What kind of "friend" says this?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from PowerCord. Show PowerCord's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    Dimmy,

    If it were me, I would be asking you what you'd like to be in the wedding.
    You can't be best man, but you would at least sit at the head table and do shots with me.  That's what best friends do.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from PowerCord. Show PowerCord's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    Question.  What mind altering substance was he under the infuence of when he said this?
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e. Show 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    Wow. Sorry.

    Sometimes people say stupid stuff without realizing how they sound or what they are actually saying. I guess I'd look at the whole picture of his friendship and think about whether there are more plusses than minuses or vice versa and decide to distance or not distance based on that.

    If I had a nickel for every obnoxious or obtuse thing said by my relatives or inlaws that i've had to let pass by because they are otherwise really good people, I'd have a boot sock full of change.

    Saying something like that about a future condition that might not ever happen seems kind of sad, as if he is trying to find power and control in some symbolic way when perhaps he feels none in his life right now.

    If you like him otherwise, maybe you should just tell him that his philosophizing really hurt your feelings and to please not share any more of these fantasy decisions.

    Hope this helps.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from MarketSurfer. Show MarketSurfer's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    Dimmy,

    It was a pleasure meeting you at the rattlesnake, but as a guy, i can understand his viewpoint and statement, and you may have missed many signals from him in that respect, but i am uncertain as to how you are looking at him.

    If you were looking at him with future exclusive partner potential, then he is telling you indirectly, and immaturely, that that thought should not exist in your head.

    But if you were looking at him as a platonic friend, and possibly FFIB, friends for immediate benefit, then he is telling you that is OK, but exclusivity is not an option. . . that's all. 

    I think that you need to personally place guys in two camps, platonic and exclusive potential.  Exclusive potential has time limits and has talks about the future together and should never last more than 1 year or so in LIMBO.   Platonic is never FWB and never has exclusive potential. . . And FWB must disappear after someone is exclusive or married to someone else.

    but then again, i don't have enough girl information to give my best supportive answer.  It hurts, and i am sorry, it sucks, but that is the best part of the human existance, because when its great, its really great!
     
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  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from bzorn22. Show bzorn22's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    Dimmy,

    I have been married three times and engaged two others. I have lived with three women other than the ones I was married and engaged to. They are all gone. I have three old friends who are still around after all that time. One is male and two are female. Where I to have that questipon posed to me I would choose the friend over and over again. A good friend is forever. And far more valuable. Sorry to say Dimmy it sounds to me like this guy has no understanding of friendship.


     
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from suigneriss. Show suigneriss's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    Oh look, I find myself venturing off to the right side of my LL screen again...nice!

    Dimmy,

    I only read the 1st page of comments (which were all great) and do not know if this theory was already presented, so excuse the redundancy, but it may be possible that he has deeper feelings for you then you are aware of.

    I've interpreted your statements about him to mean that he can be a bit narcissistic. Couple this with the belief that he controls the direction of your relationship and this may be his selfishly unconventional way of getting YOU to take the initiative to move the relationship to the next level. It's like he knows how you feel about him and uses this knowledge to instill fear. Maybe he thinks if he preemptively presents the idea that you can easily be replaced, you'll panic and confess your love for him and ask to be the real life version of the 'imagineray GF' that he speaks of.

    If this is the case, he is immature, selfish, silly, and not deserving of you as either a friend nor a GF. You woudln't want to date someone so conniving anyway.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from maggieagnes. Show maggieagnes's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this?:
    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this? : ?? He has a very standoffish attitude - this is not debatable to him. He has simply decided this is how it's going to be, should the issue ever arise, even though he 'wants me in his life forever' From my past experience with him, this wouldn't be about setting boundaries with a new girlfriend, it's about making sure I know my station in his life. That's another aspect of our friendship that's wearing on me, our friendship is on when he says it's on, but when he's distracted by other people or events, I'm a bother.
    Posted by ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink



    He is not a friend....
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this?:
    Wow, Dimmy, what a thoughtless, callous, heartless thing for a friend to say.  I'd hate to think he really meant it.  I wonder what even made him bring up this rhetorical situation. My first thoughts are he's possibly: clueless crass into you not really good at verbal expression socially stunted. My reactions might be humor, one-up-manship, or re-evaluate the whole friendship entirely.  I'd probably respond with something like "Really?  Cuz I'd trade you for a decent margarita." or..... "Yeah, like you'd ever get a girlfriend." 
    Posted by wizen


    Thanks, Wizen - yeah, I hate to think he really meant it to, but I'm going to listen to his words and disregard his actions.
    I reconsidered the whole friendship. I need friends I can count on to be there, not count on to disappoint.

    Should he ever ask, he'll get a nice crack sent his way. ;-)
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this?:
    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this? : I know - but you know you need to have him out of your life.  Otherwise, you'll just still continue to hurt like you have been.
    Posted by LWhitt58


    I know, I can't wait to speed up this uck feeling and get to the liberating I didn't need a friend like that anyway phase!
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this?:
    Dimmy--I would definitely advise against committing a holding penalty here.  From the sounds of this "friendship", it seems to me that the only thing you'd do is hold yourself back. What advice would you give an LW that wrote in the following about their relationship with their "best friend": From my past experience with him, this wouldn't be about setting boundaries with a new girlfriend, it's about making sure I know my station in his life. That's another aspect of our friendship that's wearing on me, our friendship is on when he says it's on, but when he's distracted by other people or events, I'm a bother He's always tearing me down. Over the last year I started asking myself what this friend did for me - and the answer is summarily; nothing And yes, the friendship is mostly on his terms. It's definitely a power struggle I've done the pros and cons before. And then been made promises of better friendship. If I keep believing that malarky, I only have myself to blame. he's been content with treating me like dirt, because his 'best friend' is always there regardless when I finally got around to asking myself what good he brings in my life, I was hard-pressed for an answer other than 'he's fun to have a drink with...' it's all talk only. A call to action delivers absence. Signed:  Who Says That? Dimmy, you also said : "And I keep wanting to see a 'lesson learned' in this friendship, even though I'm not sure there is one"  There is one, and you are starting to see it.  It has to do with respecting yourself, and receiving that same respect from the people around you.  And as an additional comment, I add: Not a good idea to stay in a bad relationship of any kind if you're keeping it going just so you can learn a lesson. If you want to create the sound and fury that will reverberate throughout his mind, try complete silence.  YOU know why you have to walk away.  He'll just be left wondering. CB Have Flag.  Will Travel. PS.  I recommend hitting him with the gatorade container on your way off the field.  He'll have his helmet off, it hurts more than the football, and it's pretty clear the clue-by-four isn't going to work.
    Posted by cb156


    Ugh. Thanks, you're right. You pulled on me the thing I always pull on all my friends. And I keep looking at my own words and feeling like I should've started writing down my feelings a long time ago.

    I'll let his imaginary girlfriend beat him up; that's not my style ;-)

    And I can resign myself to feeling like that only thing I got out of this was some good memories. Sometimes that's all you need.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this?:
    Dimmy, If it were me, I would be asking you what you'd like to be in the wedding. You can't be best man, but you would at least sit at the head table and do shots with me.  That's what best friends do.
    Posted by PowerCord


    Right, PC?!?! What the hell... that's always the kind of friendship I thought we had. The whole Aunty/Uncle to the kids thing. I guess I was like living in my own head.
     
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    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this?:
    Question.  What mind altering substance was he under the infuence of when he said this?
    Posted by PowerCord


    Ha! I asked him if he'd been drinking. He said "earlier"  lol
    He was probably high
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this?:
    Wow. Sorry. Sometimes people say stupid stuff without realizing how they sound or what they are actually saying. I guess I'd look at the whole picture of his friendship and think about whether there are more plusses than minuses or vice versa and decide to distance or not distance based on that. If I had a nickel for every obnoxious or obtuse thing said by my relatives or inlaws that i've had to let pass by because they are otherwise really good people, I'd have a boot sock full of change. Saying something like that about a future condition that might not ever happen seems kind of sad, as if he is trying to find power and control in some symbolic way when perhaps he feels none in his life right now. If you like him otherwise, maybe you should just tell him that his philosophizing really hurt your feelings and to please not share any more of these fantasy decisions. Hope this helps.
    Posted by Green-Mountain-Views


    It's true, GMV, he can be quite hurtful and say things I don't think he realizes have the impact they do. I've learned that when he feels uncomfortable in a conversation he gets defensive. Again, another not so great quality. You shouldn't have to walk on egg shells around your friends. These are the people you're supposed to be able to be vulnerable around!
    Conversation would let him know how I feel, but it wouldn't change anything. So this one I'll have to categorize as 'passed by'
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this?:
    Dimmy, It was a pleasure meeting you at the rattlesnake, but as a guy, i can understand his viewpoint and statement, and you may have missed many signals from him in that respect, but i am uncertain as to how you are looking at him. If you were looking at him with future exclusive partner potential, then he is telling you indirectly, and immaturely, that that thought should not exist in your head. But if you were looking at him as a platonic friend, and possibly FFIB, friends for immediate benefit, then he is telling you that is OK, but exclusivity is not an option. . . that's all.  I think that you need to personally place guys in two camps, platonic and exclusive potential.  Exclusive potential has time limits and has talks about the future together and should never last more than 1 year or so in LIMBO.   Platonic is never FWB and never has exclusive potential. . . And FWB must disappear after someone is exclusive or married to someone else. but then again, i don't have enough girl information to give my best supportive answer.  It hurts, and i am sorry, it sucks, but that is the best part of the human existance, because when its great, its really great!
    Posted by MarketSurfer


    Thanks, Market, it was a pleasure meeting you too for the short time we mingled. :-)

    I see what you're saying, and my brain understand and appreciate the viewpoint, but my heart doesn't understand why people make or sustain connections they would plan on ending. I understand that not everyone is in your life for keeps, but I question why start building a house you know will fall?

    He knows I don't look at him as future partner potential; nor him me.
    I thought we'd gotten through all the awkward sexual/male/female stuff, but I guess we hadnt; I guess he hadn't.

    But you're right - as much as it sucks now, there's a future filled with other platonic and romantic potential, and I'll be wiser not to cross the 2.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this?:
    Dims, Building on what MS said. It is possible that all the expectation setting and promises to do better moved the relationship into the weirdness zone.  Few emerge unscathed from the weirdness zone.  The only thing you can do is let it go.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick


    That's what bugs me about this friendship - I had no expectations of him. Period.
    He was the one who told me it bothered him I didn't call, I didn't need him, I didn't whatever.
    So then I started slowly asking him to do things with/for me. And he acted like I'd grown some extra heads.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this?:
    Dimmy, I have been married three times and engaged two others. I have lived with three women other than the ones I was married and engaged to. They are all gone. I have three old friends who are still around after all that time. One is male and two are female. Where I to have that questipon posed to me I would choose the friend over and over again. A good friend is forever. And far more valuable. Sorry to say Dimmy it sounds to me like this guy has no understanding of friendship.  
    Posted by bzorn22


    Thank you very much for this Bzorn, I needed to hear that not everyone would feel the need to ditch friends.
    Hey, some people do, and that's okay.
    But it's not a friend I need.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this?:
    Oh look, I find myself venturing off to the right side of my LL screen again...nice! Dimmy, I only read the 1st page of comments (which were all great) and do not know if this theory was already presented, so excuse the redundancy, but it may be possible that he has deeper feelings for you then you are aware of. I've interpreted your statements about him to mean that he can be a bit narcissistic. Couple this with the belief that he controls the direction of your relationship and this may be his selfishly unconventional way of getting YOU to take the initiative to move the relationship to the next level. It's like he knows how you feel about him and uses this knowledge to instill fear. Maybe he thinks if he preemptively presents the idea that you can easily be replaced, you'll panic and confess your love for him and ask to be the real life version of the 'imagineray GF' that he speaks of. If this is the case, he is immature, selfish, silly, and not deserving of you as either a friend nor a GF. You woudln't want to date someone so conniving anyway.
    Posted by suigneriss


    Yes, Sui, thank you - your interpretation of him is good - He IS narcissistic, and he tries to control the direction of the relationship, but it's not to direct it toward romance. I am sure of that.
    I think he's assigned me an 'always there' status which means he doesn't have to have any consideration for anything I want.
    And you're right - I thought about it - and I would never want to date him. So if he thinks our friendship is going to affect his next romance, it's going to affect mine too. It's best we both part ways.
     
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    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this?:
    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this? : He is not a friend....
    Posted by maggieagnes


    True. Never was. Isn't now.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    I'd like to thank everyone for their kind words and feedback.
    It really does mean a lot.

    I saw him yesterday, I had a sweatshirt of his, he had my HSA card. We swapped and so now I have no real reason to ever see him again. Last hug and kiss on the cheek - at least we're parting on good terms.

    It's not worth another discussion. I'm afraid my emotions might get the best of me and I'd say some things I didn't mean. Maybe one day he'll regret saying some of those hurtful things to me, but I'll never regret the day I decided to stop being available to a fairweather friend.

    --Fade to Black--

     
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    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this?:
    I'd like to thank everyone for their kind words and feedback. It really does mean a lot. I saw him yesterday, I had a sweatshirt of his, he had my HSA card. We swapped and so now I have no real reason to ever see him again. Last hug and kiss on the cheek - at least we're parting on good terms. It's not worth another discussion. I'm afraid my emotions might get the best of me and I'd say some things I didn't mean. Maybe one day he'll regret saying some of those hurtful things to me, but I'll never regret the day I decided to stop being available to a fairweather friend. --Fade to Black--
    Posted by ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink


    Cue end theme, roll credits. :-)
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from LWhitt58. Show LWhitt58's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this?:
    I'd like to thank everyone for their kind words and feedback. It really does mean a lot. I saw him yesterday, I had a sweatshirt of his, he had my HSA card. We swapped and so now I have no real reason to ever see him again. Last hug and kiss on the cheek - at least we're parting on good terms. It's not worth another discussion. I'm afraid my emotions might get the best of me and I'd say some things I didn't mean. Maybe one day he'll regret saying some of those hurtful things to me, but I'll never regret the day I decided to stop being available to a fairweather friend. --Fade to Black--
    Posted by ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink


    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this?:
    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this? : Cue end theme, roll credits. :-)
    Posted by redwolf68




    Don't forget the funny outtakes, Wolfie.  ;-)


    And one leeeeeetle question, Dimmy - was there any comment between you two about the relationship ending?  Or was it just the sweatshirt/HSA card swap and that was it?  If the latter, do you think he'll attempt to worm his way back into a "friendship" with you down the road?
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from MarketSurfer. Show MarketSurfer's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    Dimmy,

    Feelings and relationships exist in the conceptual and the abstract.  One can't control to whom one is attracted, just can control what you do with the attraction.  All that stuff exists in the subconscious.  Asking why abou this behavior is like asking for closure, and you appear to have a more significant left brain than right, which is fine.  Just remember, logic does not work with the conceptual, the abstract and feelings, nor with closure.

    Closure is a concept, you may be looking for it, but forgetaboutit. . . seldom happens but you can rationalize one. . .   he's immature and a jerk.

    However, that's putting the blame on him, and the only person you can control is you.  So I recommend a 12 step program of love and relationship therapy. . . Hug 12 LL friends IRL, drink 12 margaritas at the rattlesnake.  take 12 days this summer to vacation. . .  talk to 12 other new guys. . .

    marketsurfer. . .
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from MsWoman. Show MsWoman's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    IDMWIT - I wanted to say that it sounds like your friend is either so very clueless or just so self-centered he can't fathom how his words affect you, because he's just so busy thinking bout himself.  Then I read you two parted ways...I think, too, for the best.  How one-sided this friendship seems, with no considerations given to you and your own feelings.  As time passes, people reveal more and more of themselves and their "intentions"...and it sounds like you've just seen all you really need to see (or hear, in this case).  I'm sorry you lost a long-time companion - it still hurts, no matter the circumstance. 
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this?:
    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this? : In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this? : Don't forget the funny outtakes, Wolfie.  ;-) And one leeeeeetle question, Dimmy - was there any comment between you two about the relationship ending?  Or was it just the sweatshirt/HSA card swap and that was it?  If the latter, do you think he'll attempt to worm his way back into a "friendship" with you down the road?
    Posted by LWhitt58


    Nope, no words. Just a personal resolution to move on. He sent me a bunch of texts yesterday. I feel like he can sense when I'm tiring of him, and tries to pull me back in. It's not working this time. I answered cordially and casually, which will be the extent of any future communications.
     
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