks, PC!!

    Any thoughts for how to get out of the conversation when it's happening?  Maybe I'm a pessimist, but I don't think she'll stop after either of us say, "We're not ready to get engaged."

    Assuming, of course, we forget to work the prison angle...
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from two-sheds. Show two-sheds's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    One thing I'm not clear on:  Was she good-natured or pressuring him?  They seem to be mutual exclusive in my book.   I guess she could be trying to pressure him in a good-natured manner.  This sounds more passive aggressive to me, though.  Or, she could have been just trying to be funny without really any meaning behind it.  Perhaps insensitive, but not unusual.

    I’d recommend just answering briefly, and changing the subject.  "We're not ready to get engaged.  Did you see the game, yesterday?”  If this doesn’t work then just be frank: “Seriously, we are happy, it works for us, and I don’t see a need to discuss it any more”.

    No matter where you are in life you get these sorts of questions:

    Dating awhile – “When are you getting married?”

    Married – “When are you having kids?”

    One kid – “Are going to have any more kids?”

    Done having kids – “It’s been a good year for the roses”

    For the most part, people are just making conversation.  These events are generally considered joyous, so it should be a safe and happy thing to talk about.   Sometimes, though, it isn’t.  Imaging being asked about kids if you’ve been trying but have been unable.   In your case, if the people aren’t being judgmental, you may just have to grin and bear some of it. 

    Snappy comments are always good, too, though.

     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from TwoCentDonation. Show TwoCentDonation's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    I think it was good-natured - I wasn't there, but knowing as I do I don't think there was any malice behind it at all.  I think she just genuinely thinks comments like that are ok and doesn't see how they might be received.  And the age difference may be a factor - maybe she feels that as the elder she can pressure us to get married.  I don't know.

    But, your comment about it being passive aggressive is interesting.  I mean, in a certain way, it could feel like a form of soft bullying.

    Of course, I suppose bugging him about when he's going to propose is better than her asking him why I haven't dumped him yet ;P
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from sexual-chocolate. Show sexual-chocolate's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    TwoCent,
    Like twosheds said, people like to be nosey about each of stereotypical steps in life, and usually you'd just say "we arent ready yet etc, etc" and move on and you dont think twice about it.  I definitely get the annoyance part of it and that its none of her business.  I could be off base here but I'm wondering if maybe she's hitting a sensitive nerve here with you and thats why its bugging you so much?     
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from TwoCentDonation. Show TwoCentDonation's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    Sensitive in terms of getting engaged, no.  Sensitive in terms of her getting on my nerves, yes, as she's done so in the past.

    She's one of those people who's very much inside the box, and when someone is outside the box she'll make fun of them.  There have been a few times when I've said something that runs counter to the norm, and while it's something minor (I'm not talking about religion or politics) she'll tend to make fun of me.  It feels like she's threatened or insecure when someone isn't like her.  Or she just thinks "everyone does this so why aren't you doing this?  What's wrong with you?"

    Also, I really don't like that she made Mr. Cent uncomfortable to the point where he's hesitant to continue going to get togethers where she'll be there.  And, if he doesn't come along with me I'll get grief from her about why he isn't there.

    Some of my problem may also be that I tend to be very literal.  Even if someone asks in jest when we're getting married my first inclination is to answer honestly and earnestly.  Plus, I have people pleasing tendencies so it's hard for me to let these things roll off my back, or to be assertive in a nice way and tell them to shush.  I've got a temper so my first impulse is to get cranky.

    As for bowing out of the get togethers, that would be a bit tricky for me.  It's one of those things where I kind of have to go due to mutual friends, etc.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from two-sheds. Show two-sheds's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    This is sounding like far more than just making conversation.  She's beginning to sound like a judgmental PIA.  Your choices are

    - avoid her
    - confront her
    - sit there and smile

    i'd go with #2, but I predict she is well aware of what she's doing and she really doesn't care.  You may have to tell her repeated to shut up before it starts having an affect.  (By then you'll probably be engaged, anyway).
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from yogafriend. Show yogafriend's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    You can't change who you are, but I think you would benefit by lightening up a bit, TCD.   It doesn't mean you have to adjust your personality, just use your charm and wit in a good way!  

    I have to agree with Two Sheds, this is just party convo for some people.  Nothing more.  Gossip.  Simple and basic.   She would say or do this to ANYONE, so don't feel singled out. 

    She is who she is, and you can read her like a book.  You know her MO, so take advantage of that.  Maybe she needs someone to just put her in her place ... until next time.

    Look, I have kitties for pets, so I am used to repeating myself.   Smile

    And it sounds like she knows how to push your buttons ... so why not give her a little run for her money?   She has fun pushing your buttons, and when you show it bothers you, it's even more fun for her, from the sound of it.  She sounds very controlling. 

    If she tries it again, say the truth which is "we're happy with our current situation, we're having a wonderful time together, he's a keeper, but other than that, I got nuthin for ya!"  Then change the subject or go get a drink!! 
    Keep it light.
     
    I would let that first incident slide.   From what you have said, she probably forgot all about it. 

    Bottom line: I think you know this sort of comment is very common.  Just like couples who get asked when they are going to have a baby, which is very, very rude, too.   But sometimes, the remarks do hit a nerve ... you realize that other people are passing judgemet on your life, and that is an uneasy feeling.  Don't take it seriously, it's not worth it.  
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from sexual-chocolate. Show sexual-chocolate's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    If you are invested in going to these functions, then I dont think you can get out of the conversation without it coming back up again and again until you've addressed her fixation with you.  If you dont address it, she wins. She drives you nuts, makes you cranky, and you've lost Mr. Cent at these functions. 

    You could answer her probing questions with probing questions (i.e "you seem very stressed out about us getting married, why is that") until you get to the bottom of it, or you could over-ride the part of you that is people pleasing and say something.  Think about the situation, what would a polite, yet assertive person say to this pain in the @$$?     

     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from TwoCentDonation. Show TwoCentDonation's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    Hmmm.... Thanks, guys!  I'm not sure she's deliberately bullying or judging, but I think she simply fails to understand people who are outside the norm, and that she fails to understand that pushy questions like this are intrusive and rude.  i'm sure she thinks it's perfectly normal and fine :/

    I think I'll go with a combo of Choco-Sex's and PC's approach.  In the moment smile and ask, "Why do you ask?" and afterwards tell to her privately that while I'm flattered it's really uncomfortable to be put on the spot.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from -Cariokie. Show -Cariokie's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    Putting a Southern twist on PC's suggestion in his first post, you could say that he's in prison and has no teeth...
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    Mr. Cosmo and I were together 12+ years before we got married, so whenever someone asked us, I would reply:
     
    "Don't you think that shacking-up sex is SO much hotter than married sex?"

    or

    "We're selling advertising in the wedding programs to help pay for it.  Would you like to buy a page?"

    or

    "We've only been together XX years.  Why rush into anything?"

    If you're taking it so seriously, and feeling like she's "pressuring" you instead of teasing you or just making a general comment, and/or Mr. TCD doesn't want to attend anymore because of it, then you both need to shrug it off.  People make stupid comments throughout your whole life.  You can't control them but you can control how you react to them.

    So, when are you having kids?
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from BannedAgainBoston. Show BannedAgainBoston's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    Never been in anything close to the situation.

    It's always been one of two things that the Mrs and I usually end up saying:

    1) "He/She is totally Crazy/Dysfunctional/Incompatible, why the heck would you want to Marry him/her?!?!?!"... [this is usually in the case of warning certain close friends/relatives about a particular "outsider"]

    2) or if we know that #1 is *True* about someone we know closely, we do nothing to warn the outsider.  Then later after months/years of amusement, when the "outsider" complains, we usually laugh and say "What do you want from us???  For some reason you actually thought it was a good idea to marry them!!!".

    Strange how the Mrs and I have never actually had an instance where we thought it was sensible to tell someone they should marry somebody.  Not because we are jaded on Marriage, but pretty much everybody we know is insane in some regard...
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from TwoCentDonation. Show TwoCentDonation's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    I think some of the issue is she isn't asking casually.  She's doing it in a way that puts you on the spot... And in front of others.  It'd be completely different if it was just me and her and she asked, "So, how are things going?" and there wasn't any criticism if I said things are fine and no engagement on the horizon.  Instead, it's in that annoying, "So, shouldn't you be proposing soon?" tone.

    I think also some of our annoyance is we were caught off guard.  We're not accustomed to people asking us nosy, pushy questions like that.

    Also, her personality is just the type that rubs against mine.  I'd go into more detail if this wasn't a public forum.

    Sorry if you all think we need to lighten up.  I'm beginning to see how some LWs might feel.  It's difficult to fully convey what's going on through writing alone.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from -Cariokie. Show -Cariokie's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    TwoCent, does she know how long you and Mr TwoCent have been together? Can you take her aside and the next gathering and tell her in a non-confrontational way that you're really uncomfortable when she asks you that and if and when that day comes, she'll know... (eventually)?
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from LWhitt58. Show LWhitt58's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    TCD, perhaps a simple and breezy "When we know, we'll let you know!" and a change of subject would work.

    Or, if you want to be a little mean "When we know, you'll be the last to know!"  (j/k!)
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from TwoCentDonation. Show TwoCentDonation's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    Cari - Yes, she knows how long we've been together.  I am thinking of taking PC's approach and letting the first instance slide, but if it happens again I'll talk to her privately, and nicely.  I may also try to jog her memory about what it's like to be single and ask if she would have appreciated these sorts of queries.

    She is very nice, but every now and then something like this happens.  In the past I've just ignored it, but it also affected only me.  I was pretty irritated when Mr. Cent told me about it (weeks after).  He's a newcomer to the group, and her relationship with him isn't as established, so he really was being put on the spot.

    LWhitt - Maybe Mr. Cent and I will practice saying that this weekend :)  The first one, that is ;)
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from TwoCentDonation. Show TwoCentDonation's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    Thanks for all the help, guys!  I knew I could count on you :)

    I'm heading out for the day...  See you all tomorrow!
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from TheRealJBar. Show TheRealJBar's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    Probably too late for this post, but I get this question too sometimes.  And like Cosmo, Mr. JBar and I have been together 13+ years.  My usual response to the question is a raised eyebrow, a snicker, and a "Wow, what a personal question!".  Nothing else needed. 
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from TwoCentDonation. Show TwoCentDonation's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    Hi JBar - checking on things while listening to a conference call.  If she gets to be too much I'll take your approach.  Or maybe make like the Etiquette Grrls and just stony stare...
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from diamondgirl. Show diamondgirl's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    Plus, when you DO get married, people start asking you when you are going to start having kids, like you are some sort of brood animal. 


    People have completely lost the fact that Just Because Something Is Kindly Meant Does Not Mean It Is Any Of Your Evving Business.  That is why God invented weather; so we would have something to talk about that does not involve other people's sex lives.

     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from TwoCentDonation. Show TwoCentDonation's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    Maybe we can tell her we're getting married once the rash clears up....

    Or maybe we can say we're waiting for my eggs to dry up so we don't have to worry about having children.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from redwolf68. Show redwolf68's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    Yeah, that's incredibly annoying.  I find people who can't wrap their heads around the concept of not following the herd process of school-marriage-kids to the letter to be a waste of my time.  (That being said, I don't understand why some people prefer to have kids without the benefit of marriage, knowing our society's ridiculous stigma of such things - before a certain religion came along and ruined everything, in ancient Celtic society there were 9 kinds of marriage, all of which produced legitimate children, and it ought to still be the same way now, but since we're stuck with this particular problem...)  My wife gets this stuff all the time; if she says "We don't want children," somebody just has to say "Oh, you'll change your mind."  I find that as offensive as someone who tells a lesbian woman that she "just hasn't met the right man yet."  No, we really DON'T want children; sorry to disappoint you.  It's not just that we can't really afford them, it's also sort of selfish - I like that we have the freedom to do as we wish, live where we want (and move without needing to worry about putting the kids in a different school, or any of that stuff), and to come and go as we please.  In fact, I have a bumper sticker that we put up on the fridge which reads "Cats, Not Kids."

    Yes, folks, I'm back for a bit.  Just having a wee bit of fun before getting back into my daily duties.  Laterz...
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from diamondgirl. Show diamondgirl's posts

    Re: Putting the kibosh on marriage talk?

    Or maybe we ARE following, but are having sad circumstances, like waiting for grief to subside after a family death, or infertility, or religious differences, or lack of money, or ANYTHING in the whole world that it is none of anyone's business to have to explain it to the world every time some person asks about it. 

     

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