"Great to see the new Senator from Massachusetts – Elizabeth Warren.  My staff tells me we’ve got a lot in common.

Well from one Indian politician to another, I want to wish you all the best in your new job."

I ran into Joe Biden earlier today. I don’t think he recognized me though. He asked me to go get him a Slurpee.

You know, sometimes I wonder where we would be without Vice President Biden. And then I realize: Pretty much exactly where we are right now.

I see Eric Holder is with us tonight. I actually heard a rumor that due to sequestration, the attorney general can only afford to ship a couple hundred illegal guns across the border this year.

I saw a bumper sticker on the way over here that said, “Honk if you’ve been released by Janet Napolitano.”

I understand that to save money – the President’s Secret Service detail is being replaced by Joe Biden with a shotgun."

 

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So direspectfully funny.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/the-fix/wp/2013/03/11/read-bobby-jindals-gridiron-dinner-speech/

But…what a difference a day makes…now some people have asked me if I intend to run for President in 2016?

And the answer is that I have no plans to run.  I’ve made that clear, over and over again…in Iowa…in New Hampshire…and in South Carolina.

There is a reason I’ve got no plans to run.

I mean, come on. What chance does a skinny guy with a dark complexion and a funny name have to get elected president of the United States?

The truth is – I am too skinny to run.  At least that’s what my friend Chris Christie keeps telling me.

Chris pointed out that my biceps are half the size of Obama’s guns. Not the president’s, Michelle’s.

You all don’t know this…but the President and I had the exact same campaign slogan years ago.

But unfortunately UPS sued both of us and made us stop using it…you remember our slogan– ‘what can brown do for you?’

Speaking of brown, I was hoping to see my good friend John Boehner here.

We go to the same tanning salon.

When I first went to congress, I would always get asked by friends –“hey, have you met my friend congressman so and so.”

So I of course responded – I don’t know, all white people look alike to me.