Do you believe that parents can be their child's friend and still be an effective parent?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: Do you believe that parents can be their child's friend and still be an effective parent?

    In Response to Re: Do you believe that parents can be their child's friend and still be an effective parent?:
    I think I'm more like misslily here.  I have a positive, adult relationship with my mother, but we are not what I would consider friends.  I hope to have the same type of relationship with my child.  lemonmelon and poppy609, what do you mean by unconditionally like?
    Posted by ElmiraGulch


    The feeling that someone likes who you are as a person, enjoys knowing you, and wants to know you forever.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from RedFishBlueFish. Show RedFishBlueFish's posts

    Re: Do you believe that parents can be their child's friend and still be an effective parent?

    As with any people, there are those who you like and enjoy spending time with... and those you don't. I don't doubt that most parents unconditionally love their children, but that is not the same thing as liking their children. They may not share the same interests, views, sense of humor, and so on.

    You choose your friends, so most people choose those with whom spending time is a joy. For some parents, this is the case with their children (that is, spending time together is a joy). For others, it couldn't be further from it.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Do you believe that parents can be their child's friend and still be an effective parent?

    In Response to Re: Do you believe that parents can be their child's friend and still be an effective parent?:
    lemonmelon and poppy609, what do you mean by unconditionally like?
    Posted by ElmiraGulch


    I think the liking IS conditional, and that's what makes it so powerful. I like my daughter because she is a good person who makes good decisions for good reasons, because she's funny, smart, imaginative. kind, empathetic, feisty, fun, and just the teeniest bit naughty in a very charming way. I like my husband for many of the same reasons. My husband is also my friend. I LOVE them both because the moment I locked eyes on them my entire being was filled with intense and powerful emotion that's impossible to describe, but I'm sure you all know exactly what I mean. That love was something over which I had no control, and something I  will always feel, regardless of what they do. If my daughter turned into Paris Hilton and my husband into Charlie Sheen I would still love them but I wouldn't like them very much. The liking is based entirely on their own personalities. But because they  want to continue to be liked by me, they continue to behave in an awesome manner; I do the same with them. If I didn't care whether or not they liked me, I'd just be a jerk all the time.

    Now I feel like a robot alien. It's weird to try to explain friendship like that.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Do you believe that parents can be their child's friend and still be an effective parent?

    You know, thinking about friendship in those terms also makes me think about how incredibly gross and dysfunctional it is to hear people say "she doesn't care what anyone thinks of her" as a compliment, or "I don't care if anyone thinks I'm a b*tch." I feel terrible when someone I  care about thinks I'm mean or snotty or whatever. Caring about what other people think is what allows us to live in a society, and the people who don't care are the ones who run AIG or try to get onto the T when others are getting off. They're no better than animals.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: Do you believe that parents can be their child's friend and still be an effective parent?

    In Response to Re: Do you believe that parents can be their child's friend and still be an effective parent?:
    the people who don't care are the ones who run AIG or try to get onto the T when others are getting off. They're no better than animals.
    Posted by lemonmelon


    I think parking-ticket-giver-outers (what is their official title?) fall into that group as well.

    And I've been thinking about my use of "unconditional" in terms of "like" and kind of like you mentioned, Lemon, I don't think the word "unconditional" is quite right in regard to "liking" someone.  I think you explained it well.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from misslily. Show misslily's posts

    Re: Do you believe that parents can be their child's friend and still be an effective parent?

    I guess I need to clarify.  I love hanging out with my kids.  I like them as people and I love watching their personalities developing.  And I totally agree that liking them is as important as loving them.  I really like my mom too - and I know she's always liked me.  We have a lot in common - like the same kinds of movies, clothes, books, gossip etc.
    I guess I just choose to categorize those relationships a little differently from my "non-family" friendships.
    :)
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from calricejones. Show calricejones's posts

    Re: Do you believe that parents can be their child's friend and still be an effective parent?

    In Response to Do you believe that parents can be their child's friend and still be an effective parent?:
    In today's day and age , with parents wanting to be their child's friend,do YOU think that it is possible to be both ?
    Posted by Heisinberg
    .

    I think as kids grow older, the parent’s role becomes more functional and less emotional, which is a hard lesson for parents who want to be their child’s “best friend.” As parents, they may feel those emotions inside, but they really have to do more for their child functionally, and set limits with the child. Limit setting is a very healthy function. It’s how kids learn to figure out what’s safe and what’s not safe. What’s appropriate and what’s not appropriate. The functional role changes for parents as the child grows.

    If you have a tendency to treat your child as a “friend,” you should understand the important interpretation of friendship. They have entirely different notions about what’s right and wrong. So I think that you need to be a parent to your child and be loving, caring and responsible. But I think you have to find your confidantes outside of that family structure.


    Steady, proactive and useful tips on parenting builds a foundation which will prevent from wreaking damage or destruction on your relationship with your children.

     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from purplecow89. Show purplecow89's posts

    Re: Do you believe that parents can be their child's friend and still be an effective parent?

    Interesting discussion, but when people say "Jane wants to be her child's friend," what they really mean is, "I think Jane is too permissive, and it's because she is too lily-livered to say no to her child because then her child won't like her anymore, so her kid is a spoiled brat."  They don't mean Mom and adolescent daughter joining a book club together.

     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from MrsJay. Show MrsJay's posts

    Re: Do you believe that parents can be their child's friend and still be an effective parent?

    While I don't so much want to be my almost 4yo daughter's "friend", I do believe I am a much more effective parent by treating her with the kindness and respect that I would show any of my other friends.  However, I am her parent first.  She knows when I put my foot down, I mean business and that's that.  On the other hand, we can laugh together like friends when the time is right and she is happy to tell me all about her day and she will often ask me how my day is.  When I have a decision to make about what to have for dinner or what to do that day, I ask what she wants.  It makes her feel important and I try to make an effort to actually listen and do some of what she comes up with.  It does not give her the power in our relationship; I am clearly the mom and not her BFF.  We are not equals, but she knows I respect her and she, in turn, is as respectul as I can ask a small girl to be.

     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from beantownemom. Show beantownemom's posts

    Re: Do you believe that parents can be their child's friend and still be an effective parent?

    In Response to Do you believe that parents can be their child's friend and still be an effective parent?:
    In today's day and age , with parents wanting to be their child's friend,do YOU think that it is possible to be both ?
    Posted by Heisinberg


    Parents need to be parents.  Kids need boundaries, limits and a model to look up to.  If you are a child's friend, the lines get blurred because you always want to do whatever will make him or her "like you".  As a kid, I did not always "like" my parents, but I respected them and their authority.  Now, as an adult, I like, respect and love them.  Our relationship has grown to be more mutual over the years, but it was only in my 30s and 40s did we become more like friends.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Do you believe that parents can be their child's friend and still be an effective parent?

    In Response to Re: Do you believe that parents can be their child's friend and still be an effective parent?:
    If you are a child's friend, the lines get blurred because you always want to do whatever will make him or her "like you".
    Posted by beantownemom



    I don't do that with my friends.
     
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