What kind of "friend" says this?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

    What kind of "friend" says this?

    My male best friend of almost 10 years told me last night that if he was seeing someone, and if it was serious, and they asked him to choose between me and her...

    He'd pick her.

    He'd pick an imaginary 'partner' over me, if given an ultimatum.

    I don't know what to do. I didn't know how to react.

    Would you even bother continuing a friendship with someone who felt that way about you?

    Who says that kind of stuff?

     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from catnmouse. Show catnmouse's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    In Response to What kind of "friend" says this?:
    [QUOTE]My male best friend of almost 10 years told me last night that if he was seeing someone, and if it was serious, and they asked him to choose between me and her... He'd pick her. He'd pick an imaginary 'partner' over me, if given an ultimatum. I don't know what to do. I didn't know how to react. Would you even bother continuing a friendship with someone who felt that way about you? Who says that kind of stuff?
    Posted by ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink[/QUOTE]

    I don't understand how he could cut ties with a friend just like that.  I can understand a guy not wanting to upset a SO but that is what bounderies are for aren't they?  Talk to him about it before you make any decisions about your friendship, maybe if he really gave it some thought he would choose to say he would set some sort of rules so "she" wouldn't feel threatened.  I would hope so anyway. 
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this?:
    [QUOTE]In Response to What kind of "friend" says this? : I don't understand how he could cut ties with a friend just like that.  I can understand a guy not wanting to upset a SO but that is what bounderies are for aren't they?  Talk to him about it before you make any decisions about your friendship, maybe if he really gave it some thought he would choose to say he would set some sort of rules so "she" wouldn't feel threatened.  I would hope so anyway. 
    Posted by catnmouse[/QUOTE]

    ??
    He has a very standoffish attitude - this is not debatable to him. He has simply decided this is how it's going to be, should the issue ever arise, even though he 'wants me in his life forever'
    From my past experience with him, this wouldn't be about setting boundaries with a new girlfriend, it's about making sure I know my station in his life.
    That's another aspect of our friendship that's wearing on me, our friendship is on when he says it's on, but when he's distracted by other people or events, I'm a bother.
     
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  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this?:
    [QUOTE]Dims, My male best friend of almost 10 years told me last night that if he was seeing someone, and if it was serious, and they asked him to choose between me and her... He'd pick her. He'd pick an imaginary 'partner' over me, if given an ultimatum. ---------------- Sounds like your friend is lonely and a little desparate for a girlfriend.  A confident man who know that he could find a girl that would like that he has close female friends. I would be hurt by a statement like that.  And when I am hurt, I back away.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]

    I'm very hurt, CHC, like broken heart hurt.
    I've been there for him through breakups, custody issues, financial issues, the gamut.
    So to have him tell me that if push came to shove, an imaginary girlfriend would take precedence over me, no questions asked - I was floored.
    I think my only option right now is to fade away.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    [QUOTE]The guy is a -putz. No wonder he doesn't have a girlfriend. Is he assuming his new girl would be so insecure that she would not let him hang out with you? If so=-Putz Or is he saying If he had a new girl friend he would not want to hang with you. If so= -putz. Sorry.
    Posted by moosedodger[/QUOTE]

    Thanks, yeah, he knows his audience. His type is kind of unfortunate, low education, promiscuous yet controlling, slightly crazy, etc, so yes, I do believe his yet-to-be girlfriend runs a great risk of being insecure about our friendship.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from TwoCentDonation. Show TwoCentDonation's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    {{Dimmy}}

    That's really awful!! :(

    Perhaps you should fade away, and when he calls to see where you've been, you can answer, "Looking for a better friend.  I decided that if I had to choose between you and hyptothetical new best friend who wouldn't dump me for an insecure girlfriend, I wouldn't pick you."

    Because I can be a little evil like that...
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from jkjband. Show jkjband's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    If I may, this is why you shouldn't play the absolute no fun game of "what if". There are so many factors in real life that could/would happen that would have a bearing on the two of your relationship, that there is no real way of knowing what will occur. (Who knows the two of you may hit it off and become great friends)

    I think/hope that there was a misinterpretation of the question
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from EnjoyEverySandwich. Show EnjoyEverySandwich's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?



    Time to make new friends, to get busy and to be otherwise occupied the next 1000 times this friend decides he wants to hang out with you.


    You want a friend who supports you and builds you up, not one that tears you down.  If you're going to surround yourself with people who make your life better, it sounds like this person is not one of them.



     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from backbaybabe. Show backbaybabe's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    Hey Lovely Dimmy

    he'll learn soon enough that if he really made that choice, that he made the WRONG choice.... he'd be a fool to severe ties with you after you've known him for so long.
    that said, it seems like he's the one dictating this friendship... i kind of sense he might think you have more feelings for him(romantically) than he for you. thus, he believes that once this potential GF comes strutting her schtuff onto the scene, instead of hurting you, and possibly having a jealous new gf, he feels it would be best to cut off ties with you as to NOT hurt you while he's courting another babe...

    now, that, IMO is bad form... totally and not someone whom i thought i had a deep and respecting friendship with.....

    BUT BUT BUT.... as not too long ago we had a LW, who wanted to voice her opinion about her GF's bf....
    i wrote in that i made my opnions clear, and we eventually had a severely damaged, if not repairable friendship.

    if you truly believe this friend is someone you value(no matter how putzy he is and selfish) i would suggest that you let this be for now. he's just shooting of his mouth...and IF AND WHEN he dates some poor unsuspecting woman, just let him be...he'll be  back to his constant, you!!!
    when the cards come tumbling down on him and needs a shoulder to cry on, you can be there in support . let him know that no matter how distant he was, and not a good friend to you, that going forward friendship, like relationships are 2 way streets and live on compromises.
    if he cannot understand your position, than he's not your friend. move on. But if he can understand you side, he wont kick you to the curb and value your friendship with him and quite possibly understand how his friendship with you can help him with relationships with other woman...

    just saying... even though its long winded and totally all over the place...

    hope he comes around!!! cuz he's a fool to dump you as a friend...
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from EnjoyEverySandwich. Show EnjoyEverySandwich's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?



    TwoCent!  To the point and whipsmart funny!




     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this?:
    [QUOTE]{{Dimmy}} That's really awful!! :( Perhaps you should fade away, and when he calls to see where you've been, you can answer, "Looking for a better friend.  I decided that if I had to choose between you and hyptothetical new best friend who wouldn't dump me for an insecure girlfriend, I wouldn't pick you." Because I can be a little evil like that...
    Posted by TwoCentDonation[/QUOTE]

    Thanks - Ha! That's what a friend at the office suggested.

    It's so HARD for me to be mean! LOL
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this?:
    [QUOTE]If I may, this is why you shouldn't play the absolute no fun game of "what if". There are so many factors in real life that could/would happen that would have a bearing on the two of your relationship, that there is no real way of knowing what will occur. (Who knows the two of you may hit it off and become great friends) I think/hope that there was a misinterpretation of the question
    Posted by jkjband[/QUOTE]

    Thank you - this is what I thought as well. There's no possible way you could imagine this scenario and how it would play out exactly. That's why I feel like he was making a broader statement about our friendship in general.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this?:
    [QUOTE]Time to make new friends, to get busy and to be otherwise occupied the next 1000 times this friend decides he wants to hang out with you. You want a friend who supports you and builds you up, not one that tears you down.  If you're going to surround yourself with people who make your life better, it sounds like this person is not one of them.
    Posted by EnjoyEverySandwich[/QUOTE]

    Thank you, Sandwich! 1,000 times yes - I think you nailed the problem with this friend. He's always tearing me down. Over the last year I started asking myself what this friend did for me - and the answer is summarily; nothing.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from naturalginger. Show naturalginger's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    Yikes Dims, that's brutal.  I don't know how this conversation even came about, but I can't imagine how I'd react to it.

    I like what $0.02 said, I'd go with that.  What a toolbag for even making such a comment.

    I'm sorry ... want me to kick him in the teeth for ya? He'll have great luck gettin a girlfriend when he looks like a washed up hockey player but without the athletic ability.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    [QUOTE]Hey Lovely Dimmy he'll learn soon enough that if he really made that choice, that he made the WRONG choice.... he'd be a fool to severe ties with you after you've known him for so long. cuz he's a fool to dump you as a friend...
    Posted by backbaybabe[/QUOTE]

    Thank you, B3, yes once he was dating while on a break from a long term relationship, and he definitely disappeared, but when he went back to his girlfriend, there he was again. I think we both know I care for him more than he cares for me.
    And yes, the friendship is mostly on his terms. It's definitely a power struggle.
    I feel like the only way I can finally have it on MY terms is to decide there are no terms, and that maybe this friendship has just run its course.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    [QUOTE]Yikes Dims, that's brutal.  I don't know how this conversation even came about, but I can't imagine how I'd react to it. I like what $0.02 said, I'd go with that.  What a toolbag for even making such a comment. I'm sorry ... want me to kick him in the teeth for ya? He'll have great luck gettin a girlfriend when he looks like a washed up hockey player but without the athletic ability.
    Posted by naturalginger[/QUOTE]

    Right??? Brutal is a good word for it...

    And way to make me feel used.

    A kick in the teeth would be a great temporary mood elevator. :-) THANKS!
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from sexual-chocolate. Show sexual-chocolate's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    I dont think theres a point to continuing the friendship if he stands by his comment, but I'd find out for sure what he hoped to accomplish by saying that to you first, Dimmy.  Perhaps he was just feeling sorry for himself, conveying that he is desperate enough to settle no matter what, hopeless about finding someone else good for him, etc and didnt mean it?  Maybe there's some underlying issue with you he has?  Or, maybe he's trying to tell you he cant be your friend anymore or he cant meet your expectations (youre expectations are totally normal, BTW). 

    I would discuss it with him clearly and let him know how it made you feel before you decide what to do.  You deserve much better though. 
     
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  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    [QUOTE]I dont think theres a point to continuing the friendship if he stands by his comment, but I'd find out for sure what he hoped to accomplish by saying that to you first, Dimmy.  Perhaps he was just feeling sorry for himself, conveying that he is desperate enough to settle no matter what, hopeless about finding someone else good for him, etc and didnt mean it?  Maybe there's some underlying issue with you he has?  Or, maybe he's trying to tell you he cant be your friend anymore or he cant meet your expectations (youre expectations are totally normal, BTW).  I would discuss it with him clearly and let him know how it made you feel before you decide what to do.  You deserve much better though. 
    Posted by sexual-chocolate[/QUOTE]

    He's never struck me as desparate. I may ask him about it - but there's a timeline for discussion, right? And I don't think I could face him right about now.
    I think it was a warning that I shouldn't expect great things out of this so-called friendship.

    I ask for an inch, and he accuses me of trying to take a mile.
    Last four months, all I've asked him to do was go to the movies. Once.
    You'd have thought I asked him for his babies.

    Thank you, Sexulate.
     
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  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    [QUOTE]Wow.  I don't know what to say Dims.  I would be very careful about associating yourself with someone who is so short-sighted.  And it sounds like a foregone conclusion that you are going to be lost in the shuffle when he finds a girl. Do what TwoCent said.  And if you need to ratchet up the mean, I can help.
    Posted by SmashAtoms[/QUOTE]

    Thanks, Smash. I think that was it - his way of saying, don't expect this to work out once I have a girl.

    I can be mean, just not usually to people I love. But I am accepting suggestions!!
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    [QUOTE]IDMWIT; I think the guy is clueless and has no idea of the impact of his words on you.  I would bet that he didn't mean to hurt you, he just never thought before he opened his mouth.
    Posted by AGCT[/QUOTE]

    Thanks, AGCT, I wish this was the case.
    He's very typically - I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do, and it's YOUR fault if you don't like it.

    You think I should try to clear the air? Or back off?
     
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