July Infants and Toddlers

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from summerbride09. Show summerbride09's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    In Response to Re: July Infants and Toddlers:
    [QUOTE] One thing that worked for lots of my friends was to divide and conquer. So you do a feeding at 6 or 7 and then GO TO BED. He's on call until midnight. You're on call after that. That way you might get to sleep from 7 to 2am or so. He gets to sleep from midnight to morning. Everyone gets some decent rest that way.
    Posted by misslily[/QUOTE]

    I second this, 1000%. DH and I have had a system similar to this since about day 5, and it's the only thing keeping us both from being totally sleep deprived zombies...we each get 5-6 hrs of sleep per night.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    Not to speak for Liz, but how do you do the divide and conquer method if you feel like a bad mother for not doing everything yourself? Can you force yourself to ignore those feelings of guilt in favor of acting on the logic of divide and conquer?
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from memes98. Show memes98's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    Boston - my DD did not do well with the purees at first either.  I remember even at 6-7 months that she would be turning her head, and even crying sometimes when I was offering.  She eventually came around and would eat them occasionally.  But, she did much better when she was finally able to have finger foods (cheerios, puffs, etc.).  I did not find that she was ready for finger foods early though, just that she wasn't a huge fan of purees.  It still took her awhile to get the hang of the pincer grasp, but once she did she was a much better eater.  She was never one of those babies who would down two jars of food.  I always offered though and dealt with the food waste.  Some days were better than others.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from summerbride09. Show summerbride09's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    In Response to Re: July Infants and Toddlers:
    [QUOTE]Not to speak for Liz, but how do you do the divide and conquer method if you feel like a bad mother for not doing everything yourself? Can you force yourself to ignore those feelings of guilt in favor of acting on the logic of divide and conquer?
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    My response to this is below. However, it's long winded so here's my thought in a nutshell: It's like the oxygen mask on an airplane, where you are instructed to put your own on first before helping others. If you take care of yourself you'll be better able to care for others.

    I felt inadequate at first when we started our system. I felt bad for leaving DH downstairs to care for DD while I went and got a head start on sleep. He nearly forced me to sleep though, because he knew how important it is for a new mother to take care of herself as well as her LO. I felt guilty and just wanted to go be with DD no matter how tired I was. However, after a few nights home with her I was so exhausted anyways that I could barely keep my eyes open!

    I also felt bad the first few times I went out alone without DH or DD. I felt almost neglectful, though I knew she was home with her daddy and well cared for. Getting out of the house is critical- for the sunlight, fresh air, change of scenery. As someone who also struggles with anxiety, a person has to do  whatever necessary (within reason) to maintain a solid state of mind. For me, that means showering every day and getting out of the house most days a week- either playgroup, mom support group, a walk with DD, walking the dog once DH gets home, or going out by myself and doing an errand once he gets home.

    Having a child is a time to realize that one person cannot do it all...and trust me if there's someone who needed that lesson it was me. I'm the type who wants everything done here and now and perfectly. I've had to change my priorities and frankly, I feel relieved. I can now worry about caring for DD instead of incessantly sweeping or whatever.


     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from lizinboston. Show lizinboston's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    In Response to Re: July Infants and Toddlers:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: July Infants and Toddlers : My response to this is below. However, it's long winded so here's my thought in a nutshell: It's like the oxygen mask on an airplane, where you are instructed to put your own on first before helping others. If you take care of yourself you'll be better able to care for others. I felt inadequate at first when we started our system. I felt bad for leaving DH downstairs to care for DD while I went and got a head start on sleep. He nearly forced me to sleep though, because he knew how important it is for a new mother to take care of herself as well as her LO. I felt guilty and just wanted to go be with DD no matter how tired I was. However, after a few nights home with her I was so exhausted anyways that I could barely keep my eyes open! I also felt bad the first few times I went out alone without DH or DD. I felt almost neglectful, though I knew she was home with her daddy and well cared for. Getting out of the house is critical- for the sunlight, fresh air, change of scenery. As someone who also struggles with anxiety, a person has to do  whatever necessary (within reason) to maintain a solid state of mind. For me, that means showering every day and getting out of the house most days a week- either playgroup, mom support group, a walk with DD, walking the dog once DH gets home, or going out by myself and doing an errand once he gets home. Having a child is a time to realize that one person cannot do it all...and trust me if there's someone who needed that lesson it was me. I'm the type who wants everything done here and now and perfectly. I've had to change my priorities and frankly, I feel relieved. I can now worry about caring for DD instead of incessantly sweeping or whatever.
    Posted by summerbride09[/QUOTE]
    I don't think I could have said this better myself. Everything in this post is exactly what I have been thinking/doing.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    Thanks, Summer. Love your story and can imagine it would be so inspiring for anyone struggling with these issues, and it seems like it's far more common to feel this way than not. Liz, pay special attention to her last paragraph. :) You can and will find your peace with all this. Trust yourself and your husband. You have every reason for hope that life will become a new normal before you know it.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from luckinlife. Show luckinlife's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    Liz - so DD # 2 is 2 months old and I went to the driving range and did a par 3 and left my husband alone with the both of them.  As a matter of fact, I have found myself much more giving about HIM having his own time i.e. golfing when I ACTUALLY take him up on all his offers for me to go out.  I did Zumba twice this week and now I am back to going to the gym again every Sat morning.  I wish I had done even more of this with DD # 1.  I have found the following:
    1) he has more confidence when I do leave and is more capable than I give him credit for. 
    2) He likes helping out. - he really does.
    3) I feel much less resentful when he wants to do something on his own.
    4) he needs time to bond with the baby too!
    5) I am not that indispensible that my kiddos can't live without me for a couple of hours.

    This may all sound ridiculous but me being a recovering type A and guilt-ridden mother I REALLY had to learn all of this. I also had to really learn that I can't be everything to them at all times even though I want to be.

    Now, you may not be at the point when you are ready to do things for you on your own but I am writing to encourage you do so when you are ready.

    We are even putting DD #2 in daycare for one day for the next two weeks prior to me restarting work so that we can have a day of golf together (don't remember the last time we did this).  This will be good for us to regroup without the kids.

    My maternal instinct truly is to want to be with them all the time but I certainly feel refreshed when I have been by myself for awhile.

    Interstingly about the dividing of the night - this actually made me anxious . I hated knowing that I was going to have to be up from 2 am on and that I had to go to bed at 6 or 7.  I know this works for some and we did this with DD #1 but I have preferred just going to bed at a more normal time and getting up when needed.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from misslily. Show misslily's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    Kar - all i can say is that i'm sure there are lots of moms who think they have to do everything. After all, they did everything for the LO for nine months while it grew inutero. But that child belongs just as much to the husband/father as to the mother now that it's out. Taking sole ownership and responsibility 24/7 does no one any good. Fathers need to bond with baby too. Baby needs to be cared for by others once in a while.
    I will say that my DH often looks at photos of when our twins (our twins...not my twins) were tiny and says "I missed it.". So far I've bitten my tongue and not said back "Yup, you did."
    I'm not a therapist, so I don't know how Liz gets to the point where she's comfortable letting her DH or someone else take care of baby while she rests or showers or whatever. But I hope she gets there.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    Thanks, miss lily, I'm sure it's very common, too, and I'm sorry your dh is living with regret and you are dealing with the forgiveness/resentment emotional tug of war over his "missing it." I know your sharing your story will impact Liz in a good way; I think it would encourage any mom to appreciate dh's full participation in their child's life from the beginning if he's fully present from the beginning. I'm glad your dh is on board and the father your family needs, now, and I hope that over time you and he heal emotionally and come to experience peace about how he responded to fatherhood at that critical early time.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from Trouble30. Show Trouble30's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    One thing that I'm thinking is that the divide and conquer method really only works for FF babies.  For BFing babies, the mom really has to do the brunt of the work.  You can pump and take a night or two off a week, but really no more than that or your supply may be affected. I just want to throw that out there so new BFing moms don't feel bad about doing most of the work.  It's just the way it is.  
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    Indeed, dh's participation has to make sense so how the fact that they are both 100% parents the moment the baby is born manifests will be different for every family, but it should be an underlying principle that governs the family nonetheless for maximum emotional health.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from ml2620-2. Show ml2620-2's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    Divide and conquer was my salvation and we were a BFing family. I'd feed at 7 and pump around 9-9:30 and go to bed. DH (a night owl anyway) would take responsibility for DD's 10-11 PM feeding until 2, bring her to me in bed for a feeding and everything from 2AM on was my responsibility. Sometimes, I could do the 2AM feeding half asleep (we coslept with a snuggle nest) and sleep until 5-6 in the morning. Once I started getting that solid block of at least 4-5 hours of sleep, my brain started functioning again.

    I will also say, and I think this is important, when I did not get enough sleep, my milk supply dropped - and when I did get enough sleep, my supply increased. Mom's need their sleep.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    I think DD is going through some transitions.  It's not stressing me out too much, but I had to vent for a quick second.  Since last weekend she acts like she wants her nap around 9:30, but then doesn't go to sleep.  She must be switching to the afternoon nap.  Another thing is she won't eat most of her bfast anymore.  On weekdays, it's not a big deal because daycare will feed her more if I ask, but today we're home and she barely touched her bfast.  I thought it was dinner that toddlers didn't eat!
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from medfordcc. Show medfordcc's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    Kar's question was really insightful, and so are the answers you all posted!
    I don't have much to add, except that I felt the EXACT same way.  It was hard to accept the dividing and conquering, and it was really only through (a) encouragement from DH, (b) logically knowing I would be a better parent if I rested, and (c) being really really tired, that I was able to accept it.
    Regarding dividing time and BFing, I learned to BF side lying in the bed.  If she needed to eat during my DH's time, he would go get her, I would feed her half asleep, and then he would take her back and do any soothing/changing/whatever.  So it wasn't fully off-duty, but I was able to remain mentally off duty.

    Fram - my DD never wants breakfast early any more, I have no idea why.  I have kind of given up and give her a breakfast/snack around 9:30.  That's when they have their AM snack at daycare, so I figure maybe she's fine with just that.  It feels weird to send her to daycare with nothing in her belly but water, but that's all she wants!  They report that she eats all her snack when it's time.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from lizinboston. Show lizinboston's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    It's not that I don't want my DH to bond with her, in fact I LOVE it when he does. It is just that feeling I had that I had to do everything, and yes, I think a lot of new mothers feel this.

    Our a/c is broken on the second floor of our house, so DH offered to sleep downstairs with DD and I went to bed at 11 and slept till 6, went downstairs and DH was cuddling with DD on the couch and asked me if he could have another hour with her, and I said "of course!" and went back upstairs to sleep some more. I am getting used to it and I see how important it is for DH to bond with her.

     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from misslily. Show misslily's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    Yeah Liz! A good night's sleep! Great job!

    And Kar - I've long ago made peace with how the first few months went. It was hard on all of us. But we weathered the storm and we're one big happy family. Probably the fact that our kids are talking and understanding others (both with and without hearing aids) takes some of the sting away. 
    I don't resent DH for how he dealt with it. I kinda feel sorry for him. We won't have any more children, and he did miss it in a way. But life is long and there are many wonderful moments we've had, and will have in the future.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from Liv22. Show Liv22's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    Liz, that is great! I hope you feel refreshed today after getting some sleep!

    I will mention that I was nervous early on that DD wouldn't be super attached to me because I couldn't BF, she goes to daycare and DH spends a lot of alone time with her. But at the end of the day, they always want their Mama!
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from misslily. Show misslily's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    And yes - I suggested divide and conquer to Liz because she mentioned she was bottle feeding.
    I remember the first time I was pregnant telling the OB I wanted to nurse and he said, "Great. Just don't forget, it is all on you - especially at the beginning." So yes - for nursing moms, divide and conquer doesn't work. But you can still put Daddy on duty to get the baby, change diapers and bring to you to nurse in bed. Then he burps and resettles while you go back to sleep! :)
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    DH changed MANY more diapers than I did in those early days :o)

    For those of you with LOs around the same age (17 months), what are they doing for naps these days?
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from June08bride. Show June08bride's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    Fra, just an afternoon nap...sometime between 12-1 I put them down....they sleep solid for about 2 hours. 
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from Liv22. Show Liv22's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    We are the same as June. Daycare forced us into the schedule, but she adjusted her weekends to be just 1 nap after a few weeks. If we go on an errand or a walk in the morning, she'll usually take a cat nap but will still go down for a nap maybe just a little bit later than 1.

     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from lizinboston. Show lizinboston's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    In Response to Re: July Infants and Toddlers:
    [QUOTE]DH changed MANY more diapers than I did in those early days :o) For those of you with LOs around the same age (17 months), what are they doing for naps these days?
    Posted by framerican51008[/QUOTE]

    Fram, DH has changed way many more diapers than me! He is better than me, and it's like every time I change one, she p00ps and pee's in the midst of it....
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    Liz, I hope you weren't feeling attacked or judged.  I noticed how guilty you said you felt for not being able to do everything yourself and thought if I pointed out how important it is for not only you to rest when you can but it would do double duty in that he would have the chance to bond he needs while you get the rest you need it would bring you to a happier, more peace filled place so you could get the most recharging out of your alone time.  I never thought you didn't want him to bond, and if that message mistakenly got out there I'm very sorry for that...that was so NOT my intention!!

    Sounds like you are rounding a big emotional corner, Liz.  YAY!  And, thanks to everyone for adding to the "divide and conquer" advice so thoughtfully, honestly, and openly.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from Effrontery. Show Effrontery's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    Liz, I just wanted to share one experience about post partum depression and anxiety.  I was diagnosed with PPD, on top of my generalized anxiety that had been under good control (vitamins, exercise, breathing - no meds) before pregnancy.  After a bad experience with prozac, I switched doctors and went in the door saying, "I can tell it's hormones, so give me something for hormones."  I ended up on a mostly-progesterone birth control pill that I take all month long (no placebo pills = no period).  Worked amazing for me and totally changed my life.  I still have the ativan for anxiety, but I only need it a few times a month now.  Don't know how that would work if you were going to BF for an extended time, though.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: July Infants and Toddlers

    Miss lily, missed your post yesterday afternoon, sorry. I'm so glad to hear how things are, now. It must have been hard to work through at the time, and so many times people let that stuff fester and divide them. Sweet that you guys came through and are thriving and happy. Good communication sometimes seems like a lost art, and it's encouraging to hear good stories of listening, respecting, and loving.
     

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