Anger is never good...

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from miscricket. Show miscricket's posts

    Anger is never good...

    Quinlan Junta passed away this weekend and the cause of death is rumored to be suicide.
    Junta..the 21 year old son of Thomas Junta who was convicted and spent several years in prison for beating another hockey dad to death...has no doubt had a troubled life since that fateful day back in 2000. Several months ago he was arrested and charged with armed robbery..home invasion and assault and battery.

    If indeed Quinlan Junta did take his own life..one has to wonder how his father feels. Anger is never a productive emotion. Acting on that anger is worse. In the heat of the moment..Thomas Junta altered the course of too many lives. By ending one life..he destroyed so many others. I wonder if he is thinking about how high the price was for a moment of anger. Anyone want to bet that if he could have one wish..he'd go back in time and do that moment over? I know I would....in a heartbeat.
     
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    Re: Anger is never good...

    Very sad story, but I take issue with your premise.  Anger can be a constructive agent for good change if it is used in conjunction with an healthy emotional toolbox.  The problem is, I believe many (most?) people do not know how to use anger in a positive way...we have empty emotional toolboxes.  That doesn't make all anger bad.  It makes it like a gun in the hand of a psychopath.  

    Branding all anger as "never good" only forces a natural, potentially positive emotion, underground - we call it "Passive Aggressiveness" or "Hidden Anger."

    Did Jesus sin (if anger is "never good" it's a sin) when he angrily overturned the money changers' tables and accused them of turning the temple into a "den of theives?"
     
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    Re: Anger is never good...

    I'll believe your leaving channel five when I see it  gave you a clue you stupid cow. iam not chrissy.
     
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    Re: Anger is never good...

    In Response to Re: Anger is never good...:
    [QUOTE]Very sad story, but I take issue with your premise.  Anger can be a constructive agent for good change if it is used in conjunction with an healthy emotional toolbox.  The problem is, I believe many (most?) people do not know how to use anger in a positive way...we have empty emotional toolboxes.  That doesn't make all anger bad.  It makes it like a gun in the hand of a psychopath.   Branding all anger as "never good" only forces a natural, potentially positive emotion, underground - we call it "Passive Aggressiveness" or "Hidden Anger." Did Jesus sin (if anger is "never good" it's a sin) when he angrily overturned the money changers' tables and accused them of turning the temple into a "den of theives?"
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    I respect your view Kar...but in my experience anger has never been a good thing. Maybe I should add that while anger is natural to feel...turning that anger onto another person is just plain wrong. When I am angry...I'd rather just go for a nice long walk or swim and get over it...the kind of uncontrollable anger displayed by Junta came with too high a price. By the way..isn't "passive agressive" just another form of anger? I hate passive agressive. I hate yelling..but I would rather have that than passive agressive.
     
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    Re: Anger is never good...

    Being angry is OK.  Being mean is never OK.  I think you are making a potentially devestating mistake of confusing the two.

    If you truly believe that anger itself is not acceptable and can never be constructively expressed between people, you end up stuffing it down inside and it wrecks your health and relationships without your knowledge.  Taking a walk is great, but it doesn't resolve conflict in a constructive way between you and your offender.

    Another way to say "passive aggressive" is "hidden anger."  And, anyone that doesn't allow themselves to constructively deal with anger with others is very likely to be passively angry and might not even be aware of it.

    I recommend "Overcoming Passive Aggression" if you want a better understanding of what it is, its various forms, people's reactions to it, and its origins. 

    ETA one more thing - I should give credit to the book I linked to for my first two lines of this post. 
     
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    Re: Anger is never good...

    Junta's problem started long before the erruption that led to massive, devestating destruction.  At that point, I believe "walking away" was impossible for him.  He snapped so to speak.

    Walking away does not give you or your offender a chance to work through what happened together and prevent it from continuing.  It's avoidance and works for the time being but leads to nursing a constant undercurrent of irritation and frustration if you don't walk back and talk about it in a calm way.  You can be angry and calm - anger doesn't have to be explosive and mean.

    I believe you'd get a LOT out of the book I linked to and enjoy having and using the knowledge you'd gain from it.  Your questions and analysis of this story and what I've said about it lead me to believe you are craving the knowledge it would give you but don't know it because you don't know what you don't know.  You know?  :)  It's under $15, and I promise you'll not be able to put it down.
     
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    Re: Anger is never good...

    CHRIST I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU LEFT CHANNEL FIVE YOU ARE SUCH A BABY
     
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  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from miscricket. Show miscricket's posts

    Re: Anger is never good...

    Dog Lady..thanks for the link to that article..you are right..very interesting comment..and good article as well.
    FYI..I don't disagree that anger can be healthy...in isolated doses. I don't think nasty or mean is ever a productive way to express anger..whether its yelling or passive agressive remarks..and I tend to avoid people who choose to express it that way. I'd rather try to head off the anger in the first place..solve the problem before anger becomes part of it...
    Kar..thanks for the recommendation..I like to read everything..so I will add it to my amazon wish list and tackle it when my semester is over.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from gclef. Show gclef's posts

    Re: Anger is never good...

    anger can be a good motivater. anger like mr. junta had is inexcusable. the price he is paying is higher than he thought it would be.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Anger is never good...

    mc, an anger-free life is a facade and its pursuit is futile, but this doesn't have to be a bad thing.  I wish you didn't have to wait 'til you were done with school to read for personal enrichment because I know how much you'll love it, but I remember what it was like to be in school and overwhelmed with what I HAD to read so I understand.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from MrCorvin. Show MrCorvin's posts

    Re: Anger is never good...

    I will be on the side of Anger is good. It is how you process it.

    I know there were times I was completely ticked off, and I wound up funneling that into awesomeness, which shocked and amazed people. Honestly though the followup conversation tended to be...

    Me: "Well he said this and it ticked me off!"
    Others: "Dude, he ment that AS A COMPLEMENT!"
    Me (reviewing what the person said and how they said it): "Oh..."

    Anger is also a part of the healing process http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

    There is one other thing I want to say.

    Kar:
    Walking away does not give you or your offender a chance to work through what happened together and prevent it from continuing.


    I will disagree only on this sense. Sometimes you have to walk away so you will be able to work thorugh what happened with the person, instead of punching through the person. If you are angry and walk away, do so knowing that you will need to come back to the person and say "Hey, you know, this really ticked me off, I needed to get my bearings so I could talk to you about it..."

    I would rather someone walk away and come back to explain, then try to punch me.

    That being said, I still have one grudge in my life, I plan on holding that.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from p-mike. Show p-mike's posts

    Re: Anger is never good...

    I've heard people who claim to know about such things refer to anger as a mask that covers actual emotions we don't want to confront. I'm not sure how I feel about this description, but I'd certainly agree that there are positive ways to channel anger . . .   the problems arise when there's not a cord of wood handy for chopping when some idiot pisses you off.

     
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    Re: Anger is never good...

    In Response to Re: Anger is never good...:
    [QUOTE]mc, an anger-free life is a facade and its pursuit is futile, but this doesn't have to be a bad thing.  I wish you didn't have to wait 'til you were done with school to read for personal enrichment because I know how much you'll love it, but I remember what it was like to be in school and overwhelmed with what I HAD to read so I understand.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]
    Hi Kar...I agree..and I think where we are losing each other is in how we process anger. I think my point is that angry is tough for me because I don't like to hurt people. Not hurting people is more important to me than any anger I feel. This is why when I am angry..I really like to be by myself for a bit..go for a walk..a swim..something to help me think..then go back to the situation and try to work through it.
    Thanks for the understanding re: the book. I am carrying a full time course load..a directed study project and new this week ..now tutoring someone...All of this on top of working full time.My planner is my new best friend! Needless to say you will be seeing less of me on these boards in the coming weeks..lol and I will read for pleasure sometime in December..
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from miscricket. Show miscricket's posts

    Re: Anger is never good...

    In Response to Re: Anger is never good...:
    [QUOTE]mc, an anger-free life is a facade and its pursuit is futile, but this doesn't have to be a bad thing.  I wish you didn't have to wait 'til you were done with school to read for personal enrichment because I know how much you'll love it, but I remember what it was like to be in school and overwhelmed with what I HAD to read so I understand.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Anger is never good...

    We aren't missing each other at all.  I'm hearing and processing that you believe you are "processing anger" in a way that is not hurtful.  I respectfully believe that that is not possible and you are simply unaware of how your anger is coming out; that's the "hidden" part of "hidden anger."  It is often hidden to the person experiencing the anger itself.

    One reason I believe this is you sound very much like my truly very nice and thoughtful DH - he doesn't have a mean bone in his body and is constantly looking out for others' feelings - a good thing in every respect.  He thought he was working through his anger hiking in the woods with our dog.  BUT, on what he thought was a totally unrelated note, he was often wondering aloud about some negative responses he's been getting that completely confused him - he thought he was being super nice all the time and people were not "getting it."  I, having had a passive aggressive father, recognized some signs (that were bugging me, as well, by the way) and suggested PA might be the hidden problem.   He didn't really know what it was and agreed to study it further and find out.  We are reading the book and he is changing a lot of habits he had no idea were causing problems in his relationships and getting a ton out of it.  Things he was doing, in fact, TO be nice were actually destructive in a very subtle way, and he is already noticing a big difference in people's responses to his every day behavior.  He doesn't "randomly" put people on the defensive anymore and not know what went wrong.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Anger is never good...

    EES, I didn't say that walking while you calm down is a bad thing to do.  But, if that's ALL you do instead of walking back (as I said) and dealing openly with the problem you still have a problem after your walk.  It might be one that you can hide because you've calmed down sufficiently enough to pull it off, but that doesn't mean it's really gone.  And, the next time that thing happens, watch out.  You'll have to take a much longer walk...and longer and longer.  It doesn't work if avoidance (a very long "count to 10") is your only form of handling anger.
     
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