Way OT - DH advice

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from misslily. Show misslily's posts

    Way OT - DH advice

    OK - I may be opening a big can of worms here and sorry about the OT discussion.  My DH is complaining about not getting enough (Ahem).  I'm just so tired at the end of the day I can't imagine.  It's usually after 9:00 by the time I clean up the toys, fold a load of laundry and take a shower.  All I want to do after that is go to sleep.
    I know you're all going to suggest that I ask him to help more, but he doesn't want to do that.
    Where do I find the energy to keep him happy once or twice a week? Really - he says he feel unloved.  I adore him, but I'm too tired to feel very sexy. 
    Any ideas?
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    How about a quickie once a week?  Use Astroglide if you can't get going in a short time because you're tired.  15 minutes a week with a little lube to help you out will go a long way.  Get it on, get to sleep.  Both of you win.

    I can't imagine having twins, but I do know sex is a necessary part of a healthy marriage, and men will get it somewhere.  If he's actually feeling terrible enough to say he feels unloved, he's going to find lovin' somewhere else at some point.  (statistically speaking - I'm not judging your DH, how could I?)

    I'm not judging you and certainly not downplaying how exhausting your life is 24/7.  But, I don't want to see you post a year from now about a marriage that has disintegrated slowly rather than one that has improved dramatically for your having decided to give him 15 - 20 minutes a week of serious physically-based assurance of being loved by his wife.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from Trouble30. Show Trouble30's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Miss Lily,
    Do you get any "me" time?  I don't too much, but I do work so I get time away where I can be "me" rather than just "mommy."  If at all possible, maybe you can arrange at least one day a month where you can go and get your hair or nails done, shopping, etc. Something just for you.  That might help you feel relaxed and sexy again.  Unless I am confused, I think you're a SAHM?  I definitely get where you're coming from and think you might need a break!
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from misslily. Show misslily's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Thanks Kar - I guess what I need is a good swift kick.  I want him to feel loved and I want to feel loved too.  I guess I'd feel more loved if he'd help more - but that's not going to happen.  Maybe making him happier will lead to him making me happier too.
    Give some to get some...right?
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from dz76. Show dz76's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    It's not easy or even enjoyable for you but sometimes you just have to do it, like the laundry or taking a shower.

    I've found that weekends are easier to find the time, maybe when the kids are napping or in the morning before they get up.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from dz76. Show dz76's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Look it this way. 

    He still loves you, wants you and wants you to want him. 

    There is something sweet about that, even if it mostly just seems annoying while he's grabbing and you just want to sleep.  :-)
     
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  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from RedFishBlueFish. Show RedFishBlueFish's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    I do agree with the others. It's important for both of you to connect in that way and share that special bond.

    However, even if you know it won't happen, I do think it's important that you tell him how you feel about the idea of him helping more, because this "I guess I'd feel more loved if he'd help more - but that's not going to happen" is concerning. If you don't address that as an underlying issue for YOU, then it will fester just as much as his issue. Communication is important, for both of you.

    It's important for you to feel loved and appreciated and valued. We all have different ways of showing that and it's important for him to be aware of how you feel.

     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from Winter2011Bride. Show Winter2011Bride's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Personally I think you should explain that if he even helped pick up the toys or folded one little load of laundry that could give you a little more energy.  I understand he works to support his family...but the job of taking care of the kids, him and the house is much much harder.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from ml2620-2. Show ml2620-2's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    OK, now that Kar has driven you out to the ledge...

    I'm completely in the same boat with just one baby, and this is really, really common in young families. I can't say we are exactly rockin' the caspah these days, but you have to put sex on the to do list. Seriously, on the list. with all the other to dos.

    I say seriously because we had this incident some months ago where I climbed into bed completely exhausted, DH made a move and I just lost it on him, I was so exhausted and pissed off that I thought I was finally going to get a few brief hours of sleep and he had one more thing to add to my to do list - HIM! But it lead to a really good discussion about needs and expectations and while our sex life is not anything like it was TTCing, it's better.

    So the deal is, I "surprise" him at least once I week (I'm the only one who seems to need to know sex is on the schedule, so I secretly actually schedule it in my head), and weekend nap times are a free for all :) I feel so much better afterwards. I love my husband so much, I just had to train myself to show him in a way he needed and understood.

    And I'm not even kidding when I say I'm actually aroused by clean folded laundry and a sink free of dishes these days, as I have made more of an effort - so has DH, without my asking.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from medfordcc. Show medfordcc's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    I have a very different perspective on this than some of the other posters.  I'm going to try to say it nicely and I hope no one will think that I'm saying their way is wrong.

    I know that sex is a healthy part of marriage.  But I am totally against considering it an *obligatory* part of marriage.  If I were to consider it as an obligation, or something I should just suck it up and do, I would end up feeling INCREDIBLY resentful.  Perhaps this is just me, but I can't imagine feeling like you are doing something so intimate when you don't want to without ending up feeling like it's not fair to you.

    This is a telling quote from your OP: "I know you're all going to suggest that I ask him to help more, but he doesn't want to do that."
    Well, if he doesn't want to do that, and you don't want to do "that", then it's a bit of a sticky situation.

    Not to say it should be a confrontation, or that you hold sex hostage in exchange for chores.  But I think this needs to be a discussion, and you can frame the discussion as "what can WE do differently so that I will WANT to have sex with you?"  (as opposed to it being yet another chore).
    For me, we both had a tendency to try to fit in an extra hour of work before bed.  So for us, the conversation was that we needed to put the laptops aside and spend that time talking and snuggling.  Once we had that time of closeness, it made me more open to being close in other ways, ahem.

    (Oh - and I totally agree that weekend nap times are the best option!)
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    There are only so many hours in the day.  We don't have kids but I have 12 hour days and DH has 12-14 hour days in his new job.  We get up at 5 and go to bed by 9.15 at the latest.  If I could avoid doing it at all during the week, I'd  be happy.  With DH's new schedule and travel schedule that's usually possible.  If you want to fit in more doing it time, what's wrong w/ doubling up on the weekend? Yes, it's a healthy part of marriage, but so is sleep.  If he doesn't want to help out around the house, or let you hire a mother's helper a few hours per week, then I don't know how to tell you to get in the mood.  You do need 'me time' or 'down time' and if he's not going to do any of the housework or childcare or give you a break, then I don't know what he expects.  You should not use doing it [BDC keeps banning s e x]  as a reward or means of exchange, but really, how can you be in the mood if you are exhausted.  Broach the idea of a mother's helper for a few hours per week, or get a sitter on the weekend for a 'date' night.  He may have Wed pm as his 'extra night' in mind, but what's wrong w/ doubling up on the weekend or twice on Sundays? 

    I envy you all your weekend naps.  I don't even have kids and I don't have time for that!  lol. 
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Maybe he's thinking, "She doesn't give me physical assurance she loves me even for just 15 minutes a week in bed so why should I help her for 15 minutes with the housework?"  That's NOT OK.  But, the thought crossed my mind - why not his?  It would be a human thing to think if he does, in fact, feel unloved.  This situation is a recipe for resentment from both sides.

    Compromise and the scking up of pride is obligatory in a successful marriage.

    And, I didn't mean to scare misslily.  But, I'd be stunned if she weren't already thinking about the things I said.  Any wife that hears her husband say, "I feel unloved," heads right for the ledge without any help from me.  I was simply being honest with the 100% intent of encouraging her.  Astroglide is a miracle product!  You can practically BE asleep, no problem, lol.

    What if on Sex Saturday, nobody picks up the house?  Dinner is takeout, and Misslily does the absolute minimum amount of work that needs to be done, naps herself when the kids do, and saves a bit of energy for Mr Lily?  There's always Sck-It-Up Sunday for him to pitch in getting caught up on what got left undone on Sex Saturday.  
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from luckinlife. Show luckinlife's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Two things instantly boost my somewhat low libido -
    1) vacation
    2) hubby helping around the house.

    Having intercourse in exchange for chores is not very palatable but when even some-guy sees the validity of the  no help = no intercourse equation it is more than just a time issue.   How can you possibly feel s*exy or attractive when he won't do the one thing for you that you need most??  I think he probably does not realize how important it is to you that he helps.  Perhaps, he should do one day alone with the twins to get a better idea.

    Lily,  I think you posted before about your husband not wanting to change diapers either.  I think you are a saint.

    Actually, thinking of all that my husband does right now makes me think a mid-week quickie is in order.  :)
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from medfordcc. Show medfordcc's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Okay, I walked away from this thread to cool down, but I just got more angry.  No more Ms. Nice Poster.

    There is a lot of good advice here: schedule time for it, brainstorm ideas, have discussions, get help, et cetera.  If discussions and plans aren't working, even marriage counseling.
    I definitely agree that it's a worthwhile endeavor to try TOGETHER to restore this part of your marriage.

    But the essence of part of Kar's post is way off.  I don't think your marriage vows were "to love, honor, and lube up and put out or else your husband will cheat on you."  The argument of straying husbands is offensive to men.
    This isn't Mad Men.  You don't need a swift kick.
    You need a partner to work with you on the issue.  Not for you to be the one to have to shoulder the repairs on your own.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    I think Kar has a point.  Even if you aren't in the mood, doing it is good for marriage. You should not make a habit of it, but I've 'given in' when I would rather roll over and go to sleep just b/c I love DH and if he's in the mood, I'll go for it.  9 times out of 10, I'm in mood halfway through. And Astroglide is my friend even when I am in the mood. ;-) 

    It should not be obligatory, but I don't see a problem w/ giving in once and while to keep him happy.  He should do the same for you though.  If that means doing dishes, so be it. 

    I don't think a man is going to cheat just b/c he isn't getting any as often as he'd like.  If he's going to cheat, it's for other reasons that have everything to do w/ him and nothing to do w/ an exhausted wife. 
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Misslily - I totally feel for you and am in the same boat.  DH and I have struggled off and on with this since DD was born (she's 9 months).  We have the *exact* same situation with the dual-resentment - he wants sex, I want help around the house.  Tensions kept building up and we weren't communicating about it.  We've since gotten better about talking, but it still happens occasionally.

    During one of our conversations, something very enlightening happened.  He said, "I need sex to feel connected to you."  And I said, "I need to feel connected to you before I want to have sex."  Bing!  Light bulbs.  Since then we've both had a much better idea of where the other one is coming from.

    One question I had for you - how do you feel after you have sex?  Do you feel resentment, or do you think, "I really didn't feel like it, but I'm glad we did that."  For me, my before and after feelings are often very different, and I rarely hold resentment after the fact, even if I'm totally pissed off that he's trying to make the moves on me.

    P.S. I wrote in the "discipline" thread to you - I wasn't offended at all by your post, in fact my post was in response to a different post that has since been deleted by its writer... Just wanted you to know!
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from Novembride. Show Novembride's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    I don't have kids yet, so I don't know how this would work out - maybe when/after they are asleep.  We also both have long days - I do 10 hour days at an office and he runs his own business pretty much 24/7, and there was a point when I was tired of doing all the house work, and DH was tired of me being "too tired" to feel sexy.  So we compromised - he helped me fold laundry and I wore lingerie while we folded, we played "strip dishes" - an item of clothing for each dish either unloaded from the dishwasher, or loaded in as needed. Not every time, mind you, but once a week or so. Stuff got done, we did it together, had fun doing it and one thing almost always led to another.


    ETA:  Quoting Poppy - During one of our conversations, something very enlightening happened.  He said, "I need sex to feel connected to you."  And I said, "I need to feel connected to you before I want to have sex."  Bing!  Light bulbs.  Since then we've both had a much better idea of where the other one is coming from.

    DH and I have had this conversation, too.  I wonder if this is the fundamental difference between men & women?

     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from misslily. Show misslily's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    I want to thank everyone for posting.  I agree with all of you.
    My DH is tricky - he's very sensitive to criticism - more so than I am, and to be quite honest could use a self esteem boost once in a while.
    So while I'd love to climb on my high horse and say "more chores!" maybe it's more important to find those extra 20 minutes first and then see if helping him feel loved doesn't bring some more help my way.
    I love my DH and want him to be happy.  And, like Poppy says, afterwards I'm glad I found the time when we do get to connect.
    And while he's lousy at the day to day helping (including having an aversion to diapers) he does the big stuff without a fight.  Bought and assembled the swing set, painted the deck so they wouldn't get splinters...stuff like that.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    For a husband to get to the extreme of actually saying out loud, "I don't feel loved anymore," is a big deal and says its time for compromise in that department. This has been festering in his heart and mind a long time for him to say that. 

    I maintain that sometimes even with sex, we have to do things we don't feel like doing to contribute to the overall health of our marriage.  All the time?  Of course, not!  But, I would think it would go without saying that Misslily would enjoy the intimate company of her husband most of the time even if at first she doesn't feel like she's in the mood.  

    My advice was meant to be a temporary measure to give him a quick reassurance that he is loved by his wife, turn her own body back on to the joy of sex even when she's tired, and to get what could be a marriage starting to fill with resentment back on track and filled with overt love that is expressed in a healthy, physical way.

    Research has shown that sex causes you to desire more sex due to the chemicals it releases in your brain.  I think if misslily does sacrifice at first she will end up wanting it more.  There is exhaustion (a real problem), but there's also habit.  No sex for a busy mom becomes habitual and might seem OK to her, and, yes, sometimes we DO need a kick in the pants to break habits that are destructive.

    ETA:  Took me longer than 5 minutes, misslily, to post this so I missed your latest.  I'm relieved I didn't offend you and you got where I was coming from. :)
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from luckinlife. Show luckinlife's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Ml - I pretty much do the same thing. I like to surprise him at least once a week as well (but usually have it somewhat scheduled in my head). It may be a random time or even a random place.  This is a win-win.  That way I can initiate when I am in the best place possible and he loves it.  We both feel great afterwards.  
     That being said, DH is extremely respectful about my space and really lets me do the initiating.  I appreciate this so much. This has really helped so that there is not that time of resentment when I am not up for it and he is pushing.   We have essentially eliminated that.

    Lily- might something like this work for you?

    As an aside, I realize that the above may sound calculated and lack spontaneity but clearly most of us have had these issues post baby and it is a solution that seems to work.

     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from lissafro. Show lissafro's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    What are the mornings like on the weekends in your house?  Does DH stay in bed while you get up with the kids?  If so, how about him getting up with them while you sleep in.  He has to take them OUT because otherwise you'll hear them downstairs and be tempted to get up and help.  Also, him taking the twins out to get bagels will give him a new appreciation for how tired you are.  You can get some nice extra sleep (or read a book or watch TV or whatever) while they're gone and a bagel and coffee brought to you when you get back.  Then perhaps that afternoon during their naps you might suddenly be overcome with lust for your husband.  Then you can both take a nap after. 

    After a few weekends, you might even be able to leave the grocery list out on the table Friday night and wake up Saturday to a fridge full of groceries. 


    But you really need to have a conversation at some point about all this.  I think there are probably other things going on in the relationship that are related to this.  The fact your husband has an aversion to diapers that somehow gets him out of changing diapers is silly.  I have an aversion to diapers.  That doesn't mean my daughter's been wearing the same diaper for the last 2 years. 

    Also, do you WANT to have sex but are too tired or are there other things involved too, like lingering discomfort after having the babies, insecurity about post-pregnancy body changes, or perhaps a need for some variety from the same 3 moves hubby's been using for a decade?  Being dissatisfied doesn't mean you should be doomed to just open your legs, close your eyes, and think of England every time your husband's self esteem is in danger of drooping. 

    This shouldn't be about how YOU need to figure out how to change to make it all work.  This should be about how you BOTH can work together to figure out how to make it work for both of you. 

    Also, seriously, oral sex is so quick and easy, both ways.  I'm pretty sure DH and I have more oral than any thing else nowadays. 
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice:
    I have an aversion to diapers.  That doesn't mean my daughter's been wearing the same diaper for the last 2 years. 
    Posted by lissafro


    This is a great point.  In my experience, both as a parent and as an observer of parents, one parent typically takes on the role of the one who does the unpleasant tasks even though they are no fun, because they need to be done.  (and in my experience it's almost always the mother)  While the other parent can avoid these tasks simply by not doing them!  I constantly struggle with this.  I will sometimes not pick up the toys on the floor to see what happens... and 2 days later they are still on the floor.  Maybe DH thinks I *want* them on the floor?  That I left them there on purpose?  I don't know.  I pick my battles, and he does a lot of things (like take care of dinner each night because DD will only go to bed for me).  But I will admit I have a hard time coming to terms with this issue...
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from ml2620-2. Show ml2620-2's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    This post is making me feel really lucky to have such a helpful husband. I think I'm going to have to schedule something very very soon!
     
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