Working Moms (warning - long post)

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Working Moms (warning - long post)

    I'm having sort of a tough time, and not even sure if I'm looking for advice, or just to vent.

    I've been back at work for about a month and while I enjoy my job, I just feel sad about the amount of time per week I am not with DD (she’s 4 months).  I have it VERY lucky in that my mom and my MIL (mostly my MIL) take care of DD while I am at work, so we're not doing daycare right now.  However, as much as I hate to confess to this, I have a lot of jealousy toward MIL that she gets to spend so much time with DD.  I even cringe when she calls her "my girl".  I know that probably sounds horrible but there it is.

    Then there are my friends.  All of my close girlfriends have kids, and some of them even have infants.  Recently, one of them with an infant decided to resign from her job (so I’m now the only working mom of an infant).  This has resulted in many group emails going back and forth about how money is not so important that you should let it take you away from raising your child, how motherhood is a full-time job in and of itself, how you cannot raise your child right while working full time, etc., etc.  These are independent, intelligent, once-career-driven women and I have to say I was very surprised to read these things coming from them.  I am feeling extremely hurt but don’t want to respond right now because of the way I’m feeling.  I don’t want to alienate my closest friends, but at the same time I’m starting to feel rather alone considering my different circumstances.

     

    For any of you who are dealing/have dealt with this (specifically when your child is/was an infant), what are/were your strategies for dealing with your feelings about it (if you weren’t thrilled about it) and also perhaps dealing with how to relate to others, especially close friends, who might have the above opinions?

     

    I guess I’m looking for some solidarity here from those of you who can understand what I’ve written above. (And ok I guess I am partially looking for advice also…)

     

    Also, if anyone knows of any working moms groups in the Somerville/Cambridge/Medford/Melrose area, I would love the info.

     

    Thanks.

     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from Lostgrouse. Show Lostgrouse's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    Hi Poppy!  I feel your pain.  It's hard and I have some friends who stay at home and some who work.  I run regularly with another working mom and that helps us deal with it all together.  Unfortunately there aren't many support groups for working moms that I know of, but there are a lot of working moms out there.  I have daycare for my kids so I can't attest to the jealousy issue about your mom and MIL watching your baby but I can see where that would rub me the wrong way after a little bit of time.  I'll write more later since I have a lot of work to do today, but just know that you're not alone!
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    Poppy, I know how you feel. I too will write more when I have time, but I'm at work! so I can't elaborate right now.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    Everyone's circumstances are different, and there will always be people who judge you for living your life whether it comes to motherhood, career, how you wear your hair, what car you drive, if you use the china you registered for enough, and everything else you can think of.  Even people who act as if they are friends, sadly, do this to each other.  Of course, there are better friends than others - there are people who never judge you, but they aren't "regular" friends, they are the rare breed of true friends that if you have one or two of you're blessed.  Those ex-coworkers are not in that category it seems; true friends don't belittle each other for any reason.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from Trouble30. Show Trouble30's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    OMG I would love a working moms group!  Something that meets on weekends, right?  I know Isis has one in Needham but that's Thursday nights and not really feasible for me.  It might be for you though.

    I have to admit I feel a bit of jealousy towards SAHMs, but at the same time, I love being able to get out and continue with me life too, and not just be a mom.  Yes, it is like having 2 full time jobs.  Yes, it is exhausting.  Yes, I miss my little girl.  But for me, it's all worth it.

    I am surprised that all your friends are able to stay at home!  It's pretty unusual for the Boston area isn't it?  It also sounds like they are pretty defensive about it from what you say.  I doubt they realize that they are being hurtful, but I'm sure that doesn't make it hurt any less. 

    It definitely gets a little easier as they get older, at least that's my experience.  And definitely count yourself very lucky that you have family close by to help!  I think I'm more jealous of that than SAHMs!

    So there are my random thoughts about working moms!
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALS76. Show ALS76's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    I don't have much advice - but wanted to offer up my support in that I'm a working mom too and I can definitely relate to how hard it is to be away from my baby for so long everyday.  My FIL watches her right now and eventually she'll be in day care (probably by the summer).  I completely agree that it is a constant battle of emotions - I'm so lucky that she is getting to bond with her grandpa, but I wish it was me!  I love it when she smiles her big smiles at him because I know that means she is so happy with him - but I better get just as big of a smile when I see her at the end of the day or I'm heartbroken!  I at least wish I could be with her a little more each day, because it is true that during the week we don't really get much "awake" time with her.  I also battle with the fact that I feel like I don't (and can't) be 100% at anything anymore.  I feel like I do a partial job in every aspect - wife, mother, and at work. 

    I've been back at work since October and I will say that things are better now than they were then.  We are constantly improving and perfecting the routine and I can only hope it will continue. 

    Hang in there!  Just know that there are a LOT of us out there who feel the same way and understand how hard it is to be a working mom.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    No one probably cares b/c I don't have kids, but I  think the group emails may be more about a bunch of women in the same situation trying to justify their decision to quit their jobs and stay home.  There is no need to justify one's decision to stay home, or one's decision to work.  The various decisions were made for various reasons and they are what they are.  I find it funny that only women feel this way - you don't see men justifying their decisions to continue working rather than stay home and be FT dad.  Parenting is a full time job - whether you also do work that brings home a pay check in addition to parenting does not mean that you are doing a bad job as a parent - it just means that you need to do that as well to be a good parent.

    Can't speak to any of hte other issues.  I just wanted to tell you that your friends probably don't have any intention of making you feel bad or that they are making veiled comments about your choice to continue working.  HTH!
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from KT75. Show KT75's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    I have a good amount of friends that are stay at home mom's and it can be hard to deal with.  I don't want to be made to feel (or maybe I feel it myself from guilt) that our family decision for me to work is not the right one for our family.  Anytime the conversation is directed towards me the answer is flat out we can't afford it and that DH and I make the best decisions for our family.  That second part normally shuts people up.  If I'm going to be perfectly honest, I don't mind work 2 days a week - its the commute and the other days that are horrible.  I was able to work for a year at 4 days a week and that was really nice.  The $$ was not an issue and it was great to have a special day a week with DD.  When I had to go back 5 days a week I was already pregnant with #2 and knew there was a FT end in site.

    I get SO upset that most activities are during the daytime on a weekday - I feel like DD is missing out on activities.  I also tend to shy away from Mom groups because I feel like everyone is a stay at home mom and judging me for working. 

    I don't want to upset you but I things got a little harder for me before they got easier.  I went back to work after DD was born in Oct and things were okay, then in Feb I had a total meltdown.  Just figuring out how to manage and balance everything.  Now that I have found a balance that works for us (although I'm sure DH would like more or better home cooked meals) I did lose a couple friends along the way due to my balance not meeting theirs, I sort of just brush it off that our lives are too far apart right now.

    Also, regarding $$ not being an issue, to me it is.  I don't want to sell our house for me to stay home.  Give up the equity in our house, face reality that it would be very difficult to buy another house from scratch, etc.  I'm not saying by any means that I'm not more than happy to make sacrifices.  I think that is the difficult thing when SAHM's say that they "just make it work".

    Sorry if this rambled!
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from amy-lynn. Show amy-lynn's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    poppy - I can totally relate to the sadness and lonliness. I don't have many friends with kids, only one other who has a toddler 6 months younger than DD, and she also works. But I was so unhappy when I first returned to work. It took a long time for me to get to a place where I was OK with being away all day. Especially when you are still getting up multiple times at night, and just when you think you have a routine, something changes and it all goes to heck again, but you have an impotant thing at work to do, so you can't just call in sick and sleep in.
    I still have moments of self doubt, and wish I was independently wealthy, so I could stay home. But I also enjoy my job. I think if you are also really not thrilled with your job, it becomes even more of a challenge to work. I'm sorry that you have friends who make you feel worse about working, even unintentionally.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from GC1016. Show GC1016's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    Ah, yes, the self-congratulatory group e-mails.  I'm familiar, although my group of friends goes in more for the frequent FB status update, regaling me with the glories of their SAH Day.  And they make me jealous, although I don't really care how clean your floors are (true story). 

    But I'm probably just as guilty, as I can write a tome on the merits of working moms (especially moms of daughters) but it boils down to what works for your family.  Poppy, I'm sorry that I don't remember how young/old you are, but I find that this is a common issue for my friends/moms who have babies into their 30's.  You have achieved, hopefully, a bit more career success and have a job you can't/don't want to walk away from, there are financial constraints, etc ...

    I agree with Alf -- there's guilt on BOTH sides of the fence.  Working moms feel the strain of always being in the wrong place -- either at work when they want/need to be at home with the baby, or at home with a sick kiddo when they want/need to be at work.  And I'm guessing, although I don't want to assume, that there's some guilt about opting out of the career to stay-at-home.  If you've spent the last decade or so working and being validated outside the home, it's got to be hard to make a switch and find that your "boss" is a tyrant, doesn't appreciate you, throws food at you, calls you names, expects you to work nights and weekends and is prone to emotional outbursts.  There's no HR group or union, and -- PS -- you no longer get paid. 

    That's my take on it anyway.  How do I deal with it, though?  I remind myself that this is a short-term investment in my family's long-termfuture, both emotionally and financially.  I think it's important for my daughter to see that Mommy has a job outside the house, has lots to talk about at the end of the day, and she gets to see her parents making joint financial decisions.  Not that being stay-at-home precludes any of that, but that's one of the things I console myself with on tough days.  Elementary school will be here before you know it, and it can be really hard to reenter the workforce after solid time away. 

    The fact that I work has also made my marriage stronger, I feel.  There's no way I could work FT and shoulder 100% of the Parenting, too.  So my husband and I talk about a LOT of things, from the big to the horribly mundane and I think we're better for it.  When I was home, or even on days I take off b/c daycare is closed, I notice a slight-shift in how the morning transpires and I wind up with more of the House Stuff on my plate.  I don't mind b/c I'm NOT trying to get out the door, but over time that might really start to bug me. 

    And, lastly, and I'm sorry this is so long -- we do a split between family-provided and an in-home daycare.  My in-laws were taking her one day a week and it was great, but I had the SAME resentment bubbling with the possessive's being thrown around re: DD.  Almost all my friends who have family taking care of their babies, especially in-laws, report the same feelings.  I found that my feelings about work/daycare improved DRAMATICALLY when my in-laws had to stop watching DD that day and I upped the daycare days.  Yes, it hurt $$$-wise, but there's something to be said for making the childcare a business rather than a familial arrangement. 

    Anyway, that's what I think.  I have lots of guilt over so many parts of being a mommy, but the fact that I work isn't what keeps me up nights. 
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from GC1016. Show GC1016's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    PS -- I'm finding that I'm meeting other working moms through DD's daycare, which is insanely unhelpful to you, I realize, but I wanted to put it out there.  I get pathetically excited about any meet-ups, and may have caught myself shaving my legs in preperation for a Moms Night Out last week, which is weird and sad.  So, yes, I totally get the feeling of isolation.  It's doubly-tough b/c on weekends or evenings when I would normally schedule Friend Time, I want Family Time. 
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from beniceboston. Show beniceboston's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    Poppy, I'd just like to say that being a SAHM now - it's not all it's cracked up to be... it's actually pretty boring and exhausting and frustrating... so if you enjoy your job - definitely keep working.

    The things they are saying in those emails are point-blank insensitive, if they want to gush about how wonderful it is to be a SAHM, they should write a blog that no one has to read.

    All those baby/mommy/daddy classes that they probably go to are really not to enrich the lives of the children but an excuse for the parents to get out of the house because they're bored out of their minds! :)

    The most important thing is to be there for your child emotionally & support her development as she becomes an adult...and SAHMs can't do that any better than working moms can.  For now I would suggest coming up with some ideas of places you'd like to take your LO when she gets a bit older (in a mere month or two!) - a trip to the aquarium, a farm etc... places that your mother & MIL won't be taking her... those will be great memories and fun things to do until DD gets older and will make these rough months of her being an infant and you wishing you were with her, more memorable and special.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from ambergirl. Show ambergirl's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    I have to put my 2 cents in even though my DD is now grown.  I was a working mom and cannot believe 27 years later, there is still judgement.  My DD has grown up to be a terrific woman who was also raised halfway by a single parent, me, when she was 13. Hang in there, you are doing what is best for your family and ignore if you can (it is hard) the insensitivity of other people. Sometimes women are their own worse enemy. 

    There is no way to be a perfect mother, and a million ways to be a good one” - Jill Churchill
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from katel. Show katel's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    Hi Poppy (and everyone else!). I do not have children, so please take what I say with a grain of salt, but I am a practicing therapist and have a TON of clients who have these same feelings...some about working outside of the home vs. sahm, some about staying in the city vs. moving out, about getting married vs. staying dating, about hospitalizing a loved one vs. managing at home...etc. etc. etc...

    What others have said is true. There will ALWAYS be things to feel not so great about. There will ALWAYS be things that you wish you could do differently. And you will ALWAYS feel emotions sometimes that aren't completely comfortable for you. You aren't a terrible person for feeling jealous. In fact, you're quite normal and self-aware, and I give you a ton of credit for being able to acknowledge that. Acknowleding it won't make it go away on it's own, but being able to name it takes soem of the power away from the not-so-plesant emotion. Don't attach judgement to the emotion, if you can help it. Jealousy isn't that fun to feel in the first place. Don't make yourself feel worse by telling yourself that also, on top of feeling jealous, you're an awful person for feeling that way. You're not. You're human.

    I also agree that likely, your friends didn't intend to hurt your feelings by venting in the e-mails (or judging, as it sounds like it felt for you). It seems that you're doing the right thing by not particiapting in the discussion right now if you feel that you won't be able to do that effectively. Your paths are beginning to diverge, and that's ok. It stinks, it's sad, and sometimes it hurts, but it's ok. You'll either find your way back to these friends (or find a way, in a few days or weeks when you're feeling less emotional, to explain that you feel differently or you need some support from them) or you won't...but certainly, you'll be ok either way. Do you have any friends who are in similar situations (working full time?) that you can meet up with? Does your work or the hospital where you delivered offer any "new mom" programs?

    As for strategies for dealing with the situation...again, I don't have children, so these are all just hypotheses in my head...but can you figure out a way to leave early one or two days a week? Can you do things on the weekend that may seem more "fun" instead of tedious (not insinuating that you're leading a boring life!!)? I'm sure you will figure this out. A month isn't a terribly long time to have had a major life change and have gone back to work. It's no surprise that you're having some mixed emotions about it. You're normal, you're honest, you're human, and you're obviously strong and self-aware. You're going to be fine.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from ambergirl. Show ambergirl's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    What a wonderful post.  Said so beautifully...  yes, create memories is what i use to call it.  My DD has many she still talks about with her friends and ironically not the big ones like you would think, but just little things she and I use to do ; )

    In Response to Re: Working Moms (warning - long post):
    [QUOTE]Poppy, I'd just like to say that being a SAHM now - it's not all it's cracked up to be... it's actually pretty boring and exhausting and frustrating... so if you enjoy your job - definitely keep working. The things they are saying in those emails are point-blank insensitive, if they want to gush about how wonderful it is to be a SAHM, they should write a blog that no one has to read. All those baby/mommy/daddy classes that they probably go to are really not to enrich the lives of the children but an excuse for the parents to get out of the house because they're bored out of their minds! :) The most important thing is to be there for your child emotionally & support her development as she becomes an adult...and SAHMs can't do that any better than working moms can.  For now I would suggest coming up with some ideas of places you'd like to take your LO when she gets a bit older (in a mere month or two!) - a trip to the aquarium, a farm etc... places that your mother & MIL won't be taking her... those will be great memories and fun things to do until DD gets older and will make these rough months of her being an infant and you wishing you were with her, more memorable and special.
    Posted by beniceboston[/QUOTE]
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from stefani2. Show stefani2's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    ok, this sounds snarky, but: if you're posting about how clean your floors are on FB, i pity you (and you have too much time on your hands).  ;)

    poppy - it would drive me insane if my MIL spent all day with my kid(s) - so i hear you on that front.  :(  and, i think your girlfriends are being insensitive, and i bet alf's right - there's probably a lot of justification going on for staying home.  and i bet we working moms do a lot of the opposite and hurt SAHM's feelings too!
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from ms6507. Show ms6507's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    Being a working mom is tough and I think it's important to have the support of other working moms as only they can understand what you are feeling.  I found a working moms group in my area on Meetup.com when my son was 2 years old and I was feeling alone since all my friends were still single.  The organizer of the group had just started it when I did my search so I've been a member since inception and it has truly been a lifesaver for me.  We get together on the weekends with the kids.....we go to playgrounds, the beach, the zoo, or walks in the summer time and in the winter we do things like visit local children's museums or indoor play areas where the kids can burn off some energy.  We also have an occasional Mom's Night Out or Couples Night Out.  If you don't find one in your area start one...you will be amazed by how quickly people will start joining!

     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from Nonprofitess. Show Nonprofitess's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    Oh honey, I feel your pain. I really do. I have a 5 month old and I work full time, and often feel physically hungry for my baby by the end of the day. He's in a small home-based day care rather than with a family member so I can't speak to that, but my stomach knots up when my little boy lights up at the sight of his caregiver. It shouldn't, but it does.

    I too have several friends with infants who have worked out situations where they can be with their children more than I. Some have quit working outside the home and I have felt myself experiencing searing jealousy over it, but, for me anyway, even worse are the moms (and dads!) who are able to continue earning a decent living while still being with their babies. I don't have a job I can work from home at, nor can we afford to cut back hours (money not that important? See how important it becomes when you can't pay your bills!) so all those friends who wax rhapsodic, frequently and at great length, about how lucky they are just makes me want to cry. I'm happy for them, truly, but the sadness I feel at my lack of "luck" breaks me down.

    I am absolutely blessed to have a healthy, beautiful son and a wonderful, loving and stable marriage but still can't help but feel robbed sometimes ... robbed of storytime at the library, robbed of having a full-time breastfeedng relationship, robbed of missing so many hours of a time in my child's life that will be gone in the blink of an eye.

    BUT. As I sit here getting teary eyed at the beginning my daily wallow, I remind myself of two things (your mileage may vary): 1. The last few weeks of my maternity leave were rough. The constant snow didn't help, but by the time my husband got home each night I was so fed up with the constant need that I all but threw the baby at him. That would have built resentment between my son and I had it gone on any longer. When we are together I am so much more patient and engaged with him than I believe I would have been had we decided to got he SAHM route.
    And 2. This is mine and only my belief, but I think that my child growing up to see Mommy going to work will (may?) provide a good model of what women are capable of. I know any kind of mother can raise a child to understand that women and men work, both are valuable and that work inside the home is also important. But again, just for me, I want my son to know that Mommy has a role in society beyond being Mommy.

    Finally (yes, I'm nearly done :) the Someville Moms Yahoo listserve (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SomervilleMoms/) has a working parents group that meets semi-regularly. I haven't had a chance to go yet due to my husband's work schedule for the next few months, but I have every intention of joining up as soon as I can. The listserve is fantastic in general, actually.

    Good luck, and if my rambling hasn't convinced you yet, you are NOT alone! Hang in there. 

     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from smithie02. Show smithie02's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    Poppy - you are not alone.  My daughter is 6 months on Saturday and my guilt stemmed from the fact that I was happy to go back to work and happy I am here.  She is loving daycare and thriving there and I am so much happier working than being at home.  Maternity leave was great until about week 11 when I started to go insane.  (My leave was 14 weeks).  Like other posters have said previous, nothing is perfect.  It goes get easier.

    As for a working mom's group - there is a Meetup of North of Boston working moms that I belong to.  http://www.meetup.com/NoBoMA-Working-Moms/polls/ I haven't been to anything yet, but its nice to know there are others out there like us!  Also, Medford has the Medford Family Network that has activites on the weekends.  They just had a ice cream social for when the little ones are a bit older a couple of Saturdays ago.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    In Response to Re: Working Moms (warning - long post):
    [QUOTE] If you've spent the last decade or so working and being validated outside the home, it's got to be hard to make a switch and find that your "boss" is a tyrant, doesn't appreciate you, throws food at you, calls you names, expects you to work nights and weekends and is prone to emotional outbursts.  There's no HR group or union, and -- PS -- you no longer get paid. 
    Posted by GC1016[/QUOTE]

    hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    A+
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from canukgrl. Show canukgrl's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    I agree with Alf, your friends may be struggling as well, and what seems like criticism to you may be part of them trying to justify it to themselves, or adjust to their realities. 

    I never wanted to be a SAHM, and I make nearly 2x what DH makes, so we clearly never planned for that either... but there sure are days I think it would be great!  Deep down, though, I know I would not be happy at home full time. I feel everything from awkward, ashamed to empowered when talking about it, but at the end of the day keeping things balanced is a constant battle!  It does get easier as they get older, and bed time is not as early... As for coping strategies, I try (or should I say, DH Makes me try) to think of the big picture - My objective is happy well adjusted children... I think part of that is a happy well adjusted mom.  On a more tactical level, I try to really focus on them when we're together - the dishes can wait.

    It's not always easy, but you're not alone...looks like you've just created yourself a virtual support group!
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from stefani2. Show stefani2's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    also, and in defense of SAHMs: i think it's MUCH harder to be home all day than it is to be at work!!!  sure was when i was on maternity leave, at least.  :)
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from winter09wedding. Show winter09wedding's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    ditto- you are not alone.

    I have had a hard time getting back into the swing of things at work- 4months back in. I "do" the work, but don't put in the time on the weekends and such that I need to in order to do a "Great job." that is my compromise right now.

    I have put a ton of time into my education/career, and there are a lot of days that I don't care and would toss it all out the window to be at home more. My work schedule affects my kid's sleep. I hate working a second job to cover the costs of day care. I wish we didn't live in boston because maybe in a city more reasonably priced I wouldn't have to do all of this. that is my rant.

    however- we pay for daycare because it means he can be close to my work and I can visit if I really need to. and i tell myself the same things that everyone has already mentioned about having a working mother.

    re the friends. I also agree with everyone's postings. However, I am in the same boat.  DH's whole social group is all SAHMs and it kills me (there is one exception). Many of my friends are as well. I know that financially they are in different places than me and DH, and that changes what the options are. However, the things that we could do (e.g., move to another city, downsize our house, move to podunk and commute for even longer) are not things that we are ready to do as a family. I haven't gotten emails, but I get comments (I am the most educated of the group) about how I didn't want to give up my career- which ironically- is not the issue. I make more than DH and it really isn't an option for me to go part time because of benefits- but pointing that out to others (particularly DH's group) is not something that I feel comfortable with.  So I miss stuff that they do with their kids as a group, and I feel horribly guilty about the stuff I can't do with my kid right now. The fact that they can't be supportive to me makes me more reliant on others- often DH- because he 'gets it' more. However, I try to be "in the moment" while at work, and while at home as much as I can to at least be present for DS.

    so, although I want to sob in the car half the time after drop off (still), and want to run away from home with DS (and DH) to avoid responsibility, instead I sit at work, occasionally stealing glances at this list, which helps to support me. thanks for posting this.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from austengirl. Show austengirl's posts

    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    Just another in the line of posts supporting you. I agree with all that has been said but one addition: 
    One thing my MIL and a good friend told me when I was stressing is that by putting in my time now, I am building up a great career so when my kids are in Middle School and High School and need more guidance and attention you have the time in the system to create a more flexible schedule.  Instead of leaving a 13 year old at home to not do homework and potentially start mixing with the wrong crowd.  You can have more leway to be at home instead of spending all this time making up for lost years in the work force.  Studies show that kids become more productive and are less likely to get into trouble when they have a parent who can attend school events, help with homework etc.   
    Makes sense to me.
     
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    Re: Working Moms (warning - long post)

    Wow, you ladies are great.  I’m overwhelmed with not feeling alone!  Although I am sorry that many of you also feel sadness about this.

    One of the things about this that bothers me most is (and I hardly ever say this of the human race): these friends should know better.  I expect more of them, and would hope they would hold me to the same standards.  Perhaps therein lies my downfall.

    Maybe those of you who said they might be defensive of their decision are right.  I know one friend is very envious that I got my master’s degree – she feels that she somehow is less intelligent than others because she didn’t do that (which is very much untrue).  Of course, she was married with one, then two, then three children, while I was single, working 2 jobs and going to school at night.  They are/were just different life choices, but I guess we all do have our insecurities about our decisions.

    Re: my MIL, glad to know some of you share what I consider to be an undesirable feeling of jealousy. :)  I feel like ALS – I’d better get that big smile when I get home!  GC – I think you’re on to something about daycare vs. MIL.  I have actually thought of that.  I think when DD is a bit older I’ll probably look into enrolling her in daycare for some of the days, because I think it will be good for her to socialize, and I can see the merits of making daycare a business, rather than family, affair.

    So for now I’m focusing on the fact that, like many of you said, I’d probably go crazy being at home 24/7 and might even end up resentful of DH if I felt like I was shouldering the entire, or at least a very large percentage, of responsibility for all home things.  I’m trying to capitalize on the time I am home, but like someone said (I’m sorry, I can’t remember who and now can’t find it) I only get a couple of hours on weeknights and DD is often quite tired by then.  I like Benice’s suggestion about thinking of fun outings – although, once again, I admit to feeling twinges when my mom says she can’t wait to take her on the swan boats for the first time, or to the circus.  I want to growl, “no – I’M doing that with her!” Real mature, I know (and not something I want to pass on to DD).  I’m sure we’ll figure it all out so that everyone feels they have special time with her, but I’m feeling selfish at the moment.

    Also, like some of you mentioned, I am trying to focus on the fact that this is all just for now, and who knows what the future will bring.  Perhaps, like Austengirl said, I might have more flexibility during those awkward, somewhat awful teen years and be able to be home then, if not now.

    If any of you would want to start a working mom’s group and meet up on weekends (not necessarily every weekend), I would be interested.  I’m not sure where you all live, but I’m in Somerville and we’re hoping to move to the north shore (maybe Reading area…) within a year or so.  And thank you, Nonprofitess and Smithie, for the resources!!

    Thanks to you all!

    p.s. obviously Lost and Lemon are more virtuous workers than me, as I composed that entire post, and this one at work (albeit over some time…)  :)

     

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