Way OT - DH advice

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Oh, and the strip-dishwasher idea or the quickie-during-dinner-prep? Don't do that with kids around. I can't speak from experience, but I'm guessing DSS frowns on that sort of thing.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    I wasn't talking bjs - I'm talking marriage building, mutually gratifying, sex.  Maybe not everyone experiences this phenomenon, but when we're in a good groove in bed I wake up energized and ready to do the tasks I generally put off.  Not because I feel I owe him, but because I feel good.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Sure, everyone loves sex. Nothing like good old sexy sex to keep a marriage on track. And after a particularly vigorous bout of sexy sexing we might be extra nice to each other and make meaningful eye contact and perform small niceties, but neither of us is going to leap out of bed and start ripping through the house with the dyson. Especially not him.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    I just think that sex and chores are totally separate issues. If you combined them you would have lousy sex and shoddy housework. Or a craigslist ad.

    Those people don't really clean, by the way. They say they will but they won't.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    I'm not obsessed with bjs -- I thought for some reason we weren't allowed to say "sex" on here. Plus bjs are funnier.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    In one sense, yes, sex and chores are totally separate issues, but in another sense, a connected marriage is one in which the chore sharing happens more automatically, I think - everything is more balanced when regular sex is not left to fall off the bottom of the to-do list.  Maybe we just disagree on that.   And, yes, bjs are fun to say.  Sex is fun to do, not so much to say.  LOL!  I'm glad you explained your substitution, though!  I was wondering... ;)
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from Trouble30. Show Trouble30's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Gals, I've gone from near tears after reading about Lemon and Amber's tough childhood to laughter at Lemon's BJ comments.  This discussion is no place for a full term pregnant woman with raging hormones!

    And Kar, don't you find it more than a little disturbing that Peanut seemingly knows so much of your biography?  Ugh.  Why are so many people so mean and judgemental??
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from Novembride. Show Novembride's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Oh, and the strip-dishwasher idea or the quickie-during-dinner-prep? Don't do that with kids around. I can't speak from experience, but I'm guessing DSS frowns on that sort of thing.

    I put in a disclaimer that I don't have kids yet, so I'm off the hook for suggesting strip dishwashing.

    Its good (and hysterical) to have you back Lemon!
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Nov and Trouble, I'm right there LMAO at Lemon's dry wit - love it and we all missed her so much!!

    Trouble, I do find it odd, but her being mean and judgemental doesn't bother me.  For all her facts, she doesn't know me one bit or how things really are in our household.  And, all the kind comments that ensued from her attack made me feel really good about what you guys think of me even though I know we don't always agree on everything or see life the same way.  The overall result was positive as far as I was concerned - thanks, again, everyone!  
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from luckinlife. Show luckinlife's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Kar - I, too, am surprised at the attack.  What is up with that?  I think you handled it beautifully!

    Amber - thanks for sharing with us!  As Lemon said, what an example you are for your daughter!

    About chores - I timed myself emptying the dishwasher (a chore I asbolutley hate for unknown reasons).  It took me 2 minutes.  So, whenever I feel upset that my husband just opened the dishwasher and did not empty it, I have to keep in mind it is not worth getting upset about 2 minutes.

    I just subtract 2 minutes from the bj - :)
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Thanks, lil. :)

    Love "2 minutes here and there" - hilarious!
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice:
    [QUOTE]Gals, I've gone from near tears after reading about Lemon and Amber's tough childhood
    Posted by Trouble30[/QUOTE]
    ha ha, well it wasn't exactly Oliver Twist. It just was a lot more difficult than it would have been if the adults had made some practical plans.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice:
    [QUOTE] I timed myself emptying the dishwasher (a chore I asbolutley hate for unknown reasons).  It took me 2 minutes. 
    Posted by luckinlife[/QUOTE]
    the worst two minutes of my entire life.
    I hate unloading the dishwasher! I don't mind loading it but for some reason when I'm unloading it I feel like screaming and screaming.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from Chiclet831. Show Chiclet831's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    In Response to Re: Way OT - DH advice:
    [QUOTE]Oh, and the strip-dishwasher idea or the quickie-during-dinner-prep? Don't do that with kids around. I can't speak from experience, but I'm guessing DSS frowns on that sort of thing. I put in a disclaimer that I don't have kids yet, so I'm off the hook for suggesting strip dishwashing. Its good (and hysterical) to have you back Lemon!
    Posted by Novembride[/QUOTE]

    Ditto (to both)!  Smile
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from CT-DC. Show CT-DC's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    During one of our conversations, something very enlightening happened.  He said, "I need sex to feel connected to you."  And I said, "I need to feel connected to you before I want to have sex."  Bing!  Light bulbs.  Since then we've both had a much better idea of where the other one is coming from.

    DH and I have had this conversation, too.  I wonder if this is the fundamental difference between men & women?


    At the risk of my husband yelling at me (he HATES it when I quote Dr. Laura Berman) - this is EXACTLY WHAT SHE SAYS! And since she's a s e x and relationship therapist, she knows.

    Men have a different language of love than we do and they need ahem'ing more than we do to feel loved - we feel loved when they do something thoughtful.  Or at least, than I do now - when I was in my 20s I was a crazy fool!  But we aren't even parents and I can't remember the last time we ahem'd....  but then, I'm entering into menopause so there are issues I'm starting to deal with - I think I shall buy some astroglide and see if that helps.  I'll just DIE of embarrassment at the CVS, but I shall struggle forward!  I've been thinking of trying zestra (or is is spelled xestra?) 

    really, if you can listen from 5-7 pm (HA!) on the Oprah (I know, ick!) satellite radio channel (is it 112? 122? not sure, it's memorized on my car radio) then Dr. Berman really worth it!  her show is replayed at 11pm, but that's double HA for all of us in bed at that time - sleeping, I might add, not ahem'ing!

    She also has lots of books, you could check them out to see if you'd be interested in one.

    But she does say to schedule ahem'ing - (I liked the idea someone had of making a secret schedule so he wouldn't know) because it's hard to fit it in when you are busy.

    And, I do like the idea of you trying to give 100% with the hope that he'll start giving 100% - this is a concept of her's, too - not that you do 50% in the marriage/relationship and he does 50%, but rather that everyone does 100%.  The 50-50 thing starts devolving into "I did the dishes 3 times this week, and you only did it 2 times... that's not fair"  and "I changed the baby 3 times already today, it's your turn now" vs. just when both of you are doing your 100%, everyone is really happy, and sometimes the 100% shows up like Miss lily does all diapers and Mr. Lily does all deck building and swingset building!  (and I do all the laundry and Mr. CTDC does all taking out of trash and recycling and stuff because, well, that's just how we do it.)

    Now if I could just HIRE someone to cook for us I'd be happy. And perhaps I'd have less weight on me and I'd feel sexier and I'd feel like ahem'ing more and...  see?  I can rationalize having a cook in a wide variety of ways!  sigh... 
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Well you all must have better husbands than me because when I do 100% of the housework my husband does 0% of the housework and then I am 100% annoyed. He needs to be told what to do, when, and sometimes how.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from CT-DC. Show CT-DC's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    I don't mind unloading the dishwasher - I actually like to put the clean dishes away, stacked up, blah blah.

    But vacuum?!?!?!?!  Oh, the horror! I do just want to scream and scream and push that @&#*$ vacuum around with a violence that is horrible to behold!

    We've gone to the dark place and we now have cleaners who come and clean our house every other week.   I do feel a bit embarrassed that I'm asking someone to do something I HATE AND DEPLORE in MY HOME just so I don't have to. 

    But honestly, I don't hate dusting, putting dishes in the dishwasher, taking them out, doing laundry, cleaning bathrooms, or putting the laundry away (actually, I kinda hate doing that, which means it sits in the laundry baskets for a few days until I realize the cat was sleeping in said clean laundry, whereupon I put the laundry away).

    so why do I HATE HATE HATE vacuuming so much????

    I need a 10 step group for vacuuming.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Do you have a dyson? I hated vacuuming until I got a dyson. It's incredibly satisfying, like mowing the lawn. It's incredibly thorough. If I vacuum the upstairs, all the furniture downstairs gets pulled up and sticks to the ceiling.

    I like doing the yard work. Unfortunately, my husband knows that I enjoy it, so he counts it as my "me" time and not chore time. I think that's unfair. And in order to keep it unfair, he pretends to hate cooking dinner even though he sings to himself and smiles while doing it. He's sly, that one.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from misslily. Show misslily's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Well - as an update I can say that there has been a huge change in the Lily household since I put on that nightie a few nights ago. We got a "Sunday nap" in too this week.
    All of a sudden DH is much less grumpy and chores are being done unbidden.  Turns out what he wanted was to feel loved - especially by having me initiate. So my new plan is for the 'secret schedule' (thanks ML2620!).
    I'm happier - he's happier and life is pretty great over here these days.

    CT-DC - I feel your pain.  I'm in my 40's and I think part of my problem was/is hormonal.  My BFF called the other day and said "I love my DH, but I just don't feel like doing it...ever."

    I agree with Lemon - get a Dyson if you hate to vacuum.  It changed my life as far as the dreaded vacuuming goes.
    And my other new favorite thing is non-stick foil.  Put that stuff down and there is no messy pan to scrub at the end of the night.
    And the cleaning ladies are a must.  Mine come every other week too.  And I don't feel bad about it at all.  I'm super busy with two year old twins and they need a job.  So I'm happy to employ them to keep this place from devolving into chaos - and give me a break once in a while.

     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from Novembride. Show Novembride's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Woo hoo for cleaning ladies.  Hiring them saved my sanity! 

     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Way OT - DH advice

    Misslily, thanks for the update.  I'm so happy for you and Mr. Lily!  And, your kids, too - they are picking up on the positive vibe, and one day they'll understand and appreciate the intimacy between mom and dad and the peace and harmony it infused into their family.  Kids learn what they live, and they are learning what a great marriage looks like.  So, not only are you giving yourselves the gift of each other which has immediate benefits, you're building an ever stronger marriage by reestablishing a habit of intimacy, and you're setting your kids up to emulate this model of marriage.  This is exceptional news every way you look at it, and I'm thrilled for you!
     
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