Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from user_32152. Show user_32152's posts

    Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    Hi Everyone - I'm new to this board.  My Husband and I are planning to have children within the year.  I'm already thinking about "after" my materity leave.  We can not afford for me to stay home, but would make do if we had to.  His Parents offered to babysity, but that would mean drive from Hyde Park to Brockton then to work in South Boston (I don't think I could handle that).  Not sure I want someone else caring for my child.  What the hell does everyone do that has kids??  This is so confusing and has acutally made me re-evaluate having children - I know sounds selfish, but if I can't provide why have them???   Any advise would be GREATLY appeciated
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    I'm not sure anyone has every detail planned ahead.  You say you can't afford to stay home but could make do if you had to.  That means to me that you can afford it, but, of course, your salary would be missed.  There's a definite distinction between can't and don't want to if there's a more affordable option.  And, you're having trouble with what you consider to be affordable as defined by finances, logistics, and obligation of family.  All these things sound like normal concerns to me.

    And, even if you do have everything figured out ahead of time, your baby could come and throw a wrench into all your plans.  You could have twins, and, poof, all your plans go out the window.  You could have a child with a heart defect or disability.  Your parents could become disabled while you are pregnant.  The list of what could render all your planning useless are endless. 

    So, decide if you want kids despite all the uncertainty they will bring to your lives and do the best you can to prepare.

    As for what other people have done, you'll get as many answers as there are parents.  Everyone's circumstances are unique.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from purplecow89. Show purplecow89's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    Exactly what is troubling you about the idea of having someone else care for your child?  Is it a specific concern, or just a general feeling that it wouldn't be right?  Have you had people ask you "What kind of mother abandons her child to the care of paid strangers?  Would you hand your diamond engagement ring to the first stranger to told you she'd take good care of it?"  etc. ?

    As the discussions on this board have shown, having relatives as the main non-parent caregivers is a mixed blessing.  Free, but sometimes you pay in other ways. 
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    This is something you need to discuss w/ your husband and make sure you are on the same page. What everone else does is kind of irrelevant.  You need to decide what will work best for you and your husband, and any future child, preferably before that future child is conceived. 

    I do agree w/ Kar on one point she mentioned: there is a big difference beween "can't" and "don't want to". 

    Good luck!
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    I think you've received some very good responses here. I want to add -- and I don't know how I can say this without sounding like a jerk, so you'll just have to take my word that I mean it in a kindly way -- that if the stress of figuring out childcare makes you reconsider having a baby, then you might want to wait until you're absolutely sure you want to do this. Because an actual baby is much, much more stressful than a theoretical one, and childcare is just one of the many financial/logistical/emotional issues you'll face.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from luvRIboy. Show luvRIboy's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    It is stressful to think about, but think about all of the rewarding wonderful things in life that you wouldn't do if you worried too much about them.  From driving a car, to getting married, to taking a new job, you can't ever know what will happen in the next minute. 

    I'm doing a combo of day care (3 days) and my parents (2 days) for the first few months after I go back to work, then reevaluating.  I hate the idea of my parents giving up their freedom and flexibility to be with the baby...they already raised us...so I'm taking the help they've offered initially with a chance for us all to say enough, and transition the baby into full-time day care.  My parents have said they're happy to be the backup (sick day, we need to stay at work late), but neither they nor I want them to be be the primary caregiver long term.

    I have several friends who do this model, with a parent or in-law doing 1-2 days a week and the rest of the time in daycare, and it's a nice balance, both for the grandparents and the babies, so I know it can work! 

    While It's scary to think of someone else spending all that time with my child, but he or she will know that my DH and I are the parents and know we love him/her.  Also, so many people do this, and the kids turn out great! 

    I also considered the possibility of staying home, and perhaps going back to waitressing 1 or 2 nights a week, but I don't think that I'm willing to give that much of my own identity over to motherhood.  I love my profession and my job and want to keep doing it, and I think happy parents are the most important factor in happy babies! 
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from KT75. Show KT75's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    To me the cost was stressful, but I do agree with Lemon there are a lot more and much bigger stresses that will come once you are pregnant and then have the baby.

    You and your husband need to just think about what would work best for you.  What I am comfortable with may not work for you at all. 

    DD goes to an in-home daycare 5xWeek.  I will say that I do feel a twinge of guilt when people (random people) ask me "who watches your daughter" and I say she goes to daycare.  For us its the best option, DH, myself, and DD are all happy with the decision.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from mbg109. Show mbg109's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    Manyl, I think it's smart to think about this in advance.  One piece of advice I would add is to try to live off whatever budget you are thinking about for some period of months.  (So, try to account for losing your salary or paying for daycare.) 

    I wholeheartedly agree with Kar's assessment that there is a huge different between "can't" and "don't want to."  I hear from so many people-- particularly those in my peer group of pretty well-off young professionals-- who say they can't afford to go down to one income.  These are the same people who drive the newest SUV and carry Coach bags.  So, clearly it's all about what you are willing to cut out of your life in order to stay home; but it is definitely a sacrifice, so you have to want to do it. 

    I am planning to be a SAHM.  (To be honest, I still have some trepidation about this plan, which I think is normal.  I like my job and I make good money and I am intimidated to be home with a baby all day.)  My DH and I just don't feel comfortable with someone else raising our child, and we have planned for some time to go down to one income (built up a substantial savings, etc.)  We know we will have to sacrifice-- we won't buy new cars or have the most stylish clothes, but it's the choice we've made based on what's important to us.

    Of course, there are others-- many on these boards-- who make different choices based on what they want and what's important to them.  So it's obviously a very personal decision and one that you and your DH need to make based on what's important to you.  As luv says, the most important thing is happy babies-- so you need to be sure that you are both happy with your decisions or it won't trickle down. 

    Good luck! 
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    I just want to reiterate that I'm not one of those "you shouldn't have kids/call dss/there should be a license to breed" types. I just think that you reach a point in your life where you absolutely must have a baby no matter what obstacles you face (I'm looking at YOU, Joan Holloway Harris) and that's a good time to go for it. Because you really have to be committed to that child, and to your husband or wife. I personally think that having a baby is the best thing in the world ever, but if I'd done it ten years ago I'd  probably have some mixed feelings.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from user_32152. Show user_32152's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    Wow - Thank you all for your replies.  I'm sure my message sounded a bit selfish.  My DH and I are both older 37/41 and have never had any other responsibility other than ourselves (prob like most out there starting out).  I just never thought I would be thinking to put my "own" child in the hands of others.  That is just my opinion, I don't believe daycare is a "wrong" option, just an expensive one.  You have all set some ease into my "overthinking" head and I appreciate all the comments.  I think working part-time or a night job will be an option to ponder.  Thank you all again
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from user_32152. Show user_32152's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    I just want to add one more thing... we live SOOO modestly.  No new cars, no lastest fashions, we (and I actually mean "I" lol) cut coupons, shop at walmart, look for bargains.  We never go on vacations or eat out (other than take out).  So I guess we are in the right step???......... 

     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    Well, my husband and I worried about this stuff a lot too. But I was going to literally go insane if I didn't have a baby, and we figured that hey, poor people have kids all the time. Why not us?
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from mbg109. Show mbg109's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    lemon, LOL!  I was right there with you.  My DH wanted to take the times to save a bit more, but there was nothing stopping my baby train!  It's amazing to me how the biology takes over!
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kiwigal. Show kiwigal's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    I just wanted to chime in with the perspective that a decision or solution you come to doesn't have to be set in stone forever. My DS is currently 13 months and in full-time daycare. He didn't start daycare until he was 11.5 months. Between my maternity leave, my DH taking care of DS during days (he owns his own company and could work during naps, at night, etc.), a 2-day/week in-home babysitter, and my summer vacation (I am a schoolteacher), we were able to manage. However, as DS got older, that plan wasn't viable. So, we looked at daycares. DS is *thriving* at daycare. He loves the social aspect of it and gets exposed to many activities that wouldn't be feasable if he were at home all day. So, plans and solutions can change over time and it's OK.

    Also, this isn't directed to a particular post, but as a daycare mom, I wish people weighing the daycare decision wouldn't use the phrase "other people raising my child" in reference to daycare providers. Trust me, we are our son's primary caregivers and we are definitely raising him. Our daycare teachers are partners in this work, and they work with us to instill the habits DH and I have decided are important (as any good daycare providers should). Sorry if I have offended, but that statement is a big pet peeve of mine.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from KT75. Show KT75's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    Kiwi - I agree with your post, especially the 2nd part!
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from user_32152. Show user_32152's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    Kiwigal - Oh no, I didn't mean to upset you.  My statement comes from the lack of knowledge/being child-less.   After reading your comment; my comment does come across as ignorate...yikes sorry about that.  Now thinking about it, childcare as an 11 month old is probably great for the socialization you mention.  Thanks for another outlook.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from amy-lynn. Show amy-lynn's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    Another point about daycare is that it really depends on what sort of daycare you choose. I found an amazing "in-home" daycare, that is run by a woman who was a teacher in China. She has an assistant, so she can take 10 children. (the MA limit for a solo provider is 5). My DD has been going since I went back to work when she was 11 weeks. It was hard for me to leave her, but I know that she is thriving there. And because the place is near my house, we are part of the same community. I have seen my provider (or her assistant) and her family at Dim Sum, at the grocery store, at the Y. It doesn't seem to me that she is with strangers, she is with someone in the neighborhood. So I think it depends on how you look at things, as well as who winds up being the provider.

    And on a side note, if the grandparents would be caring for the LO, why couldn't they come to your house to do either pick up or drop off? That way you wouldn't have to do the whole trip every morning. 

     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    And, I hope you'll consider that daycare exposes babies to germs, a necessary stimulant to building their own immune systems.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from user_32152. Show user_32152's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    Amy-lynn - Only the grandfather drives and he is 73 and that is what was presented to me as part of the offer.  My DH thinks I should do it, meaning do the drop off/pick up.  Ya right....easy for him since he wouldn't be the one commuting.  He is poco loco LOL
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from jettagirl78. Show jettagirl78's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    MANYL -

    The decision to have a child is scary & wonderful all in the same breath. I agree with all the posts so far, but wanted to add something my brother (who has 4 kids) told me (when I was concerned about the expense, daycare...etc.). He said, it will never be the right time. You will never have enough money saved or the the exact right plan because plans are always bound to change unexpectedly (loss of job, a baby with an illness) but some how you will find away.

    It really doesn't matter what we have done for daycare. It really is up to you and your husband...as you can see it is a personal decision that is filled with a lot of emotions.

    Good luck in your decision.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from Trouble30. Show Trouble30's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    Kiwi, I total agree with you about hating the comment that daycare is "raising my child."  I hate it just as much as when a car salesman asked me last weekend if, "I was a full time mom or in the working world."  I told him I do work, but that I am also a full time mom. 

    That said, there are so many options, I agree that if you really want it, you'll make it work.  My 6 mo DD is in daycare 2 days a week, my DH (who is in real estate) takes care of her on his day off during the week, and we both work from home 2 days a week and share in her care.

    Childcare is also only needed for a finite time, so you may have to cut down on certain things for a few years, but it's not a forever thing.  And when they go to school, you feel like you hit the lottery.  At least that's what they tell me :)

    Oh, and having a baby is the best!!

     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from mbg109. Show mbg109's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    kiwi, I apologize if I offended you.  That wasn't my intent.  Obviously, this is an emotional and personal decision (stay-at-home vs. day care) and one that starts a great amount of vitriol going amongst monthers-- something that I have no interest in engaging in.  I don't feel like it's my place to judge anyone else's decision-- nor anyone else mine. 

    However, I will say that in my situation, I do feel like someone else would be raising my kids.  My DH and I are not teachers nor are we self-employed.  We are driven and work long hours in the corporate world.  We realize that the amount of waking hours that we would have with our child would be minimal if one of us didn't stay at home.  For a number of reasons, it makes the most sense for me to do so, and I am grateful for the opportunity. 

    So, maybe it is different for you (and other moms on these boards), and I get that, but mine is just another perspective.  Everyone's gotta make it work and everyone's gotta have their own reasons!  For the purposes of this thread, I think it's important for someone considering what option to pursue to honestly assess their work life-- and their work/personal life balance-- in determining whether it's feasible-- and, in my case, emotionally healthy-- to keep it up and raise a baby.  So, I get your point, but not everyone is in the same boat.  Thanks! 
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    I definitely went through a phase of freaking out over whether or not we could afford to have a child.  At some point, it became so important to me that I didn't care anymore - I knew we'd make it work no matter what.
    Our baby will most likely be in daycare full time.  DH has been laid off off and on for the past 2 years, so we're also considering having him stay home for a while.  Not sure we want to go down that road financially, even though it would be wonderful for the baby and us.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    It was hard when our daughter was a baby -- I missed her like crazy when I dropped her off at the sitter's. But she's always known who her mom and dad are, and I think it's nice for her to have lots of people who love her and care for her. Now that she's older, it's easier for me emotionally. She really likes being over at the sitter's house and playing with her little boy. It's not like they're indoctrinating her into their cult or something  -- they glue macaroni onto plates and dig around in sand. I just don't think it's that big a deal. I would have liked a longer maternity leave, but given the choice between losing my job or keeping it, I would opt to keep the job even if we'd been able to afford to live on one salary. I like my job. It suits me.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from Melsau2006. Show Melsau2006's posts

    Re: Child care -vs - stay at home -vs- relatives helping OMG

    When we were looking at our finances, we decided that it would SAVE us money for me to stay home. Daycare was going to cost over $1,000 a month for two kids, and then there were transportation costs, etc.
    Since I wasn't working, we were also able to sell one of our cars, and we saved another $500 a month.
    Then, there was also the saved costs of not eating lunches out, or having to buy clothes for work.
    All that stuff adds up!
    Also, depending on what you do, you may be able to work something out so you can work at home!
     

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