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Working Moms (warning - long post)

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from capecod1818. Show capecod1818's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    Oh Poppy feel for you.  I went through the same thing a while back.  My parent's were watching DS twice a week and then I had a nanny watching him 3 times a week.  I definitely went through the jealous stage with the my nanny who I felt got to see him just as much as I did during the week but that eventually passed.  I realized that I was lucky to have such a wonderful woman watching him when couldn't and there was just one more person that loved DS.  I think the jealousy phase will eventually pass for you.  You just have to give it time.

    As for your friends - not sure what they were thinking (apparently they really weren't) when they were emailing back and forth.  I would just say that a lot of people think the grass is always greener on the other side.  I have a number of stay at home friends who have told me numerous times that they wish to be working again.  I know that I couldn't stay at home but I feel like there is always a struggle for every mom to find the right balance of home/kids and career or whatever makes you feel complete. 

    Good luck and know that you are definitely not alone.
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from Daisy75. Show Daisy75's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    Eva--my MIL is constantly posting photos of my kids on her FB "wall" though she's never posted them as her profile pic (that would irritate me, too).  She even posted a pic of our kitchen with a comment about how she misses cooking in it (she lives in CO, and completely takes over the cooking etc. when she visits--and not in a good way).  All of this was weird, but I just rolled my eyes and got on with my day.  THEN, one day I was  venting to a friend about how stupid it was that this annoys me, the friend told me that my MIL's FB page had NO security settings on it and that anyone could see it.  I was on the phone to DH immediately.  He was also blindsided by this info and also freaked out about it and called his mother immediately to walk her through the security settings on FB.  She was shocked about all of this, and to her credit, she recognized why this was a problem and immediately took down all the pics she had posted even though it was overkill once the security settings were adjusted per DH's instructions ( sentence, anyone?).  She still posts pics on occasion, but I can tell she's much more selective now.

    So...just something you might want to check into if relatives are sharing your personal info or posting links to your photo websites, etc.
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from LLTyrrell. Show LLTyrrell's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    These postings have given me such comfort! Yesterday was my first day back to work and when I picked DD up from in home day care I was almost dissapointed that my 3 month old didn't smile at the sight of me. (Wishful thinking...) I spent the next 3 hours holding her while she slept and crying because I didn't want to be away from her. All these postings have given me much needed perspective as I didn't realize why I had gotten so resentful of my husband and his work schedule or the fact that he had time to go to the gym and hang with his co-workers while I was "stuck" at home with DD. As someone else mentioned, yesterday I didn't even notice he wasn't home because I was so wrapped up in soaking in precious moments with DD. I feel a weight lifted by realizing that going to work is the best thing for my family. Thank you Poppy for posting this and to all others for sharing loads of valuable insight!
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from fakinbacon. Show fakinbacon's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    Hi Poppy,

    I don't have any children yet myself, but I wanted to chime in as the daughter of a working mom. 

    My mother is one of the most successful, accomplished, beautiful, graceful, and wonderful women in the world.  Both my sister and myself look up to her in awe, and I know part of this was because she was able to work through our childhoods.  Yes, I look at it as a benefit - she was able to learn and achieve, thus feel better about herself, which helped to make her the best mom possible to us.

    Did she stay home with us when we were sick?  Not always.  Did she miss sporting events?  Sometimes.  Did she have days where she missed dinner, and had to get out early before breakfast the next morning?  Yes.  (Thanks to my dad for all of his help too).

    But, was she there for my high school graduation?  Absolutely.  My sister's?  Yes she was.  How about both of our bachelor degrees?  She was there for those graduations too, as well as the ups and downs of living away from home in college.  My mom could be heard helping us cope with whatever, even if over the phone after we were done with our classes, and her work - late at night, but she could always be counted on.  Oh yes, and now we both have masters degrees too, and she was also there for us every step of the way.

    My point is, we were no worse for the wear.  We are both successful and driven women, thanks to her help.  And just because she had certain schedules, didn't mean we didn't get the time and love we needed.  It was just more planned, more of a routine.

    What I remember most about her working during our childhoods was when I got to see her; on weekends, during vacations (they always seemed magical, we looked forward to the whole family being together for 8 or 16 days straight!), and those special moments after long days away from each other. 

    I loved then and love now my mother SO much for everything she is.  When I have management questions today, I ask my mom, because she knows, she has experience.  When I need help working on how to discuss a situation, write an email, update a resume, or be the interviewer for a position, I ask my mom.

    Can a stay at home mom do this any better (or worse)?  Not necessarily, she'll just do it differently. 

    Finally, when I need a recipe for a really easy to prepare, and fast but delicious and healthy meal because I have been at work for a long busy day, or week, and want to make at least a little something nice for my fiance and myself for dinner...I ask my mom.
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from GC1016. Show GC1016's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    Like Lost Grouse, I eagerly look forward to Cleaning Lady Day, a biweekly holiday in the GC household.  As I explained to DH, she's a lot cheaper than marital counseling.  ;)  Mostly kidding. 

    I have more to add, but am juggling about a gazillion things today, realize we're out of diapers (yay) and I have to pick-up at daycare and juggle a conference call.  So, it's Wednesday.  But I do want to say, I'm super-encouraged that we're on Page Three and the posts are all respectful and helpful.  Although BDC linked to this thread on the main Moms page, so I'm looking forward to a crush of trolls.  But it's been fun, reassuring and helpful while it lasted. 

  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    I don't know if you've sent your email yet, but just a word to the wise, anyone not happy for me for leaving my career to be a SAHW didn't change their minds after I answered their sarcastic, "What's the POINT if you don't have KIDS??" with a litany of reasons we chose that for our household.  After awhile I learned to shrug it off and not bother explaining myself.  Whatever you do, do NOT expect them to respond, "Oh, you're right, we weren't respecting your choice, but we will, now.  Thank you for opening our eyes to our insensitivity.  Can you possibly forgive us?"  They won't.  Chances are they'll get defensive, you'll get more defensive, and the friendships will bear the burden of awkwardness.
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from evavase. Show evavase's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    Oh Daisy!  I didn't even think of that.  Her profile is public!  I think DH will get defensive if I bring it up.  :(  

    BTW these aren't even pictures she's taken.  She copies them from my FB photo albums and reposts them on her wall and profile!  So weird!
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from Daisy75. Show Daisy75's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    In Response to Re: Working Moms (warning - long post):
    BTW these aren't even pictures she's taken.  She copies them from my FB photo albums and reposts them on her wall and profile!  So weird!
    Posted by evavase

    Yeah, that's what my MIL was doing, too.  We gutted our kitchen shortly after we moved in and DH had put some before and after shots in his FB photos...and then, like over a year later, MIL posted one of them with the missing cooking in it comment.  And I think 90% of the pics of the kids she posts are re-posts from DH's albums.

    Putting YOUR child's photo as her profile pic is one thing (a "w t f?" thing to be sure), and I'd be irritated with it, but that wouldn't bother me in a privacy and security kind of way.  My MIL's entire profile was public to anyone in the world who happened to come across it.  She was posting pics of our house--inside and out, some of which had the street number visible, our kids, many references to Boston and occasional references to the town we live in, etc. and that was not ok with us.  Since DH talked to her and helped her change the settings, she's been much better about it.  Only her "friends" can see her profile now and although I don't know all of them, I feel much more comfortable that now it's limited to 100 or so people--most of whom are family--seeing it.  I think if your family/in-laws are posting pics of your kids for the entire world to see, you have a right to say something.  And if they refuse to change the behavior, you can unfriend them, and too bad if they don't like it.  I'm not an overly-paranoid person, but I was really freaked out about the amount of MY personal info my MIL was putting out there.

  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from dz76. Show dz76's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    When I went back to work after my 2.5 y/o was born, DD did 2 days a week with Pa (my dad) and 3 days a week with my in-laws.  I struggled with jealous for quite a while even over super silly things like my in laws giving her a popsicle before I did (can you tell I'm still a little bitter over the popsicle thing :-).  But I kept reminding myself that if DD had to be with someone else (which she does), it was better that she was with someone who loved her as much as I do. 

    It has gotten easier and when I was pregnant with my twins last summer I was so thankful that DD had so many people in her life who wanted to do things like take her to the park or go to the zoo (which I don't recommend trying 6 month pregnant with twins. in June).  There have been the occasional minor issues over handling things my way but once I've firmly told them what I want to happen, my MIL does what I've told her. 

    I also know myself enough to know that I do not want to be a SAHM (props to those who do/are).  I do not have the patience for it and my kids would not love me more if I was home all the time with them.  My DD has NEVER been confused by who were her parent/in charge even though we spend a lot of time around my in laws. I get running hugs for DD (most of the time) and big smiles from DS and DD at drop-off at night. So they may not miss me during the day (and I wouldn't want them to be pining for me) but they are happy to see me at night.

  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from SarahInActon. Show SarahInActon's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    I've mainly skimmed these posts (rough day at work, ha) and here's my comment to add to the fray.

    The one thing that really helped ease that desperate pain of being without my little baby while I was at work was the fact that we bed shared/co-slept.  I got to spend the entire night snuggling next to him and it made up for a lot.
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    In Response to Re: Working Moms (warning - long post):
    So they may not miss me during the day (and I wouldn't want them to be pining for me) but they are happy to see me at night.
    Posted by dz76

    It's the opposite for me -- my daughter clings to me in the morning and says, "No work mommy. I MISSED you." But when I come to pick her up after work she runs screaming from me and says she wants to stay at her sitter's house. Sigh.
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from ml2620-2. Show ml2620-2's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    I don't have time to post a real email, I seriously just want to say I love you all!
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    we love you too, ML!
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    What exactly does a bi-weekly cleaning lady accomplish? I ask this in all seriousness because I might consider hiring one if there's a point to it. But I worry that we'd need a live-in cleaning lady to really make a dent, since the maker of messes is on call every day.
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from JACON. Show JACON's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    I haven't had a chance to read all the posts or make any comments except this: I couldn't agree more about hiring a cleaning person.

    Lemon, to answer your question, here are the things I no longer do: vacuum, dust, clean the shower or toilet (well sometimes this needs to be done before the next visit), mop floors. Granted, maybe these things should be done more than once every other week but I have to pick my battles. I can't do it all. On the weekends I no longer worry about cleaning. I do still have to do laundry and dishes and generally keep the house picked up but I really feel like I have more time to spend with DS and DH and our dogs. 2 cleaning people for 2 hours every other week costs us $100 and I can honestly say it is some of the best money I've ever spent. HTH.
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from luckinlife. Show luckinlife's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    Jacon - I am going to have my husband read your post.  We usually have a pretty clean house - mostly because it is fairly empty but I just can't get to the baseboards, mopping, shower as much as I would like to .  He keeps saying that he is going to pick up the slack - can't say that I see that happening.  $100 every two weeks sounds like a bargain!
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from luckinlife. Show luckinlife's posts

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    Oh and Lemon - I saw your pix.  Adorable.  How much would she charge every 2 weeks?  Does she do windows?
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from JACON. Show JACON's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    Luck, My DH is very helpful (when given direction) but he didn't want to be cleaning either. I think the big selling point for him was that he saw how stressed out I was when the house was dirty and we had to "waste" x number of weekend hours cleaning. And when I'm stressed that ends up trickling down to him. In our house the equation is clean house = happy mommy = happy everyone else.
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from KMMZ1012. Show KMMZ1012's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    One of my very dearest friends is no longer that because she chose to judge me for going back to work after DS was born.  I had a hard time getting pregnant and she could not fathom why I would go back to work after he was born since I had waited so long for him.  Nothing I said could satisfy her, so while we're still friends, we're not close any more.

    I went back to work because I am better mom for it.  Truly.  It makes me appreciate every single minute I spend with DS - even the godawful tantrums he's been throwing as we begin the descent into the terrible twos.  I also needed my job for financial reasons, but I went back to work because I knew being with him 24/7 would end up with both of us frazzled and neurotic (well, me more so than usual).

    I loved the time I had on my maternity leave, but I noticed as the weeks went on that as it crept closer to six (DH's arrival time home) I would become increasingly antsier.  If he called to tell me he was late, I would have a complete breakdown into hysterics.  I realize I'm breaking no new ground here, but it's so nice to know I wasn't the only person who felt this way.

    My mom took care of DS a couple days a week until we could get him full time into daycare and I'm grateful for that because they have a wonderful relationship (even if I was a little jealous of all that time they had together, and even if I did sometimes feel like she was biting her tongue so she wouldn't tell me what I was doing "wrong" with her grandson).  He goes full time to a center that's wonderful and has done AMAZING things with him that I don't think I could have.

    I think it sucks the way some moms get down on other moms - whether it's about formula or going back to work or organic foods or even carseat choices.  We're hard enough on ourselves; we don't need other people to pile it up.
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    I know quite a few mothers who happen to be engineers, some part time, some full time.  They all love their kids, and I'm fairly sure that the ones I know could swing staying home financially speaking, but I remember 3 of them saying that they work to get away from the home and if they didn't they'd end up resentful very quickly of being "stuck" at home all day, every day.  They get a lot of personal life satisfaction by continuing to use their educations, bringing in money, and feeling useful by someone who pays them for their non-mothering talents.

    How anyone can say they are wrong for that, I don't know.
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from canukgrl. Show canukgrl's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    I'm a full time working engineer and a full time mom and it can be done!  I love this post and value all you also, sometimes just knowing you're not alone in something makes it much better!

    I just wanted to comment on the MIL-FB stuff... my IL's are not even net-enabled, so it's not an issue, but my parents are online all the time... if it was your own parents posting/reporting the stuff would it be the same issue?  Now, I had harsh words with my dad early in his facebook days for posting too many details (really Dad, a photo of the invite to DD's christening, including, time, date, address, phone number...!) and he's much better now, so I get the issue with too many identifying details, but what is the harm in MIL loving your kitchen (which is how I interperted why she posted it... she likes your reno and/or being at your house, cooking)  Just an alternative perspective. 

    I also don't have anyone "claiming" my kids on the web, but I get how that would be annoying
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from kiwigal. Show kiwigal's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    canuk, I appreciate your perspective on the FB stuff. I totally get not wanting to put any really identifying details on FB (yikes...the whole invitation?). But, my brother routinely has pictures of DS as his profile pic and has a little shrine to DS in his office (in NYC). (Seriously, we stopped by his office on a road trip and my brother couldn't wait to get to the lobby and whisk DS off to the office to be able to show him off to all his friends.) DH and I both love that he's so attached and so smitten with his nephew. I guess I understand the idea that DS is definitely "our" son, but we also feel strongly that he "belongs" to everyone in the family...he's my brother's only nephew, my father's only grandson, the apple of his cousins' eyes in New Zealand who post pics of him on their FB profile because they are sad they haven't had the chance yet to meet him in person. Anyway, this is my long-winded way of saying maybe it's healthy to look at the FB stuff as a expression of real love and affection (maybe overzealous, at times?) That's how DH and I try to view it, at least.
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from aidansmama. Show aidansmama's posts

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    In Response to Working Moms (warning - long post):
    I'm having sort of a tough time, and not even sure if I'm looking for advice, or just to vent. I've been back at work for about a month and while I enjoy my job, I just feel sad about the amount of time per week I am not with DD (she’s 4 months).  I have it VERY lucky in that my mom and my MIL (mostly my MIL) take care of DD while I am at work, so we're not doing daycare right now.  However, as much as I hate to confess to this, I have a lot of jealousy toward MIL that she gets to spend so much time with DD.  I even cringe when she calls her "my girl".  I know that probably sounds horrible but there it is. Then there are my friends.  All of my close girlfriends have kids, and some of them even have infants.   Recently, one of them with an infant decided to resign from her job (so I’m now the only working mom of an infant).   This has resulted in many group emails going back and forth about how money is not so important that you should let it take you away from raising your child, how motherhood is a full-time job in and of itself, how you cannot raise your child right while working full time, etc., etc.   These are independent, intelligent, once-career-driven women and I have to say I was very surprised to read these things coming from them.   I am feeling extremely hurt but don’t want to respond right now because of the way I’m feeling.   I don’t want to alienate my closest friends, but at the same time I’m starting to feel rather alone considering my different circumstances.   For any of you who are dealing/have dealt with this (specifically when your child is/was an infant), what are/were your strategies for dealing with your feelings about it (if you weren’t thrilled about it) and also perhaps dealing with how to relate to others, especially close friends, who might have the above opinions?   I guess I’m looking for some solidarity here from those of you who can understand what I’ve written above. (And ok I guess I am partially looking for advice also…)   Also, if anyone knows of any working moms groups in the Somerville/Cambridge/Medford/Melrose area, I would love the info.   Thanks.
    Posted by poppy609

    Its very easy for someone who has more than enough money to say that it's not that important and you can't raise your child right while working.  The simple reality is that money IS imporant if you want to keep a roof over your child's head and prepare financially for thier future.  There are very few people out there (I think your group is an exception) who can afford to have children and have mom stay at home these days.  Of course, I would think that most mothers would prefer to be at home to raise their children, myself included, but its not realistic for many families.  Your friends should worry about alienating YOU, not the other way around.  You are very lucky to have you MIL and Mom to help at home and you should trust that this is a fortunate arrangement for your daughter - she'll develop great relationships with both ladies and that's something not every child gets a change to do!  Sidebar: I totally HATE it when my MIL calls my son "Nana's Boy".  He's MY boy lady!!! Anyhow, know that you're not alone - there are many working mamas out there all going through the same thing.  And there's this: you're teaching your daughter that having a work ethic is important and you're setting a good example for her in your absence.  I've been back to work for 3 months now and though I miss my son as much today as I did on day 1, it's getting a little easier to leave.  You just get used to the routine I guess.  Also, your previously career-driven friends saying what they have been about working moms also may be a coping mechanism for dealing with them missing the working world.  Just a thought....
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from Daisy75. Show Daisy75's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    Canuk--eek! about the invitation.  I think the lack of discretion in posting certain info on places like FB is something that lots of people in our parents' generation go through. 

    My MIL also once posted something on my FB wall about how her IBS had flared up over the weekend and she spent most of the time running to the bathroom.  Uh, yeah...I and all of my "friends" wanted to know about that....  Since my DH spoke with MIL about the privacy settings on FB (and the issue was more that she didn't have any privacy settings set up on her acct. than the actual posting of pictures), she's been a lot better.  She still posts pics of the kids and that doesn't bother me as much now that I know the people who are seeing them is somewhat controlled.  She's also stopped posting as many of our personal details, which I suspect DH talked to her about as well (he called her from work, so I wasn't able to eavesdrop).  The kitchen pic thing I just thought was weird regardless of her motivation.  If she likes cooking in our kitchen, great...can't she just say that w/o posting a pic for the entire world to see?  Part of it is that I'm a somewhat private person, so her posting pics of our house from DH's albums just feels really intrusive to me.  And then underneath it all is that she gets on my nerves very easily.  I'm very introverted, quiet, and like my personal space.  She is very extroverted, never stops talking (seriously--I'm not exaggerating--DH and BIL have to yell at her to stop talking in order to get a word in edgewise) and is constantly invading my personal space and asking intrusive questions.   So...the pic wasn't a big deal in and of itself, it was all the underlying things that go along with it on top of posting the pic.

  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from canukgrl. Show canukgrl's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    Daisy, makes total sense... I actually figured there may be a little more to the MIL issue than just the pictures :)  Regardless, glad things seem to be more or less ok, at least with regard to FB

    Another, more general thing I was thinking about was that even if you don't get along great with your parents or in-laws, what a blessing it is to have them at least somewhat nearby.  My in-laws are 6 hours away, my parents are 14 hours away... both DH and I grew up seeing our grandparents, on both sides, at least weekly (Him even more than that) and it makes me sad to think that my kids are never going to know either of our parents in that way... sure we do video calls with my parents, but it's not the same as a hug and sneaking them a treat...

    I ABSOLUTELY don't advocate for sneaking the kids treats if they are regular caretakers, but I let my mom and mil spoil the kids a little since they don't see them often - both g'mas have actually been pretty respectful about it (maybe as a result?  I dunno, the time together is too short)  Though I shudder to think what would happen if either of them were caretakers for us... my mom more than my mil actually... when DD was about 2.5 they told me about the butterscotch Sundae they "gave" her (I think in reality shared with her) when they watched her my second week back to work... I was furious, but what could I do, it was 2+ years furious, and thankfully she didn't have any nut allergies...

    Hmm maybe not helping her, but I guess I just wish we had grandparents nearby