Second Child Dilema

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from quadgirl1234. Show quadgirl1234's posts

    Second Child Dilema

    I post infrequently on these boards.  I know you guys have great advice so I need someone to tell me if I have the wrong way of thinking right now.

    DH and I have DD who is 21 months old.  Recently this year we have brought up the discussion about when to have a second child.   We are both in agreement we want a 2nd but the only issue is our living arrangements.  We bought our house 5 yrs ago when the market was at peak.   We were 25, it was our starter house and we never imagined being there for the long haul.   Well the market crashed, and so on so we are still there.  The house is very tiny, with only 2 bedrooms and the second bedroom is very small and really not ideal for two children.  Adding on to the house is not an option has I am pretty sure any money we put in we would just lose anyway when we sell. 

    I have told DH that I think we should make do with the situation we are in as having a family is long term and hopefully one day before we are 60 we would be able to sell our house to a more family friendly house.     DH is pretty firm with not having any more children until we find a bigger place.   Do you think I am not thinking clearly about having another child and making do with what we have until we can move?  I mean people raise very happy, wonderful children in one bedroom apartments, right?  I know it is not the ideal situation.    I don’t want our kids to be far apart in age and I also would like to be on the younger side.  I am only 31 so we still have time. I know there is never a good time as something will always come up but this is one thing that is holding us back.

     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Second Child Dilema

    My SIL and her DH raised 3 kids in a 900 sq foot house with one bathroom.  They were cramped but happy.  When the oldest child graduated from high school, they were finally able to buy a bigger (much bigger!) home for the 4 of them left (the oldest went off to college). 

    Not sure what the moral of this story is, but time's a wastin' if you want another.  Ask DH if he can picture your family with just one child forever. He might not realize that his wanting to wait might preclude having another baby.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Second Child Dilema

    Or maybe he doesn't want to have another baby, or at least not yet, and is using the house as an excuse.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from MM379. Show MM379's posts

    Re: Second Child Dilema

    I think both you and DH make very valid points each.  I hope I don't sound crazy here or that it sounds like I'm taking his side, but can you guys have your cake and eat it too, essentially?  I think one thing to think about is DH does know now what kids entail, and perhaps the space issue really is a priority for him... for some people its finances, for some its having child #1 potty trained, for some it is space, and for some it's the more the merrier whenever we are so blessed to have more.  Maybe the space issue is just too much of a stressor for your husband, and not just a wishful thinking thing... I mean who doesn't think they need more space?  You may have some conflicting ideals and ideas about the next step, with neither being more right or wrong or more unrealistic or unrealistic, the difference probably just has to do with basic preferences, values, and personality differences we all have.  If you both have priorities that are immediate and important to you both (yours is having the next child sooner rather than later and his is having enough space), then I encourage you guys to really look at the picture at every which angle to see if both ways can actually happen now.  Is there a basement that can be turned into a new master bedroom for not as much cost as an addition?  Can you two take the smaller bedroom and put 2 kids in the bigger one?  Is selling your house absolutely impossible due to the math and the loss, or would it mean accepting a loss, but one you could in reality handle?  Just some ideas to throw out there in case you are feeling like its my way or his way... maybe you both could do this in a way/time that makes you both comfortable and happy.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Second Child Dilema

    I understand your dilemma... Here are a couple of thoughts...

    Could you try to sell the house?  Or is trading up not an option right now?  I wouldn't assume you can't sell without trying, or at least talking to a realtor.

    Everyone has different preferences, but personally I would like to have 3 years between kids, so you have some time in my eyes! 

    Best wishes as you figure this out!

     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Second Child Dilema

    Yeah, my daughter is 21 months now, and even though I do kind of want another baby, I also really just want to enjoy her right now.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from lizinboston. Show lizinboston's posts

    Re: Second Child Dilema

    Quad, I can tell you that DH and I live in a two bedroom house. We plan on staying here for at LEAST 10 years, and we plan on having two children within the next 5 years, so I personally, think it can be done. But you and your DH have to come to some compromise. Sorry, that wasn't much help, but I wanted to let you know that I also will be raising two children in a two bedroom house for awhile :)
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Second Child Dilema

    Look on the bright side -- when you MIL wants to visit you can say, "sorry, we don't have room."
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from Melsau2006. Show Melsau2006's posts

    Re: Second Child Dilema

    We live in a "3" bedroom house with 4 kids. We were in the same situation as you - buying at the height of the market and now being stuck in a house that is too small.  We can't sell because we'll loose too much money on our place. 
    Because of my age (39) we didn't feel comfortable waiting. Also, we decided that I would stay home with the babies, so it made sense for us to have them close together.
    My two sons (11 and 13) share a room, and the girls (18 months and 4 months) will share a room.  (The baby is only still sleeps in our room.) ACtually, their room isn't really a bedroom at all. It was a small office. But, we make it work.
    We're pretty sure the housing situation isn't going to stay like this forever, but until it does, we make do.
    Good luck!
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Second Child Dilema

    I don't understand why the bedroom space is such an issue for children.  As long as they have a playroom [or area outside of the bedrooms in which to play and spread their toys] why do they need an enormous area in which to sleep?  You can do amazing things w/ closet organizers and such. Also, when they kids get bigger and need full sized [as opposed to kiddie] beds, there is always the option of bunk beds.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from quadgirl1234. Show quadgirl1234's posts

    Re: Second Child Dilema

    Thanks Everyone.  It is def a touchy subject for him.  I brought it up again last night and he just does not want to talk about it.  I know he has valid points but I think I do to so we need to way the pros and cons. 

    There is no way we could sell, we would be out too much money and there is no room for an addition. 

    Lemon- It has been nice all these years that no one can stay over.  I like my space from in laws, moms, dads etc... That is the only good thing I guess.   I also agree that I want to enjoy DD as long as I can and give her all our attention.  I think deciding when a good time to have a second child has a lot of pros and cons.  We struggled with wanting to spend enough time with our 21 month old and letting her be a baby to not wanting them to be too far apart because when she is old enough to do bigger activities like ski or take a trip to disney lets say, we will have another one now that is lagging behind that we will have to wait for.  There is a lot to thinka about.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from MichelleandtheBoys. Show MichelleandtheBoys's posts

    Re: Second Child Dilema

    I can't help with the space issue, but as you said, people do it all the time.  My kids are 23 months apart, and I think it is perfect!  We can all do the same things together, they have very similar interests, and are best friends.  That was one reason I hesitated with having a third child.  Since we didn't do it w/in two years, I was always afraid of messing up the family dynamic.  We like to go out a lot, and go to places like Disney, and the four of us like to have fun together.  I didn't want my husband taking the boys on rides, etc. and me to miss it all because I had to watch a baby.  Now I wish I had just done it, because it only gets harder in that regard. 


    MELSAU2006 - I want to talk to you!  How is it having the older boys and two babies?  My boys are 8 and 10, and we have been debating for years whether or not to have another child. We didn't want to wait more than 3 years, but we just weren't ready, so I kept waiting.  Then we were afraid to mess up a good thing.  Then I thought I was too old and they were too old, but I never stopped thinking about it.  Now, I just turned 40 last month!, so I keep thinking, sadly, we've really lost our window.  But I just saw the ages of your kids.  That's awesome.  It must have really changed everyone's life to have two new babies?! How did the older boys feel about it?  That's great that you have two close boys and two close girls.  Another reason I didn't have a third was because I would have preferred to have two more close in age, but thought I was too old a few years ago.  Little did I know I'd still be considering it now! ha, ha.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from rysmom. Show rysmom's posts

    Re: Second Child Dilema

    Quad - I'd give him some time and then broach the subject again.  I am sure you can figure out a way for the kids to share a room until you can sell.  Or maybe an addition can be done in a way you haven't thought og yet (like going up?).  Keep in mind that our parents and grandparent generation probably lived in a 2-3 bedroom house with 3-8 kids.  We as a society are space hogs and have too much "stuff" (I include myself in this).
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Second Child Dilema

    michelle, you should go for it! My sister had a baby when my oldest nephew was eight, and it worked out really well. The older boy thought of the younger one as his baby and would say things to him like, "I asked God for a baby brother and he sent you to me. You're my baby." and my sister would be all, "where did THAT come from?" (they're not a religious family.)
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from Lostgrouse. Show Lostgrouse's posts

    Re: Second Child Dilema

    Quad--I don't know if it's a possibility at all, but we had a 900 sq. ft. condo and we just moved this past summer into a house.  We're renting the condo out because it would have been too much of a loss to sell it.  That's just from a financial standpoint though about renting, nothing to do with your decision to have another child. 

    We just had #2 and they're 27 months apart.  Now we live in a bigger house and space is not an issue, but we were planning on staying in our 2 br condo for even longer despite having 2 kids (but we stumbled on the right house in a short sale) as the second one would stay in our room for the first 6 months or so.  Now, although we have a big house, our daughter has her own bedroom and we are sharing a bedroom with our son.  We still have a guest bedroom and the master bedroom that we don't use right now, but we often miss the coziness that we had in our old condo.  
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from carriefranf. Show carriefranf's posts

    Re: Second Child Dilema

    Just my two cents -- we're in a small 2 bedroom with a 2.9 year old boy and 5 month old girl.  They're sharing a very small bedroom, I was really terrified about that since DS is a terrible sleeper, but they almost never wake each other up.  It's almost like they sleep better because they're together.  So the space isn't an issue for us, really.  We just have to be fairly organized.  BUT, if I had the decision to make over again, I would've spaced them a little further apart.  Maybe 3 or 3.5 years?  Just because it's been a really hard adjustment for DS, at a time in his life where a million transitions happened all within a few months: weaning, giving up a pacifier, giving up napping, going to a bed instead of a crib, potty training, becoming a big brother, all at once. 
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from CT-DC. Show CT-DC's posts

    Re: Second Child Dilema

    By chance, did your husband come from a family with only 2 children, each with their own bedroom, a livingroom, diningroom, playroom, kitchen, etc. etc.?  Not a mansion, but a typical 4 bedroom house?  And did, by chance, come from a family with kids who shared a bedroom, small livingroom, diningroom, etc?

    I say this because you might each have those underlying "assumptions" about
    "what having my children in the right kind of situation/house/growing up SHOULD look like".

    that is, I am from the first set, so I can't IMAGINE having my children share a bedroom.  (back in the day when I thought I'd have kids) and yet plenty of my friends loved sharing a bedroom (mostly) and did that with their kids even though they had enough bedrooms not to do it.

    And I lived in an itsy, bitsy, teeny tiny apt for about 4 years and got VERY FREAKIN' TIRED of having everything I owned "nested" inside each other just to store things.  And of having to keep the apt PSYCHOTICALLY NEAT so I wouldn't break my leg getting to the bathroom, etc.  when my husband and I bought a 4 bedroom house with 2 bathrooms I thought I'd died and gone to heaven!  I could actually leave the newspaper on the floor ALL SUNDAY wihtout causing a fire hazard!  OMG!  Perhaps this is how your husband is feeling, given the amount of kid stuff you have, etc. in the livingroom, or whatever?

     

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