What kind of "friend" says this?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this? : IDMWIT, Don't be a doormat (I'm not meaning to be harsh). If he is a hurtful person who only uses others, it's time to move on.
    Posted by AGCT


    You're right. I can't just be waiting for his true colors to show.
    I think they've shown themselves, and I'm just starting to see it.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from Butterflyz. Show Butterflyz's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    I don't post that often but I had to offer my condolences to you IDMWIT...I had a male friend like this. Close as anything for 8 years, I was there for him as he struggled with cancer and he was the first person I called when I found out my father was about to pass away. But when he got into a relationship, he completely pulled away from me, didn't even tell me about her (I found out about the relationship from facebook) and didn't think that cutting me out of his life without a word was worth discussing. It's coming up on two years since we've spoken to each other, but I remember the heart break well. Keep your chin up, it gets better and you find out who you can really count on.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from EnjoyEverySandwich. Show EnjoyEverySandwich's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?


    Dimmy:

    I had a very close friend who I let go about 10 years ago.  It really came down to what does this person add to my life? 

    In my case, everything was about her.  (Sound familiar?)  She was the type of person that had no sympathy whatsoever -- by which I mean she could not put herself into someone else's shoes unless she had been in the exact same situation herself.   And even then, if she did have that experience, her reaction wasn't "Wow!  So this is what you were going through!"; it was "I am the first person to ever have this happen to them."   Her self-centeredness was extreme -- and I'd give you examples, but they are too jaw-dropping and personal for a public forum.  Suffice it to say she was a queen bee (or queen "B"), no doubt about it.

    I decided that despite not having dozens of friends, the cost of maintaining this one friendship was costing me more emotionally than I was getting out of it, and I was better off without her in my life.  I haven't regretted my decision.  (Funny coincidence, though, Dimmy -- there's a real good chance I'll be seeing her at a mutual friend's event this weekend -- first time in about 9 years.  Should be interesting.)

    Only you can really weigh the plusses and minuses of your friendship, and I wish you the best in figuring it out, because it's not an easy decision to come to, I know.

     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from backbaybabe. Show backbaybabe's posts

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    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this? : You're right. I can't just be waiting for his true colors to show. I think they've shown themselves, and I'm just starting to see it.
    Posted by ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink


    DImmy, His colors are screaming quite loudly, it just was you who had cotton in your ears and blinders on in believing he was a nice person. but he is not that and now you are starting to (fortunately for you) clearly see his stripes and hopefully no matter how sad, understand its time to move on.
    just know though, he's the one who's making a major mistake. for if and when he realizes what an idiot he is, you will have moved on and will no longer tolerate being a doormat...
     
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  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from catnmouse. Show catnmouse's posts

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    well I don't know what to say about the stand offish thing. Boo on him.  If he can't set boundries he knows will make girlfriend feel more at ease and will just ditch you...and the fact that the friendship seems to be more of a bother to him when "other" things seem more interesting at the time doesn't seem like he values your friendship much.  Perhaps keep him on the back burner so to speak.  You seem to know where your friendship really stands with him so keep it as that or phase him out would be my advice to you from what I have read.
     
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  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    I don't post that often but I had to offer my condolences to you IDMWIT...I had a male friend like this. Close as anything for 8 years, I was there for him as he struggled with cancer and he was the first person I called when I found out my father was about to pass away. But when he got into a relationship, he completely pulled away from me, didn't even tell me about her (I found out about the relationship from facebook) and didn't think that cutting me out of his life without a word was worth discussing. It's coming up on two years since we've spoken to each other, but I remember the heart break well. Keep your chin up, it gets better and you find out who you can really count on.
    Posted by Butterflyz


    Thank you Butterflyz, I appreciate that you can relate. It would be a breath of fresh air to find someone I can count on.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from redwolf68. Show redwolf68's posts

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    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this? : I'm very hurt, CHC, like broken heart hurt. I've been there for him through breakups, custody issues, financial issues, the gamut. So to have him tell me that if push came to shove, an imaginary girlfriend would take precedence over me, no questions asked - I was floored. I think my only option right now is to fade away.
    Posted by ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink


    Oh, Dimmy...{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}  What a jerk.  It really is amazing what people you thought were your friends can do/say to you.  I wouldn't just fade away from his life, I'd disappear in a flash, if I were in your shoes.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    Only you can really weigh the plusses and minuses of your friendship, and I wish you the best in figuring it out, because it's not an easy decision to come to, I know.
    Posted by EnjoyEverySandwich


    It is tough - but I've done the pros and cons before. And then been made promises of better friendship. If I keep believing that malarky, I only have myself to blame. I guess that whole friends for a reason, season or lifetime is a little truer than I ever gave it credit for.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this? : DImmy, His colors are screaming quite loudly, it just was you who had cotton in your ears and blinders on in believing he was a nice person. but he is not that and now you are starting to (fortunately for you) clearly see his stripes and hopefully no matter how sad, understand its time to move on. just know though, he's the one who's making a major mistake. for if and when he realizes what an idiot he is, you will have moved on and will no longer tolerate being a doormat...
    Posted by backbaybabe


    That's it - he's been content with treating me like dirt, because his 'best friend' is always there regardless. Pull the freight buddy, or get off at the next stop.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    Dims, My Brady (hair stylist and confidant) noted with approval one visit that I'd decided to raise my standards. My dear, I applaud you for raising yours.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick


    Thanks, CHC :-)
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    Is is possible he's into YOU, Dimble? My first thought -- he's saying this to make you jealous.
    Posted by Sally-


    Been there, done that - got the STD (kidding)

    No, he's not trying to make me jealous. I know this for fact.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from redwolf68. Show redwolf68's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    And Dim, I have to add...maybe it's just a Libra thing, but I'm much the same way you are - just too damn nice, sometimes, for my own good.  Much as you want to tell some people to step off, along with exactly where and what they should do upon arrival, that essentially diplomatic nature kicks in every time and doesn't allow you that freedom.  And if you do find the spine, and the righteous anger, to do so, you pay for it with guilt for feeling that way.  It's a b!tch sometimes.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this? : Oh, Dimmy...{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}  What a jerk.  It really is amazing what people you thought were your friends can do/say to you.  I wouldn't just fade away from his life, I'd disappear in a flash, if I were in your shoes.
    Posted by redwolf68


    Thanks Red, yeah, I think that's the only answer at this point.

    I just don't want to make some big declaration that "our friendship is over!"
    Yet it seems so passive to ignore....
    But I don't owe him anything, really. So I'm more concerned with making myself happy right now.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    And Dim, I have to add...maybe it's just a Libra thing, but I'm much the same way you are - just too damn nice, sometimes, for my own good.  Much as you want to tell some people to step off, along with exactly where and what they should do upon arrival, that essentially diplomatic nature kicks in every time and doesn't allow you that freedom.  And if you do find the spine, and the righteous anger, to do so, you pay for it with guilt for feeling that way.  It's a b!tch sometimes.
    Posted by redwolf68


    I think it is, Red, I feel guilt after I express anger.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    You seem to know where your friendship really stands with him so keep it as that or phase him out would be my advice to you from what I have read.
    Posted by catnmouse


    Thanks again catnmouse - he is officially deprioritized.
     
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  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from LWhitt58. Show LWhitt58's posts

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    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this? : ?? He has a very standoffish attitude - this is not debatable to him. He has simply decided this is how it's going to be, should the issue ever arise, even though he 'wants me in his life forever' From my past experience with him, this wouldn't be about setting boundaries with a new girlfriend, it's about making sure I know my station in his life. That's another aspect of our friendship that's wearing on me, our friendship is on when he says it's on, but when he's distracted by other people or events, I'm a bother.
    Posted by ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink



    Dimmy - I'm just reading this now (and I haven't read the rest of the thread, so please forgive me if this is repetitive or you've said something that counteracts what I'm going to say), but what stood out in your follow-up post to catnmouse was your phrase "...making sure I know my station in his life." That and "when he's distracted ... I'm a bother."

    That says TONS about how he is.  He's your friend only when he wants to be your friend.  That isn't a friend, I'm afraid.  I've BTDT with a "friend" of almost 20 years, and I finally had enough after she mocked me in public last summer.  She chose not to contact me after a text from me telling her how hurt I was at what she said/did, and I essentially stopped talking to her.  Perhaps that was her intention - to make *me* the bad guy who broke off the friendship.  It wouldn't surprise me, as that was her method - everything was always someone else's fault.  Never hers.

    But your friend is using you.  No friend should be a "bother" - and if that's how he's making you feel, that's not friendship.  But the "station in his life" phrasing just gave me the chills.  He's put you secondary to everyone else.  That's not friendship.

    I'm not sure what else to offer you but to say I'm sorry he's said this to you.  :-(  And perhaps back away from the friendship, as it'll continue to cause nothing but heartache for you.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from MoVa. Show MoVa's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    Oh Dimmy
    I can't even come up with a plausible reason why a friend would make such a cruel remark. He sounds like an insensitive lout.
    As for helping him through his own turmoil, eaten bread is soon forgotten.
    My dear mom use to tell me that if someone stops being a positive force in your life, they are deadwood and should be pruned. I think that may be the case here.
    I am sure his words are resoundng in your ears. Try to drown out that sound with all the love and support you are getting here today.

    We can convene the witches coven and take him out, if you like.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from ArekofEstre. Show ArekofEstre's posts

    Re: What kind of "friend" says this?

    The kind that doesn't value you Dimmy. Back away softly and slowly. You will be gone before you even realize that the last time you spoke to him was to say goodbye.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this? : Dims - There was a point in my life where all of my friends were users.  The first time you raise your standards and lose a friend, it hurts terribly. But on the plus side, the new people you fill your life with add something you weren't getting in the past.   Once you make a few of those friends (and those friendships stick) it doesn't hurt as much to lose the users.  Remember this, though.  I think GMV said one day .....  Over the course of a lifetime, friendships ebb and flow.  Life becomes much easier if you take the long view.  This guy clearly doesn't have a lot to give right now ... maybe down the line he will grow some (which often requires some solitude) and emerge as an older, wiser, stronger friend.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick


    This is a very nice half full view. Wink
    But in ending this one, I have to be prepared that it's for good.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from LWhitt58. Show LWhitt58's posts

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    In Response to Re: What kind of "friend" says this?:
    Time to make new friends, to get busy and to be otherwise occupied the next 1000 times this friend decides he wants to hang out with you. You want a friend who supports you and builds you up, not one that tears you down.  If you're going to surround yourself with people who make your life better, it sounds like this person is not one of them.
    Posted by EnjoyEverySandwich



    ^^^  THIS.  Majorly, totally and unequivocably THIS.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink. Show ItDoesntMatterWhatIThink's posts

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    That's not friendship. I'm not sure what else to offer you but to say I'm sorry he's said this to you.  :-(  And perhaps back away from the friendship, as it'll continue to cause nothing but heartache for you.
    Posted by LWhitt58


    No, I'm afraid you're right. I'm afraid there was only one friend in this, and I think it was me.
     
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