Way OT - DH advice

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from purplecow89. Show purplecow89's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Expecting the SAHwhoever to do MOST of the house and family stuff, with the spouse pitching in here and there as needed without acting like they're being asked to donate a kidney with their bare hands, is reasonable.

    Expecting the SAHwhoever to do absolutely every single thing besides going to a job and bringing home a paycheck while the paycheck earner spends every nonworking moment sitting on his or her behind giving orders or setting schedules is not.
     
    One can by choice or circumstance be a stay at home husband, wife, mom, dad.  No one should be a stay at home slave.

    And on a practical note--if you are going to be home in the morning, don't do unnecessary housework after dinner.  I don't mean wallow in a disgusting mess, but there is no law saying you have to do all the dinner dishes after dinner while Spouse watches TV or gets to be Fun Parent with the kids.  If it can wait until morning when Spouse is not there, let it wait.  Or tell Spouse that if he/she wants it done that badly, they can help.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from misslily. Show misslily's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice:
    You say you are concerned about keeping your marriage intact.  If you're concerned he's going to take off if you ask him to pitch in occasionally and stop demanding you put out when he pleases, then you've got bigger problems than who matches the socks. Why did you leave the higher paying job to stay home, instead of him?  Now there's a can of worms for you.
    Posted by purplecow89

    Of course I want to keep my marriage intact, but I didn't say I was on the brink of divorce. I just want to fix things before they get bad. And I never said my DH was demanding I "put out" either.  I said he told me he felt unloved because we weren't "engaging" enough anymore.  There is a difference.
    And it's not always about money.  I want to stay home with my kids - always have wanted that.  Both of us would be miserable if he were the SAHP. I'd be miserable at work and he'd be miserable at home. He loves his job, and I love being at home.  Yes it's hard, and the smaller income isn't easy, but it's the solution we are both happiest with.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from Leila32. Show Leila32's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Sorry to hear that Alf.  And I don’t think Kiwi meant it that way...I don’t think you have to experience being a parent to understand that it’s hard.  I was a nanny for almost 10 years, and while my career is very demanding and I work long hours, those years as a nanny were much more exhausting.

    I think most couples generally have a good division of labor.  My mom was a SAHM, yet my dad still did plenty around the house, and my mom by no means slacked off.  He passed away when I was a teenager...the man she remarried is much different.  He doesn’t life a finger around the house (and she works, albeit part-time).  I mean to the point that he can’t even put his plate in the dishwasher, the plate that was served to him in front the tv.  I’m surprised he wipes his own a s s.  Sorry, guess I am a little jaded.

    Another extreme...I work with men who have wives that don’t work – yet they have housekeepers and nannies.  What the heck do these women do all day?  Another extreme I don’t care for.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from Chiclet831. Show Chiclet831's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    just wanted to add my two cents about finding more time for each other...

    DH and I have had this problem too and have been working on it. (We don't have kids yet.) I'm usually exhausted by the end of the day when he's ready to go. We've found it helpful to break out of the regular schedule. If dinner takes 30 minutes to cook, for example, that can be 30 minutes of bedroom time. We also take a lot of showers together. If he makes a move at night, I usually try to consider it for a minute before I immediately shut him down. It might be worth the lost sleep.

    Good luck! I hope you can find the energy, for both your sakes!
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from Lostgrouse. Show Lostgrouse's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Misslily, maybe you can be more like me.  When I first married DH, he quickly realized that he did not want me doing his laundry since he actually sorts things and bleaches things (I didn't know what bleach had to do with laundry before I met him) and I just throw everything together in one big big load and add an arbitrary amount of detergent to it, turn it on regular and press start.  (Hence why you woulnd't have seen me anywhere near the mens' undershirt topic on here a few weeks ago).  He actually wrote "colors" and "whites" above the temperature setting on our old washer.  While I have heard and processed everything he has told me about his laundry knowledge, I still can't be bothered doing it any differently.

    Bottom line is that you know who does laundry in my house.  Wink
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from RedFishBlueFish. Show RedFishBlueFish's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice:
    In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice : i understand that.  That actually wasn't directed at you  -it was directed at another poster who said SAHW and SAHM are 2 different things. She probably didn't mean it that way, but I took it that way.  There seems to be an assumption by some [probably not by either you or her and I'm just being overly sensitive] that childless women do not understand how time consuming children are.  I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to see that infants and toddlers take up an enormous amount of time and energy.  Anyway, I'm sorry that you thought I was taking a stab at you. And I apologize to the other poster in advance who probably didnt' mean that. I'm not having the best day. We moved and my commute is that much longer - in DC traffic, 5 miles is a huge difference. I'm hoping to acclimate sooner rather htan later. Of course, when my office moves in Sept I will have the sweetest commute in the office and will have no excuse for being a beyotch.  :-)
    Posted by ALF72


    My apologies, ALF. I didn't mean it that way at all. As I said above, I think you and I are actually on the same page.

    My sympathy on the commute, too. I'll bet your counting the days until the office moves. I would be!
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from miscricket. Show miscricket's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice:
    Thanks Kar - I guess what I need is a good swift kick.  I want him to feel loved and I want to feel loved too.  I guess I'd feel more loved if he'd help more - but that's not going to happen.  Maybe making him happier will lead to him making me happier too. Give some to get some...right?
    Posted by misslily

    I guess I am having a hard time with the part that he wants you to "ahem"..but he's not willing to help around the house so that you will have either the energy or the interest in "ahem".  Have you tried telling him that watching him fold laundry and put it away is a real turn on for you?
    I can tell you that if a guy did not have enough consideration or value me enough as woman and equal partner in a relationship to fold some laundry at the end of the day...it would not make me feel in a particularly "ahem" mood.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from Mommyfirst. Show Mommyfirst's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    I will provide my 2 cents which I hope don't scare you.  To me it seems that it is a classic case of whose needs are being met and whose are not.  Sure some needs in a relationship are optional but some are not. 

    So if your husband is truly expressing a real need that he doesn't feel loved and he is not just being manipulative (which you might not really be able to tell) then why are you not discussing your real needs (for him to be a partner)?  I think if you just go through the motions with intimacy by meeting his needs, but he doesn't start listening to your needs, you will start to despise him. 

    I am saddened what some women have said they will do for their "marriage" but that is their decision.  Personally I am happy that it isn't the 50's but only you can know if you feel your needs are of equal value.  I do hope you are able to resolve this sticky issue so you are both happy. 
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from lissafro. Show lissafro's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice:
    lissafro - I, and probably 90% of other guys out there really wish more women thought like your last line implies.  Need a little attention and no time for the full show, quick BJ and done.  Sadly that just doesn't fit in with the way things are once you have kids, but it's still something to shoot for.  Almost like when you were first married again.
    Posted by some-guy

    Thanks for the shout out but I have to admit I meant it a little differently than you interpreted.  My DH is very fond of making an offer that I can't refuse.   ;)
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from beniceboston. Show beniceboston's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

     I'm not suggesting that she become June Cleaver and have a spotless house. I am saying, like some guy, that she keep the house relatively organized and clean. If he pitches in occasionally, great, but I think it unfair to expect it on a regular basis. And I'm so sorry that I haven't had the ability to actually carry a child to term yet.  Apparently I am not allowed to suggest that a SAHM do her job and take care of the house b/c I could not possibly have any idea how hard it is.  I know it's hard.  If he is expecting a perfect house and a wife who is ready to be bed 24/7, then he is expecting too much.  But expecting not to reguarly do household tasks is entirely w/in the realm of understanding. 
    Posted by ALF72[/QUOTE]

    Ahahaha. Ahhh. That's great. As someone who used to work fulltime and is now a SAHM, my house is less clean now than it was when I was working full-time... hmmm why? Because I have two kids to take care of. I'm up anywhere from 5am-6:30am and I take care of them till they both go to bed (7ish for #1 and around 10ish for #2) When one is napping the other is awake. If they're both sleeping at the same time I'm eating food or going to the bathroom and picking up the toys that are scattered all over from #1 playing. I took a shower yesterday, the last time I showered was last Friday. MissLily has twins... the only downtime she has is when they nap. So if her day with them starts at 7am (if she's lucky) and they go down at 7 - that's 12 hours of caring for 2 toddlers 7 days per week.

    My DH works around 70 hours per week - he does diapers, baths, he cleans the dishes, washes floors, vacuums etc etc..

    You'd be hard-pressed to find a nanny that also does housework and cooking - no one could do all those things with 2 toddlers running around.

    Any SAHM that I've met that worked full-time before having kids said that working a full-time job was much easier than taking care of a child all day.

    Thanks for the comic relief with my breakfast.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from beniceboston. Show beniceboston's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Oh, and Misslily, I think you should write in to Love Letters.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from SarahInActon. Show SarahInActon's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    The only thing that makes me just 99% perfect is I sometimes have trouble untying my appron at the end of the day.  And I'm not so good at mowing the lawn in heels, they keep sinking into my kentucky blue grass.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Well, my mother did it just fine, plus went to law school nights while she had 3 young children.  I also know of plenty of other people who did it and are doing it, including one of my good friends who has twin 3 yo boys [one of whom is autistic] and who just had a baby 2 months ago.  No, the houses aren't in perfect condition, but they also aren't a cause for concern.  I don't think they are all superhuman.  I also never said taking care of kids was easy. I said housework is easy and I stand by that.  However, I am one of those weird folks who actually enjoys housework and organizational tasks [ie, closets, drawers, etc]. I find it relaxing. I realize I am in the minority in this regard. 

    I have stated that I fully agree that dad should do more as far as childcare is concerned, but if you are a SAHM/W then your job includes housework. No one is saying that it needs to be perfect 100% of the time, just like w/ an office job or any other job it doesn't need to be perfect 100% of the time, but like all jobs, there are things that need to be done.  It's called 'work' for a reason.  It's work whether it happens at home or outside of the home.

    Miss Lily seems to have gotten the answers she was looking for in any event. 
     
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  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from beniceboston. Show beniceboston's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice:
    Well, my mother did it just fine, plus went to law school nights while she had 3 young children.  I also know of plenty of other people who did it and are doing it, including one of my good friends who has twin 3 yo boys [one of whom is autistic] and who just had a baby 2 months ago.  No, the houses aren't in perfect condition, but they also aren't a cause for concern.  I don't think they are all superhuman.  I also never said taking care of kids was easy. I said housework is easy and I stand by that.  However, I am one of those weird folks who actually enjoys housework and organizational tasks [ie, closets, drawers, etc]. I find it relaxing. I realize I am in the minority in this regard.  I have stated that I fully agree that dad should do more as far as childcare is concerned, but if you are a SAHM/W then your job includes housework. No one is saying that it needs to be perfect 100% of the time, just like w/ an office job or any other job it doesn't need to be perfect 100% of the time, but like all jobs, there are things that need to be done.  It's called 'work' for a reason.  It's work whether it happens at home or outside of the home. Miss Lily seems to have gotten the answers she was looking for in any event. 
    Posted by ALF72


    All SAHM mom's "get the job done" but that doesn't mean they enjoy it or think "hey, this is so easy easy"... Especially with 2 year old twins - you can't just leave them to play alone like you can with 1 child - they fight over toys etc  My mom had 5 kids, we're all spaced out 3-4 years apart - and she had a husband more like Misslily's DH - he never understood how hard she worked, and it really hurt their relationship.

    Oh, Misslily I went to this seminar a few months ago with my mom and it was really awesome - its about effectively communicating with people and also the effects of bad communication in a marriage, poor communication can lead to resentment, stonewalling etc - it was really inciteful and funny. https://secure.sjs.edu/sjs-bin/f.wk?sjs.dfcr.gen+EVENT=DFCR2011 
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from medfordcc. Show medfordcc's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Misslily is probably sorry she started us all off on this!

    What if we were to think of work in terms of time?  So we don't have to worry about whether child-rearing, housework, office jobs, or construction is the harder way to go.
    Then we agree with our partners that we will work pretty hard while we are "at work", either in or out of the house.  So the SAHP has a primary focus of the kids, a secondary focus of getting to take a shower, and a tertiary focus of housework/errands.  If the kids allow, they get little breaks to check e-mail or drink a cup of coffee, exactly the same way most office workers do.

    Then at the end of the day, both parents still deserve the same amount of rest time vs. chore time.  So if the work out of the house parent gets home at 6, sure, they should have a break, but that break does not last the entire evening if the SAHP has so many chores that they take until 9 PM.

    May I also recommend the best book ever about how if you help your friend with the chores, you get to picnic together instead of alone??
    http://www.amazon.com/Ginghams-Backward-Picnic-Little-Golden/dp/B000KEJJD0

    Not to ruin one of my favorite kids' books, but this makes a pretty good argument how if you help your friend with the chores, there is time left over to "picnic".
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from MM379. Show MM379's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    I think Med hit the nail on the head.  Both the work-out-of-home parent and SAHP have jobs.  Just b/c the SAHP's job is within the home, it doesn't mean that SAHP is responsible for all things home/child related 14 hours per day.  It just isn't fair for one partner to have say a 9 hr work day and then get a break and the other one to have a 14 hour work day with no break.  I am not a SAHM, but when I was off in the summers and when I speak with my SAHM friends, I get this sense that there's this pressure to give space, sleep, unwind time, etc. to the parent who works elsewhere, as though the SAHP is on permanent vacation.  Why should SAHMs fit showering into their "work day" for example and not have adequate time when the other spouse is home for such self-care?  I noticed that what would happen for my DH and I when I was off in the summers. I would get up with DS at night b/c I didn't "need" sleep, I would let DH sleep in later in the AM b/c I didn't "need" to get ready and have him watch DS.  I would handle baths, diapers, etc., at night so DH could unwind b/c I didn't "need" to.  I only associated working at my academic year job as something that "needed" stress relief and completely underestimated the amount of stress relief and balance I would need when I was a SAHM.  I came to my senses and we worked it out and have a pretty good system when working or not. 
    I don't think Miss Lily is saying that she feels things are terribly unbalanced in terms of working, chore sharing, etc., and it sounds like her DH has certain jobs/chores that he willingly handles on a regular basis.  But if this doesn't already happen in your house Miss Lily, and it may already happen, I might recommend some open discussion around pressures of each of your days, what each of you needs to unwind to feel appreciated, loved, and energized for other "activities," and how compromise may need to happen to get there.  Maybe DH is never going to want to change diapers and you're ok with that, but this type of dialogue may help him identify some other things he could be more helpful with. 
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    In-laws are gone, good visit behind us, impromptu and everything!

    Bottom line, I think sex has gotten squeezed out from the marriage and needs to be squeezed back in however it works.  

    I'm sure everything else has been discussed ad nauseum in my absence just fine so I'll leave it be, hopefully with no hard feelings.  Kiwiguy inferred things I didn't imply; however, even so, if I offended anyone (especially misslily), I apologize and hope that somewhere in these 4 pages she got the advice she needed to sort this out positively for her family.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from misslily. Show misslily's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Just thought I'd give an update.  I finished everything early last night - put on a cute nightie and got into bed.  DH took one look and we were off to the races.
    This morning he brought the kids down, changed their diapers, cleaned the cat's litter box and took off for Home Depot to get some stuff we need for a few home repairs.
    Everyone is smiling and happy this morning...including me!
    Thanks everyone
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    KissCool Woo hoo for the Lilies!!
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from luckinlife. Show luckinlife's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Great news Lily!!
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from Novembride. Show Novembride's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Woo hoo Lily and Mr. Lily!!  Hopefully this broke the ice and you guys keep it going!

     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Nice!!! :)
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice:
    Woo hoo Lily and Mr. Lily!!  Hopefully this broke the ice and you guys keep it going!
    Posted by Novembride

    Given the glow in the Lily household this morning I bet that nightie isn't going to end up shoved in the back of any drawer!
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from IPWBride. Show IPWBride's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Excellent Lily!  I need to buy this nightie... my DH does diapers but NEVER the litter box!  Well played to you both :-)

    I had written a similar post a few months back about resuming relations after baby and being so tired... (I think I titled it something like "This may be personal, but..." if you want to read those as well) so I've been watching all the responses with interest!
     
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