Way OT - DH advice

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from misslily. Show misslily's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    I think any nightie will do, but mine was a Lilly Pulitizer - gift from a girlfriend.  She had bought one for herself because she was feeling a little like she didn't do enough for her DH anymore.  It's not super sexy, but cute and much more attractive than the old t-shirt and pants I usually wear. :)
    He took out the trash this afternoon too!
    I may have to put that nightie on again tonight just to say thank you!!!
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    misslily - blame it partly on my PMSing, but I'm choked up at your rediscovering your inner sexy mama and the awesome response of your man!  I love Lily's clothes, by the way, her sundresses are so flirty and well made.  I haven't seen her nighties, but I can imagine they are very pretty and a huge turn on!  Wear it in good health and long lived connectedness and happiness!
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from lilpeanut. Show lilpeanut's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Kar, I must say....you are straight out of the 1950's....WOW. From going to a woman with math degree from BU and a well respected job to staying at home and taking care of each and every demand of your husband (making him every single meal he requests, cleaning, training your dog from puppy hood with no help, doing all of the shopping, etc) is really sad to me....

    If my husband refused to help me and then complained about no sex, I would punch him in the face.....no questions asked.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice:
    [QUOTE]Kar, I must say....you are straight out of the 1950's....WOW. From going to a woman with math degree from BU and a well respected job to staying at home and taking care of each and every demand of your husband (making him every single meal he requests, cleaning, training your dog from puppy hood with no help, doing all of the shopping, etc) is really sad to me.... If my husband refused to help me and then complained about no sex, I would punch him in the face.....no questions asked.
    Posted by lilpeanut[/QUOTE]

    Wow, way to be judgy.  It's one thing to express opinions about a topic, but to pick on another poster by name and castigate their life choices?  Really classy and nice.  
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from princess-cal. Show princess-cal's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice:
    [QUOTE]Kar, I must say....you are straight out of the 1950's....WOW. From going to a woman with math degree from BU and a well respected job to staying at home and taking care of each and every demand of your husband (making him every single meal he requests, cleaning, training your dog from puppy hood with no help, doing all of the shopping, etc) is really sad to me.... If my husband refused to help me and then complained about no sex, I would punch him in the face.....no questions asked.
    Posted by lilpeanut[/QUOTE]

    Uh, I think kar is smart enough to know what makes her and her family happy.  The fact that you would consider "punching" your DH in the face says a lot about you.  You are the one who is a sad case.

     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Dropped in to see if misslily had updated, and hello!  I'm flattered my life story is so interesting to you, lp, and sorry you're so bitter as to feel good about posting that.

    Thanks, ALF and prin-cal.  lp's attempt at an insult puts no damper on the joy in the life I've chosen to live.  No regrets here, and no comment on earth can be worse than the clinical depression and frequent debilitating migraines I got when I lived a more "respectable" life.

    Sorry for the digression, misslily.  Still thinking of you and Mr. Lily with a smile and a little blush for ya. :)
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from Novembride. Show Novembride's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Totally uncalled for lilpeanut! Both disrepectful to Kar (whose life I would LOVE to live - I went through law school saying my dream job was to be an overeducated housewife!) and disgustingly advocating domestic violence. 

     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from Lostgrouse. Show Lostgrouse's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    LP, that was way off base.  Not cool.  

    Sorry Kar that you were personally attacked in that way.  
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from clc51510. Show clc51510's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    I'll jump in quickly to say that I agree that LP was being unfair.  Kar, I'm so jealous of your lifestyle.  That's essentially my dream job but for financial reasons it wouldn't work for DH and I at this time... maybe someday!

    I thought the poster (forgive me because I forget who at this time) that suggested a way to help get the chores done quicker (e.g., laundry bins) was very helpful.  Perhaps a few more quick clean-up tips from people could help Mr and Mrs Lily get through their chores quicker so they have more personal time.  I'm not a mom so I don't have this issue yet but I'm sure others have ideas of what works for them.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    whoah
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Can you imagine if a man had made the punch-in-the-face comment about his wife?
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    This might be the greatest, most uncomfortable thread in the history of BDC.

    Obviously I have a much different relationship with my husband than misslily does with hers, but I agree with medford that being a SAHP is a job, and because it is a job it has set hours. In a marriage of equals, the SAHP hours should match up with those of the working-for-pay spouse or partner. Any chores that occur outside those hours should be divided equally to the extent possible. (You couldn't hire a nanny or housekeeper to work around-the-clock -- it's illegal.) I think it's important to view SAHP duties as a job, because to do otherwise puts divorced women -- particularly older ones -- in a situation where they are not entitled to monetary compensation from their former spouses. If a husband and wife have, together, made the decision for the wife to leave the job market in order to care for the house (and children), then they both have to be responsible for the wife's welfare if the marriage ends and she is faced with a difficult transition back into an already overwhelmed job market. "In the United States, the share of elderly women living in poverty is highest among divorced or separated women (37 percent)" http://www.prb.org/Journalists/Webcasts/2008/olderwomen.aspx.

    The problem with the archetypal 1950s housewife is that she was NOT in a marriage of equals -- and if that marriage ended, in divorce or death, she was bereft and without money, skills, or resources. I've posted this before, but Terry Hekker wrote an amazing article about her own dramatic transistion from happy housewife to cautionary tale: http://terrymartinhekker.com/newyorktimes06.html
    . I think that every woman should read this article, because it also applies to the situation we all might find ourselves in one day -- widowhood (27% of elderly women living in poverty are widows). If we as a society agree that being a SAHP is a job, then we will have more respect for the women and men who do it, and provide the necessary protections for those who choose it as a career.

    As far as the housework thing goes, I think that housework is miserable and nobody wants to do it, and that most people would rather spend two hours weaseling out of cleaning than one hour mopping the floor. I think that men are particularly adept at weaseling because they've had more training (also required reading: http://www.uic.edu/orgs/cwluherstory/CWLUArchive/polhousework.html The Politics of Housework, which shows how little has changed in the past 40 years. Sample quote: "I don't mind sharing the housework, but I don't do it very well. We should each do the things we're best at." MEANING: Unfortunately I'm no good at things like washing dishes or cooking. What I do best is a little light carpentry, changing light bulbs, moving furniture [how often do you move furniture?]).

    I don't know if my husband would volunteer to do more chores if I gave him bjs every night, but I also don't care -- bjs and housework are two totally separate matters in our house, and I'm not trading one for the other. He should do his share of housework because we are in a marriage of equals and we respect each other. If I feel that he isn't pulling his weight with the housework or child-tending, I tell him. And he does the same for me. Because the most important aspect of a relationship, in my opinion, is open and honest communication.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from ambergirl. Show ambergirl's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    I was just lurking here, but love what you wrote lemonmelon...  I was widowed at a young age with a child and it was tough going.  My income of course dropped and at one point I was working Saturday's on top of full time to make ends meet.  I made too much money to qualify for any assistance but not enough to save anything either.  If I hadn't already been working when DH died, I don't know what i would have done. 
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Thank you, my friends.  Hearing so many of you chime in against such a nasty message aimed at me was humbling and heartwarming.  Thanks, again.  
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from ambergirl. Show ambergirl's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Kar,

    Let me please say I too was appalled at the attack.  Not cool on a public forum. 
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice:
    [QUOTE]I was just lurking here, but love what you wrote lemonmelon...  I was widowed at a young age with a child and it was tough going.  My income of course dropped and at one point I was working Saturday's on top of full time to make ends meet.  I made too much money to qualify for any assistance but not enough to save anything either.  If I hadn't already been working when DH died, I don't know what i would have done. 
    Posted by ambergirl[/QUOTE]

    What an awful situation. I hope things are going well for you now.

    My father died when I was twelve and I had to start working full-time to support myself and my mother. Mom was in her early 50s and in ill health, and she hadn't worked since she married at 19. It was easier for me to find a job -- and work long hours -- than it was for her. We were incredibly poor, and it was a constant source of worry. So this is totally off topic, but everyone should have a life insurance policy. A BIG one.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Lots of things flow out of feeling deeply, intimately, completely loved, and not much generates that feeling like regular sex in marriage.  I don't think it's a t t for tat thing (no pun intended), per se, it's that when you've "made love" you've made love, and you want to show it more.  Things you might have made excuses to get out of doing, you want to do when your intimate relationship is on track.  Isn't that what the Lilies experienced the "morning after?"  The glow, the smiles, the spontaneous help around the house.  Intimacy fuels the joy in a household, and where there is joy there is more thoughtfulness when it comes to doing the less than fun things to do to keep a household going.

    Lemon, it's good to have you back!

    Ambergirl, I'm sorry you went through that.  I can't imagine.  And, thanks for adding your thoughts on the attack.

    ETA:  Lemon, how awful!  Your mom must have done a great job - you're awesome!
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from ambergirl. Show ambergirl's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Thank you lemon.  He has been gone 14 years now and DD is a wonderful grown woman.  DD was 13 and things were def a struggle, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger I always say.  I had to go to work young too as my mother was very sick with heart issues and had open heart surgery when I was 10.  Dad was a bad alcholic who barely held down a job, so I can relate big time.  There were 4 of us kids and we all worked after school and gave my mother our money and then full time after high school (no college) and gave our mother half our checks.  Poverty is something else and my DD and I couldn't afford a lot but at least it was much more than what I had as a kid.  She always had a roof and a hot meal.  And of course lots of love : )  As far as the life insurance policy, I couldn't agree more...  I have paid to bury my mother, father and brother due to that.  DH thank God had one.  Not large but enough to bury him.  You better believe I have one.

    ETA:  My apologies for going off topic
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from canukgrl. Show canukgrl's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice:
    [QUOTE]I've posted this before, but Terry Hekker wrote an amazing article about her own dramatic transistion from happy housewife to cautionary tale: http://terrymartinhekker.com/newyorktimes06.html . I think that every woman should read this article, because it also applies to the situation we all might find ourselves in one day -- widowhood (27% of elderly women living in poverty are widows). [/QUOTE]

    Didn't read it any other time you may have posted this but it's a GREAT article, very well written!  Thanks for sharing
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice : Didn't read it any other time you may have posted this but it's a GREAT article, very well written!  Thanks for sharing
    Posted by canukgrl[/QUOTE]
    I love her so much. I think she's incredibly brave.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice:
    [QUOTE]Lots of things flow out of feeling deeply, intimately, completely loved, and not much generates that feeling like regular sex in marriage.  I don't think it's a t t for tat thing (no pun intended), per se, it's that when you've "made love" you've made love , and you want to show it more.  Things you might have made excuses to get out of doing, you want to do when your intimate relationship is on track.  Isn't that what the Lilies experienced the "morning after?"  The glow, the smiles, the spontaneous help around the house.  Intimacy fuels the joy in a household, and where there is joy there is more thoughtfulness when it comes to doing the less than fun things to do to keep a household going.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]


    Sure, but part of marriage and parenting is also doing things you don't want to do when you don't want to do them. I don't have to be filled with post-coital love for my husband in order to change my daughter's diaper.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice:
    [QUOTE]Thank you lemon.  He has been gone 14 years now and DD is a wonderful grown woman.  DD was 13 and things were def a struggle, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger I always say.  I had to go to work young too as my mother was very sick with heart issues and had open heart surgery when I was 10.  Dad was a bad alcholic who barely held down a job, so I can relate big time.  There were 4 of us kids and we all worked after school and gave my mother our money and then full time after high school (no college) and gave our mother half our checks.  Poverty is something else and my DD and I couldn't afford a lot but at least it was much more than what I had as a kid.  She always had a roof and a hot meal.  And of course lots of love : )  As far as the life insurance policy, I couldn't agree more...  I have paid to bury my mother, father and brother due to that.  DH thank God had one.  Not large but enough to bury him.  You better believe I have one. ETA:  My apologies for going off topic
    Posted by ambergirl[/QUOTE]

    It sounds like you set a great example for your daughter.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from ambergirl. Show ambergirl's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Amazing article.. should be required reading for all young woman.

    In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice : I love her so much. I think she's incredibly brave.
    Posted by lemonmelon[/QUOTE]
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice : Sure, but part of marriage and parenting is also doing things you don't want to do when you don't want to do them. I don't have to be filled with post-coital love for my husband in order to change my daughter's diaper.
    Posted by lemonmelon[/QUOTE]

    Absolutely true, but don't you find that yucky things we don't want to do seem less yucky when the marriage doesn't allow sex to be totally crowded out?
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice : Absolutely true, but it's don't you find that yucky things we don't want to do seem less yucky when the marriage doesn't allow sex to be totally crowded out?
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    No. The blueberry and hot dog diaper is just as gross after a bj as it was before one.

    And I think the whole scenario is reversed anyway. I am much more likely to give my husband a bj if he just did a pile of chores. Him doing the chores would fill ME with the warm, loving glow that leads to the generous deployment of bjs. A bj given BEFORE the chores would just make him fall asleep, and then no chores would happen.

    If people only did chores when they were happy then nobody would ever be happy again because our happiness would be ruined by the chores.
     

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