January - Infant and Toddlers

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    I'm completely furious right now and need someone to talk me down. 

    I leave for work between 7-7:15 in the morning  and sometimes the timing works where I get to give DD her morning bottle.  It all depends on what time she gets up.  I love the mornings it works out because it's my only time with her until 6pm.  (BTW, this is NOT a new phenomenon.  It's been this way since we moved in with my in-laws in September).  This morning, my MIL was holding her while I got her bottle.  I went over and DD sort of waved me away, but clearly wanted the bottle.  So my MIL says, "You want NONNI to give you your bottle?"  And of course that's what DD wanted.  My MIL, who we live with and who cares for DD the 11 hours I'm gone on Mondays and Tuesdays (and most Thursdays and Fridays), can't figure out that it means a lot to me to have 10 minutes with DD in the mornings?  I had even gotten all of my clothes ready last night so that I'd be all ready in case the opportunity did arise.

    So I'm furious and need to calm down.  I gave about 6 people the finger on the way to work.  If any of them were you, I apologize.  I think I'm so upset because I go out of my way to share DD with them.  I have always encouraged DD to go to them, and if I'm holding her I'll offer her up to MIL or whatever.  I'm realizing that MIL does NOT do the same for me, ever. If she had a brain perhaps she would allow us a few minutes alone in the morning because whenever DD sees a new person come into the room, that's the person she wants to go to.  So if MIL had not come and sat 2 inches from us it wouldn't have been an issue.  Of course, it's her house, so who am I to say where she can and can't sit.

    We really need to find a house.  Sorry to vent.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from misslily. Show misslily's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    Oh Poppy - poor you. Of course you're upset and want to spend the morning with your DD. I will say that most likely your MIL never thought for one second that you needed alone time with your DD. People can be totally clueless sometimes.
    My DH is clueless to the fact that sometimes I want to get away from everyone. He has deemed Sunday "family day" and yelled at me for checking email and "taking time away form the family".  I'd like nothing better than to go upstairs and watch an hour of TV by myself while he watches the kids, but since he works all week, he totally doesn't get it.
    I'm sure if you said to MIL, "Listen, I absolutely cherish the time I get to spend with DD in the morning. It sets up my whole day so I can get though the work day properly. Otherwise I spend the whole day missing my special time with her. I'm sure as a mom you understand."
    And yes - I know what you'd like to say to her! :)
    Hang in there. I know it must be so hard.  Hard to go to work everyday, hard to live with your in-laws, hard to be pregnant during all of this...hard, hard, hard.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from Trouble30. Show Trouble30's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    Oh Poppy.. feel better!  It sounds like a combination of MIL being oblivious and your pregnancy hormones.  When I think about the things that made me cry when I was pregnant I sometimes cringe (a whole lot of crazy).  But next time just tell your MIL.  I'm sure she'll understand.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from medfordcc. Show medfordcc's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    ohhhh Poppy I totally understand.  I have been there.
    Good advice from misslily about wording.  In our case, along with the grandparents just not realizing sometimes, there is also the element where my mom can't stand to displease the LO.  So if she reaches to her, she won't say no.  I've even heard her saying about the radiator, "Mommy doesn't want you to touch that." because she doesn't want to be the bad guy!  :\  (Oh well, I'm okay being the bad guy!)
    Hang in there... it must be so hard with the living situation.  Any chance you could get the in laws to go visit relatives for a few days???

    LLLE - great to see your updates!
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from wrkingmom. Show wrkingmom's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    Oh I completely get this and dont live with my MIL.  Last summer when ds was about 14 months he went through a phase where no matter who was around all he wanted was my MIL.  I work a full week, commute, and travel overnight for work frequently so my time with ds is very very precious.  I was not even pregnant at the time and came pretty close to losing it at a family party - pretty sure a few people picked up on it and I sat myself in timeout (a quiet upstairs bedroom) for 1/2 hour as the only way to calm down. ;)  I never had to talk to her because we did not live together and he grew out of it but if you have that relationship where you can talk to her or if not can you have your husband talk to her and just explain that you would like your 20 minutes with her in the mornings?  I bet it just has not occurred to her and luckily you can always blame the pregnancy hormones!  Me I could only claim insanity!
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    Thanks, ladies for the understanding and support.

    See, I don't think it's insanity.  Maybe it is partially the pregnancy hormones talking, but I don't think it's that complicated to figure out that I'd like to see my DD for 5 minutes in the mornings.  I think about them and how to make sure they are getting quality time with DD, and I don't think it's too much to ask that they think of me once in a great while.

    All of your ideas for what to say to her are great, and I do wish I had said something simply in the moment.  I think if I tried to say something tonight it wouldn't work as well (also, I think I might burst into tears).  I think from now on in the mornings I'll take DD and the bottle to the basement (finished basement with couches and stuff; don't worry, I'm not taking my baby to a dank, dirty space just to have time alone with her) and have my time with her there before work.  There is no way I could ever ask my MIL to stay out of her own living room in the mornings.

    Medford - I do think it could be exactly that: MIL doesn't want to displease LO.  However, I've personally witnessed her get miffed when my SIL comes over and DD only wants her (SIL).  She clearly gets annoyed, so part of me almost thinks she enjoys being the chosen one.  But, again, perhaps this is partially hormonal perspective on my part.

    wrkingmom - Sorry you went through that but glad to know I"m not alone!!  DD is 15 months, and she went through a severe "mommy only" phase, so I guess I am now seeing what it's like to be on the other side.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    I think you've got to share how you feel with her, poppy.  Gently let her know that you NEED her to purposely watch for and even create times for you and DD to spend quality time alone together before you have to leave for work to lessen the pain of your having to be away from her all day.  Yes, your MIL should know this already, but she doesn't.  Resenting her for not reading your mind is hurting you the most.

    If you don't talk to her and help her help you with your emotional needs, you will have a serious meltdown with her you'll regret (despite it being deserved) and your stress level every day isn't manageable no matter how much you rely on your in-laws right now.  Just because you live there and need their help right now doesn't negate your need to be able to talk to them about things that upset you.  You've got to calm down first and then have a heart to heart about how it makes you feel when you have little moments that could have been between you and DD be "stolen" by Nanni in what is probably an innocent, albeit insensitive, attempt at helping you get ready for work.

    ETA:  Of course, you didn't have the right words right away - you were furious.  No one can think straight at that time, and you were wise to not try at that time.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from clc51510. Show clc51510's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    Poppy - I'm really sorry for what you experienced this morning.  I can absolutely see how that would throw off your whole day.  Fundamentally I agree with everyone saying that you should talk with your MIL but I think you know your relationship with MIL best and what would work for you.  Personally, I would do just what you're suggesting and move down to the basement to get your quality time with DD. I know that my MIL would not handle that conversation well and it would turn into a much bigger issue.  You know your MIL so if you think the best option is to remove yourself and DD then try it.  Now if she follows you down to the basement then you might need to move forward with the conversation.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    Resentment is a silent destroyer.  Avoidance doesn't slay that beast.  Even if the discussion gets heated, tempers will cool off and then it will be out there.  Only a mean-spirited person would then avoid solving the problem on purpose, and it doesn't seem the MIL is mean-spirited, just ignorant.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from medfordcc. Show medfordcc's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    In Response to Re: January - Infant and Toddlers:
    [QUOTE]I think about them and how to make sure they are getting quality time with DD, and I don't think it's too much to ask that they think of me once in a great while.
    Posted by poppy609[/QUOTE]
    See, I don't think that other people think of doing this for the mom (or dad) because, to them, the parent is already the most important... they think, "this child loves loves loves her mom.  I feel really lucky to get some of the love, too!"  So they don't think you need the support.
    In a twisted way, you could take it as a compliment.  It doesn't occur to them that you need support because it goes without saying that your LO loves you.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from winter09wedding. Show winter09wedding's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    so that was YOU this morning. just kidding.

    First of all- I am so sorry that happened to you. I am having a hard time getting ready to "share me" with another baby- despite how excited I am about being pregnant- which I think amplifies all of these feelings at times.  Now on to my other thoughts:

    1- my MIL is totally self centered and crazy. that said, she is also very insecure. therefore, I would not confront my MIL if she did this. However, I would make sure that I knew exactly what to say and was ready when it happened again. although I get what Kar is saying, no one in our family brings up anything with MIL- and she isn't speaking to 1/2 her family who likely did, and it isn't worth that to me because I don't believe she will ever think of my feelings first.

    2- I think that medford probably hit it right on- she was probably sooo thrilled that DD asked for her, it didn't even occur to her that it may have hurt you. she is also likely very aware that when you move out, her chances to see DD will be smaller.

    3- agreed, asking MIL to avoid her living room would be inappropriate. However, i think that if you are ready for that moment in time, and have somethings prepped- like "I really appreciate all of your help, MIL, however, I was really hoping we would have these 10 minutes to spend together before I run off to work for the whole day. would that be ok" then you may get what you want, communicate what you need to, and get the time with DD.

    i can't help but remember a few weeks ago when you were mortified that the monitor may have been on.... I am sure that living there is very stressful and it sounds like there is a lot bothering you about it. i hope you guys are able to come up with another plan that will work soon. 
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    Sorry, didn't mean for this to turn into therapy hour for me.

    Thanks for all of your thoughts.  If I can bring myself to say something in a calm, upbeat, firm way, I will.  If, however, I feel on the brink of tears (as I often do these days) I'm going to wait.  My MIL is extremely passive aggressive, and I think I can tend toward that as well and I really don't want to be that way, so I will address it if I can bring myself to!

    Medford - you might be right.  What does it say about me that I instantly assume someone is doing something purposely to hurt me?

    winter - ugh, the monitor!!  I still haven't fully recovered from that.

    clc - if she follows me to the basement we do, indeed, have an issue!
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from Trouble30. Show Trouble30's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    The grass is always greener... what I wouldn't give to have extended family living close by that were providing too much help.  
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from luvRIboy. Show luvRIboy's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    Poppy...your situation is tough on all levels...and I'm sure that the fact that you're living there and really don't have the privacy you wish you did makes it all the harder.  I know I feel the same way in the evenings if I have to work late and can't be the one who gets DD ready for bed and settles her in...that's our special time, just as the mornings are my husband's with her.  You feel robbed, whether it's done in good faith or maliciously, it doesn't matter. 

    I think it's important if you do talk to her that you use "I feel" or "I want"...it's less about her giving your DD the bottle, and more about you wanting that time. 

    AFM, we've been battling double ear infections which fortunately had the good timing to appear at the same time as her 15 month app't.  She's 20 lbs, 4 oz, and 30.2 inches long...steadily moving along her own curve, which is what matters most.  And my pedi said they were looking for 3-5 words, other than ma-ma and da-da...

    She starts full time in the toddler room today, which makes me a little sad, since she's no longer an infant by any standard!  Also saw a friend and her newborn over the weekend, and I'd forgotten how little they all start out...reset my brain a bit for what's coming my way in August! 
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    In Response to Re: January - Infant and Toddlers:
    [QUOTE]Sorry, didn't mean for this to turn into therapy hour for me. Thanks for all of your thoughts.  If I can bring myself to say something in a calm, upbeat, firm way, I will.  If, however, I feel on the brink of tears (as I often do these days) I'm going to wait.  My MIL is extremely passive aggressive, and I think I can tend toward that as well and I really don't want to be that way, so I will address it if I can bring myself to! Medford - you might be right.  What does it say about me that I instantly assume someone is doing something purposely to hurt me? winter - ugh, the monitor!!  I still haven't fully recovered from that. clc - if she follows me to the basement we do, indeed, have an issue!
    Posted by poppy609[/QUOTE]

    Sounds like a letter might help you organize your thoughts.  Take all the time you need to write what needs to be communicated in a gentle, thoughtful, non-inflammatory, direct (not passive) way.  It will take a few drafts, each one probably being shorter as you cut out the things that are repetative and/or inflammatory sounding as you revise it.  Work on it a little every day this week, and when you are happy with its content and tone ask her to listen as you read it as a springboard to a respectful conversation (at least as far as you're concerned - you can't be responsible for her if she is disrespectful in her response).  Ensure you read it to her aloud and let her know ahead of time that you'd like it to be a springboard (not a stand alone thing) to a conversation you'd like to have with her.  (As much as you'd probably like to, don't say, "Here, read this," as you walk away!)  The letter will safely remove all the negative emotions from what you have to say, it will allow you to present your thoughts in an organized fashion with all the points you intend to make right in front of you so you can't forget under the stress of the situation, and allows her to respond and communicate with you about it after hearing your filtered-for-attitude concerns.

    I've done this with DH with difficult things for me to share, and it's gone very well (although, not easily - it just can't be easy no matter what communication technique you use).  Big things like "I'm 40 now and not sure I want to keep trying to have kids" and "I feel like your relationship with your brother is damaging our marriage."  It's never comfortable to bring these things up for discussion, but this technique gets the conversation going on respectful, factual, and not overly emotional footing.  If you read it a few times out loud to yourself first, you'll be able to read it out loud to her without crying.  
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from winter09wedding. Show winter09wedding's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    ps. if you feel like being passive aggressive, you can always leave the monitor on and cry to DS that DD picked MIL and how it broke your heart and you were sad the whole day.

    either way- it isn't therapy hour for you, it is group. we all get our share (learning to deal with a passive aggressive MIL is helpful for me too!)

    Luv- the toddler transition was hard for us- he was so ready, but I still have to get myself to turn the other direction in the hallway. i miss how gentle the teachers were (to me, not just him)
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    Luv - sorry about DD's poor ears. :(  Thanks for the 15 month update!  Great stats, and good to know about the # of words.  Hope the toddler room transition goes well.  DH and I also recently visited a friend with a newborn.  I *swear* DD was never that small! And as far as the nightly routine: I think everyone in my household knows bedtime is MINE.  :)
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from GC1016. Show GC1016's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    In Response to Re: January - Infant and Toddlers:
    [QUOTE]so that was YOU this morning. just kidding. First of all- I am so sorry that happened to you. I am having a hard time getting ready to "share me" with another baby- despite how excited I am about being pregnant- which I think amplifies all of these feelings at times.  Now on to my other thoughts: 1- my MIL is totally self centered and crazy. that said, she is also very insecure. therefore, I would not confront my MIL if she did this. However, I would make sure that I knew exactly what to say and was ready when it happened again. although I get what Kar is saying, no one in our family brings up anything with MIL- and she isn't speaking to 1/2 her family who likely did, and it isn't worth that to me because I don't believe she will ever think of my feelings first. 2- I think that medford probably hit it right on- she was probably sooo thrilled that DD asked for her, it didn't even occur to her that it may have hurt you. she is also likely very aware that when you move out, her chances to see DD will be smaller. 3- agreed, asking MIL to avoid her living room would be inappropriate. However, i think that if you are ready for that moment in time, and have somethings prepped- like "I really appreciate all of your help, MIL, however, I was really hoping we would have these 10 minutes to spend together before I run off to work for the whole day. would that be ok" then you may get what you want, communicate what you need to, and get the time with DD. i can't help but remember a few weeks ago when you were mortified that the monitor may have been on.... I am sure that living there is very stressful and it sounds like there is a lot bothering you about it. i hope you guys are able to come up with another plan that will work soon. 
    Posted by winter09wedding[/QUOTE]

    (nodding) -- YES.  Things with my MIL are fine, but her communication style and mine are so wildly different, that even though "talking things out" SEEMS like the right answer, it's so not for our family.  As lovely as it sounds, sometimes the big conversation just backfires.  Horribly. 

    Poppy, I think you have every right to vent and your situation is just really challenging right now.  If I were PG and living with my MIL, we'd have already made the papers, so I think you're doing great. 

    When I have "What the ****???" moments with MIL (or anyone) and I miss that window where I should have said something, but I didn't, I generally ask myself:
    1) is this likely to happen again?
    2) how much do I care?
    3) is it malicious? 
    4) did I set myself up for this? 

    How I proceed from there kind of depends on what those answers are.  I am guilty of a lot of #4.   
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    Thanks GC.  You have all helped me calm down and get through the day without flipping anyone the bird at work. 

    I like your series of 4 questions.  I did sort of go through something similar in my head, which led me to the basement scenario.  Your #4 is what I was thinking when I realized that of course if MIL is sitting 2 inches away DD will want to go to her, so how can I remedy that without saying, "WOULD YOU PLEASE GO AWAY!", which is what I want to say but isn't very nice.

    The bottom line is I'm hurt that DD chose MIL over me, and it makes me even more mad at MIL (even though it's not specifically her fault).  That's the part that doesn't get better no matter what I do next.  It's the part I need to deal with because I know DD will not always choose to be with me throughout her life.  For me, that is the hardest part of this.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from misslily. Show misslily's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    Poppy - as hard as it is, it's a good thing your DD is comfortable being with others. You'll need that in a very short time when you have #2.
    Sometimes, as hard as it is, I try and bask in the joy of seeing my children cuddling with my parents or in-laws. I'm glad they have so many people who love them.
    It must s-u-c-k to be living at the in-laws. I don't think I could even live with my own parents, much less my DH's.  When we moved into our current house, we spent 3 days at my parents house and I thought DH was going to go crazy!
    It's funny how everyone is different. If my SIL took her child down to the basement every morning for alone time, my mother would freak out that she hated her and was being a total diva. It would be much worse than simply saying, "Oh do you mind if I give her the bottle in the morning? I miss her so much all day."
    Again -hang in there. And don't forget to have your DH run interference if necessary!
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from GC1016. Show GC1016's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    Poppy, DD chooses Elmo over me.  Consistently.  She would push me under a bus to get to her furry red lover. 

    And I think they go through phases of showing "preference" for one caregiver over another -- it's part of their development and becoming aware of themselves as separate from Mommy/Daddy.  I think.  Someone who reads books will know this better than I. 

    Where's Daisy?!?!?!? 



     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from GC1016. Show GC1016's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    In Response to Re: January - Infant and Toddlers:
    [QUOTE]It's funny how everyone is different. If my SIL took her child down to the basement every morning for alone time, my mother would freak out that she hated her and was being a total diva. It would be much worse than simply saying, "Oh do you mind if I give her the bottle in the morning? I miss her so much all day." Again -hang in there. And don't forget to have your DH run interference if necessary!
    Posted by misslily[/QUOTE]
    I'd be scr*wed either way. 
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    Misslily - that's a good point.  I should probably just s-u-c-k it up and say something simple to her about wanting to give the bottle.  I still may go downstairs, but then she won't be making things up in her head about why I do that.

    GC - What is the magic appeal of Elmo!?!?!  DD practically does backflips whenever we're out and about and an Elmo image appears (as it inevitably does, no matter where we are).  Maybe we should invest in Elmo suits.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from lissafro. Show lissafro's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    It's the eyes.  Babies are attracted to large eyes (as are most humans). 
    Poppy, good luck.  It's a less than ideal situation all around.  As anyone who has been fortunate to have access to it will tell you, free childcare is never truly free. sigh.

    Everyone already chimed in with really great strategies and ideas.  I don't have anything new besides "I hear ya, sister" and good luck and feel free to vent any time (with or without the monitor on! tehe!) to us, especially if it helps you feel better.  I know writing everything down always helps me get it out. 
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from IPWBride. Show IPWBride's posts

    Re: January - Infant and Toddlers

    Poppy... totally know what you were feeling. We've agreed on a lot of MIL issues this past 15 months.  Lilly makes a really great point in that you will cherish the help in August so you can cuddle with your new one as well.  Its hard now, and I absolutely hated the times DS would go to MIL and not me, but I have lots of friends who remind me that we all know very well who our moms are regardless of the others that we also love.

    I just learned on Monday night that my MIL has brought back the afternoon bottle for DS!!!  Excuse me?  I asked her why and she simply said "He likes it better."  Come on lady!!  So I kindly, but with some force in my voice told her to stop asap.  This would have made me jump out a window before we started daycare, but she's got him only 2 days a week now so at least I was able to keep that in my mind.  

    Just a small update... on to month 7 for TTC #2.  Just didn't even cross my mind that this would take even longer than #1.  Beyonf Frustrated, but doctor is ready to get moving and doing the FSH/TSH blood tests tomorrow and progesterone tests on day 21.  I've got two more months for a 2012 baby, which really only matters in that I'm such a planner that I've already put aside my hospital co-pay in my flex. plan :-)
     
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