Biting???

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from malw. Show malw's posts

    Biting???

    Help!

    26 month old twins - one has bitten the other twice in two days HARD.  I let her see me totally focus on helping him, I say " no biting". But what else?.?   This needs to stop!

     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Biting???

    Empathy is not a 2 year old's thing.  You have to make biting something they are sorry they did in a self-centered way - it has to impact the biter DIRECTLY.  Your showing him anything to do with the sibling and the effects of having been bitten is great (they have to learn empathy somehow), but it isn't going to deter the behavior because the effect you are showing him doesn't have anything to do with him as the biter.  

    As for how to make it count for HIM personally, I have no idea.  I'm not for corporal punishment at all, but it has to be pesonal and "painful" enough personally that he thinks twice about ever biting again.  It has to cost HIM something.  And, the hurt of someone else is not a cost to him at this age.

     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from KAM2007. Show KAM2007's posts

    Re: Biting???

    In line with what Kar is saying- say No biting, removing the biter to a time out (Crib, play pen, etc-some place where you can remove yourself to care for the bitee), take care of the bitee. At the end of the timeout (1 min for 1 year of age) go, have the biter say sorry. 

    Removing them from the fun/action/environment/compassion/attention is what is going to impact them at this age. 

    Is he teething? Is he doing it around certaing times? (hungry, tired, over stimulated?) Look at the when to see if there's a pattern to try and redirect him/impact the cause. Earlier snack/quiet time/cold teether. 

    Good luck!

     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from malw. Show malw's posts

    Re: Biting???

    She is teething, I know she has a two year molar coming in.,  but so does he, he has two coming!   Ok,time outs here we go...

     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Biting???

    Time outs get mixed reviews and to be successful they take commitment and unwaivering consistency from parents willing to ignore their very unhappy toddler.  If you decided CIO would work for your family and you followed a CIO regimen that led to success, you might be a good candidate to try timeouts, but if CIO wasn't your thing maybe not.  They take nerves and commitment of steel.

    timeouts aren't the only form of non-corporal punishment that will be good currency for a child that age.

    ETA: if you decide timeout is something you do want to try, I suggest reading a number of sets of guidelines from different sources and see what matches your style best and go with that instead of making it up yourself.  There are at least age v times that are well proven - no need to reinvent the wheel. :)

     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from rama8677. Show rama8677's posts

    Re: Biting???

    Kar, I disagree slightly with your CIO/timeout analogy. i see how you can compare the two in that they both require consistency and the parents having to watch/allow the child to cry to achieve an end goal. However, the big difference is a time out is very short whereas CIO can be a long process, lasting hours if necessary. They generally say that you keep the timeouts to a minute per how old the child is. So for a 26 month old, two minutes tOps. the parents can choose a time out spot, like a corner of the room, the bottom step, a pack n play etc. whereas CIO takes place in the crib, lights out etc. 

     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Biting???

    Good point, rama - thanks for the added insight on the timing difference and related parental tolerance between them.

    It can work great, but I've seen it be a hopeless disaster, as well, and it seems to depend on having and sticking with a tried and true plan that's worked out well in advance of the next time DS chomps on his bro.  There are methods out there that make it more likely to succeed, but they all involve not caving in to his desire to leave timeout, his dismay with being punished, and tears. :(

     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from CT-DC. Show CT-DC's posts

    Re: Biting???

    Honestly, the biting will stop eventually - either sooner or later - and it's probably related to the fact that you daughter's teeth HURT.  Yes, her brother's (the victim) teeth hurt, too, but some children are more prone to bite than others are.  Just as some will hit when frustrated or want something, others will cry and whine, others will pinch and grab.... 

    While biting hurts and seems like such a horrible action, it is totally age appropriate for children up to 2, 21/2 yrs old.  I'd say a 4 yr old biting is not age appropriate, but for a toddler, it's still about the fact that they can't express their desires or frustrations, combined with the fact that their teeth are hurting which makes them focus on their mouth - and teeth. 

    So, yes, notice when it happens and what's happening right before the bite.  She is teething, so she's going to be more prone to do this for the next week or so.  Is she doing it because he took something of her's?  Or just reached across her face, getting "into her space?"  Was it right before lunch or bed, so she's also hungry or tired?  Did she not sleep well last night so is tired?

    Help them to begin speaking and using their words to solve problems - keep the phrase you encourage them to say very SHORT.  One grabs the truck?  Tell the victim 'say no, my truck' - you don't want to overburden them with a paragraph they are supposed to say.  Then you say 'You can't grab, but you can have another truck.' 

    Just keep at it, this will pass, I promise, and make sure you put an icepack on the bite, it helps to kill the pain.  At our childcare center, we shadow children who bite so that they are never very far from an adult who can stop the bite in process and the teeth don't end up in another shoulder or arm.  You may need to hover a bit more over their play than you usually do. 

     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from malw. Show malw's posts

    Re: Biting???

    Thanks ladies.  I'm trying to hover - I grabbed her twice when I saw the mouth opening, and once when she had no idea why I was grabbing her, she wasn't going after himthat time.  I've never seen this behavior before 2 days ago :-(. She is a bit smaller and he does tend to take (whatever), but one of those episodes was just that he got too close.  The irony is that she's the talker, she has words and has been able to say "no" until now... When we talk afterwards, she can tell me she made him cry, that she bit and it hurt him.  But then she tries it again

    On the same vein.  They aren't in cribs (long time, were climbing out at 17 mos), and they can both climb out of playpen in a second.  But corner of room or bottom step - at this age they won't stay unless I sit there beside them and make them...

    Other than sitting them on your lap and holding them, suggestions on how you enforce a timeout with a 2 yr old?  

     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from KAM2007. Show KAM2007's posts

    Re: Biting???

    Malw-if she's teething, and its not a behavioral thing, I'd focus more on the hovering, offering more cold teethers, (motrin, highland teething tablets-what ever you feel comfortable with) to help with the pain. If she bites again, she doesn't get your attention, he gets your attention. She says sorry at the end. It will pass in a week or two.

    Do they go to day care? I ask because DD's teachers claim all the kids go through biting phases at the same time. randomly for a week or two everyones biting everyone.

    When DS was that age he was horrible at staying in time out-hence the suggestion to put the biter in a safe spot, walk away to tend to the bitee. I'd look for some books on parenting with twins-that's a whole different challenge! When DS got older we started with Magic-1-2-3 and found that helpful.

     

     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from misslily. Show misslily's posts

    Re: Biting???

    My kids have never stayed in a time out. I try and give the toys they are playing with a time out instead. But for biting I always remove the biter from the situation. Even if I have to sit with him on the step or put him in the pack & play and stand there. I had a no-tolerance policy. You bite for whatever reason, you get removed from whatever you were doing.

    I also showed a lot of love and care for the victim.

    It's a phase that will pass - but I'd hover and try and keep it from happening to save your poor victim twin from too much pain!

    Good luck!

     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from malw. Show malw's posts

    Re: Biting???

    Thank you all agaiN, I knew I would hear to the point logical suggestions here.  Greatly appreciated. 

     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from malw. Show malw's posts

    Re: Biting???

    Thank you ladies.  I knew I would hear logical practical ideas here.  Much appreciated!

     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from Ihavemyhats. Show Ihavemyhats's posts

    Re: Biting???

    When mine was two, showing that we were angry/disappointed with her was very effective.  If you put her in time out, and she leaves it, then put her back.    If you have to do it 10 times, then do it.  Consistency is all.

    I remember my just two year old niece biting her baby brother.  She did it purposefully; she wanted to hurt him because he was taking Mom's attention away.  It really has nothing to do with teething.  Giving her special/extra cold teethers will have no effect.    Taking your attention away from the biter and giving it to the bitee is more likely to be effective.

     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from CT-DC. Show CT-DC's posts

    Re: Biting???

    Most two year olds aren't able to be in time out - that whole "number of minutes per their age" tihng may be fine at 3 or 4 yrs old, but at 2 yrs old, most children don't have the self control to stay on the step/in the chair/in their rooms (without opening the door) for any minutes, never mind 2!

    So, yes, they may be told to find something else to do if they are throwing blocks after a reminder or two.  "You can't throw the blocks. Can you build up high, look, can you put it on top of mine?"  that child will either build with the blocks or throw again.  if building, great, you keep playing and building (then knock it down and build again).  if the child throws (and many will, because they just want to be throwing, not building stupid blocks in a stupid tower, ha ha) then you calmly say "you can't throw the blocks. Let's go get the balls and throw them.  Or let's go get playdough and use that (because if you don't allow ball throwing in your house, and you can't go outside in that moment for about 1000 reasons, you want to find something physical for your child, not sitting down and doing puzzles because your child is needing something physical in that moment, not cerebral).  And then you FOLLOW THROUGH by taking your child's hand and doing that thing. You don't just direct them to go and hope they go, because they won't.  Again, they are 2 yrs old.

     

    Remember, though, if your other twin is playing properly with the blocks, you can't clean up the blocks becuase other twin (or other sibling) is throwing htem.  Not fair, and I've seen many parents do it because it's easier than dealing with the throwing child.  So it's back to paragraph one if there are 2 or more children using said blocks. 

    Shadow, shadow, shadow, hover, hover, hover and your child will stop biting in a week or so because you'll stop it (and I wouldn't even speak when I caught and redirected - I just take the child's face and move it away, or move the biter in a different direction, so that the biter doesn't hear "no biting, no biting" a thousand times a day.  The less said the better, because even negative attention is attention and a child craves attention.  Once a child stops biting so much, they tend to stop attempting so much because it's moved farther back in their mind.

    there are just some children for whom it occurs to bite and others it doesn't - doesn't mean there is anything wrong with that child, etc.  Now, a 4 yr old or older shouldn't be biting, period, and if that chlid is biting, then there is a problem.  I mean a 4 yr old who is developmentally on target with language, cognitive development, and emotional development, etc., not a child with special needs or with emotional problems.

     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from malw. Show malw's posts

    Re: Biting???

    Thanks ladies.   I may be naive or overly optimistic, but the biting seems to have stopped as suddenly as it started.  We had the two events, they were terrible - fortunately nothing since.  

    CT, it's so true - its so tempting to tailor what we do, to whoever is misbehaving.   Whether its cleaning up the blocks, the direction of the walk or which book we read.  It takes being that much more  thoughtful to not reinforce "bad" accidently....

     
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