Cover up for our child?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from RWF. Show RWF's posts

    Cover up for our child?

    Our 14 yr old daughter admitted (after she was caught) to cutting class and submitting a forged note to the attendance office.  The attendance office called and left a voicemail (we both work) to verify whether the note came from one of us (the parents).  We tried to call back but they're closed now.

    My wife wants to cover up my daughter's misdeed as she'd probably be expelled and there would be a record generated that would probably adversely affect her ability to get accepted by a good college. 

    I think we should be honest and deal with the problem straight on.

    Thoughts?
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from amy-lynn. Show amy-lynn's posts

    Re: Cover up for our child?

    I would not cover for her... If she is only 14, she is in 8th or 9th grade, and while colleges do look at your academic and disciplinary record, much more attention will be paid to ther Junior and Senior years. If she is punished for this transgression, and learns her lesson, and continues without further misdeeds, she will probably not be penalized by college admissions officers.
    If you cover for her, all she learns is that she can get away with ditching school, her parents will bail her out of trouble with authority and rules don't apply to her. Not lessons I would think any parents want to impart on their children. And she will probably continue to ditch school.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from RWF. Show RWF's posts

    Re: Cover up for our child?

    Thank you very much for taking the time to reply.  Greatly apprectiated!


    In Response to Re: Cover up for our child?:
    I would not cover for her... If she is only 14, she is in 8th or 9th grade, and while colleges do look at your academic and disciplinary record, much more attention will be paid to ther Junior and Senior years. If she is punished for this transgression, and learns her lesson, and continues without further misdeeds, she will probably not be penalized by college admissions officers. If you cover for her, all she learns is that she can get away with ditching school, her parents will bail her out of trouble with authority and rules don't apply to her. Not lessons I would think any parents want to impart on their children. And she will probably continue to ditch school.
    Posted by amy-lynn

     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from cwagner13. Show cwagner13's posts

    Re: Cover up for our child?

    I am with you.

    Quite frankly, if you cover this up, what does that teach your child? I am also friends with a dean of students of a high school, and one of the biggest issues they run into are parents who refuse to accept responsibility for their kids actions, or teach their kids consequences of their actions (but instead, do things like cover up for their kids or sue the school).

    If you set this precedent now, when she does something in the corporate or professional world, the damage when it is found out will be so much more severe (and the past always catches up). If she gets used to parents covering for minor actions - where does it stop and what happens when she gets into more serious infractions that has bigger repercussions than a school record?


    Better a school record than a record later on. (I had a co-worker who got drunk on his first business trip, and tried to run from police in a rash moment - now that is a record he has to explain for each job interview).

     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Cover up for our child?

    I have to agree with everyone else and say do NOT cover it up.

    My ex-husband learned to lie directly and purposefully (like in situations like this) from his mother.  I didn't know that until after we were married, but she actually started proudly regaling me with stories of how they got away with such things because she was so "smart" and "good at it."  Then, a very big lie on which our marriage was BASED (that he told me to get me to marry him) came out, and we ended up getting a divorce after 8 long, terrible years.  Since then, he said he had to get professional counseling to learn how to always be honest no matter where the chips might fall.  He was in his 30s, divorced, miserable, and learning from a professional how to tell the truth, all thanks to his mom's "lessons."

    I think you owe your child a foundation on which she can build an HONEST life.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kiwigal. Show kiwigal's posts

    Re: Cover up for our child?

    I agree with everyone else. As a middle and high school teacher, how can you expect your daughter to learn right from wrong if she never experiences the consequences of her actions? Also, she put a LOT of people in a very compromising condition with her poor decision. What if something horrible had happened to her while she ditched--like an accident or abduction? NO ONE would have known where she was or what could have possibly happened. Nevermind the school, how could you and your wife deal with that kind of deceit??

    One other issue, does you daughter have previous disciplinary infractions? Otherwise, as a teacher (and former administrator) I can't imagine being expelled for a first infraction of this nature. Suspension--yes, definitely. Expulsion? Unlikely, UNLESS there's a history of this kind of action.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from RWF. Show RWF's posts

    Re: Cover up for our child?

    Just a quick note to thank everybody for your input.  My wife's had a change of heart and we're going to address the problem head on.

    FYI - there was another girl involved with my daughter who did the same thing.  Her parents are choosing to look the other way.  Their problem.

    Our great concern is the tenderness of a 14 year old's psyche.  Our public school system (Montgomery County, Maryland) is very strict, as are others in this region, and some kids have really tailspinned very badly when on the short end of discipline.

    Thanks again.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from IPWBride. Show IPWBride's posts

    Re: Cover up for our child?

    You mention a very strict school system where you are.  I often wonder, if discipline by school systems is actually getting stricter because many parents are starting to look the other way (I don't know if its laziness, they don't want to "hurt their kid's feelings" or they just don't know how to discipline??).  I'm 20 years out of high school, so another generation, but not by much.  And when I did things wrong, I was disciplined.  And I'm not scarred - in fact I actually know my boundaries and thank my parents almost daily that they were strict.  I'm going to take a wild guess that the kids who tailspinned badly were the ones who were never told no by their parents, so the first time they received negative consequences, they lost it.
     
    This is actually a great topic for a larger conversation.  What is happening to discipline?  Why are kids getting away with things that would have horrified our parent's and grandparent's generation.  

    On the news the other day, a student had a teacher up against a wall yelling in her face.  My husband looks at me and said "my Dad would have whacked me had he found out my behavior."  Nowadays, the parents probably gave the kid a medal for freedom of expression.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from IPWBride. Show IPWBride's posts

    Re: Cover up for our child?

    Oh, and RWF, THANK YOU for teaching your daughter right from wrong.  She's actually a lucky girl for having you and her mom, and a future adult that I would look forward to meeting one day!
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from RWF. Show RWF's posts

    Re: Cover up for our child?

    IPWBride et al.:

    No, THANK YOU!  

    It's really nice to know that we're not alone.  It does take a village!

    From my perspective, I think the real problem here (metropolitan Washington, D.C.) is the competitive nature of the area's parents.  It seems as if a lot of child-rearing decisions we see in our area are not so much about doing the "right" thing as it is about not doing anything to adversely effect your child's chances of getting into a really good college. But I don't want to generalize.  That's not fair to the really, really great parents here.

    In any event, again, thank you all for your advice, assistance and input.  Very greatly appreciated.




    In Response to Re: Cover up for our child?:
    Oh, and RWF, THANK YOU for teaching your daughter right from wrong.  She's actually a lucky girl for having you and her mom, and a future adult that I would look forward to meeting one day!
    Posted by IPWBride

     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from RedFishBlueFish. Show RedFishBlueFish's posts

    Re: Cover up for our child?

    Keep in mind that the other child involved may get busted anyway. If your daughter admits the truth (and you support her), they may be forced to confront the other child.

    The rule in my house growing up was that the lie was worse than the offense. We were usually given much more lenient punishment if we owned up to the truth when caught than if we tried to weasel out of it.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from RWF. Show RWF's posts

    Re: Cover up for our child?

    RFBF

    Thanks.  

    Yes, the other child got busted, too (the school called them also) but those parents are choosing to deal with the problem differently.  

    And, yes, we also embrace your house's rule - the lie does make the consequence worse.

    We think she's learned a valuable lesson (we love her; right from wrong; good moral compass, etc.) even if the consequences seem dire (detention; grounded; not going to the Glee concert tonight!).  

    I'm earning my grey hairs one at a time!

    Thanks again.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Cover up for our child?

    You're right - at 14 her psyche is delicate and impressionable - all the more reason to do the right thing just like you've chosen to do.  

    There definitely are more permissive areas than others, I totally agree.  Two of my siblings are raising their kids in California.  Don't get me started on how nutty it is out there and what they have to deal with as far as peer pressure goes from other kids AND other parents!

    Good luck with all of this, and I'm glad Mom came around so that you are working as a strong parental team.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from Lostgrouse. Show Lostgrouse's posts

    Re: Cover up for our child?

    RWF--so did she get a suspension?  

    I also think that you made the right call.  
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from RWF. Show RWF's posts

    Re: Cover up for our child?

    Update

    She received a detention from the school in addition to what we imposed.

    FYI - her BFF (a different girl than the one involved in this incident) was able to snag 2 tickets to see the "Glee" live performance tonight, which we paid for (they both sing), but now we're not letting her go (we gave her ticket to the BFF's sister).  Hopefully, lesson learned.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Cover up for our child?

    Congrats, again, on following through with all this - it must be VERY hard.  But, like you say, hopefully, "lesson learned" and that will be that.  I'd like to compare where your daughter and the other girl who participated are in 20 years...
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from miscricket. Show miscricket's posts

    Re: Cover up for our child?

    I think that you did the right thing..it's hard trying to balance "protecting" your child and "teaching" them.
     
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