This may be too personal of a topic but...

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from IPWBride. Show IPWBride's posts

    This may be too personal of a topic but...

    ...and I don't want this post to become crass in anyway... but I'm just feeling horrible about something.  DS is 4 months tomorrow.  And I'm just not feeling it when it comes to BDing.  We did the obligatory 6 week wait after delivery, and then tried to resume somewhat of a normal s!x life.  I have read that breastfeeding can really interfere with desire as well as the actual physical "response" that usually makes it more fun.  Well... that would certainly explain it for me, and I've been trying to just push through it, but I'm not sure DH understands when I try to explain.  All of a sudden my soon-to-be 40 year old DH is like a 17 year old (good for him!) and I so want to be there too.  I'm not sure if its just being so tired or what... but I've never said "not tonight" more in my life (although I don't think he's ever asked as much either!).  And I'm just starting to feel horrible about it for both our sakes.  
    Not looking for stats on what everyone else is doing... just wanted to open the discussion to see if anyone else is feeling this way.  Are folks back to normal (whatever that is for you), way behind, or perhaps ahead of (god bless you!) your usual activities.
    So many things in life I try to use the motto "its quality, not quantity," but I'm not sure I can even say that anymore :-)
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from winter09wedding. Show winter09wedding's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    I totally understand- I am breastfeeding too- which totally changed what i was interested in (Desire is ok, but what feels comfortable is different). we have not resumed our prebaby patterns in frequency and what we are doing is slightly different too. it doesnt help that we are both so tired. so i don't have the same issue- my DH is still approaching 40 in that way, but i miss the intimacy we used to get from that.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from Trouble30. Show Trouble30's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    Haha.. I know what you mean IPW!  I also BF, but I don't think it's to do with that at all for me - I'm just plain exhausted!  Baby is exhausting enough on her own, but then add work into the mix and I can barely take it!  If I'm finally in bed without the baby I just want to sleep!!!!! 

    My DH also seems to have quite a drive, but he does understand and will take care of it on his own if you know what I mean.  It is good once I get the energy to get going.  I find I have more energy if it's in the morning vs. evening. 

    Also, exercise caution when you do do it, because they have a lot of pent up little guys and then you know what that *might* mean!  Hello #2!
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from nene72. Show nene72's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    It took us a *really* long time to get back on track.  I think we waited 4 months before we started again.  I think it was an issue of being tired and feeling different.  DH is also approaching 40 and was really patient and now we've settled into a routine. It's definately not as frequent as and I think it really has to do with both of us being exhausted.  I know that sparks are more likely to fly on weekends or if we have time off. 
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from ml2620-2. Show ml2620-2's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    I am in the same boat and DD is almost 6 months.

    I knew it would probably happen. The advice is to go through the motions and it will come back naturally, and I have, still same frequency and everything, didn't even wait 6 weeks. My level of interest really hasn't come back, and I've just figured it would fix itself either when my cycle came back (it still hasn't) or I stopped nursing (it's still going well, don't plan to stop for at least another six months).

    I miss the spark. We are closer than ever, and honestly it shocks me DH is still interested in me after seeing me give birth, I just feel like I haven't been enough of a wife to him lately.

    For those of you who have been through this, what got you back on track? I'm not really willing to give up BF'ing, but is that the only thing that worked?

     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from winter09wedding. Show winter09wedding's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    ml- ditto on the seeing the birth thing!! I felt the same way.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from medfordcc. Show medfordcc's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    You are not alone...
    My husband's book, "Be Prepared", offers this, which made both of us laugh:
    "Why your partner may be giving you the cold shoulder:
    - Her hormones are suppressing her sex drive, making sure she cares for this baby instead of creating a new one.
    - Her body's just pulled off a Houdini-like feat, and is healing.
    - She's most likely been sucked, kneaded, pawed, and screamed at all day, and she may not want to be sucked, kneaded, pawed, or screamed at by anyone else for a while.
    - She doesn't fit into her clothes anymore, which can lead to fears that you don't find her attractive.  Do everything you can to convince her otherwise."

    Anyway, laughing together is better than nothing!  :)
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from amy-lynn. Show amy-lynn's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    My drive was way down for a long time after DD was born. I had a natural delivery, so a lot of it was that even though my ladyparts were healed, BDing just felt different. I found that using lube (which I never needed before) helped, as did trying different positions.
    I have always preferred mornings over evenings, so that was also a complicating factor, as I now had way more stuff to do each morning.
    AS far as breastfeeding - I think that also killed drive at first, but around 6 months, I found that I got way more aroused from having my breasts played with (sorry if TMI) than before. And I'm all sorts of sad that when we weaned it went back to the way it was before (much less exciting). So don't worry that breastfeeding is entirely killing your drive. It might at first, but (at least for me) I think it increased excitement.
    DD is now 2, and we are back to a more normal routine. It is more complicated than prebaby as far as finding the time, but it is just as satisfying as ever.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from SarahInActon. Show SarahInActon's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    Took us a while to get back into the swing of things and it was also weird as I had quite a few stitches "down there" and things felt wrong.  But all of the reasons medfordcc mention are totally true too!  I'd stick with the BF if it is going well other than the sex drive.  It don't think we even had actual sex (other stuff but not sex) until around 2.5-3 months ...
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    I obviously can't help with much here given that I'm not a mom, but I do have issues sometimes, and I use Astroglide and LOVE it.  A little goes a long way, and it works great.  I used KY for a long time, and I know it's the most advertised, possibly the most popular one, but it doesn't hold a candle to this imo.

    ETA:  I'm not remotely suggesting this as a panacea, just a small thing that could help with one of the afore mentioned issues. :)
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from lissafro. Show lissafro's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    We were both pretty excited about getting back to business after the baby was born.  (For those of you with almost-40-year-old husbands, my husband was 27 at the time!) I remember the first time after was very first-timey.  Overhyped and then a bit of a letdown.  It was very tough for a while for all the reasons people noted.  I breastfed until 15 months, so I was squirting left and right at inopportune times, as well as less responsive down there.  Plus, I don't know if anyone has explicitly mentioned this, but even ignoring possible stitches and things like that, which heal relatively quickly, the vag*** just isn't the same for a while--A LONG while!  I was pretty obsessive about my kegels and it still took a long time to get back to somewhat what I was before, both for me and for him.  2 years later, in some positions, it's still a weird, not quite pleasant thing.  Some angles are too much or something. 
    Plus, what amylyn said about mornings being a favorite time and then just not being possible anymore was a HUGE deal for us. 
    We only have one kid, so weekend naptimes have become such wonderful, blissful times.  Time it right, and you can fit in a shower, some BD, a snack and a nap!  Glorious. 
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    IPW - I am struggling with this as well and have thought of posting about it but was too embarassed!  I'm glad you brought it up.

    Almost 4 months out, we have resumed some semblance of a love life but it's definitely different, and a lot of that is because of my lack of drive.  It feels more like a "wifely duty" than anything.  I feel badly because DH will sometimes lament our prior habits,and I know he gets somewhat hurt when I turn him down.  But then I sometimes feel resentful when I've been "on", running around from 6am -10pm and he decides when he comes to bed at 11 that he's in the mood.  It sort of feels disrespectful (although I know he doesn't mean it that way). 

    The most successful times for us are on weekends during Zoe's afternoon nap, which is usually around an hour long.  I usually have some energy left during these times, and can usually feel ok about putting off for a little while the thousand things that have to be done.  Of course, once a week is not really enough for DH, so we're still working on it...
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from ml2620-2. Show ml2620-2's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    Oh my gosh Poppy, I totally agree about that whole 11 PM thing. I'm like, seriously? Are you kidding? For some reason, it really upsets me (probably because like you, I'm half angry, half feeling guilty).

    Hate to say it, but BD'ing has to be on the to do list now. If I don't know about it before I get into bed, it is not happening.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from stefani2. Show stefani2's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    wow, good for you guys for having at least one partner *want* to BD!  i feel like DH and i bicker constantly, still, due to the new and stressful environment of having infant twins.  it's like when we first moved in together, multiplied by 10.  ugh!  this added to the fact that we bd'd literally 2x during my PG'y b/c i felt so bloated and stuffed to capacity, and 2x since the birth - it's pathetic.  and i do think BD-ing helps to bring us closer and lessen our fighting, but we still can't get into a rhythm.  ugh!
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from luvRIboy. Show luvRIboy's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    It is definitely at the bottom of the priority list, although we have talked about bumping it back up a couple of notches.  I echo weekend naptimes as preferable to weeknights, but even then, I want to sleep too! 

    That said, I'd rather have a good makeout session on the couch fully clothed than a quicky in bed right now.  I think that's highly underrated, especially once you're years into a relationship. 
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    I can't tell you what a relief it is to know some of you are feeling the same way .  Not that I'm happy this is happening to you!  But I've been too shy to bring this up with any of my friends, and it's good to know I'm not alone.

    As hard as it is for me to talk about, I do find that when I am able to bring it up (in as non-confrontational/resentful a mannar as possible) with DH, I do usually end up feeling better about it - I think we both do.  It's just sometimes hard not to snap at him during those nights he comes to bed feeling amorous...

    I'm with you, ML, must be on the "to do" list.  Like Luv said, sometimes kissing/cuddling is way more enjoyable for me.  Of course, then I'm satisfied and want to stop and go to sleep, whereas DH will then be all revved up...
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from June08bride. Show June08bride's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    Not sure why but Im 6 weeks post delivery as of tomorrow and I swear my drive is crazy high, I want it all the time.  Not sure if having a c section is the reason why and my lady parts are totally fine.  DH and I tried to bd once and it was a total train wreck maybe because as much as I want it, Im scared to get pregnant again....2 babies in 13 months is more than enough for me.  I think Im gonna have to get DH snipped because going back on the pill once I get my period will kill my drive!
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from canukgrl. Show canukgrl's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    This about sums it up for me; "She's most likely been sucked, kneaded, pawed, and screamed at all day, and she may not want to be sucked, kneaded, pawed, or screamed at by anyone else for a while" esp. while i was nursing/in the early months

    With #1, natural birth, I'd say it took the better part of a year (nursed until 7-8mo) before my hormones, body and drive returned to something like normal... of course by then I was ready to try for #2

    With #2, c-section, it has returned much more quickly, but time is now the issue!  Gotta love weekend nap-time, and I am so thankful my almost 3yo still naps hard on weekends!
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    Canuk - where did I read that... Babycenter?  Yes, I agree, that about sums it up!

    June08 - I had a c-section, yet still not a lot of drive almost 4 months out (and incision area hurt for a good 2 months out). 

    I chalk it up to a combo of nursing and lack of sleep.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from June08bride. Show June08bride's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    Poppy do you breastfeed?  I dont, maybe that makes a difference?  I dont know???  My incision didnt hurt after a couple weeks, but I still dont have all the sensation back in my belly area.  Did you wear a band that helped keep everything in place?  I didnt wear it after the second week and now I have it back on hoping it helps shrink everything back to normal....ugh thank god Im done having kids and can have my body back!
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    June - I do breastfeed, and I bet that has something to do with it... I never wore that band, did you/do you find that it helps?

     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from June08bride. Show June08bride's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    I just put it back on after a 4 week break...so I will keep you posted!!!  :)
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from medfordcc. Show medfordcc's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    Poppy, I had posted it as a quote from my husband's book, "Be Prepared".  :)
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from luckinlife. Show luckinlife's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    I think with all of us feeling pretty much the same way (except June bless your heart) that it is normal.

    As most of you know I unfortunately had to give up BF so I don't think it is just about BF.  I found my drive was lower even prior to pregnancy probably b/c of all the fertility meds.

    I asked a patient recently if she was having sex and she said yes but should would rather be mopping the floor - I had to chuckle.

    Things do feel different - probably thanks to a lot of stitches.  After delivery my husband looked down below and said "that ain't ever going back".(I know that sounds harsh but it was absolutely hysterically funny at the time).    However it did!  Like many of you he has quite a drive but I very early in our relationship put the brakes on coming to bed late and waking me up and expecting anything. 

    I don't know about you but prior to pregnancy my libido would go way up when we were on vacation.  I think that just having so much on our minds and now the responsiblity of a little one's complete world, it is hard to let go.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...

    LOL - I knew I read it somewhere!

    ETA: I'm hopeless at keeping up with these boards since having DD, and now being back at work.  I can't focus long enough to take anything in properly, and can't remember anything either.  I've been feeling like a bad BDC friend!

    In Response to Re: This may be too personal of a topic but...:
    Poppy, I had posted it as a quote from my husband's book, "Be Prepared".  :)
    Posted by medfordcc
     
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