Adoption Insights?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from Micromom. Show Micromom's posts

    Adoption Insights?

    I'm looking for information & insights about anyone's experience with adoption - I'm open to domestic, from foster, international etc.  

    Especially interested in non infant adoption stories, or adoption into families with children.

    Thank you.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Adoption Insights?

    Hey, mm. :)

    Two people very close to me (cousin and close friend) tried adopting older kids (5 years old and teenager) that the gov't purposefully hid very scary information about that would have kept them from going forward.  They both already had children (born to them) whom they feared for and absolutely had no choice but to return the foster/adoptive children to the state.  Terrible situations.

    Another friend adopted two domestic newborns; she was at the births and everything went smoothly both times.  It was a number of years ago, and all is well.  (They didn't have kids beforehand.  The adopted girls are their only children.)
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from Micromom. Show Micromom's posts

    Re: Adoption Insights?

    Thank you, K. good to know.  Hmm.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Adoption Insights?

    I wrestled with sharing...I hope you find the path that's right for you and your family.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from Daisy75. Show Daisy75's posts

    Re: Adoption Insights?

    Years ago, a couple that were friends with my parents took in an older infant/toddler as a foster child.  The mother was a drug addict and had terminated her parental rights.  The father was in jail and had not terminated his.  My parents friends fostered this child and decided very early on that they wanted to adopt him.  It took a couple of years for the bio father to agree to allow him to be adopted, but he eventually did.  The boy was 4, I think, when the adoption was finalized and as far as I know everything from there on was fine.  Since he'd been with my parents friends since he was pretty young and had had that stability, it's not exactly the same as what I think you're talking about, but the adoptive parents made a big celebration of the adoption day and recognized it every year, etc. so it was something that was always out there and talked about.  The father of the adoptive couple counseled troubled teens, so he had some psychological training that probably helped with any issues that did come up over the years.  But really, with any child, you don't know what you're going to get.  Even kids from "ideal" home situations can have serious issues.  A lot of kids in foster care are bound to have histories that would make serious issues more likely, but it's not always the case.  A kid who has been bounced around and been in and out of the system is probably going to have some attachment issues and insecurity--for understandable reasons--but in many cases, a stable, loving environment and extensive counseling will make those issues more manageable and possibly, eventually, non-existent.  You just have to decide how much you're willing to take on while keeping in mind that no child is going to be perfect and without issues.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from misslily. Show misslily's posts

    Re: Adoption Insights?

    I have a friend who adopted a 4 year old girl from Russia.  They've been extremely happy with their decision. They already had one girl and were unable to have more. They decided on preschool age because the father didn't want to go through all the infant stuff and potty training etc.
    Another friend got a 9 month old from Russia too. Also extremely happy.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from ModeratorJen. Show ModeratorJen's posts

    Re: Adoption Insights?

    My cousin adopted her two daughters from China (at different times), and both were older babies/toddlers when they arrived in the U.S. (close to 2 years old, if I remember correctly). The girls are flourishing (they're 8 and 5 now, I think), and it's a loving, happy family!
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from AnnFox8011. Show AnnFox8011's posts

    Re: Adoption Insights?

    Kar--just curious, although maybe you can't say--what states were the children from? Do you know when the "returning" (I feel awful calling it that) of the children happened? My closest friend is adopting from foster care in the state of Massachusetts. Supposedly, there is a 6-month period where you very slowly get to know the child you'd like to possibly adopt, but the the child must live with you for 6 months until adoption paperwork can be filed, and information is disclosed fully during that 6-month period. 

    Also, Micromom, I have good friends who have adopted several times (2 girls, and then a boy) from China (the most amazing children!) I also know of a domestic adoption where the adoption was from birth (another amazing child, whose academic special needs are met with an inclusion aid in a public school---the child has no behavioral issues). This family has two older biological children as well--they are an amazing, close-knit family. 


     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Adoption Insights?

    The known pyromaniac that had been bounced around for that reason was in Massachusetts, but it was a number of years ago so maybe there are more safeguards in place, now, that would make it harder for the state to hide such things.  But, he was a teenager; old enough to play nice during a "get to know you" period.   As naive as this might be, my friend said she thought it would be practically guaranteed to be wonderful because any child that old who finally found a stable, loving home would be so grateful, how could it go wrong?  Those were essentially the exact words she used.

    My cousin is in Pennsylvania, but I believe they gave him back to the state before the adoption was final; I'm pretty certain it was during the trial period they must have, too.  

    How would you know that all the information the state has about that child will be disclosed in that 6 months?

    I'm not anti-adoption by any means.  And, absolutely, no child, naturally born to a couple or adopted, is guaranteed to be major issue free.  Just pointing out that not every adoption story is a happy one despite the great need the children have for loving homes and how eager adoptive parents are to provide loving homes.  Seems like it should always work out, and my friend can't be the only naive enough to think that way about it so I thought those experiences warrented mentioning.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from medfordcc. Show medfordcc's posts

    Re: Adoption Insights?

    Yeah, no offense to your friend, Kar, but that's DEFINITELY a naive view.  Human nature doesn't usually work that way.

    If the OP wants to read about a lot of adoption issues, I would recommend looking at the adoption section on Motherlode:
    http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/tag/adoption/

    Some of the stories are amazing and some are harrowing.
    I thought the one that was the most balanced discussion of adopting an older child was this one:
    http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/09/22/hard-truths-of-some-adoptions/

    The message that I took away from it is that even though it's so so hard (so hard I don't know if I would have the strength for it), adoptions of older children who are upset to be going to their new families may work out better in the long run because the kids have learned to form attachments to their caregivers.
    Wishing you lots of luck and strength with whatever you decide!
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Adoption Insights?

    Yes, it was totally naive, she's the first to admit taht.  But, I'm certain she's not the only smart person out there that has that wide eyed, naive viewpoint.  I'm simply putting it out there for consideration.  I happen to know my DH shared that idea, as well, and he's no dummy, either.  It's a common misconception, even as naive and, dare I say it, dumb as it is.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from medfordcc. Show medfordcc's posts

    Re: Adoption Insights?

    In Response to Re: Adoption Insights?:
    [QUOTE]But, I'm certain she's not the only smart person out there that has that wide eyed, naive viewpoint.  I'm simply putting it out there for consideration.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]
    I totally get that.  I would not be surprised if that was my DH's naive viewpoint, either!  It's good to put it out there.  :)
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from JMD62. Show JMD62's posts

    Re: Adoption Insights?

    My partner and I adopted domestically - our daughter was placed with us when she was two days old, via a private adoption agency (not through foster care). She's our only, so I can't speak to adopting a child into a family with other children.

    You might want to get in touch with Adoption Community of New England, a non-profit that offers workshops and other resources for adoptive families, adoptees, birth families and people considering adoption. Their web site is http://adoptioncommunityofne.org/index.php

    Also, there was a short thread on adoption awhile back that included a few adoption stories - you might want to look at that.
     

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