Shyness

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from IPWBride. Show IPWBride's posts

    Shyness

    Is that a word?  My DS has become SOO SHY.  He practically crawls into my neck when someone he doesn't know says hello.  Even someone he knows actually.  Oddly enough, he was shy this morning with my MIL at drop off... who has taken care of him his whole life.  Last night we were signing, talking and playing in the toy room.  My BIL came over and DS immediatley stopped what he was doing, crawled into my lap and "disappeared" into my shoulder.  Then when my DH and BIL went downstairs to do something in the garage, DS looked really concerned and said "Dada???" as if he was really worried for him being with our BIL.

    Some people get it and don't take offense.  But some people get really offended (my neighbors for some reason).  Is this just a phase and DS needs to work through it?  Anything I can do to help him feel more confident and secure?  I'd imagine that's what being shy is all about??  My mom says I walked around restaurants introducing myself at 2... so not sure I really get being shy.

    Oh, DS is 21 mths.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from medfordcc. Show medfordcc's posts

    Re: Shyness

    In Response to Re: Shyness:
    [QUOTE]DS (3.5) was like a new hemroid to me when some people came over for a BBQ. At bed time he said "Sometimes I'm shy." DH responded "sometimes we are all shy, but it's important to be polite."
    Posted by KAM2007[/QUOTE]
    ha ha ha!!
    But also I like your DH's response.  I plan to emphasize this as my DD (almost 2) gets older.  It's okay to feel shy, but also important to act polite.
    For now, two things that help a lot are (1) holding hands.  If someone talks to her and she gets shy, offering her a hand to hold seems to help her feel stronger.  And (2) if it's someone coming over to our house who wants to play with her and she doesn't want any part, I try to politely tell (and show) the visitor that the best plan is for us to play and do something fun, and when DD is ready she'll join in.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Shyness

    Get into a play group, a library reading hour go out on a date with your husband and dump your kid on a babysitter.....I promise he won't break!

    Your letter sounds like a first time Mom.  By that I mean you can't understand why DS is so shy and crawls into your neck... the reason is simple, if i'm correct about you being a 1st time Mom, you represent his "social circle" the majority of the time and have become his security blanket!

    Take him out with kids his age
    (+/-) a month or two, let him socialize!

    The sooner DS becomes less shy the sooner he will adjust to your not being there. Think pre-school............Good Luck!  Laughing
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from medfordcc. Show medfordcc's posts

    Re: Shyness

    Roger, I appreciate what you're trying to say, but I have to disagree.
    My DD (almost 2) goes to a daycare center 2 days/week where she is in a group with other kids her age.  Two other days/week, she is with my mother.  On the days she's with my mother, plus the other 3 days/week that my husband and/or I are with her, we do one or more of the following: playground, music class, story time, go out to a restaurant, or get together with friends who also have kids.  We also go out and leave her with a babysitter every couple of weeks.
    She's definitely out and about, but that doesn't mean she doesn't hide behind my leg sometimes!
    The original poster, IPW, also is a working parent, so I think her DS is out and about as well.

    I know you want to help, and your advice is good if it weren't stuff we were already doing!  But your post also suggests that we are not taking our kids out to socialize and so their shyness is a result of something we're doing wrong.  In fact, that's just the way they are sometimes.  We are who we are!  :)
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from purplecow89. Show purplecow89's posts

    Re: Shyness

    Yup, Roger jumped to a conclusion but I'll bet he's going on some actual examples--because I've seen them too, the kids who are tethered to Mom and hardly every get out of the house, or never have an un-mediated moment. 

    Someone recently wrote an Ask Amy letter about how to respond when neighbors dare to actually greet her children in public, because it bursts her protective bubble--some old retired veteran in the coffee shop they go to once a month actually tried to have a conversation!  But they're Her Kids!  And even kids who do activities can do them with Mom mediating--it's too much Mommy and not enough Me--so that they aren't really interacting with other kids or the other adults.  If the Kindermusik teacher gives a direction and kid looks not at her but up to Mom and Mom repeats it...missing the point of going.

    Our playgroup had one girl whose mom had classified her as a shy/reactive/cautious temperament based on some parenting web site baby character classifier (reminded me of one of those magazine quizzes, Are you a Betty or a Veronica?)  Kid did not have any inherent disabilities per her pediatrician.

    Kid went to playgroup, so she did know other kids, but was never more than an arm's length from Mom;  was never cared for by anyone other than Mom or Grandma;  was never out of the presence of one of them for even five minutes, I mean Mom took her into the bathroom with her at other playgroup families' houses;  she never spoke directly to anyone but would whisper and gesture to Mom who would "translate"; She couldn't play with other kids without Mom mediating--she was playing Hi Ho Cherry-O with my kid, she would point at the pieces and Mom would move them for her.  Once we were out to lunch and a waiter knelt down to talk to 4 year old Kid directly and as soon as he left Kid went berserk (Mom labeled it as "Susie is confused" rather than scared sh--less because she was not allowed to have or know about negative emotions) and they had to go in the bathroom to comfort nurse for half an hour.

    Mom took a kid who was, presumably, a quiet kid and turned her into a complete basket case.  Mom was in for a rude awakening when kid was 5 and got placed in preschool rather than kindergarten, and she wondered why.

    Yes, they are who they are, but we can try to rein them in toward the middle rather than pushing them out to the edge.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: Shyness

    Roger - the OP works full time and her son goes to daycare.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from medfordcc. Show medfordcc's posts

    Re: Shyness

    purplecow, I wasn't saying Roger's comments would never be valid, and I don't doubt the case study you cite as a cautionary tale.
    I was just saying that in the particular cases we are talking about, those suggestions are not relevant.  His post implied that the shyness would not occur if we were not first time moms and if we did more socializing and/or used babysitters.  These implications are false in our cases.  Frankly, it's a little unfair to suggest that the shyness is a result of our parenting.

    I think all of us who posted earlier in the thread are interested in having our kids socialize with others.  The themes of the posts were mainly (a) checking how "normal" this behavior is in kids this age (1.5 - 3 ish), (b) sharing ideas on whether/how to deal with adults who are offended by shy behavior, and (c) sharing suggestions for how to encourage our kids to socialize happily and respond politely to others.
    That's all it was!  I think we all agree that it stinks for a kid to be unable to socialize comfortably.  The difference is only in the assumption that shyness is due to a lack of opportunities or to excess hovering by parents.  This was the part I objected to.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Shyness

    I know you want to help, and your advice is good if it weren't stuff we were already doing! But your post also suggests that we are not taking our kids out to socialize and so their shyness is a result of something we're doing wrong. In fact, that's just the way they are sometimes. We are who we are! :)

    Yup, Roger jumped to a conclusion but I'll bet he's going on some actual examples--because I've seen them too, the kids who are tethered to Mom and hardly every get out of the house, or never have an un-mediated moment. 

    Roger - the OP works full time and her son goes to daycare.   
           
    purplecow, I wasn't saying Roger's comments would never be valid, and I don't doubt the case study you cite as a cautionary tale.
               
    **************

    My apologies if any offence.

    Here's what I meant by my post.

    It's simply based on my best "guess".....it's not the antidote!

    WE - poppy609, medfordcc, purplecow89, et al - all got the same instruction manual with our kids! You will find under the chapter of "Shyness" a series of blank pages.....just like the rest of the book!

    NOBODY has the answer you (LW) is looking for, just a "guess" - IMHO

    You/We - don't have to agree.....Wink


    Is it shyness or separation anxiety???
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from lissafro. Show lissafro's posts

    Re: Shyness

    No matter whether it's an age-based phase or an overall inclination/personality trait, I think it's important that as parents we don't push too hard for the shy kid to override their gut instincts, even if the gut instinct is a new phase and the kid used to be more gregarious.  My DD is 3 and not so much shy as cautious.  She acts very shy with everyone at first.  However, given a few minutes of observation at the edge of the scene she can become very talkative and social.  If it's some random old lady in the grocery line, of course she's not going to have time to get her observation time in and acclimate herself.  So that old lady talking in a babytalk voice will leave thinking my daughter is horribly shy.  Oh well. 

    In my opinion, random strangers don't really deserve the effort it would take to get DD to say hi.  Plus, DD would get the message that random strangers are more important than her gut instincts.  If it's a family member she struggles with, I'd try to get her more comfortable eventually but I'd expect the adult in the situation to be mature enough to understand that backing off and giving her space will earn better results than pushing and being obnoxious and getting in her space. 
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from lissafro. Show lissafro's posts

    Re: Shyness

    By the way, Roger, your icon is difficult to read due to cropping/size but it is HILARIOUS.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Shyness

    In Response to Re: Shyness:
    [QUOTE]By the way, Roger, your icon is difficult to read due to cropping/size but it is HILARIOUS.
    Posted by lissafro[/QUOTE]

    Ssssshhhhhhhhhhh   ;)
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from IPWBride. Show IPWBride's posts

    Re: Shyness

    Sorry to have posted and then disappeared.  Vaca last week.  I should have clarified a bit.  He's very shy with adults mostly. He's actually pretty good with kids, even his older cousins who are almost 10.  I wrote this post/question on a day that he looked so shy when I dropped him off at my MILs (and perhaps that was a bit of separation anxiety vs. shyness).  And that I just did not understand since she has taken care of him, 5 days a week until 1yr and now 2 days a week.  He does go to daycare 3 days a week, and has for 8-9 months now, so I'm sure that is what helps him be more open with kids.  

    I was just concerned because it was with family members and people he knows.  Like Lissa, I don't care that he isnt friendly with pure strangers at his age.    

    I'm just giving him space and I tell people up front that he's shy and that he usually "warms up" in about 20 minutes or so.  That helps set the stage.  Last week on vaca with 8 other families... some kept their distance from him telling me "I don't want to freak him out, I know he's shy" and some made small gestures that helped him feel comfortable and babbling to them within 20-30 minutes.  So I think he's getting there.

    And what I meant by my neighbor taking offence.  More like surprise I guess.  They have a 4 yr old boy who practically runs across the street every time we come out of our house.  He'd jump into my arms if I opened them.  Every single time they come over they look to DS and say "wanna come to me" holding out their arms.  He's NEVER once let them hold him... so why they keep doing it, and then have a sad look when he declines their offer (by burrowing into my shoulder) is beyond me.  And their look is like "I'm taking this personal that you won't let me hold you."  So weird.  We aren't friends with these folks... really just "polite neighbors," so I'm not worrying. 
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from medfordcc. Show medfordcc's posts

    Re: Shyness

    Roger, I know you didn't want to offend!  I was just saying that the blank pages (I like that analogy!) are filled in differently in our cases than what you may guess.

    IPW - you went on vacation with EIGHT other families?  Good for you - that's a logistical feat!
    And yes, my DD is similar to what you describe.  We went to a lot of parties this weekend, and she was very happy playing with and talking to people who will just let her *be* for a few minutes until she's warmed up.  As opposed to people who try to pick her up or force stuff on her right away.  So, I guess she acts like most grown ups would!  ;)
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Shyness

    Your neighbors are slow learners, lol, if they can't figure out that not every child is as outgoing as their 4 yo and they are hurt when a toddler shows very normal signs of shyness with people mom and dad aren't even friends with. Kids know the diffrence between friends and aquaintences - too bad your neighbors don't seem to.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from CT-DC. Show CT-DC's posts

    Re: Shyness

    oo, ick, hugging strangers???????  

    I agree with your son, IPWBride!

    I direct a group of centers and we have several other people who support the directors and one of those people HUGS us, every one of us, when she greets us at meetings.  Ugh.  I don't wanna hug people I'm in a professoinal relationship with.  I will hug relatives, close (really close) friends, and my family.  I'm NOT going to hug her!  So I make sure I stay away during the greeting phase of the meeting, or hold a notebook in front of me - wish I had a shoulder I could burrow into!

    Laughing
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from misslily. Show misslily's posts

    Re: Shyness

    I'm with you CT - I don't even like to hug my in-laws. I would never hug a co-worker - it's simply not appropriate. If I ran into this hugger I'd hide in a corner too.Perhaps sticking out your hand really firmly for a handshake would get the point across?  How about a company wide email that "there will be no more 'personal touching' as it has come to the attention of HR that it is making some staff members uncomfortable."
    :)
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from lissafro. Show lissafro's posts

    Re: Shyness

    You can always do what I do-just put your arms up, elbows bent, palms out, and say with direct eye contact and a charming smile "I don't hug."
     
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