Indeed, I do know that.  She saidswat she said, though, and I responded with an encouragement to ignore the voices out there, you can'tplease them anyway.  Her takinga offense might simply be that she does t care for the fact that other people's opinions do matter do much to her.

IPW, you said what you said.  We all know that "I shouldn't..." ends with, "...but I do."  however, I don't think you're any more shallow than I am or anyone else is for caring too much what other people think.  It's the human condition.  But, my point was you can ignore it because you can't win with "people" and what they think.

My high school BFF was rankled by this her whole life having had one child and having had many people make disparaging comments.  I told her the same thing I told you.  Her living for others legally ruined her life.  She had as bad a disassociative whatever you call a nervous breakdown anyone could have, catatonic for a month in the hospital.  We're still close, now, 15 years later.  And, we respect each other as only bff's can do.

If my response was offensive, I apologize.

Not legally, literally.  Argh.

IPW, good luck with what ever you decide. I too used to get comments as to how I could only have one child. Finally I said, if you must know things aren't working out in my marriage and I don't want to have another child just for the sake of having one. 

I think if any shopkeeper, waitress or other stranger asked me if I was having more children I would turn to them and say, "That is really none of your business." Actually I'd even use that slang that I hate, "That is SO not your business." to get the point across.

I feel for all of you going through this. If the only two decent eggs I had hadn't turned into my blessed twins I'd only have one, or no children. I delivered them at 45 - way over the hill in Mommy years. They were truly our last ditch effort.

TC... don't worry so much about what time you eat as a family (yet).  DD and I get home around 4:00, so I give her a snack in the high chair and nurse her earlier, then we have a family meal closer to 9:00.  I take her to the gym with me around 6:30 and DH is not usually home until 8:00... ao that is just how things work out right now.  Once she drops her evening cat nap (20-30 mins around 5:30) and needs to go to bed earlier, we'll have to reconsider our evening schedule... but until then she usually goes to sleep around 9:30 and that works wonderfully for us right now.

I want to add what my mom told me, that I recently learned about why I'm an only...and mind you I'm 26 and just learned this in the past couple years.....she said, and I quote, that they "never got around to it". HA! They had talked about it here and there but never decided to have another child and the next thing they knew I was 10y.o. and they didn't want that big of a gap. So I guess if you want to give a snarky answer (general you, not YOU you), you can say "When/If we get around to it..."

Ml - I would love to hear you say that to someone.  While I think that the vast majority of people who ask those questions are well-meaning and kind-hearted albeit clueless, I think a little education is great. :)  My father passed away from a self-inflicted gun shot wound.  So when I was younger and people used to ask me I lied for the longest time .Now I just tell them because I think that very few people talk about this sort of thing and it is important to educate people.

Fram and others - If I waited until I had baby fever, well, not sure I would have had DD #1. :)

We decided because of our age (38 at the time) we were just going to do it and not think about it because we knew that we wanted two eventually.  I definitely don't think there is ANYTHING wrong about having one - but this was just something we decided we wanted.

IPW - I am just guessing here but I think that part of the angst is that you have this option out there and maybe feel conflicted about doing IVF.  I worry that if you don't pursue the round, you might regret it (not because you would have only one but because you might be thinking what if?).  Whereas if you do pursue the one cycle of IVF and it doesn't work, I think that you might find yourself completley at peace with one.  Sorry, if I am reaching here but I always felt that if someone would have just assigned me to adopt from the beginning and I had no other choice I would be fine with it.  Same with the donor. However, having all the different options in front of us can make it so hard! 

Tc -Thanks and  good luck with Dr. Bayer. Do you have frozen embryos?

Lil- yes, we have just 2 frozen embryos left so it's something of a longshot but who knows. If this doesn't work, we'll likely be starting over with a new donor (our donor exceeded the max number of rounds and can't/won't do it again).

I sympathize with those trying to decide whether to have another child and agree it's a completely personal decision. A lot seems to be what you know- DH and I both come from big families and, if we were younger, we'd have loved to have 4 or 5 kids, which sounds crazy to some people. Others feel like 1 or 2 kids is perfect for them. My only suggestion is to reflect on what you and DH want, picture yourself a few years down the line and see how you imagine your life.Try not to let what others think or expect to enter into that. Best of luck-

Hi all,

SO much catching up to do! I don't have time to read through it all, but will comment on some things.

IPW, I totally understand what you're saying in that it is a stereotype that only children are spoiled or awkward socially. That is something I had to do A LOT of soul searching before having a baby. DH really only wants one, and I would like two, but am OK with one if that is how it ends up. We actually had a conversation about it today. We decided that in 2,3,4 years we will re-visit where we are in our lives and then have a conversation about it. Right now, we both agreed to enjoy DD to our fullest. I believe every family is different (obviously) and every family needs to do what they feel is best for them. I am already dreading the "when are you having another?" questons, because I have heard many, many times "Oh, you can't just have one!" I can't?? Oh...ok...I wasn't aware of that! Oh and BTW, about the whole stereotype, I know many only children (some of them being you guys) and you all seem pretty normal to me!!

DD has been great this past week! She is really becoming her own little person. VERY smiley and makes the cutest happy noises. She still has her meltdowns, but I am pretty intune with her now and can figure out what is wrong. 9 times out of 10 she is just overtired.

Yesterday we went to a 1st birthday party and she was fabulous for about 45 minutes. Awake, happy, smiling, looking around, totally intrigued by all the people and then she LOST it. Screaming until she turned red, and nothing calmed her down. I frantically rocked her in the little boys bedroom but nothing was helping. I decided to leave and  once we got in the car she passed out. So, alas, she was overtired and I think over-stimulated. But, we also had dinner at friends last night and she was great. Our friends actually commented that she was a really "chill" baby, which was nice to hear!

Nothing really else to report. She is eating almost 6 ounces now and has a weigh-in on Friday. I am hoping she is up to 10, but I am not worrying so much about her weight anymore. Pedi said as long as she is gaining then everything is fine.

My friend from college gave me two bins of clothes, and on top of all the clothes we have either bought her or were gifts, this kid has more than I do. I spent a good two hours organizing her closet and putting outfits together to make it easier to dress (especially for my DH :-) )

I hope evewryone had a great wee/weekend!

Liz- isn't that the way it always works...a LO will be a perfect angel around other people but might save their biggest meltdowns and worst moments for their parents...I guess that's what we're here for.

I have a question if anyone wants to offer their perspective...how often do your LOs see their grandparents? Backstory: Just had a rough conversation with my mom because she hasn't seen DD every single weekend since she was born. She apparently was so hurt that they didn't see DD this weekend. DH and I had plans with friends and then just with DD and didn't want to cram too much into the day.I am very upset and feel so guilty and awful, and DH was mad when I got off the phone because I was so upset. Both of our sets of parents live within 20 minutes, and DH's parents have seen her far less but have not said anything about it.

I am at a loss and don't know how to handle this...things will be so tense now when we're around my parents, and I don't want DD to experience that, but I do want her to see ALL of her grandparents whenever we can...ugh. I don't need this added stress the last week of my maternity leave, I was already on the edge and this just sent me over.

Her expectation to monopolize all of your weekends until your child is, what, 18?, is totally unreasonable.  Yay tht she wants to be involved, but boo for the guilt trip over an obsessive expectation.  She'll have to deal with your nuclear family having plans that don't always include her, and she will if you and dh are consistent with her, inviting herr when you want to and not when you need your own family time or have other plans.

Summer, we also had the problem of grandparent's monopolizing the weekends and demanding time with DD, which is annoying AND exhausting and upsetting. I am not sure of the details of your day care plan when you go back to work or logistics of where your folks live vs. where you live/work, but this is what works very well for our family.

My mom and dad have DD Mondays, both DD and I spend the night at my parents house on Monday night - we visit, have dinner, time family time together and then bed and then DD stays with my parents again on Tuesday while I am at work. It gives us time together as a family (sans my husband, who my mom is not crazy about-she's very judgemental) and leaves our weekends free for family time. My MIL comes over our house on Thursdays or Fridays and helps DH with our daughter and she gets to spend time with HER two favorite people :) - so the weekend comes and we are free to do our own thing or we might see them at a family party, but the pressure is off.

Consider it, once in a while spending a weeknight with DD at your folks place. I have to say it's very nice to have dinner waiting for me, dishes cleaned while I "relax," and my work clothes for the next day ironed. When DD was younger, more flexible at bedtime and needed frequent feedings, as your DD does now, they would cover the feedings between my mom and dad and I got a 4-6 hour stretch of sleeping. It was awesome to feel so cared for when I felt I was giving so much to a newborn.  

anyone who gives you the third degree about having more kids is way out of line.  We have good friends with a 5 yo who have done *seven* IVF cycles and suffered 3 mc's trying for a second, and it's unbelievably painful to see their faces when we're together someplace and people ask why they haven't had a second.

ML - that sounds like an amazing plan!!

Summer - it is very hard to figure out.  I think the best thing you can do going forward is to set realistic expectations.  Even if people don't love the set up, they'll know what to expect.  For us personally, my mom does watch DD two days per week and my dad comes to visit on one of the days, so they're pretty happy.  My in laws are tougher and I do sometimes end up feeling guilty, but as your LO gets older, see if you can leverage grandparent time into time alone with your spouse/partner.  DH and I go out to lunch or brunch quite often while MIL watches DD.  Then she gets time with her, but we get time, too.  :)  I know it's kind of a PITA when they are still so little and especially if you have to pump or whatever.  You could also ask them to spend time with the LO while you insert earplugs and take a nap in the other room!

TC - I can't seem to get back to your original post about dinner, so forgive me if I forget your exact question.  When DD was making the transition to table food/family dinner, I was worried we'd never be able to manage family dinner.  We do all kinds of different things now, but it works!  Sometimes she has grilled cheese & veggies (or whatever), we have a nice meal after she goes to bed, and then she has the leftovers the next day.  Sometimes DH makes dinner before he picks her up so we can all eat together.  Sometimes he feeds her before I get home, sometimes he holds her off so we can all eat.  It's funny, now that she stays up until ~7:30 it feels like we have sooo much time in the evenings.  I still don't get home until ~6:00, but we can even go to the park if we want, or at least play and read books.

Summer - I am so sorry you're dealing with a guilt trip!  You can't win no matter what you do!  I think it's unreasonable of your mother to expect to see DD every weekend.  You would never get to see anyone else or do anything with just DH & DD.  Personally, I couldn't manage something like what ML does due to where we all live/work, but I think she makes a good point that there are all kinds of arrangements that work for people.  Could your mother come over one night every week?  Maybe be there when you get home and play with DD while you cook (or whatever)? 

For us, how often the grandparents see DD varies.  Sometimes they see her 3 weekends in a row, sometimes only once in a month.  My parents would never complain (mostly that's good, but sometimes I wonder if they care... about anything!).  MIL will occasionally complain that she doesn't see DD enough or we live too far away (ahem 20 miles), but I don't let it bother me.  She is welcome to come over any time, but she never does.

Random shout out to Poppy! We know you have a ton going on with Z&G, but just wanted to say I've been thinking of you and hope all is well in the land of 2!

Sorry Summer, you're right, you have enough on your plate with going back to work that you don't need this added stress.  Do you think your parents would relax a little if they knew they had a scheduled time to see your DD? Over the summer, while I was on leave, my parents were constantly trying to find ways to see DS.  Now that my mom watches him 1 day a week they've seemed to relax a little about it.  They did end up stopping by to see him this weekend but we didn't have anything planned so it worked out.  Good luck with this, dealing with family issues can be so tough!

Kiwi - I loved that blog post.  Our DS is almost 4 months old and it's unbelievable how many times we've been asked when we are going to have more.  I would love to print that post out and hand it out to people :)  If money were no object I would ideally like 4-5 kids (DH isn't quite on board with that) but realistically we are hoping for 2-3.  My DH is an only and he actually says for that reason he wants our DS to have a sibling.  I don't know how to say this correctly without offending anyone so please take this for what it is... but the only part of my DH's personality that I would say is stereotypical of an only is he doesn't handle getting picked on well, even now as an adult he can get very defensive and touchy over some simple ribbing from my brothers. Although, he's learning quick after marrying into my big family!

Summer-I think your mother's reaction go back to the day when weekends were more for extended family. I know growing up every Sunday we'd drive to see my maternal grandparents, then leave to go visit my paternal ones (thankfully they lived abotu 4 miles apart). But that soo is now how life is now (at least for us). Did you visit your grandparents every weekend? But I do not think it is reasonable to have that expectation. And I think you need to be honest with your mother about her expectations not being realistic.

For the discussion about strangers, family, friends comments about having additional children. I've got two, a son and daughter. you'd be surprised how many comments I get on a weekly basis about a) having more kids and/or b) "Oh, you've got your boy and your girl!" like I just wouldn't have been happy with two kids of the same gender.  I don't mind close friends asking if we are going to have more, but it's the strangers that seem totally out of place.

AFM: DD just turned 1!!! We had a big  party for her with all my extended family. Then took off the next day for a week in Orlando. The kids did awesome on the plane and had fun at disney and the pool. Good to get away. DD definitely wanted to walk everywhere! Mind you she still holds onto one hand, has only taken 5 steps on her own, but insists on walking-and looking at everything on the ground. Makes walking 20 feet take forever. But it's so much fun to watch her explore.

Thanks for the advice on my situation everyone.

ml's suggestion would not work for me, as my mom wouldn't even be home from work by the time it's DD's bedtime, and I'm not keen on us spending time away from DH nevermind on a worknight as that would just make my commute longer and DH will be doing daycare drop offs due to timing, so that's out.

We try to see each set of grandparents once a week at least, but it's hard with things they're doing  and things we want to do as a family of 3, plus DH really wants weekend time to relax. DD is almost 14 weeks and my mom has seen her at least once a week for all those weeks except maybe 3 weeks. DH's parents have not seen her as frequently. My parents watching DD during the week- also not an option as they both work full time.

I guess it's just something we'll need to work out...I need to be firm about our needs and wants as a family of 3 as we're still adjusting to life as such...

Summer, do your parents want to spend time w/ their grandchild or do they want to spend time w/ you, your DH and their grandchild? If its' the former, and you live 20 minutes away like you said, is it possible to either have them come over on a weekend day or drop the child off there for an hour or longer [if they are willing] while you run errands or get some chores done?  You'll get them done faster if someone is watching your baby and the grandparents get to interact w/ teh child one on one.  I'd just point blank call them and tell them that time is limited [as they must know] and you need to get certain things done as well as socialize. If they can't work with you, then just work your schedule as best you see fit and ignore what they say - you won't be able to please them anyway.  If htey are up for this, go w/ medford's suggestion as the child  get older - use them to watch the child while you go out to lunch w/ DH.   

I lived 10 minutes away from my dad's parents growing up and saw them several times per week. Sometimes, my grandparents would drop by for 20-30 minutes on their way home from something.  They always knew never to overstay their welcome [looking back I realize this. I was just happy to see Grammy and Grampy when I was a kid].  As long as your parents are reasonable in their expectations and lenght of visit if they dont' want to participate in active childcare, you should be able to wrok something out. GL.   

Summer- I saw this change over time, and I hope that the expectations become a bit more realistic. I can say that- especially in the beginning- when babies change so fast (first year or so), my MIL really, really wanted to see them all the time. As they got older, and more tiring to chase after, it was ok to not see them every weekend. :) 

RE the babymaking: I am having a hard time with the want vs. practical decision making... I am not sure if others are struggling with this as well. both DH and I would have loved a huge family- 4 or 5 kids. but, we have graduate degrees and waited until my eggs were old and crusty... we just had our second at 36/38, so we hypothetically have time to try to squeeze one more in (my mental cutoff is 40).  However, living in the Boston area, the finances really scare me, and we aren't going to be able to give very much financially to 4 children (I feel I have to plan for worst case- like a sick child or twins- before I get pregnant).  We considered stopping at DS because maybe then we could cover the projected astronomical costs of college.  I also worry, that because both DH and I work two jobs to live in this crazy expensive place, that we won't have enough time to go around with more kids.  short story: I think that any decision that is right for you, is what you should go for. and you can use us to create a snarky response to help you out if needed.

We're all human and want to be accepted and liked by everyone.  It's easy and human nature to fall into the "please everyone" trap.  If anyone suggests they are considering making huge, life altering decisions based even in small part on what others might think, I'm not going to judge her poorly because I'm not above doing the same thing, but I am going to warn her to listen very intently to herself before going forward.

Summer, these are all good suggestions RE: grandparent time. I would just reiterate that you're not going to please everyone. It's great to have so many people who love you and your baby and want to spend time, but your "just the 3 of us" time is precious, so don't feel bad about putting those needs first. FWIW, my parents live 20 minutes away and my dad watches DS one day/week. They usually come one more time on the weekends so my mom can see him, too (she and my dad are a bit competitive with each other about who gets to hold, feed, even change DS...I actually had to half-jokingly tell them to share and play nice one night when they were over :-)). My in-laws, on the other hand, live almost an hour away. MIL now watches DS another day during the week, but DS's dad and grandmother (who lives with them) only see him once a month or so. We periodically feel guilty about it, but they always want us to come up there and it's just not always possible.

DS seems to have gotten past his major fussiness. We had a great weekend and yesterday after daycare he was in an awesome mood. The only change? We're feeding him more. We have a set bottle regimen, but we realized he seemed to want more solids, and once we started giving them to him, his overall demeanor seemed to improve. I feel bad if the little guy was hungry before, but I cannot believe how much he eats! He'll take down 6 cubes (so about 6 oz) of my homemade food or two jars of the stage 2 jarred stuff 3x per day. My dc provider said she has other kids who eat that much, but, wow. Anyone else have a kid who could pack it away so much at 7 mos?

So glad to see the comments about having a second...  I must be the ONLY person who hasn't been asked if/when we're having more.   (But, I get bonus points for being asked if I was BFing by DH's relative who *knew* I had a double mastectomy!  How does that work???)   However, those closest to us know that DS was a gift, and I'm not medically permitted to be pregnant for another 4 years.  DS would be nearly 5, and I would be pushing 43.  Both the age gap and AMA (Advanced Maternal Age-don't you hate it??) aren't agreeable to me.

I'm 1 of 4 (DH 1 of 3).  We really want DS to have a sibling, not because of peer-pressure, but more along the lines of what Summer posted.  Someone to share experiences with, and to have his back.  I can't imagine going through the last few years without my sibs.  (Death of a parent, my own cancer experience, illness of the other parent, etc.).  I don't always like them very much, but I know they're all there for me. 

We're starting to have the discussion of adoption vs. surrogacy.  To be honest, the judgement (and having to explain to strangers) and, to a lesser extent, the legal issues around surrogacy are really what's holding us back.  I have a co-worker who has been on an adoption list for over a year, and I know it's been hard for her.  I don't think I could handle that waiting. 

CLC - totally not offended by your comment about your DH, as an only myself.  There are certainly much worse stereotypes :-)  But I will say I do think that particular trait has a lot more to do with someone's inner personality.  My SIL, the youngest of 3, absolutley cannot be told she is wrong or perhaps there is another way to do things (i.e. which she would see as being picked on).  Or if you are being sarcastic, just doesn't work with her.  Just an observation of a non-only with the same trait you describe.  I personally don't like being told what to do.  Perhaps its because I'm an only... but boy did my parents tell me every which way how and when and what to do growing up.  They were SO strict.  So maybe its that bit of rebelliion now that I'm an adult that makes me really resist being told what to do, or perhaps its because I'm an only.  Only the wizard knows.  

And again, the merits of siblings could be debated for hours and days, but siblings don't always have each other's backs just because they are siblings.  My Dad, the oldest of 10, had a stroke two years ago.  When he was in the hospital for two weeks and then rehab center for a month... ONE sibling visited.  One.  It was pathetic.  And made it worse for him knowing he had siblings who didn't even bother.  I personally think its because they were raised as wolves and are just horrible people, but I can't imagine what that must've felt like.

If we end up with an only, the only thing I will change from my upbringing, is let him interact with kids more.  Since there were no other kids in my immediate household, and my parents couldn't be further from "kid people," I didn't hang around with other kids that often.  So I probably "grew up" much quicker.  Worked for me and I loved being with adults, but I do want to give DS the option to just be a kid, and have tons of playdates and sleepovers with his cousins and friends and such.  

That sounds like a good plan, IPW :o)  If DD ends up an only, I would also like to make a point of giving her lots of opportunities to play with other kids.  Luckily my brother has a DD who is 10 weeks younger (and will probably have more) and my sister has a 3yo.  We don't get grilled about about when/if we're having another, probably because our families know we're not in a good place and because the grandparents all have other LOs besides ours.  I guess my problem is putting pressure on myself to have things figured out.  For now (or at least this week lol) I am content with the way things are and we'll see what happens in the future.

Arcain - DD usually ate one or two cubes and cereal, twice a day.  With the cereal, probably the equivalent of 4 cubes.  But I think she took in more fluids than your DS if I remember correctly from previous posts.  She would BF in the morning, 3 6-oz bottles at daycare, and BF at night.  I can't remember when we started 3 meals - maybe 9 months?  Anyway, people do things all kinda different!  Just sharing my experience.